Annoyed partner. My fault?

[Illwithdisappointment]

Try and keep it short.
Partners birthday today. Have a 3 year old and have had one night out since he was born due to Covid/family living far away.

Booked us a trip away to tell him about today. I booked in Jan, spent absolutely ages looking and spent way more than I wanted but figured it's worth it because we never do anything.

It's 3 nights away and my mum is babysitting. Luxury lodge overlooking a lake with our own hot tub. I had big plans in my head that it would be romantic, we'd go on day trips etc. I couldn't wait to tell him.

Partner due to go out Saturday just gone but I tested positive for Covid. I've been really ill and still am, struggling to breathe and not eaten in 4 days, chest pain etc. He cancelled his night out and they rearranged. I would like to point out that it was just some drinks in the pub, nothing special as such. They rearranged, aprtner told me the date and I said ok. I later realised it was same date as our holiday. I thought about texting his friend to tell him that my partner wouldn't be available during that date. However and this is important to note ...they NEVER make plans in advance, it's literally a few days before and the trip is 7 weeks away. I decided I would just tell my partner on his birthday about our trip and they would rearrange the night out (as it was only 3 days between them rearranging night out and partners birthday). Maybe I should have told my partner about the trip early and inmade the wrong decision but I didn't think it'd be an issue and I've been so unwell all weekend.

Anyway, his birthday is today and just before i mentioned the holiday he says how great this night out will be as lots are able to make it this time. My heart sinks already knowing he'll be disappointed because he'll have to come away with me instead.

I had booked this so long ago and had in my head how excited we would be about finally going away. Maybe that's my issue.

Anyway, his reaction to me booking a holiday for us was basically 'but I've made plans with my friends now'. He got angry and basically told me I should have told him the date. I apologised and said that he always tells me his friends make plans last minute and that it was only 3 days earlier they had rearranged and I wanted to present his gift on his birthday. He started shouted that I had lied to him. I said I hadn't lied but not wanted to spoil the surprise but he kept shouting that I'd lied and now he'd have to cancel. He did suggest rearranging the holiday but I can't, I've paid most of it, my mum and stepdad have taken time off work and toot was really expensive and the other dates that month are around £150 more. I ended up in tears and told him I'll cancel and he said no he'll just have to cancel all the plans he made with his friends and I shouldn't have lied.

I'm sat upstairs in tears. Maybe overemotional because I placed too much emphasis on this trip away and had built it up in my mind for so long. Also because I'm so ill, not eaten in 4 days and I'm in pain.

I'm locked away on the bedroom crying and he's downstairs telling our toddler his birthday is ruined.

This is symptomatic of a wider problem in the relationship, as you say.

You're being very dramatic about the whole thing - your choice of words, the constant mentions of being so ill with Covid, the crying upstairs on your own. Yes I've had Covid and had it badly; yes I know it's horrible and yes I know you feel let down; but the fact remains that you should've told him the dates and to keep them free, rather than jumping to assumptions.
You've got yourself all excited and built up over a surprise that you wanted, and now you're deflated that he doesn't feel the same way.

Meanwhile, he's overreacted horrendously and his response is completely unacceptable.

Neither of you have covered yourself in glory here. Probably best to calm down, get better from Covid, and then have an adult discussion - without all the drama- about if and how you can communicate better.

Well, he sounds like a proper cunt, shouting, calling you a liar, I would bin this one off asap.

I dont think for a minute you have done anything wrong, i may have misread your OP but it looked like you spotted the new date for a night out was going to clash. Your DP is not nice and his response to your surprise is to lose it and suggest his night out with mates is more important is enough for you to reconsider this relationship. Leave your toddler and take your mum.

You've done nothing wrong. You planned a surprise and he generally likes surprises. When he rearranged the night out you didn't immediately notice the clash, and why would you, espeically as you're ill. At the worst, you could have mentioned to him that you'd got something planned on that date, once you realised, but that would have been, what 2 days ago? It really wouldn't have made a huge difference to planning his night out.

And in any case, yelling and calling you a liar and involving your child are huge red flags.

I'm glad you asked him to leave.

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful and forgiving person. He sounds the exact opposite of all of those.

