Annoyed partner. My fault?

[Illwithdisappointment]

Try and keep it short.
Partners birthday today. Have a 3 year old and have had one night out since he was born due to Covid/family living far away.

Booked us a trip away to tell him about today. I booked in Jan, spent absolutely ages looking and spent way more than I wanted but figured it's worth it because we never do anything.

It's 3 nights away and my mum is babysitting. Luxury lodge overlooking a lake with our own hot tub. I had big plans in my head that it would be romantic, we'd go on day trips etc. I couldn't wait to tell him.

Partner due to go out Saturday just gone but I tested positive for Covid. I've been really ill and still am, struggling to breathe and not eaten in 4 days, chest pain etc. He cancelled his night out and they rearranged. I would like to point out that it was just some drinks in the pub, nothing special as such. They rearranged, aprtner told me the date and I said ok. I later realised it was same date as our holiday. I thought about texting his friend to tell him that my partner wouldn't be available during that date. However and this is important to note ...they NEVER make plans in advance, it's literally a few days before and the trip is 7 weeks away. I decided I would just tell my partner on his birthday about our trip and they would rearrange the night out (as it was only 3 days between them rearranging night out and partners birthday). Maybe I should have told my partner about the trip early and inmade the wrong decision but I didn't think it'd be an issue and I've been so unwell all weekend.

Anyway, his birthday is today and just before i mentioned the holiday he says how great this night out will be as lots are able to make it this time. My heart sinks already knowing he'll be disappointed because he'll have to come away with me instead.

I had booked this so long ago and had in my head how excited we would be about finally going away. Maybe that's my issue.

Anyway, his reaction to me booking a holiday for us was basically 'but I've made plans with my friends now'. He got angry and basically told me I should have told him the date. I apologised and said that he always tells me his friends make plans last minute and that it was only 3 days earlier they had rearranged and I wanted to present his gift on his birthday. He started shouted that I had lied to him. I said I hadn't lied but not wanted to spoil the surprise but he kept shouting that I'd lied and now he'd have to cancel. He did suggest rearranging the holiday but I can't, I've paid most of it, my mum and stepdad have taken time off work and toot was really expensive and the other dates that month are around £150 more. I ended up in tears and told him I'll cancel and he said no he'll just have to cancel all the plans he made with his friends and I shouldn't have lied.

I'm sat upstairs in tears. Maybe overemotional because I placed too much emphasis on this trip away and had built it up in my mind for so long. Also because I'm so ill, not eaten in 4 days and I'm in pain.

I'm locked away on the bedroom crying and he's downstairs telling our toddler his birthday is ruined.

He shouldn’t yell at you, and his reaction to a cancelled night out seems a bit insane. However, if he hasn’t had a night out with his friends since Covid, I suppose I get why it seems so important.

I really really don’t understand booking an expensive holiday without consulting or confirming with the other person. I wouldn’t consider that a pleasant surprise, personally. At the very least, you could have gone ‘I have something planned for XY date, keep said dates free’. And I REALLY don’t understand why you wouldn’t flag that the dates were taken when they were rebooking the night out.

I don’t think this situation merits anyone being in tears or is birthday ‘ruining’, though. It all feels a bit disproportionate. I hope you eat something and feel better soon.

Agree with above poster. His reaction was too much, but I really really can't understand why you'd book this back in January and say nothing at all about it!!

He had a night out with his friends 2 weeks ago. He always says he wants us to go away and do things but we can't because of a babysitter. Yes in hindsight I should have told him the date but I didn't realise at first. Honestly I've been so unwell I was almost admitted to hospital over the weekend.
It was the fact they never make plans in advance and I didn't think they would have decided plans in 3 days for a night out 7 weeks away (as they never do).

He goes out with friends regularly. This will be out first time away on 4 years and only our second time ever alone without our son in 3 years.

Because it was a gift for his birthday

When the date was rescheduled then you definitely should have said something, I know it was a surprise but you could have said we’re doing something then for your birthday and not told him what it was.

He does seem to be overreacting though and your relationship dynamic seems quite unhealthy

Agree with others that his reaction but a bit much but I honestly can't understand why you didn't tell him you'd booked something. I know you wanted it to be a surprise but when you found out he'd arranged something else you should have let him know. I think I would have been pissed off as well.

@Illwithdisappointment

Because it was a gift for his birthday

I’d still have at least said to keep the dates free. However, based on your subsequent posts, his reaction seems even more disproportionate and unpleasant. You were clearly trying to do a nice thing, even if it turned out to not be ideal timing. He’s not missing anything major and you’re extremely poorly, to top it off. His behaviour isn’t on at all.

Does he often treat you like this?

It doesn't really matter what it's about. You've made a planning error and he's yelling at you, calling you names, and sharing his displeasure with your child. None of those 3 things are healthy ways of dealing with what's happened.

What's he usually like if you make a mistake? Has he yelled at you before or called you names? Does he do the passive aggressive thing of involving your child often?

You should have told him. Surprises are never as much fun for the person being surprised as the one planning them.

You booked him a birthday treat that you wanted and were excited about.

He shouldn't shout at you, but IMO surprises are always more about the giver than the receiver.

You can't go around committing other people to dates without telling them.

I'd like to think I'd have behaved better than him, but my initial reaction might not have been great TBH. I'd be disappointed that I would miss the thing I'd been looking forward to and also that my birthday present was the source of distress/upset.

He’s telling your child his birthday is ruined? Dear me!

It's surprising how many PPs are focusing on the fact that OP made a mistake with the dates. I'm sure we've all made mistakes with dates over the years. Does everybody get yelled at and called a liar when they make a mistake? How come people aren't focusing on that?

