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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Annoyed partner. My fault?

207 replies

Illwithdisappointment · 05/04/2022 09:38

Try and keep it short.
Partners birthday today. Have a 3 year old and have had one night out since he was born due to Covid/family living far away.

Booked us a trip away to tell him about today. I booked in Jan, spent absolutely ages looking and spent way more than I wanted but figured it's worth it because we never do anything.

It's 3 nights away and my mum is babysitting. Luxury lodge overlooking a lake with our own hot tub. I had big plans in my head that it would be romantic, we'd go on day trips etc. I couldn't wait to tell him.

Partner due to go out Saturday just gone but I tested positive for Covid. I've been really ill and still am, struggling to breathe and not eaten in 4 days, chest pain etc. He cancelled his night out and they rearranged. I would like to point out that it was just some drinks in the pub, nothing special as such. They rearranged, aprtner told me the date and I said ok. I later realised it was same date as our holiday. I thought about texting his friend to tell him that my partner wouldn't be available during that date. However and this is important to note ...they NEVER make plans in advance, it's literally a few days before and the trip is 7 weeks away. I decided I would just tell my partner on his birthday about our trip and they would rearrange the night out (as it was only 3 days between them rearranging night out and partners birthday). Maybe I should have told my partner about the trip early and inmade the wrong decision but I didn't think it'd be an issue and I've been so unwell all weekend.

Anyway, his birthday is today and just before i mentioned the holiday he says how great this night out will be as lots are able to make it this time. My heart sinks already knowing he'll be disappointed because he'll have to come away with me instead.

I had booked this so long ago and had in my head how excited we would be about finally going away. Maybe that's my issue.

Anyway, his reaction to me booking a holiday for us was basically 'but I've made plans with my friends now'. He got angry and basically told me I should have told him the date. I apologised and said that he always tells me his friends make plans last minute and that it was only 3 days earlier they had rearranged and I wanted to present his gift on his birthday. He started shouted that I had lied to him. I said I hadn't lied but not wanted to spoil the surprise but he kept shouting that I'd lied and now he'd have to cancel. He did suggest rearranging the holiday but I can't, I've paid most of it, my mum and stepdad have taken time off work and toot was really expensive and the other dates that month are around £150 more. I ended up in tears and told him I'll cancel and he said no he'll just have to cancel all the plans he made with his friends and I shouldn't have lied.

I'm sat upstairs in tears. Maybe overemotional because I placed too much emphasis on this trip away and had built it up in my mind for so long. Also because I'm so ill, not eaten in 4 days and I'm in pain.

I'm locked away on the bedroom crying and he's downstairs telling our toddler his birthday is ruined.

OP posts:
Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 17:45

I'm devastated

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/04/2022 17:54
Thanks

Get online and apply for UC and CMS urgently.

What a bastard, can't believe he's left you too unwell to look after the DC so he can go on the piss.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 07/04/2022 18:08

No wonder your mother hates him

You should too

Can you go and stay with your mother in the short term?

Allsorts1 · 07/04/2022 18:17

None of my boyfriends have ever yelled at me and none have ever called me a “liar”. You weren’t “lying” you were trying to do a surprise holiday but probably chose the wrong way about it. He sounds pretty awful.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/04/2022 18:20

@RandomMess

Thanks

Get online and apply for UC and CMS urgently.

What a bastard, can't believe he's left you too unwell to look after the DC so he can go on the piss.

This.

If I was your mum I would fucking hate this arsehole too.

Horrible, nasty bully.

Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 18:29

My mum has hated him for ages for many reasons. I can't stay with her as she has also just tested positive for Covid and is really unwell and I am too unwell for the 2 hour drive. Thank you all. This is so hard right now.

OP posts:
springtimeishereagain · 07/04/2022 18:33

I read this with horror. Op, he is absolutely awful. I wouldn't treat a dog like he treats you. And you keep coming back for more! Why? I'd have asked him to leave long ago.

Right. He's going tonight. Good. Can't he take the dc with him, let you rest? Have you rung your GP or 101? They might want to see you if you haven't eaten in so long.

Takes things a day at a time. You and your dc we'll be so much better without this cunt in your life.

Take a friend or your mum to your h's birthday trip. He doesn't deserve to go, the mardy twat.

Take care.

RantyAunty · 07/04/2022 18:40

Do you think your eldest's father would keep him a little while longer if that would help or at least bring something easy to make for the kids while you rest. Try to keep sipping even tiny bits of water and broth if you have it to keep hydrated.

So sorry you're so unwell and having to deal with his bs.
Flowers

Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 18:59

@springtimeishereagain I was planning on calling the GP but managed to drink a bit more yesterday, so hopefully I'm improving each day. I think it's just going to take time to build up my strength again.

@RantyAunty my eldests dad just dropped him off and reminded me he's having our son extra this weekend as it's his stepsons birthday. Good in one way for my son, however having my eldest would be helpful. He's so good and I know if I managed a walk, he would play with his little brother.
I'm not sure how to entertain a 2 year old all weekend when I don't even feel strong enough to walk down the road. Also, I don't think we legally have to isolate but I can't really go to soft play and meet friends whilst I'm still testing positive and having symptoms.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 07/04/2022 19:03

...he's not once put him to bed or had him over night and is generally crap, plus drinks most nights.