Sorry to say, it you will never have a happy relationship with that imbalance. You can be the most perfect and nice girlfriend in the world and it will never be enough to offset his horrible attitude.

You made a mistake whilst ill, its easily done & there is no need for him to react the way he did.

He is acting like a child, there is no reason he couldn't act like a grown man and thank you for your thoughtful gift and rearrange his night out especially as he sees them regularly amd doesn't get to spend time away with you

Honestly I would tell him to go off out with his friends, take back his present & take someone else with you that will appreciate the time with you. If you take him he will probably spend all weekend grumpy and ruin your time away

I've just had enough and I'm a mess.
You're all right, it's the symptom of a wider problem.

I don't feel he particularly cares or has any interest and I've never met someone so selfish in my whole life.

He likes to tell me I'm crazy. I've said I'm upset because I tried to do something nice because we haven't had time together in years and I'm disappointed that his reaction was to shout at me and call me liar. I've apologised for the dates. I genuinely didn't realise at first and when I did later realise assumed they wouldn't have made plans within 3 days for a night out in 7 weeks because they never do.
He then walked in through the door telling me that a lots more people could make the night out. I was going to tell him about the date clash then but knew he'd be disappointed about the holiday ruining his night out and to be honest I was already gutted and didn't want to deal with it. Honestly though, I just thought they'd move the night out to another week.

I'm gutted that he just doesn't give a shit and he keeps shouting at me that I've ruined his birthday. He then tried to cary on as normal but I can't because this is all part of a wider issue that he just isn't bothered.

I've told him again I want him to leave. I just don't see the point anymore. He said if he's going he's taking our son for a few days. I said no, he's not once put him to bed or had him over night and is generally crap, plus drinks most nights. So just no.

Hope you haven't got the impression from this thread that you've been unreasonable. You haven't. Some people have suggested a slightly different approach - which would be great advice if he wasn't a dick. But it appears he is. So - get some space to think, and go on the holiday with someone else if you can.

So he goes out frequently with his mates drinking whilst you stay home with your toddlers.How often do you get to have nights out?

Judging by his reaction I'd be wondering who he's seeing on these nights out that makes it so terribly important he needs to be there.

He sounds very immature and petty.

How's his behaviour towards you otherwise?

And his words were 'incam go away with you anytime'.

But no. He can't. We have no childcare here at all. We had one night out for a wedding last year and that's it. Our son is with us from the time we wake until 10pm at night. We have 1 hr in the evening that we watch a show before I go to bed early for the school run.

He can go out anytime as I'll babysit but us going out together is hard work. My mum is amazing and I'm close to her but she's 100 miles away, so I have to really plan a night out.

He also doesn't understand I can't just rearrange a holiday as it's mostly fully booked for months or any other dates are a lot more expensive. Plus my mum and stepdad have booked time off work.

He doesn't mind if I go out but I'm not overly interested in nights out drinking. My friends are mostly mum friends and we prefer to to go tea and cake during the day or meet with the kids. It's harder to plan nights out and to be honest I'm often so exhausted I'd be happy with just an hour to have a rest.

He generally likes to shout at me and has always put himself first. Wasn't interested when I was pregnant or for the first year of our child's birth, literally left me struggling on my own and when I ask why he wasn't around he says 'newborns are a mother's job and you were breastfeeding, so I couldn't do anything'. Despite the fact I was expressing breast milk from our child being 3 days old.

He sounds awful. Like my ex - total selfishness!

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas thank you. I suppose I hadn't considered the other approach that maybe I was wrong to book a surprise. In honesty, it's something he usually would have loved. It seems that he's just really angry that when I realised the date I didn't tell him immediately. He's decided that me keeping that date for 3 days wasn't a surprise but means I'm a liar.
Like I said. He constantly tells me his friends are last minute and never plan anything. He cancelled his night out but I now know he'd rather be there than with me, so what's the point.

