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Original poster

Annoyed partner. My fault?

207 replies

Illwithdisappointment · 05/04/2022 09:38

Try and keep it short.
Partners birthday today. Have a 3 year old and have had one night out since he was born due to Covid/family living far away.

Booked us a trip away to tell him about today. I booked in Jan, spent absolutely ages looking and spent way more than I wanted but figured it's worth it because we never do anything.

It's 3 nights away and my mum is babysitting. Luxury lodge overlooking a lake with our own hot tub. I had big plans in my head that it would be romantic, we'd go on day trips etc. I couldn't wait to tell him.

Partner due to go out Saturday just gone but I tested positive for Covid. I've been really ill and still am, struggling to breathe and not eaten in 4 days, chest pain etc. He cancelled his night out and they rearranged. I would like to point out that it was just some drinks in the pub, nothing special as such. They rearranged, aprtner told me the date and I said ok. I later realised it was same date as our holiday. I thought about texting his friend to tell him that my partner wouldn't be available during that date. However and this is important to note ...they NEVER make plans in advance, it's literally a few days before and the trip is 7 weeks away. I decided I would just tell my partner on his birthday about our trip and they would rearrange the night out (as it was only 3 days between them rearranging night out and partners birthday). Maybe I should have told my partner about the trip early and inmade the wrong decision but I didn't think it'd be an issue and I've been so unwell all weekend.

Anyway, his birthday is today and just before i mentioned the holiday he says how great this night out will be as lots are able to make it this time. My heart sinks already knowing he'll be disappointed because he'll have to come away with me instead.

I had booked this so long ago and had in my head how excited we would be about finally going away. Maybe that's my issue.

Anyway, his reaction to me booking a holiday for us was basically 'but I've made plans with my friends now'. He got angry and basically told me I should have told him the date. I apologised and said that he always tells me his friends make plans last minute and that it was only 3 days earlier they had rearranged and I wanted to present his gift on his birthday. He started shouted that I had lied to him. I said I hadn't lied but not wanted to spoil the surprise but he kept shouting that I'd lied and now he'd have to cancel. He did suggest rearranging the holiday but I can't, I've paid most of it, my mum and stepdad have taken time off work and toot was really expensive and the other dates that month are around £150 more. I ended up in tears and told him I'll cancel and he said no he'll just have to cancel all the plans he made with his friends and I shouldn't have lied.

I'm sat upstairs in tears. Maybe overemotional because I placed too much emphasis on this trip away and had built it up in my mind for so long. Also because I'm so ill, not eaten in 4 days and I'm in pain.

I'm locked away on the bedroom crying and he's downstairs telling our toddler his birthday is ruined.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 05/04/2022 18:56

Although @Herejustforthisone said it far better.

Nietzschethehiker · 05/04/2022 18:59

He is very clearly an arse. His behaviour is unacceptable. That's inherently the issue.

I think the issue has been confused by the details of the trip when it's about how he thinks its OK to speak to you.

In my relationship the messing around and secrecy about dates (an adult birthday doesn't need to be a surprise ) and in all honesty the keeping information to yourself on several occasions would be a real problem in my house, however that's in a balanced household. In a healthy relationship I'm afraid I would argue that you created a pretty stupid situation for no reason by not sharing sensible information. It would certainly get a response but not a nasty one, there would be a clear discussion about not buggering around with dates for a "surprise " for an adult when you knew things were being booked in.

However that's in a healthy relationship, the way he speaks to you suggests it's not and he's a giant man baby so this isn't about what you did or it do his reaction isn't ok. You are trying to look at this as a healthy balanced debate but if he is behaving like that, that's the issue not the trip.

To be fair if you felt on several occasions you couldn't cope with his reaction when you heard it being double booked that tells you everything. You should not be afraid of your partners reaction.

Original poster
Illwithdisappointment · 05/04/2022 19:04

Again, I'm getting that u shouldn't have done a surprise trip. I will apologise for this, I thought I was doing something nice an she always said he wanted us to go away together. The surprise element would have generally been appreciated but he's annoyed by the dates but I've apologised several times.
He hasn't even asked where we are going, or thank you, or how nice.
Literally just moaned I've not got him a gift.

He's trying to talk to me normal and it fucks me off more. This is how it goes. He talks to me like crap, tells me I'm nuts and pathetic and then I'm meant to carry on as normal.

I called my mum upset which was a mistake because she hates him.

I can't go anywhere because I'm so unwell at the moment.

He's playing computer games now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Illwithdisappointment · 05/04/2022 19:05

Sorry if my message seems incoherent. My head is now pounding

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/04/2022 19:05

You have been so ill you were nearly admitted to hospital a couple of days ago, you've arranged and paid for a £700 holiday and all he can do is complain about no card, having to rearrange a piss up with his mates and shouted out you.

Yep as you said it's the tip of the iceberg.

Have you a friend that can go away with you instead? Or DS can have the weekend with his Dad and take your Mum!

Thanks
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 05/04/2022 19:09

Don’t you apologise for him being a stroppy arse. You are poorly and he is too busy being a bairn and having a mantrum to take that into account.

Give the holiday to your folks if you are too unwell to go. Or go with your folks, let them look after you and he can man up and look after his bairn.

But don’t apologise for being lovely enough to plan what he has whined about.

Original poster
Illwithdisappointment · 05/04/2022 19:12

Thanks all. The holiday is 7 weeks away so plenty of time yet. I told him I don't want to go with anymore and he got shitty with me. However he has said nothing positive and not asked me anything about the holiday. He literally does not give a shit and I've had enough of the selfish arse.

