I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

@Grenlei

But any divorce settlement now will surely need to take into account this newly acquired wealth (happened in the last 3 years) despite his being separated for 10 years or so

Excellent point.

He may have said that everything was settled financially with the Ex (like how he said he was divorced), but even if there is an agreement how binding is any of that legally? Does the Ex know the extent of his recently gained wealth? If not she may become less friendly once she does, and want a (half) share of it.

Maybe she was playing the long game and hanging on for that all along hence why she'd never bothered getting divorced....who knows?

That thought crossed my mind, too.

It's odd that when one spouse had moved on, has a new relationship which includes buying a property etc, and is actively trying to have more children, the other spouse doesn't move the divorce along.

The OP gives the impression that her P was dragging his heels, but what does his wife have to gain by waiting?

I know of couples where one party didn't want a divorce, so made their 'ex' wait 5 years, until they could press on with the proceedings.

But this man and his wife - yes she's his wife not ex-wife, as the Op calls her- have each allowed it to drift for 12 years.

Even though she is 'lovely' and the kids bounce from the mum's house to their dad's without a care in the world it seems, I still smell a rat.

There are some slight inconsistencies. The OP mentions elsewhere that 'the' children are 10 and 15. I think she means his children. And hers is younger. But then she says he's bought all his children their own houses. At 10 and 15 or does he have loads of kids?

@Wouldyoubabys

To be fair, there probably was a point today we were all considering his death….. but I’ve tried to become a bit calmer since then and doing jail time for him is definitely excessive!

Financially / house / wills etc we are all fine I promise. I’m trying to be vague but we have a good team around us and that side of things is fair and legally sorted whether we are married or not.

I’ve calmed down a lot since the shock of this morning. We have apologised, and whilst we are still not back to normal, we are on better footing and talking as a team again rather than pitting against each other.

I don’t know what to do moving forward regarding the wedding. I don’t know whether to postpone or go ahead in hopes it happens then at last minute have a celebrant / party as back up. I want to have the wedding go ahead if possible (obviously?!) but this has totally marred the run up and I don’t know if I can deal with another 2 months of uncertainty before possibly having to rearrange anyway.

I’m gutted to be honest, but I need to have a plan and then put this aside. Dp hasn’t acted in malice. He’s been a knob today, but that reaction was rare and out of frustration with himself. He’s not off the hook - but I am trying to have perspective for this. My time to be upset about him still being married was back in Jan, this is an admin hold up that’s brought it back to the forefront but not an intentional act to hurt me.

I dunno. I am going to get some wine and a fuck tonne of chocolate and sit under a blanket….. thank you all for being there today

It sounds like everything just exploded in spectacular fashion but now things have calmed a bit, you can see it more clearly. If you really love this man and want to stay together (and you know he's committed to that too), going ahead with the wedding sounds ok to me, but as you say, if the divorce doesn't come through in time you can switch out for a celebrant instead.

For me, a wedding isn't about a legal commitment but about the promises you make to each other. You can make promises to each other in front of your friends and witnesses and do the legal bits as soon as the paperwork comes through. I hope this works out for you! ❤️

How valid is his will if he is still married to someone else? If you died first before he divorced does his wife stand to inherit your money?

@Hathertonhariden

How valid is his will if he is still married to someone else? If you died first before he divorced does his wife stand to inherit your money?

This is what would bother me.

Op left everything to her dp. If she had died, then the dp and he hadn't divorced, pp would have (essentially) disinherited her own children.

They would be relying on their steps dad's ex wife to ensure they got anything.

Or do I have that wrong? I really really couldn't get past that if it was my dp.

@Hathertonhariden

How valid is his will if he is still married to someone else? If you died first before he divorced does his wife stand to inherit your money?

His Will is totally valid. Honestly this is not an issue

@Dindundundundeeer His Will is totally valid. Honestly this is not an issue

His will is not valid at all! Marriage overrides everything. In the laws eyes, the OP is simply a mistress. The will is not valid if it doesn't give assets and authority to his wife. The wife can easily overturn it as she is the legal spouse and in a legal marriage to him, and OP is nothing to him in law except a mistress. This is basic Probate.

I wonder if this man was dishonest when he made his Will? Was he asked if anyone else could claim on his estate? Did his solicitor know he was still married?
And does his wife know he's left everything to someone else? Even when the divorce is finalised I'd have thought it needed reviewing.

