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DH not inside work when I call?

294 replies

msscarlettwith · 05/04/2022 11:39

It would be useful to know what other think of this, if this is paranoia or not.
Me and DH work separately but will sometimes need to call one another about work. We are both self-employed. This has been for years. In the past year I started to notice that when I call his unit his employee would say DH is out (always at the same place) and will get DH to call me back.
The reason it started me to wonder what was going on was that the employee ( who is male) was starting to sound robotic. They'd always say exactly the same thing, almost with a sigh. Then DH would call me back usually fairly soon afterwards. It got to the stage where it was decided I'd call his mobile rather than the land-line. I can't remember how this was decided or what reason was given at the time.
There have been a few other things since I've been calling his mobile which made me wonder if DH is not actually inside the unit when I call.
He has an 'indoor' job, so not like he's outside working on cars for example. He's not a smoker so doesn't need to go outside.
It sometimes sounds like he's outside, but then is inside the building as our conversation progresses.
I once got what sounded like a divert signal when calling him.
He answered once sounding out of breath, I said that he sounded out of breath and he said he was running to the unit then quickly corrected himself, laughed and said, ' to the unit?! I mean, across the unit, der '.
His employee answered his mobile once inside and said DH was outside talking to someone. DH must have pre-asked employee to do that as they would never normally answer each others phones.
There are a couple of other more specific examples too which suggest DH is often outside the unit, but close enough to return in minutes.
I can't think what he's doing that he's outside but close to the unit but that he needs to effectively lie to me.

OP posts:
marqueses · 05/04/2022 15:55

Yes but he's her husband. She'll know whether he's bullshitting her if she asks him outright

Husbands lie to wives every single day and get away with it. If you could explain how to tell a lie you could save so much heartache for wives being cheated on and lied to. Literally threads every day from women who've been lied to and believed what they were told.

HangingRock25 · 05/04/2022 15:55

@BoredZelda

Man is not immediatley available to answer wifes call whilest at work and the mumsnet brigade automatically assume hes having an affair wtaf??

And, hire a PI 🤦🏻‍♀️

My husband rarely answers the phone when I call. He calls me back. Same if he calls me at work. Neither of us are having an affair, we’re just working. The standard response is “they’re not here at the moment”. If that equates to “they are outside chatting someone up” then our receptionist had better change her lines.

But add in the breathlessness, talking about running to the unit, saying he was talking to soander-nevermind, then changing name quickly.....

It all adds up. Alone, rarely answering a call (even though they're right there in the office) might not mean much, but you're forgetting there are usually other pieces of a puzzle, or other little things that don't make sense. They add up, which causes the suspicion. It's usually not just one thing on it's own.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 05/04/2022 15:55

@BoredZelda

Man is not immediatley available to answer wifes call whilest at work and the mumsnet brigade automatically assume hes having an affair wtaf??

And, hire a PI 🤦🏻‍♀️

My husband rarely answers the phone when I call. He calls me back. Same if he calls me at work. Neither of us are having an affair, we’re just working. The standard response is “they’re not here at the moment”. If that equates to “they are outside chatting someone up” then our receptionist had better change her lines.

That’s different though. He is supposed to be one place and isn’t. He is asking his employees to give a script to the app each time she rings. So much so that she only rings his mobile. And then when he answers, he STILL isn’t where he is supposed be etc….

It’s not an issue of ‘I am busy so ill ring back later’.

Lochroy · 05/04/2022 15:57

@BoredZelda

Man is not immediatley available to answer wifes call whilest at work and the mumsnet brigade automatically assume hes having an affair wtaf??

And, hire a PI 🤦🏻‍♀️

My husband rarely answers the phone when I call. He calls me back. Same if he calls me at work. Neither of us are having an affair, we’re just working. The standard response is “they’re not here at the moment”. If that equates to “they are outside chatting someone up” then our receptionist had better change her lines.

The issue isn't particularly that he doesn't answer the phone, it's the change in behaviour which is unexplained and not being explained.

OP, I agree it's weird and of course you want to know. You have to tread carefully though because effectively, you are saying you don't trust what he's saying and that's a big deal. Before leaping as far as a PI, I think you need to do one surprise visit yourself.

thedancingbear · 05/04/2022 16:00

@midsomermurderess

If someone goes to the length of hiring a PI, surely the relationship is over. If I found out my partner had done that instead of asking me what was going on, I doubt I'd be hanging around.
The way I see it is this.

Man is cheating = LTB
Man is not cheating = the trust is gone, so LTB

Bit like a medieval ducking stool. Correct outcome every time!

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 05/04/2022 16:02

If he's spending lots of his time outside, chatting to person unknown, but obviously trying to hide it from you, then he's clearly up to no good. Yes it could be a million other things but the most likely is that he's enjoying the company of someone else rather too much.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/04/2022 16:03

The script from assistant and the sigh I don't think is a good sign. It's owners wife phoning surely you'd get to know them a bit and be friendly - oh he's just popped out, he's down in stores, can I pass a message on. Not set words and then he immediately rings husband who comes running to ring Op. I worked in a firm where 2 bosses were having affairs with ow and it was awkward if a wife called.

Nelliephant1 · 05/04/2022 16:05

@forevertired12

F
Seriously???!!!!
JemimaTiggywinkle · 05/04/2022 16:06

Can you not start phoning the landline again?

