I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

Christ that took my breath away, you poor thing.

You are not being unreasonable at all. What your partner has done is very cruel and really quite vindictive.

You don't forget divorce, it's really quite an event. He knew the entire time. I don't say this often on here, but things sometimes happen for a reason. The signs are here SCREAMING do not follow through with this wedding. Do not marry this man. No partner who loves and respects you would treat you with such disregard.

Dump him, consider £30k quite the bargain for seeing him in his true colours and begin to rebuild. You deserve better - infinitely.

He’d have needed his divorce papers to marry again. He doesn’t have them, therefore, he’s still married. He never actually got anywhere with it.

Flogging a dead horse, springs to mind.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Very concerning that his response to you being (rightfully) upset is one of anger. Do take note of that.

I'm confused how you/he could book any formalities, like the registrar without having to show/prove that his last marriage had been dissolved?

Sorry - confused. Why is he losing GBP30,000? Is this the cost of wedding which he has already paid; has to pay but now will not take place or is it the cost of divorce? His wife is visiting to discuss divorce?

Why in January did you not postpone the wedding then? It was madness to continue with a wedding for this year and in summer when he not divorced yet.

What in the Sweet Home Alabama.

Ditch him.

Good lord.

Yes I'm afraid you'll need to cancel. Very strange behaviour from him - forgetting he's still married, complaining you're 'on his case' to get divorced when you have a wedding booked...what planet is this man on?!!

Did they split finances when they separated? Is the divorce just paperwork or is she going to take assets?

Inviting a pregnant woman to your home when you have just lost a baby... no words.

Understandable that you are upset. I think I'd just let him progress the divorce and if things are normally okay think I'd be tempted to go ahead with the 'wedding; and rebrand it as a a pre divorce party or a 'my dp is a twat and forgot he wasn't divorced' party, making sure everyone knows it's not a wedding so they don't feel scammed, and then just have a small, couple of witness legal thing when he's divorced.

In the meantime if he's not divorced then he needs to sort his will out sharpish.

I don't understand why he is giving you a hard time over the 30K lost because the wedding can't go ahead - That's HIS FAULT - yes? He never got divorced!
He doesn't want to marry you. He is about to become a Grandad and doesn't really want to be married and have babies all over again - that's my feeling going from your post. Also, I think he would be hands-off if you had babies - he's obviously not young and already has grown up kids - everything would be dumped on you!

Can you break away and make a new life?

I can’t believe neither him or his ex didn’t think to tell you they weren’t divorced yet! I know it isn’t his exes responsibility but it sounds like you have a good relationship with her so I find that odd. I’m going to go against the grain here, but I don’t think it is completely unreasonable for him to see if he could’ve caught up with his daughter and ex somewhere else given you’re very upset right now (because of him!).

What sort of a half-wit forgets they haven’t divorced someone??? He’s either admitting he’s that stupid or he’s not that bothered about marrying you. Both are fairly miserable. For you.

Unless he has significant additional needs, he knew full well he was still married. That’s not something you can just ‘forget’.

He sounds like a total turd and you absolutely should abandon any idea of marrying him. Raise your standards and throw him back, as the MN saying goes.

OP, I understand how you feel about his wife and daughter visiting today. I didn't get the impression from your post that you never want them around, that you expect your DP to cut them out of his life. Purely that you're emotionally in pieces since you woke up this morning so ANY company would just be too much to cope with, and for the reasons you already stated, their company is even more difficult at this moment.

I get that feeling, I've had depression and know how some days the thought of being around other people, even friends, can be overwhelming. My DH would never just tell me it's his house too. A relationship is about being considerate of each other and being willing to sacrifice what you want for the sake of the other person sometimes. He could have arranged to meet them somewhere else, he could have postponed it to another day, he could have made an effort to help you feel better before inviting them... He had options. He should have compassion for you in this situation, not act like it's somehow your fault.

Sounds like you need to have a real conversation with him about your relationship. It's not a happy thing to be tied for life to someone who'll just brush you off as an annoyance when you're in genuine distress about something.

@ABitBesottedWithMyDog

Inviting a pregnant woman to your home when you have just lost a baby... no words.

Aaach, come on. Yes, very distressing to have lost a baby - but this is his daughter, not just a random pregnant woman, and she lost he baby last year not 'just'? Is he never meant to see his daughter again until the child is grown and left home?

The rest of it though, there are no words.

I would certainly not be going ahead with a 'lovely ceremony and do the legal bit later', because I bet that would never come.

I don't understand how anyone could possibly 'forget' they're still married.

He doesn't sound pleasant.

@girlmom21

Did you not take out wedding insurance?

Aside from that, he's a lazy, nasty, insensitive cock and I'd cancel the wedding and not even consider rearranging until he grows up.

I doubt if wedding insurance will pay out when one party has forgotten they are married!

I disagree. You can be raw from a miscarriage a year on, I promise you, especially if you haven't been able to get pregnant again. She had asked for no visitors. I actually think it's the nastiest thing in this farcical situation.

"Forgotten" my arse!

Dodged a bullet there OP.

I didn't think it took that long to get divorced if your separated. DH did it & was very quick & easy as it was amicable & they had been separated 3 years

How the hell did he not remember he was married? I assume he's got a pretty good job if you can absorb a £30k loss as easily as you say you can, so whence this level of bumbling stupidity?

Also, unless he has made a will his still very much married to wife would have got everything had he died, surely?

That would have been another shock!

So let me get this straight. He is still legally married. They have an adult daughter so I assume that the marriage is 20+ years long.

He is wealthy enough that dropping 30K is no big deal. They are still married so if he drops down dead tomorrow, the wife inherits everything. She is presumably his next of kin. If they go for a divorce now, she may well get half of everything, including the house you live in.

Unless there is a legal separation in place. Or she is more wealthy than him?

I would say that the cancellation of the wedding is the least of your troubles.