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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to cancel my wedding

516 replies

Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 11:11

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 13:08

Divorce is none contested - his ex wife’s well taken care of, and financials etc were all split when they first separated over a decade ago.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 07/04/2022 13:08

He is a fuckwit.

Nobody forgets that they are still married. That is simply bollocks.

I know things are hard, but I think you need to take him at his word now, pack a bag and be gone by the time he gets back.

I don't think I could forgive this fuckwittery.

Octomore · 07/04/2022 13:08

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

I’m sorry but I don’t think he wants to marry you.

He “forgot” that he was still married ? Rubbish.

I agree - you don't just 'forget' that you're married!
tara66 · 07/04/2022 13:08

I think having a sham wedding is very silly and people will find out. Just have a special party if you go ahead with this relationship and cannot get a refund re. GBP30,000.

beastlyslumber · 07/04/2022 13:09

@girlmom21

I texted him to say I hate him right now. He’s texted back to say I should pack a bag and leave. I don’t actually know if he means this

I'd tell you to pack a bag and leave if you told me you hated me too.

Yes, I think that's a fair enough response.

I know you're hurt, OP, but it sounds like this relationship isn't good. Of course it's upsetting - and I don't know how rich you have to be to not be upset about losing 30k but I'm pretty sure that even Elon Musk would be a trifle miffed - but even so, it all just sounds a terrible mess. He forgot he was already married, you threw a shit fit, no one's speaking to anyone else... it's all too much.

MrsMiddleMother · 07/04/2022 13:11

Cancel the wedding then cancel the wedding. The whole thing is so toxic, why would you want to be with someone who has lied to you all these years about being divorced? And who clearly doesn't want to marry you and is more bothered about 30k? Your son would be better with 2 happy separated parents than this shit show.

mummabubs · 07/04/2022 13:11

I'm so sorry OP. In your shoes I would be thinking twice about whether to eventually marry him at all and 100% put trying to conceive with him to one side. Can I ask how long have you been together?

At the moment he's definitely choosing to not consider your feelings or put you first. This would be a big old red flag to me of what married life and parenting would look like long term. His immediate instinct being to invite his 'ex' wife and daughter around when you've asked him not to also feels selfish and cold. It's really not fair on you x

Original poster
Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 13:11

Just to clarify again, I didn’t forbid his daughter from coming here. We were literally on the phone to the venue to talk about postponing / cancelling / celebrants and I’m gutted and upset and I didn’t want any one here.

I am finding it hard at the moment because she’s pregnant, but that’s an added layer to the situation and not why I didn’t want her / his ex wife here this morning. I didn’t want anyone here.

We normally have a very normal abs boring Life - this blow up is extreme and rare and shit.

OP posts:
movingsoon13 · 07/04/2022 13:12

@Wouldyoubabys

I don’t know what to do.

In the short term so I call him and get him to come home? Do I apologise? My
Son is here and I need to keep things normal for him so I won’t leave (house joint names).

Longer term do I call off the wedding now? Do I proceed but change it to a celebrant? Do I postpone?

I hate this situation. I don’t know what to do for the best.

I don't know why on earth you would still marry him at all after everything. I would be ensuring you got your fair share out of the house and it isn't impacted by his divorce proceedings and moving on with my life.
Fifthtimelucky · 07/04/2022 13:12

Leaving aside the question of whether or not the OP and her partner should get married (not, in my view), I find it extraordinary that a celebrant, the venue and various posters are suggesting that the 'wedding' should still go ahead.

I have no problem separating out the legal wedding from the celebration (I did it myself 30 years ago) but to be celebrating a wedding that hasn't taken place, cannot at that time legally take place and may never take place seems to me the height of madness.

Turn it into a a big engagement party if you must and then have a small wedding later.

Eddielizzard · 07/04/2022 13:12

I also think it's total nonsense. Come on. Forgot he wasn't divorced? No way. I think there's a bigger problem here. If you're living together, and the DC living with you are yours, he should pack a bag. I would think very seriously about the future of this relationship.

starfishmummy · 07/04/2022 13:12

Easy for us to say, but I'd be considering whether I wanted to go ahead and marry him at all.

