I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

[Rememberitwell]

What would he have done if his ex-wife hadn’t reminded him he was still married to her? Did he think it was all going to go away?

[Turningpurple]

Op no one forgets wether they are divorced or not.

He doesn't remember wethee the finances were sorted or not?

I think he was quite japoy to go along with this waste his money, knowing it couldn't really go ahead.

I don't believe for a minute he didn't know if he was divorced or not.

[Turningpurple]

Japoy? Happy!! That should say Happy!

[jytdtysrht]

He forgot. Ok. What do you see in this fuckwit?

[IncompleteSenten]

Yeah, he doesn't want to marry you

[MagneticRubberDucks]

30k sounds like a small price to pay not to be tied to this man.
He is showing you his true colours.
Take it as a sign from the universe and don’t marry him.

[berksandbeyond]

Beyond weird to spend 30k on a wedding without realising he’s already married. I’d leave him

[Neverreturntoathread]

I’m so sorry OP!

It’s bizarre thar he dated you, and then proposed to you, while still married, without ever mentioning that fact. The biggest red flag for me though is actually that you are in tears and said you didn’t want any guests today and he invited people round to your home anyway. That’s incredibly cold and mean and disrespectful. He could have met them elsewhere, gone for a meal or whatever. He’s told you very clearly that in the home it is his wishes that matter, not yours. That is very worrying.

Whatever happens with his divorce, I would think very carefully about tying yourself to him for life. You are choosing now the man who will care for you and may need to make serious medical decisions for you when you are old. Please choose someone kind. This man does not sound kind. And in a spouse it really is the most important thing there is.

[Wouldyoubabys]

I’m still here, I just don’t know how to respond and I keep crying!

Honestly, I love his daughter - she’s always welcome here, it was just today, seeing anyone - or having anyone here felt too much. The pregnancy reminder is another added layer of crappiness I could have done without, but she’s lovely and I love her very much (and she’s totally unaware of how I’m feeling, but my dp knows)

I don’t think he would have committed bigomy, I don’t even know what he was thinking. They have been separated over a decade and co-parent most of the time really amicably. I like her. I consider her family because she’s the kids mum.

Things have really degenerated with me and dp and he’s gone out (I think to take kids McDonald’s) I texted him to say I hate him right now. He’s texted back to say I should pack a bag and leave. I don’t actually know if he means this - we had fights like this when we first moved in together but not for ages and ages.

The wedding venue said this morning we could have a celebrant instead and no one would know, but I feel embarrassed and deceitful.

I’m so angry and hurt - not by the being married thing as I can weirdly see how that’s fallen by the way side - but by how he’s dealt with my feelings over this. He’s not reached out to me, he’s angry, he’s not upset by idea of not getting married - he’s mentioned the money and me being on his case. He says that’s just what he was saying to get them to realise how serious it was on the phone, but it hurts. Him inviting them here when I asked him not too feels like a huge kick in the teeth. My feelings mean that little to him.

I don’t know where we go from here. We usually have this amazing life - I said the other day I was so content that I was worried something was going to happen to blow it up.

I know my messages to him were harsh and I’ve lashed out, but his replies upped the ante.

I just can’t stop bloody crying which isn’t helping, I can’t think straight. I don’t want to tell anyone in real life because I’m bloody embarrassed.

[Babyroobs]

Honestly - how could he not know he was not divorced? Unbelievable.

[Riverlee]

Can you still have the wedding, without the legal part of it? Ie. Still have your special day, but then do the legal part once the divorce is through? Sort of a giant hen/stag party.

[Allthecheeseplease]

As someon who is divorced, and it was an amicable, non contested divorce, I don't know HOW anyone can FORGET they are not divorced. I mean they are so many legal problems to that. How long are you together OP?

You poor thing, it sounds like a nightmare and he is blaming you for something that is totally not your fault. I'm sure he feels under tremedous pressure now but it's 100% on him.

[oatlattetogo]

@AthenaPopodopolous

I don’t mean to be unkind but it’s very unlikely this man will divorce and marry you. There is no incentive for him. He has everything sitting pretty. It’s like you are a concubine.
His real family are his wife and pregnant daughter. I’m sure he loves you but not enough to marry and you won’t inherit anything. It may change in future though if you have a successful pregnancy. I wish you luck OP.

His wife isn’t his ‘real’ family compared to the OP. What a ridiculous thing to say. They’ve not been together for 12 years!

He’s being incredibly insensitive about the wedding, and I would be very surprised if he had genuinely forgotten that he wasn’t divorced. It’s all very odd. Is there any way you can speak to his children’s mum about it?
It was wrong of him (in my opinion) to invite his wife over given the recent bombshell, but I don’t think you can blame him for wanting to have his daughter over. She can’t not come to the house forever?
I am very sorry for your loss though, and for all of the stress that you’re going through.

[Turningpurple]

I don’t think he would have committed bigomy, I don’t even know what he was thinking

But he would have done. Had the exwife just 'forgot' as well.

Or he booked this knowing it wasn't going to happen. He knew he would lose money, he knew it wasn't a huge deal to him. But making a fuss now. So it looks like he is bothered.

[LillyDeValley]

If he wasn't being so unpleasant I would be saying have the wedding. Get a celebrant to do a blessing (or if you are religious the same). You can then head off to the registry office once the divorce comes in and do the legal part.

I can in part believe he didn't realise he was not divorced. People often get the decree nisi and then don't do the absolute bit (or think the other person has).

[MaChienEstUnDick]

I had a celebrant wedding myself, after a private registry office ceremony the day before. I've been to hand fastings up hills, gay weddings in castles and on beaches, and one were it was just the happy couple and two witnesses. I am as far from a wedding purist as it is possible to be, but you cannot possibly contemplate a celebrant wedding where one of the couple is still married. I know it's technically not bigamy, but it would feel very much like bigamy to me.

I'm sorry OP, he's really fucked this up.

[HellToTheNope]

His true colours are really showing, aren't they?

[Phobiaphobic]

I can't get past wasting £30k on one day of your life, even if the wedding went ahead.

[LillyDeValley]

On the deceiving part, unless you have a lawyer in the congregation/room most people can't tell the difference to a normal ceremony.

I've had a couple of friends who have married before, because of legal reasons, and /or after and they've done this. Still a wonderful day.

[Ohsugarhoneyicetea]

" He’s texted back to say I should pack a bag and leave"
The only way you are going to find out is if you do it. Im afraid his actions up till now have indicated this is what he wants. This is akin to leaving someone at the alter. He has gone along with this whole charade knowing it is a farce. And one uncovered, his first action is to invite his actual wife over. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The only way to regain your self respect here, is to pack your bags and leave.

[DrSbaitso]

What's the legal status with the house? He's telling you to pack and leave?

[Wiredforsound]

In your shoes I would take him at his word. Pack a back and leave. He isn’t interested in getting divorced and he doesn’t want to marry you.

[MiddleParking]

I don’t think anyone can forget they’re married, but I think people can bury their head in the sand to an unbelievable extent where finances, paperwork and difficult conversations are involved.

[Allthecheeseplease]

@Riverlee

Can you still have the wedding, without the legal part of it? Ie. Still have your special day, but then do the legal part once the divorce is through? Sort of a giant hen/stag party.

This

Also....you test him and told him you hate him. How did you expect him to respond? I wouldn't take kindly to being told "I hate you" by someone I was upposed to marry, even if I had f88ked up. Hate is a very strong word.

[DrSbaitso]

@Phobiaphobic

I can't get past wasting £30k on one day of your life, even if the wedding went ahead.

Try to. The issue isn't the cost of the wedding OP had wanted to have and can easily afford.