BoredZelda · 05/04/2022 16:08

He is supposed to be one place and isn’t. He is asking his employees to give a script to the app each time she rings. So much so that she only rings his mobile. And then when he answers, he STILL isn’t where he is supposed be etc….

I’m sure glad my husband doesn’t think there is one place I am SUPPOSED to be in my work place. They might answer that way no matter who phones. But sure, let’s jump to having a drug fuelled, affair with a woman who smokes and loves gambling that he is carrying on outside his office every day.

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/04/2022 16:09

His employee is clearly in "cover for me" mode.

If over the past year you've hardly been able to catch your DH where he is supposed to be working, I would firstly worry that his business and therefore his family is in trouble financially. If it's not work trouble it's a woman.

If there's a certain time of day you call and he's never in, drop by at that time. But the employee may have been coached to stall you and text so he can dash back from wherever he is.

Then tell him you want to know what's going on. Ask to look at his phone. Say that you're worried about his business. If he looks relieved at that, you have bigger problems.

midsomermurderess · 05/04/2022 16:09

I suppose all we need now is the inevitable 'he's had his head turned'. Although the presentation of a man passively being acted upon and helpless in the face of the spell of another woman, entirely without choice or agency, always surprises me.
I don't think this thread will end well. The OP must now be full of anxiety.

CaMePlaitPas · 05/04/2022 16:09

He's talking to a receptionist at another unit. Arrange to meet for lunch and arrive earlier than expected.

BoredZelda · 05/04/2022 16:10

They add up, which causes the suspicion. It's usually not just one thing on it's own.

I daresay if I thought my husband was cheating and I looked at everything he has said and done, I could convince myself they all add up to that.

Still, at least on these sorts of threads, the answer becomes clear very quickly.

CaMePlaitPas · 05/04/2022 16:14

Is he a tradie? It is possible he's going outside to talk to people, there's always people about even at a tradie office. If he's a web developer though or has a desk bound job I'd be more suspicious.

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/04/2022 16:15

I'll never understand why some people on these threads always get so defensive and snarky on behalf of the spouse.

girlmom21 · 05/04/2022 16:16

[quote HangingRock25]**@girlmom21* Yes but he's her husband. She'll know whether he's bullshitting her if she asks him outright.*

The literally thousands of women on this site alone that were gaslit into believing their husband proves the exact opposite. If women 'knew whether he's bullshitting', this site wouldn't have a need to even exist. Bar parenting advice, of course.[/quote]
Sorry but you're jumping straight to prostitution and gambling...

Gonnagetgoing · 05/04/2022 16:16

I think he’s probably talking to someone at another unit, a woman and flirting with them.

Have you noticed a change in his appearance lately? Clothes, haircut, lost weight, new aftershave, upping gym visits etc?

ThreeRingCircus · 05/04/2022 16:18

I've been a secret smoker at work OP. DH hates smoking and didn't have a clue I was doing it as I'd only pop outside when I was at work and covered my tracks enough with disguising the smell. Eventually I felt horrible about it and told him what I'd been doing as I knew he'd guilt trip me into stopping, which is what I needed. He was completely shocked and said he had no clue I'd been smoking.

Could it be something as innocent as that OP?

Also, is there a particular reason you're frequently phoning him during the work day? I would absolutely hate it if DH was always calling me at work and I'm sure he would too. Obviously if there's a reason that is work related then that's different.

girlmom21 · 05/04/2022 16:19

@Dixiechickonhols

The script from assistant and the sigh I don't think is a good sign. It's owners wife phoning surely you'd get to know them a bit and be friendly - oh he's just popped out, he's down in stores, can I pass a message on. Not set words and then he immediately rings husband who comes running to ring Op. I worked in a firm where 2 bosses were having affairs with ow and it was awkward if a wife called.
It's also annoying as fuck when you're waiting for actual important work calls and you keep getting calls from the wife because he's not answering his mobile because he's, you know, working.

I'd sigh too.

lms2017 · 05/04/2022 16:21

What's his line of work ? My partner is a site manager when he is office based he is barely in the office ! He is usually outside the office on the phone pacing up and down because he can't sit still and take a call even at home , he also might sneak out for a second lunch , although the evidence is usually in his bag.

I think you should just ask the question to him , depending on his job does he actually work outside of the office such as making things etc or does he have a desk job?.

lms2017 · 05/04/2022 16:21

Also does he have a work phone ?

YawnAndTheyWillYawnToo · 05/04/2022 16:22

Perhaps he doesn’t want to talk your call because of the type of conversation you’ll be having…is it something that can wait till he’s home.. so you have to call him at work.. he could just be getting irritated

Gardeningcreature · 05/04/2022 16:22

I Think the scripted response from the employee is very telling.
If the dh is not doing anything untoward then surely the employee would say something like "Hold the line, I'll just check if he is in his office, sorry he isn't there, not sure where he is, do you want to try his mobile?"

thenewduchessoflapland · 05/04/2022 16:25

@msscarlettwith

He told me one time of a minor car accident he saw at the back of the unit, he sort of absentmindedly was telling me about the bad driving, then said he saw it 'as I was talking to ... (pause) someone'. I asked him 'who?' and he said he couldn't remember who he had been talking to. At the time I didn't think much of it. Now I'm starting to question it.

As I was talking to another woman who I fancy and like to chat up when I'm at work.She probably works in one of the other units.