OP posts:
Cactusandmarshmallows · 05/04/2022 19:14

How hard. He’s not being kind to you at all. But I also think you really booked the trip for you rather than him. Having said that I see why you’re upset

tempester28 · 05/04/2022 19:19

I would go on my own and let him meet you the next day

Clymene · 05/04/2022 19:19

He doesn't want to go away with you. He's made that pretty bloody clear.

I'm sorry, I think your relationship is dead in the water. Can you go with your mum and dad or a mate or something instead?

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2022 19:20

I think you first of all need to focus on getting well.

Then stop apologising - you have done nothing wrong. It sounds thougtful.

Then once better I think its over for you and you need to start sorting it out. Can you take your child and your Mum on holiday instead

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 05/04/2022 19:27

I'd ask your mum to collect you and DC, if possible, dump the £700 and dump the massive shit of a 'DP', and live happily ever after.

You can stay and sacrifice your happiness, sanity, thousands of pounds of unpaid labour and your dignity - and probably your DC's childhood.

Or you can write off £700 and fuck off into the sunset to start again whith your entire life ahead of you.

KosherDill · 05/04/2022 20:10

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove

he's downstairs telling our toddler his birthday is ruined

He's a massive arsehole just for this.

Exactly this.

Stop even contemplating an apology to him. He sounds like a selfish, immature prick. Ponder your future.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/04/2022 21:46

So he's not leaving then?

That is a shame because you would be better off without him

needmorethanthis · 05/04/2022 22:20

I’ll come with you. Sounds lovely, I wish someone would book something like that for me!! The pub comes before you. Take your 3 year old and enjoy or another family member. Go without him. Leave child with in laws as planned.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/04/2022 23:17

Take your son and make some lovely memories together

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/04/2022 08:46

He's trying to talk to me normal and it fucks me off more. This is how it goes. He talks to me like crap, tells me I'm nuts and pathetic and then I'm meant to carry on as normal.

You'd be happier if you left him, I reckon.

Can I suggest you stop apologising? You're doing it to attempt to placate him rather than because you think twenty apologies are necessary for not reading his mind! Wink

I think you might be in a rut of putting up with whatever you need to for the sake of an easy/manageable live. Can you see yourself taking him on the holiday eventually, and quietly seething as he either (a) enjoys it while somehow ensuring you don't or (b) ruins it for the both of you?

SpitSpatSpot · 06/04/2022 09:09

Wow, OP - I hope you’re okay, it sounds like you’ve had a really rough few days 💐
You had a lovely idea, and I can tell the trip means a lot to you. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound as though your partner has the same feelings or priorities.

Bjarnum · 06/04/2022 10:15

Stop apologising!! He has no respect for you and grovelling makes it worse. Change the power dynamic and take control. Don't take him away, take someone else and enjoy the break. Stop running round trying to please him. You are on a hiding to nothing. You deserve better. A lot better

TurquoiseDragon · 06/04/2022 10:31

Having read all the posts, I think you should ditch this bloke, OP.

He's putting his mates ahead of you, he's dragging your toddler into the arguments, he shouts at you, is a misogynistic cunt who can't be arsed to parent, and I reckon the list will go on.

It won't get better, not with people like this. Save yourself now, being a single parent can be hard, but you'll feel so much better not having him around all the time.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/04/2022 10:33

You definitely should have told him as soon as you realised the dates clashed HOWEVER his reaction is ridiculously out of order and ungrateful

AryaStarkWolf · 06/04/2022 10:35

@Illwithdisappointment

Thanks all. The holiday is 7 weeks away so plenty of time yet. I told him I don't want to go with anymore and he got shitty with me. However he has said nothing positive and not asked me anything about the holiday. He literally does not give a shit and I've had enough of the selfish arse.
He sounds like an absolute cunt OP .....to be blunt.
ineedanewbum · 06/04/2022 10:55

He is an absolute dick. I don't know what other posters are on about that you should have told him the date. Its a bloody birthday surprise!! He's planned a normal mates night out it's nothing special as he has them all the time. You planned something gorgeous for him. Tell him fuck off and go on the holiday with a friend and leave him to his mates. I honestly don't think I would stay with someone who clearly has no time for me but that's your own decision. Again, he is nothing more than an absolute dick! Tell him grow up or fuck off and live with his mates as he clearly has more respect for them and prefers them.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/04/2022 10:58

@ineedanewbum

He is an absolute dick. I don't know what other posters are on about that you should have told him the date. Its a bloody birthday surprise!! He's planned a normal mates night out it's nothing special as he has them all the time. You planned something gorgeous for him. Tell him fuck off and go on the holiday with a friend and leave him to his mates. I honestly don't think I would stay with someone who clearly has no time for me but that's your own decision. Again, he is nothing more than an absolute dick! Tell him grow up or fuck off and live with his mates as he clearly has more respect for them and prefers them.
I think she should have told him the date when she knew he was double booking himself but that doesn't mean I think his reaction wasn't disgusting and absolutely over the top
TedMullins · 06/04/2022 11:22

You’ve done nothing wrong at all except booking something nice for a cunt who doesn’t deserve it. And others on here saying they’d react badly to a surprise need to get over themselves because that’s a completely dickish reaction to someone doing something nice for you. Leave him, he’s clearly a selfish and uncaring waste of space who doesn’t value or even like you. Your life will be infinitely better without his put downs.