Go on your trip with the 3 year old and leave your parents to look after the manchild.

Hope you feel better soon, OP

Meh on one hand it does sound as if you were making excuses - unless you're unconscious sending a text isn't exactly over exerting yourself even if you're unwell. Plus it's a bit of a cop out saying they always arrange things last minute - they might usually but in this case they clearly have sorted a date well in advance so no reason to think they would change it even if they don't sort the exact details like where they are going until later. I can see why if you haven't seen your mates for ages he would be looking forward to a big night out with them too.

But overall I think your dp is being way too aggressive. You never "lied" to him and at the end of the day your "crime" is to book and pay for something he says he's been wanting for years. Realistically by 7 weeks time half the mates will have probably changed their minds/got covid/ can't come to the get together anyway and he does have loads of time to at least suggest an alternative date with them which would be most people's first thought rather than immediately flying off the handle.

I would leave him to his night out and either take your mum and baby or a friend to the lodge tbh!

'He's downstairs telling our toddler his birthday is ruined.'

He's doing what??? How is that appropriate?

No way would I be going away with him now. Yes you should have told him to keep those dates free for a surprise but he shouldn't be shouting at you.

Keep the holiday and plans. Tell him he's no longer invited and you'll take a friend instead. So he can keep to his plans. Then go to bed, you need to rest

@Watchkeys

It's surprising how many PPs are focusing on the fact that OP made a mistake with the dates. I'm sure we've all made mistakes with dates over the years. Does everybody get yelled at and called a liar when they make a mistake? How come people aren't focusing on that?

Well she didn't make a mistake as such - she booked the place and then didn't tell her dp to keep those dates free, then didn't tell him again when he said he'd made plans for the date. So she made active decisions rather than a mistake which is what people are addressing.

Dp might be annoyed that he let his mate down last weekend because he cancelled when op was ill, mate went to the effort to rearrange, now he has to cancel on the mate again because Op has double booked him.

None of which excuses his ridiculous OTT reaction and he is definitely more at fault than Op but it's not as simple as getting the dates wrong because she didn't. She (out of her, dp and mate) was the only one who was in possession of all the facts and if she had messaged the mate as soon as dp said the meet up had been rearranged the incident might have been avoided. But hers was an understandable, defendable, small error whereas his reaction is not.

Take a friend. He is over reacting - ignore him. Awful behaviour to involve your toddler.

What's the relationship like normally? What you've described sounds horrible. My partner has never shouted at me. The heart of this is that he didn't get that this is bigger than 3 days away, it's about the two of you. You shown him something that you thought he would recognise the intent and meaning and he's thrown it on the floor.

PPs are being absolutely nutty. Who gives a shit whether YOU would enjoy a surprise? OP has a child with this man, presumably she knows he doesn't normally visibly recoil at surprises like some of you lot.

OP its only the pub, something he can do anytime with his friends, and he could easily reframe it as like extended birthday celebrations by going out with his friends when he got back. You did a nice, thoughtful thing and hes been rude, nasty and ungrateful and shat on your efforts.

I know a couple of people who are very rigid in their plan-making. Once something is arranged, they seem to lock it in in their minds as something set in stone and it seems to really throw them off and piss them off if something else disrupts it. Is your partner like this? I'm more of a go with the flow person so find it baffling when they can't seem to see a solution just by, in this case, enjoying his birthday surprise and going for drinks when he gets back. His friends would obviously understand!

You should have told him you had something planned when you knew he had a date arranged in the midst of your surpise get away. However his response is outrageous. He doesnt care about a get away with you given you havent had a break for years. His priority is his friends. Get a friend to go with you and enjoy the break.

I wasn't trying to be awkward with the dates.
I was half asleep on the sofa and he text me the new date, I said ok because I wasn't thinking. Honestly, I've had hardly anything to drink and was half asleep and disoriented.
I later realised my mistake and debated texting his friend (who I don't really know) but decided to wait because by the time his birthday arrived, they had only said they were meeting 3 days ago.
It was literally just a meet in the pub for drinks. He met these friends 2 weeks ago and is meeting again next weekend.

When he later told me a few people were going on the night out I wanted to tell him about the holiday date but I knew he'd already be angry with me and would end up raising his voice and I couldn't mentally or physically cope with it.

I honestly just thought that I'd tell him about the holiday 3 days later and they'd just pick another night for the pub.

I think im over emotional because we have literally had no time together in years..I spent weeks planning this place and spent double than I was going to because I decided it was worth it. I'd already had it planed in my head.

I do appreciate I got it wrong with the dates and have no issue with him mentioning this but when he started shouting that I'm a liar it seem ott. Everything I did was meant from a good place and I was trying to do the right thing.
I was upset that something input so much effort into got a negative reaction.

Anyway, thanks for the perspective that I'm unreasonable. Is houldnt have booked a romantic trip away, evidently he'd prefer not to miss a piss up.
Tlots the tip of the ice berg and I've told him to leave.

Oh and with regards to him letting down his friends last weekend. He had already been out with them the weekend before and is meeting them next weekend.
Even though he cancelled because I have Covid, 3 friends had already dropped out and my partner had already said it was a bit pointless.

Also, I don't like it being suggested that im activy deceptive. I didn't tell him because it was supposed to be a romantic, surprise gift. Not because I was trying to hide things.

Sorry for typos, to be honest I'm feeling really light headed and I'm upset.

Also, he isn't someone who would hate a surprise. Usually he would have been happy. It's the way he speaks to me that upsets me. As stupid as it sounds I didn't intially link the dates and when I did, I just thought they'd rearrange the pub as it's 7 weeks away.