If he's not divorced now then there's no guarantee that he will be by the time your wedding day arrives. I'd be
cancelling things and seeing what money can be salvaged. Rope in some trusted friends or family to help - maybe by contacting the people you have invited.

oakleaffy · 07/04/2022 13:13

@Wouldyoubabys

I don’t know what to do.

In the short term so I call him and get him to come home? Do I apologise? My
Son is here and I need to keep things normal for him so I won’t leave (house joint names).

Longer term do I call off the wedding now? Do I proceed but change it to a celebrant? Do I postpone?

I hate this situation. I don’t know what to do for the best.

@Wouldyoubabys I'm not a Lawyer, but what would deeply concern me is that if your partner should die before you, his wife could have a potential claim on his half of the home as his next of kin.

Any Lawyers here?

I'd want to break off the relationship at once, but that's me.

Men do lie and say they are ''Divorced'' while still married, but usually they don't go as far as arranging another Marriage.

I'm really sorry, OP.

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/04/2022 13:13

Wow, I think I’d be postponing and thinking about how he has behaved personally.
You need to take a long, hard look before you commit.

Hugasauras · 07/04/2022 13:13

Tbh I'd be more upset about losing £30k than rearranging a wedding! But it seems v unlikely he 'forgot' he was married. Had they got a certain way through process and then never finalised the last bit, and in his head it had been completed? I can kind of see how that would happen if it was something there wasn't urgency about and he lost track of the 'stages' and then over the years just assumed it was done. I imagine this isn't uncommon when men see it as 'wife work' and leave paperwork to their ex-wife to sort out without taking ownership for themselves.

I do think if you're texting him that you hate him and he's behaving so poorly, you should be reevaluating the wedding anyway, regardless of the 'lost' £30k. I'd be devastated if my DH said he hated me and find that hard to forgive, but you are entitled to be angry at him of course.

oakleaffy · 07/04/2022 13:13

@Eddielizzard

I also think it's total nonsense. Come on. Forgot he wasn't divorced? No way. I think there's a bigger problem here. If you're living together, and the DC living with you are yours, he should pack a bag. I would think very seriously about the future of this relationship.
The house is half OP's.

If anyone goes, it should be him!

oakleaffy · 07/04/2022 13:15

@Eddielizzard
My bad, I misread...I thought you'd suggested OP pack a bag.

Sorry!

housemaus · 07/04/2022 13:16

My DH is the most forgetful man in the world - I could actually see him forgetting a divorce never got sorted because in his head he'd just go 'oh, we're not together any more' and that would be that.

BUT his response is pretty horrible. It seems like he's on the defensive and probably feels bad about it (as he should!) and is reacting badly, but he could do with thinking about your feelings a bit more.

gogohm · 07/04/2022 13:16

If he filed months ago it should have been processed before the law change, there was no minimum wait then. You don't need a company, all online

PlntLady · 07/04/2022 13:16

Cant you have a non-legal ceremony and pop to the registry office when the divorce if final? I think your guests would understand. 🙂

Hugasauras · 07/04/2022 13:17

Personally, if it were me and my DP hadn't been an arse about it and was genuinely mortified and apologetic and horrified about what he had done, I might suggest we rebrand it as a 'Not-wedding' and try to make light of the situation with friends and family and enjoy a celebration regardless rather than waste all that money. But if DP was unrepentant then that would totally change my answer!

Manonymous · 07/04/2022 13:18

OP, when you say "ex-wife" are you referring to his wife? Or is there both a wife and ex-wife on the scene?

DrSbaitso · 07/04/2022 13:18

@Wouldyoubabys

Divorce is none contested - his ex wife’s well taken care of, and financials etc were all split when they first separated over a decade ago.
Then what's the hold up?
Herejustforthisone · 07/04/2022 13:18

OP, what is the situation with your house? Is it yours? Shared? Please tell me you’ve protected yourself.

Eddielizzard · 07/04/2022 13:19

oakleaffy no worries, I did word it badly.

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