Why not go on the weekend with your parents and plan on how you can leave this deeply unpleasant man? He shouts at you and calls you a liar for not telling him about a trip you’ve organised as a treat? And then bleats on about you ’ruining his birthday’ , I’d definitely plan to ltb. Good luck, and get well soon 💐

@layladomino

You've done nothing wrong. You planned a surprise and he generally likes surprises. When he rearranged the night out you didn't immediately notice the clash, and why would you, espeically as you're ill. At the worst, you could have mentioned to him that you'd got something planned on that date, once you realised, but that would have been, what 2 days ago? It really wouldn't have made a huge difference to planning his night out.

And in any case, yelling and calling you a liar and involving your child are huge red flags.

I'm glad you asked him to leave.

Agreed. This is on him and you have nothing to apologise for, he's way out of order.

Not sure why you're getting a hard time from posters OP, sounds like you did a thoughtful thing and he's reacted by throwing it back in your face. Plus symptom of wider problems, the more you post the worse he sounds.

Do you have any good friends you could take on the holiday instead?

Being shouted at by your partner is not on, and him pulling your kid into it is manipulative and toxic. Can you speak to women's aid or access individual counseling to talk about this very harmful dynamic?

Interesting your partner states that you both can go away anytime. Which is actually not true but also what at you could say to him about seeing his mates.

I think you should use this situation to reflect on your crap relationship, never mind how he treats you but to now also bring your toddler into it shows this will get worse.

OP he sounds like a big spoilt baby.
How dare he react like that to your very thoughtful gift?

The correct response from him would have been oh that sounds amazing thank you, I'll need to rearrange my boys night out but it's totally worth it. The end.

It's obvious where his priorities lie - with his mates. However the most disturbing thing about this whole situation IMO is that he is involving your young child in your disagreements and upset. That is not a normal thing to do and could lead to a very emotionally disturbed child if he is made to hear about every upset and disagreement you have and could be very damaging for your relationship with him if you are constantly presented as the one upsetting his dad.

He sounds absolutely awful.

Talk to your mother.

You need support.

It almost seems he's over reacting, maybe to cover up that he's checked out of the relationship. He wants to make you feel bad, when he's really in the wrong.

Also the fact that you are hesitant to bring things up with him because of how he will react, is very familiar to me. My ex had me acting the same way, I dont think you should feel that way with someone you love and have a partnership with. It's very toxic and causes anxiety. And a relationship shouldnt cause you this much stress, especially over a surprise holiday.

He generally likes to shout at me and has always put himself first. Wasn't interested when I was pregnant or for the first year of our child's birth, literally left me struggling on my own and when I ask why he wasn't around he says 'newborns are a mother's job and you were breastfeeding, so I couldn't do anything'.

I wouldn't be booking holidays for this guy, I'd have left him. He sounds horrible.

@Shoxfordian

When the date was rescheduled then you definitely should have said something, I know it was a surprise but you could have said we’re doing something then for your birthday and not told him what it was.

He does seem to be overreacting though and your relationship dynamic seems quite unhealthy

This.

His reaction was extreme and pretty unreasonable, but you should have told him when he told you the date of his night out.

As a rule, surprise holidays are often problematic in one way or another. I hate surprises even if it was well meant. I've said often to please never try to surprise me with something without me agreeing to it first!

@Sunnytwobridges

It almost seems he's over reacting, maybe to cover up that he's checked out of the relationship. He wants to make you feel bad, when he's really in the wrong.

Also the fact that you are hesitant to bring things up with him because of how he will react, is very familiar to me. My ex had me acting the same way, I dont think you should feel that way with someone you love and have a partnership with. It's very toxic and causes anxiety. And a relationship shouldnt cause you this much stress, especially over a surprise holiday.

I would agree. Any nice thing that I did for my ex (which was loads!) would either be ignored or in some way belittled. I booked an expensive cabin for us for his birthday on days I KNEW he was not working and he immediately starting ranting about doing overtime on those days and how he'd have to drive etc. We ended up traveling there separately so he could fit in some made up over time and he turned up gone bed time, sulked the whole time and was out the door first thing to do some more imaginary overtime.

There was no way he would ever let there be evidence that i was a nice, kind generous person. I was a psycho gold digger in his eyes and all evidence to contrary had to be manipulated to prove him right.

Run, run, run. He is determined to shit on any efforts you make and your updates about childcare are horrible :(