[quote HangingRock25]**@Dindundundundeeer* His Will is totally valid. Honestly this is not an issue*

His will is not valid at all! Marriage overrides everything. In the laws eyes, the OP is simply a mistress. The will is not valid if it doesn't give assets and authority to his wife. The wife can easily overturn it as she is the legal spouse and in a legal marriage to him, and OP is nothing to him in law except a mistress. This is basic Probate.[/quote]
This is rubbish - citation required.

@VanGoghsDog Google marriage and Probate. What do you even suppose MARRIAGE is??

If him and tbe ex are amicable and can see then not divorcing for inheritence purposes. If he died she got everything and would surly look after her own kids.

That only works, if one of them doesn't want to remarry. If that was the reason they didn't divorce, surely the exwife would now be wanting something concrete in place to ensure her kids are taken care of in the event of his death. He should be doing that aswell.

I can not believe a multi millionaire did not know (or seek professional advice) the risks of a second marriage and 'leaving everything' to the 2nd wife and the potential impacts on him and his own children.

This story is full of holes. Especially given he made a will with op. I suspect either he is lying his arse off, or op has been less than honest due to embarrassment at getting herself in this situation.

Its odd to me more upset that you may have to postpone your wedding, rather than over he lied and left her vulnerable in the event of his death whilst pretending he was securing everything for her.

@Butfirstcoffees The OP said in other posts that he had bought his children houses. It's not clear how many children he has but one is pregnant and one is 15 ( presume that's not the same child.) And he appears to have other children. What is not clear is if his wife is aware of his wealth. the OP said they told everyone he had taken early retirement, when in fact he sold 3 businesses and made his money that way.

I'm only saying this by the way to try to encourage her to look into it all a bit more and work out where she stands, so that she isn't left high and dry- trying to be supportive of her, not critical.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Butfirstcoffees The OP said in other posts that he had bought his children houses. It's not clear how many children he has but one is pregnant and one is 15 ( presume that's not the same child.) And he appears to have other children. What is not clear is if his wife is aware of his wealth. the OP said they told everyone he had taken early retirement, when in fact he sold 3 businesses and made his money that way.[/quote]
Not sure I explained well.

I was more thinking that as one/some of the Dps kids are minors, if I was the ex wife I would push to ensure, should he die while they are minors they would get support. Uni fees, livings costs etc. Whatever he would have provided if he were alive.

It can not have escaped the exwife that he is loaded. I wouldn't want to rely on my ex husbands new wife to ensure my kids are taken care of.

But I was basing all that on, wondering if they didn't divorce incase of inheritence. She could inherit it all and make sure their joint kids were provided for as well as having the money to raise then.

The exwife may not know how much exactly he has, but she can find out how much the businesses sold for and go from there

With the divorce the exwife goes from her and her kids being fully provided for, in the event of his death. To everything going to the op and her child. Then her own kids, with him, getting a house each, which is neither use nor ornament while they are still dependents. Would the kids be expected to sell their houses for uni fees? While their dads step child has it paid for? And then inherits the bulk?

I really can't see this going very smoothly.

I don't know how it works if you die while married to someone, but living with someone else. But I would imagine, that being married to him and having dependent kids, would give her a good challenge against the estate. I don't believe for a second, he hasn't thought all this sort of stuff through.

[quote HangingRock25]@VanGoghsDog Google marriage and Probate. What do you even suppose MARRIAGE is??[/quote]
@HangingRock25
Marriage overrides an EXISTING Will - unless written in anticipation of marriage.
To write a Will directing assets outside a marriage, written after a marriage is perfectly valid.

A reason to challenge a Will could be dependency. Not valid in this case.

I’m afraid you’ve got mixed up by reading Google.

@Dindundundundeeer Are you missing the point?

The man is still married.
He's not yet divorced.

So if he wrote his will while married, leaving everything to the OP, and he falls under a bus next week, his wife would have a justified reason to contest the will (I assume?)

I don't understand your post as you seem to be saying two contradictory things-

To write a Will directing assets outside a marriage, written after a marriage is perfectly valid.

He's not outside a marriage. He's very much still IN his marriage.

Sorry to hear this,
In an uncontested divorce such as this it only takes approx 6-8 weeks to complete.
So something isnt right here.

