I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

@PacificState

Nobody 'forgets' they haven't got divorced. My DP took ages sorting his divorce out, and the fact he was still formally married was something that didn't really impact on him (or me) day to day, but he never for one moment got confused about whether he was or not. This man has been lying to you for years about his marital status.

On the pregnant daughter though I'm going to go against the grain - she's his daughter and she's pregnant. I'm very sorry about your loss and understand this is crappy for you, but he's more than entitled to be excited about his upcoming grandchild and want to be close to his daughter and support her in her pregnancy. Try to put that bit to one side because it's not the main issue here.

Actually, both myself and my ExH couldn't remember whether our divorce had been completed or not. It really didn't mean much to either of us at that stage as we'd separated and moved on. We did start off the paperwork as his girlfriend wanted him to but neither of us could actually remember whether it had completed or not...we had to search high and low for the decree nisi. It just wasn't that important for us to get it done so just washed over us in the busyness of life.

It's not great but its happened what I would say is rather than waste your money why not get someone to do a mock ceremony and do your party ect like you would a real wedding then when you can get married just have a registry office job?

Nobody forgets they are married.

Please don’t marry him, he sounds awful.

Why is it taking so long

If no one is contesting and no money property issues why if started in jan won’t the divorce be sorted by hand

Does divorce really take 6mths if no issues

Divorcing is not something you forget but I can see how someone might forget that they forgot to divorce, if you know what I mean. I think he knows he messed up and his upset about the 30K is what tells you that he knows he messed up. He made a huge error and it's not causing him only distress and conflict but it cost him money. So he's reacting to that awareness that he messed himself over.

Now, since he was not actually divorced, that means if you are financially entangled then you were not at all protected because of whatever inheritance laws default to his wife.

He's a person who mentally blocks out bad stuff rather than deal with it, that's not great.

I would talk to his ex, her reaction will either comfort you or make it clearer that you shouldn't ever marry him. Why did she not push through the divorce herself? Doesn't she want the option to marry? What does his failure to follow through on his divorce mean? I'm not minimizing, even if it's just procrastination, that is some truly world class procrastination.

*by June

Not read to the end yet but the OP refers to his "ex-wife".
Nope.
She's his wife.

Practicalities- I got married immediately after lying, deceitful XH got divorced.

You need the decree absolute to give notice of the wedding.
Decree absolute comes at least six weeks after decree nisi and after the financial arrangements have gone through solicitors and been signed off. To get the absolute by mid-June, you’d need to get the nisi end of April and be well on the path to agreeing finances.

Cancel the wedding, this is not going to go smoothly!

he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

Statements like this often tend to be minimisation if you ever get any examples.

Why exactly did he and his absolutely lovely ex wife end up separated (with a family together to boot)?

He has some neck (and some irrationality) saying hes about to waste 30m, btkngvthf one who's responsible for it being wasted with his incredible level.of forgetfulness (if true) and then you were a nag for pushing him to actually do anything about ot or establish what the situations is with the wedding company!!!!!!

He causes the situation and then he wasn't even trying to sort it out.

And while unsure not speaking/on good terms due to it, he's invited his ex and dd around tk your home.

He's coming across as an irrational, unpleasant, inconsiderate, flaky, thick headed bit of a bastard.

Are you sure he hasn't dominated the relationship so you're under the thumb normally.

I wouldn't trust any man regarding any "financials" should he be so forgetful he was still married.

I think he knows he messed up and his upset about the 30K is what tells you that he knows he messed up. He made a huge error and it's not causing him only distress and conflict but it cost him money. So he's reacting to that awareness that he messed himself over.

There doesn't seem to be much sympathy, taking responsibility or kindness to op in all this!

I'm quite baffled. So when you met him, did you not have the coversation about whether he was divorced or not? And if he started proceeeding in January, why won't it be finalised until July??

This whole thing is very odd. First of all he "forgot" he was divorced. He's supposedly amicable with his ex but not ex-wife, why didn't she say at some point during the last decade, "Hey, we really need to get round to divorcing". Or at the very least when you moved in with him. Suddenly when you say you're getting married she says "Hey, remember we aren't divorced" and DP is like, "Oops I forgot"
Bizarre - one of them (or both) did not want to get divorced. Nobody forgot.