Ah, it's all coming out now. I don't think you've done anything wrong and the bigger picture isn't looking very good. You don't sound very happy with him, he doesn't sound particularly nice, so use today's 'incident' as the reason to get rid of him.

Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 19:10

@LightSpeeds there is a lot more to it but i just wanted to focus on the current issue as I was genuinely surprised he was so ungrateful. As I've said, I take responsibility for the date clash and if he had asked me to rearrange nicely I'd have looked into it immediately. It was the way he has spoken to me and I've angered him and been selfish booking the trip away. I also couldn't believe him shouting at me for no birthday card. I ordered one as soon as I knew I couldn't get to the shops but it hasn't arrived. He told me not to drive to the shops and I got our son to make one. I feel gutted he's going to tell people I didn't get him a card and I bought him a gift that he didn't want. I spent ages picking because hes so critical. I thought of everything and even asked his family for help.

Anyway, I know it's an unhealthy relationship. I feel he has broken me. I honestly feel he set out to meet a younger woman and wanted someone to destroyed. He succeeded.

OP posts:
Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 19:10

*destroy

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/04/2022 19:54

Once you are better can you move to your Mums (if COVID no longer an issue)

Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 19:56

Not really, it's not ideal living back at my mum's. I have an eldest son in school here (he's 12) with his dad down the road, my job and friends are here.
I love my mum but is be depressed quitting my job and moving my children. I love where I grew up but it's in the middle.of nowhere.

OP posts:
Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 20:15

He's currently still here. He's sat playing Xbox. Presumably staying until DS goes to bed. I don't see why, he is sat on the computer and when our son walks in he says 'go get your mother'.

Am I unreasonable to say to him he'll have to have our son for pat of the weekend at least? Nevermind my illness, it's crap for a 2 year old stuck in with me as I can't take him anywhere or meet anyone.

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 07/04/2022 20:18

Ah, sorry, I made assumptions OP.
Thinking a bit more about the financial side of things. The reason you're not earning much is because you've reduced your hours to 'pay' (by doing it) for the childcare that is both your responsibility.
If you went back full time, there would be a childcare bill that he would have to pay at least 50% of.

I would suggest to him that he lives at his dad's empty property but continues to pay the rent on your place. If he won't, you'll have to go back to work full time to pay the rent and he'll have to have your DC 50% of the time and pay 50% of their full time childcare fees, which will be £££. That's the choice he's facing.

I don't often say LTB, but honestly, this guy is just a low-grade shit who will suck your brief life up. We only get one.

Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 21:31

He's just left. I said he's going to have to help over the weekend and he said 'why, you're better'. He knows this is day 7 I've not managed to eat and knows I'm constantly lightheaded. He's having his eldest child this week and said 'ill have to cancel having *Bob' I asked why can't he have his 2 children together and he said fine 'will you drive to me Saturday' it's a 40 minutes drive and I'm dizzy. So I said no, I won't drive him to you if I don't feel safe. Apparently he doesn't get why I can't have him and this weekend is like any other.
I reminded him I'm ill and we have a very busy and constant toddler up from 730am-10pm and regardless of how ill I feel, I shouldn't even be taking him out anywhere as I can't risk infecting others. Don't even have any bread in the house.
He's packed up Xbox and gone. His eldest is never bothered about seeing him and they'll both sit on Xboxes in separate rooms whilst I'm here struggling.
Wow. Lucky woman me.

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 08/04/2022 00:45

The reason he has to have the dc isn't because you're ill. It's because half of their care is his responsibility.

Don't make this about your illness.

Though obviously anyone but a cunt would go above and beyond their 50% share when their partner was ill.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 08/04/2022 06:18

It's shit being ill with a toddler - 1st hand experience, single parent here.

Can you get a shopping delivery?
Anything in the freezer to cobble some weird meals together?

If not, you will have to go to the nearest Tesco express and grab some stuff, regardless of isolation.

Spread a blanket out on the floor, paper, pens etc and try and occupy toddler with that and CBeebies on loop.

You need to eat something, you're doing yourself no favours otherwise

You also need to stop relying on him and expecting help. He's a waste of space.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 08/04/2022 07:43

Hope you're feeling mentally and physically a bit stronger after a nights' sleep.

Do you have a friend nearby who would pop to the shops for you if you need food?

Illwithdisappointment · 08/04/2022 08:17

Thanks all. I managed to do an line food shop with Iceland (didn't know they still exists) but it's arriving today. A week of not eating has taken its toll. I woke in the night dizzy with palpitations. I'm really lightheaded and I've now got to drive my son to school with a toddler. I'm dreading today.

OP posts:
Illwithdisappointment · 08/04/2022 08:17

Please excuse typos

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/04/2022 09:42

Please reach out to your local friends for help and support. Tell them he has left and you are still unwell.

Ensure you get onto UC and CMS today as they don't back date claims.

Thanks
AryaStarkWolf · 08/04/2022 09:56

Hopefully once you eat and start feeling better you'll be able to handle all this better OP. This guy is no good for you, you need to see what you're entitled to and keep him gone.

Illwithdisappointment · 08/04/2022 10:03

Thank you, I shall have a look today. I just don't know what to do about a house. There is no way that UC will keep in in a £1400 per month rental and there are no houses around!

OP posts:
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