@JinglingHellsBells

He's not outside a marriage. He's very much still IN his marriage

I know but a Will can leave assets to whomever or whatever you wish. You can be married and leave the lot to the cats home. There is entitlement due to dependency, but not marriage.

There are very few ways to contest a legally written Will - despite what the movies tell us.

MORE concerning is whether the financial settlement was made legally or not. Coming back for a second bite of assets is perfectly possible.

I think dependency can be claimed here. The wife has dependent children. Op says he pays alot to the exwife. She will be dependent on that money. As I said, they may have remained married so she could inherit. So she may have that expectation.

The kids having been bought a house each to cover their inhertience, doesn't help the person left raising the children. There's also the possibility of adult children being able to make a claim, if he regularly gives them money.

And let be honest, if you can forget you are divorced, you can forget wether the financials were legally complete or not. Or wether it was an interim order or not.

I think the point is the op assuming she was looked after because she 'got everything' in the event of his death and his kids got a house each, is another situation where she doesn't fully understand what's could happen and hasn't been made fully aware of the facts.

And what happens to her son, if everything of hers goes to her dp?

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Dindundundundeeer Are you missing the point?

The man is still married.
He's not yet divorced.

So if he wrote his will while married, leaving everything to the OP, and he falls under a bus next week, his wife would have a justified reason to contest the will (I assume?)

I don't understand your post as you seem to be saying two contradictory things-

To write a Will directing assets outside a marriage, written after a marriage is perfectly valid.

He's not outside a marriage. He's very much still IN his marriage.[/quote]
The will, assuming the man had mental capacity, is valid. His marital situation does not affect this under English law. He is not obliged to leave anything to his wife or children.

The wife is entitled to reasonable financial provision and can make a claim on the estate under the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependents) Act. The court would generally award a similar amount to what she would have got on divorce, taking into account anything she has already had. A child or third party would need to show dependence and can expect to get what is necessary to maintain them at a reasonable standard of living (which may not be as luxurious as anything they became used to while the deceased was alive).

If the OP marries then any will of hers and of the man will immediately become invalid unless those wills were specifically made in anticipation of the marriage.

That's what I said all along- the wife could contest it. I appreciate (and knew) that anyone can leave their assets to anything/ anyone.

That wasn't the issue. It's more about if whoever drew up the Will (assuming it wasn't a DIY job, which is also valid) that as a married man he might have been advised about a possible claim on his assets. Maybe he feels the provision made already for his children and wife is fine and everyone is happy.

[quote HangingRock25]@VanGoghsDog Google marriage and Probate. What do you even suppose MARRIAGE is??[/quote]
I don't need to Google it, I know - it was you who made the claim, you are wrong, and you clearly can't back up what you said. Also there's no need to put things in capitals, I am very short sighted but I have glasses and I can increase the font size on the webpage as required.

But, as a starter for ten, I'll add - a will is invalidated by a subsequent marriage, but a will made after a marriage is valid whether it leaves anything to the spouse or not. A spouse not provided for who had a reasonable expectation of being supported could, potentially successfully, contest the will. Contesting wills in England is pretty rare, especially successfully. And in this case it's unlikely it would be successful as they had been split for 12 years so unless he is still supporting her (he might be) then there can be no expectation of support. Also, he may have bought insurance to cover maintenance in case of his death to prevent the will being contested as I made my ex do.

People often confuse the rights on divorce with the rights on death. I'm not sure what probate has to do with it though.

Please feel free to post your evidence of your assertions.

I wrote my life minus the cost. I was engaged to a man that thought he was divorced. It did get done and we eventually married. Don't allow anyone to put others, including his blood before you. There are good men out there that would love to find someone to love unconditionally through sickness and health.

Meant "you" wrote my story.... I tired of being treated as if I don't exist. My wishes and opinions have never counted. I'm still married but marriage died over a decade ago and I regret not leaving!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but surely the assets of a marriage (properties/profits from sale of businesses etc) will mostly be jointly owned and will therefore automatically become the wife's if the husband dies. The rest would be distributed as per the H's will, with the proviso that if the wife and DC aren't adequately provided for, that has to happen before any of the bequests are made.
Is there some mechanism by which x years of separation reduce some of the intertwining of marital assets?