But even if the divorce really was "forgotten", his reaction since is very odd. He should have been immediately apologetic and the first thing that sprang to my mind was going through with the celebration and having some kind of ring exchanging ceremony and vows without the legal bit so that no money would have to be lost at all.
And the legal bit could have been completely at a later date as soon as the divorce came through, by simply visiting a registry office with a couple of witnesses.

But no, instead of that, he starts going on about not losing the money, no mention of being gutted about not being able to marry you and then the situation escalates to the point of him saying you should leave.

Very very weird situation indeed.

I think if it was me I couldn't marry him after this behaviour and would want to call it all off.

I’m also wondering why it’s taking so long if all the finances were sorted years ago. That’s usually the tricky bit isn’t it?

I wouldn’t trust him if I were you so wouldn’t go ahead with the celebrant idea. I would cancel/postpone and see where you are in a year or two.

It’s his reaction that says it all about the type of person he is.

@Wouldyoubabys

Divorce is none contested - his ex wife’s well taken care of, and financials etc were all split when they first separated over a decade ago.

How can you be sure though? Have you seen order? Or taking his word for it?

He sounds like a total idiot. Who starts organising a wedding without dissolving a previous marriage, or having plans to.

We normally have a very normal abs boring Life - this blow up is extreme and rare and shit.

Whenever I read these sorts of statements I always think , I bet things bumble along nicely while you do what your OH wants. The second things don't go their way is when the shit hits the fan. And this is why you should think so very carefully before marrying him. Things WILL go wrong, during the course of a lifetime, and you really want to know that your legal NOK has your back.

This man doesn't divorce his wife, doesn't tell you, doesn't sort it, moans that you're nagging him, moans to the company that he's up shit creek, poor him, and his DP is giving him shit, not taking account of your feelings AT ALL, isn't speaking to you, invites his WIFE and DD round against your wishes, and then tells you to pack a bag.

Think carefully. Don't airbrush the horrible 5% for the ok 95%, because one day, those percentages may very swap round.

You are young enough to have a baby and he is old enough to have a grown up daughter who is pregnant. Think he’s too old for you sorry.

He wasn't even taking the initiative to contact the wedding company and when op urged him to, she's a "nag", and gets flack for it.

You can't win with someone like that.

I don't know why women don't realise most separated men are separated for a reason; and it's not that their wife was a bitch or they "just couldn't get on".

Cancel it and leave him, he couldn’t have made his position clearer if he’d hired a plane with a banner to fly over your house. He’s had 10 years to get divorced & even when he had a wedding booked to you he still didn’t get his bum into gear.

Run for the hills OP £30k is cheaper than divorcing this man 5 years down the line.

Put the house on the market and forget to tell him.

If you want to be actually married legally I 100% wouldn't go down the not cancelling the wedding and having a celebrant instead.
No way would he marry you if you did that.

So sorry for your situation OP. Must have been quite the shock for you.

Yes, I would cancel the wedding, that's the first thing, anyway it cannot go ahead with any real meaning if he is still legally married.

Apologise? for what? He is the person who has messed up the wedding plans. I don't like the sound of you apologising to soothe his feelings, it's a classic in control situations, although I am making no judgments on that aspect yet.

I wouldn't call him. Just see what happens next. If he doesn't come home, or if he does and has a right go at you, well you have your answer I think.

Do NOT leave the house. But I think you have indicated you won't for now anyway.

Remember, no fault divorce is in place from today, so a quickie legal divorce is eminently doable. But I don't think I would be comfortable with him anymore, divorce or not. His attitude stinks TBH.

Wishing you well and hope you feel better later on and get the tears out of your system. You need anger then. Real anger and a fighting spirit. What is best for you and your son is the key.

Just cancel - lose the money, it's sounds like this have revealed bigger issues in your relationship than a ring on your finger

@Wouldyoubabys

how long are you two together?