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Original poster

I think I need to cancel my wedding

516 replies

Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 11:11

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

OP posts:
Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 12:56

I’m so angry and hurt - not by the being married thing as I can weirdly see how that’s fallen by the way side - but by how he’s dealt with my feelings over this

Really? You understand how someone is still financially tied to his ex. The financial order, could be interesting.

AprilMae · 07/04/2022 12:57

Can’t you have a ceremony on the planned date but not a the legal wedding? Go the registry office later?

Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 12:57

Op please tell me the property is in your name or assets are in your name or you have a job or are independently wealthy?

girlmom21 · 07/04/2022 12:58

I texted him to say I hate him right now. He’s texted back to say I should pack a bag and leave. I don’t actually know if he means this

I'd tell you to pack a bag and leave if you told me you hated me too.

SantaHat · 07/04/2022 12:58

Things have really degenerated with me and dp and he’s gone out (I think to take kids McDonald’s) I texted him to say I hate him right now. He’s texted back to say I should pack a bag and leave. I don’t actually know if he means this - we had fights like this when we first moved in together but not for ages and ages.

OP
Everything you’ve posted speaks to this being a very toxic relationship. Please see him for what he is and take this as a sign to get out and not shackle yourself to this man.

FalafelAddict · 07/04/2022 12:59

I would pack your bags and leave

on the 'forgetting' he was married - I don't think it's as uncommon as people think. And I don't think it's forgetting - I think they just put it to one side and don't think about it. But I suspect he knew full well when you were planning the wedding that it wouldn't be possible. What on earth was he thinking unless he never had any intention of going ahead with it.

if you don't have any other dc with him, I think this is the perfect opportunity to go. If he's hidden this from you, what else has he hidden.

Nillynally · 07/04/2022 12:59

Who doesn't know they're still married, fucking come on!

Viviennemary · 07/04/2022 13:00

I don't think he wants to marry you either. And bringing round his wife. That seems a deliberate ploy to aggravate the situation. Especially when you asked him not to. I don't think I would want to marry somebody who couldn't remember if they were married or not. What a chancer.

layladomino · 07/04/2022 13:00

I struggle to believe he didn't know he was married.
That makes his wife his next of kin, and his inheritor if he died. How much longer would that have gone on with you blissfully unaware?
His lack of care for your feelings is most concerning. Just when you're upset at this situation he decides that's the right time to invite his wife around? That seems deliberately cruel.

He's certainly managed to take all the shine off the wedding hasn't he. I wouldn't be in any rush to marry him, and would want to take a breath to decide if I wanted to be with someone like that at all.

rurallibralady87 · 07/04/2022 13:01

Who forgets they're still married? Sorry, I wouldn't believe that.

EatTheToast · 07/04/2022 13:01

He sounds absolutely awful! It's not your fault he allowed you to book a wedding when he's already married. What's your living situation?

HellToTheNope · 07/04/2022 13:01

@Nillynally

Who doesn't know they're still married, fucking come on!
Exactly. He's a fucking liar.
Sushi7 · 07/04/2022 13:02

He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

YABU to forbid your OH from inviting his Dd to his house. How old are you, OH and dsd? Is he a lot older than you? How long have you been together? Very strange that he “forgot” he was still married!

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/04/2022 13:02

It’s bollocks he forgot he doesn’t want to marry you and you had a lucky escape here.

Bellex · 07/04/2022 13:02

Why don’t you get ‘married’ just not officially when the divorce comes though then officially get married in a register office.

I know someone who forgot they were divorced as it was amicable split and they never got round on going it.

30k is a lot of money and he’s probably kicking himself that it’s his fault

Doodar · 07/04/2022 13:04

I think he’s trying to get out of marrying you. Are you much younger than him? If he’s got a Daughter in her 20’s he must be pushing 50, maybe not keen on being a Dad again.

oakleaffy · 07/04/2022 13:04

Bloody Hell,
Even the most ''Amicable'' Divorce is 'Adversarial' and stressful, and no way would he could have forgotten that he was still married.

It's a shock when things like this come to light, but his attitude is dreadful.

As others have said, it sounds a deeply unhealthy relationship.
He clearly cares for his 'ex' wife...as she is still his WIFE!
His next of kin!

HellToTheNope · 07/04/2022 13:05

Why don’t you get ‘married’ just not officially when the divorce comes though then officially get married in a register office.

She shouldn't be marrying this fuckwit at all.

Ilostit · 07/04/2022 13:05

What an abusive and manipulative prick. Fuck him!! Get out of there

Grimupnoorth · 07/04/2022 13:05

@CelebrateandDream

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
This. And what an incredibly kind offer.

But also tell him hes in the doghouse and he needs to give himself a kick up the bum. Its not all about him.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 07/04/2022 13:06

He forgot? If you believe this you are thoroughly blinded by rose tinted glasses.

How long ago did you meet him? You never asked about his relationship with the ex? Something that might have prompted him to mention the fact he was still married?

Original poster
Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 13:06

I don’t know what to do.

In the short term so I call him and get him to come home? Do I apologise? My
Son is here and I need to keep things normal for him so I won’t leave (house joint names).

Longer term do I call off the wedding now? Do I proceed but change it to a celebrant? Do I postpone?

I hate this situation. I don’t know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 13:06

I don't think I could have an unofficial wedding to dp while he was still legally married to someone else. Other people might. But I just couldn't.

Then he can drag out the legal bits which, I assume, will leave the op fairly financially vulnerable.

BobLemon · 07/04/2022 13:08

My OH might just stretch to doing something as dense as forgetting his divorce isn’t finalised. He actually is divorced, but with spousal maintenance and a child access order and I’m always shocked how he knows so few details about his legal arrangement. I’d be forgiving enough to do just go though with a nice party and fro the legal bit later. But I’m not sure if your DP sounds remorseful enough to be making me feel forgiving!

beenaroundtheblox · 07/04/2022 13:08

@ABitBesottedWithMyDog

Inviting a pregnant woman to your home when you have just lost a baby... no words.
It is his daughter. I don't think I could stop inviting my daughter to my house even if my partner had miscarried.
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