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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 20 21

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

I think I need to cancel my wedding

516 replies

Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 11:11

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

OP posts:

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billy1966 · 07/04/2022 11:16

You poor thing.

He does not sound kind and loving.

He also sounds as if he doesn't want to marry you.

I can imagine that is very painful for you but I would not think someone who would speak of you so rudely is someone to be marrying.

Im so sorry.

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girlmom21 · 07/04/2022 11:18

Did you not take out wedding insurance?

Aside from that, he's a lazy, nasty, insensitive cock and I'd cancel the wedding and not even consider rearranging until he grows up.

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fluffyunicorn1234 · 07/04/2022 11:19

I would definitely be cancelling! And walking away from the relationship to be honest.

How can someone forget they didn't get divorced? That's not something you tend to forget.

Not only that but he has completely disregarded your thoughts and feelings as well in a number of ways.

If he filed for divorce in January and its straight forward what is the delay? Why will they not be divorced by July?

Usually is something doesn't make sense it isn't true

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Roundeartheratchriatmas · 07/04/2022 11:20

I’m sorry but I don’t think he wants to marry you.

He “forgot” that he was still married ? Rubbish.

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Orgasmagorical · 07/04/2022 11:22

He doesn't remember whether they were divorced or not? Hmm.

Are any of your feelings relevant to him at all, OP?

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HollowTalk · 07/04/2022 11:22

You've had a narrow escape, OP, and saved yourself from marrying him.

If £30K for a wedding isn't a lot to him, then he's clearly got a bit of money. Do you think his ex thought that she would inherit if he died?

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MichelleScarn · 07/04/2022 11:24

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

I’m sorry but I don’t think he wants to marry you.

He “forgot” that he was still married ? Rubbish.

Sadly agree with this! You can't 'forget' you were married or didn't divorce!
I can absolutely understand not wanting the notso-ex around just now, and the hurt re the step daughter being pregnant, but you cannot say she's not welcome in her dad's home.

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/04/2022 11:24

I don't think you're getting the full story OP and sadly I don't think he wants to marry you.

Why has he invited the ex round? If I were you I'd go downstairs and get the full picture.

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AntarcticTern · 07/04/2022 11:25

To be fair OP, however wealthy he is, I think that he's allowed to be gutted that he's going to lose £30k and for that to be what he's focusing on! The wedding can be postponed.

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Waterfordaston · 07/04/2022 11:25

How can he have forgotten he was still married???

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AlisonDonut · 07/04/2022 11:27

@girlmom21

Did you not take out wedding insurance?

Aside from that, he's a lazy, nasty, insensitive cock and I'd cancel the wedding and not even consider rearranging until he grows up.

Not sure insurance will cover already being married to someone else!

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girlmom21 · 07/04/2022 11:30

Ha yeah you're probably right @AlisonDonut 🙊

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titchy · 07/04/2022 11:32

Honestly I know you're distraught now, but I think he might have done you a favour long term. He knew he was married, and was apparently prepared to commit bigamy, leaving you in a whole heap of potential trouble.

He doesn't really care about you. If you want to marry someone, that someone should be your absolute number one top priority. You're not his I'm afraid. He doesn't even care enough about your feelings now over your baby loss.

You deserve better. Please re-evaluate this relationship.

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Phillipa34 · 07/04/2022 11:39

Oh OP.

In life, people tell and show us who they are- it’s down to us to believe it.

Honestly, this is a blessing. He doesn’t sound like a nice person, forget cancelling the wedding, CANCEL THE RELATIONSHIP!

The Universe has given you this gift (the situation) now is the time to think what do you want.
If you’re still not convinced, write a list of pros and cons about this man and pros and cons of the relationship.

You will see - what you WANT and what you HAVE here is not aligned.

I wish you all the best - there’s no shame only joy in choosing yourself

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CelebrateandDream · 07/04/2022 11:41

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IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/04/2022 11:43

Who FORGETS that they're not divorced yet....

I think the upcoming wedding is a red Herring OP... The thing you should be focusing on is HOW this man is treating you and ignoring your upset /wishes.

Also I don't beleive you'll lose 30k...if you want to still go ahead... Surely it will just be delayed... So suppliers will just push you back in their diaries... And July is a way off

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Regularsizedrudy · 07/04/2022 11:44

People don’t just “forget” they are married. It doesn’t sound like he wants to marry you.

Is he older than you by any chance?

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MrsMoastyToasty · 07/04/2022 11:49

Was he seriously going to risk a prison sentence for bigamy?

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Sunshineandflipflops · 07/04/2022 11:51

I am going through divorce currently and even with a semi-amicable divorce, it's not something you forget whether you've done or not!

I also don't understand why it couldn't be sorted in 6 months if it's completely straightforward (which it sounds like it is).

To be honest the divorce process itself has put me off marriage altogether so I can't imagine going straight from divorce to re-marriage.

I am sorry you have been put in this position.

Re: the pregnant daughter though - I can understand your feelings but her pregnancy shouldn't be clouded by your experiences and neither should yours or your dp's relationship with her.

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AthenaPopodopolous · 07/04/2022 11:53

I don’t mean to be unkind but it’s very unlikely this man will divorce and marry you. There is no incentive for him. He has everything sitting pretty. It’s like you are a concubine.
His real family are his wife and pregnant daughter. I’m sure he loves you but not enough to marry and you won’t inherit anything. It may change in future though if you have a successful pregnancy. I wish you luck OP.

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PacificState · 07/04/2022 11:53

Nobody 'forgets' they haven't got divorced. My DP took ages sorting his divorce out, and the fact he was still formally married was something that didn't really impact on him (or me) day to day, but he never for one moment got confused about whether he was or not. This man has been lying to you for years about his marital status.

On the pregnant daughter though I'm going to go against the grain - she's his daughter and she's pregnant. I'm very sorry about your loss and understand this is crappy for you, but he's more than entitled to be excited about his upcoming grandchild and want to be close to his daughter and support her in her pregnancy. Try to put that bit to one side because it's not the main issue here.

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cavalatete · 07/04/2022 11:53

@MrsMoastyToasty

Was he seriously going to risk a prison sentence for bigamy?

This.

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diddl · 07/04/2022 11:56

I hope you leave him.

What a complete arsehole.

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GregBrawlsInDogJail · 07/04/2022 12:00

Fucking hell. If this had happened to me, I think all the dogs around my way would still be howling from my screech of, "How do you FORGET you're FUCKING MARRIED?!?!"

Practicalities first - do you have any shared assets? Has he a will? Are you the named beneficiary on insurance policies, pension etc? In short, how fucked would you be if something happened to him before the divorce is final?

I would postpone all other arrangements for now until you decide whether you still want to marry him.

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titchy · 07/04/2022 12:02

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