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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Annoyed partner. My fault?

207 replies

Illwithdisappointment · 05/04/2022 09:38

Try and keep it short.
Partners birthday today. Have a 3 year old and have had one night out since he was born due to Covid/family living far away.

Booked us a trip away to tell him about today. I booked in Jan, spent absolutely ages looking and spent way more than I wanted but figured it's worth it because we never do anything.

It's 3 nights away and my mum is babysitting. Luxury lodge overlooking a lake with our own hot tub. I had big plans in my head that it would be romantic, we'd go on day trips etc. I couldn't wait to tell him.

Partner due to go out Saturday just gone but I tested positive for Covid. I've been really ill and still am, struggling to breathe and not eaten in 4 days, chest pain etc. He cancelled his night out and they rearranged. I would like to point out that it was just some drinks in the pub, nothing special as such. They rearranged, aprtner told me the date and I said ok. I later realised it was same date as our holiday. I thought about texting his friend to tell him that my partner wouldn't be available during that date. However and this is important to note ...they NEVER make plans in advance, it's literally a few days before and the trip is 7 weeks away. I decided I would just tell my partner on his birthday about our trip and they would rearrange the night out (as it was only 3 days between them rearranging night out and partners birthday). Maybe I should have told my partner about the trip early and inmade the wrong decision but I didn't think it'd be an issue and I've been so unwell all weekend.

Anyway, his birthday is today and just before i mentioned the holiday he says how great this night out will be as lots are able to make it this time. My heart sinks already knowing he'll be disappointed because he'll have to come away with me instead.

I had booked this so long ago and had in my head how excited we would be about finally going away. Maybe that's my issue.

Anyway, his reaction to me booking a holiday for us was basically 'but I've made plans with my friends now'. He got angry and basically told me I should have told him the date. I apologised and said that he always tells me his friends make plans last minute and that it was only 3 days earlier they had rearranged and I wanted to present his gift on his birthday. He started shouted that I had lied to him. I said I hadn't lied but not wanted to spoil the surprise but he kept shouting that I'd lied and now he'd have to cancel. He did suggest rearranging the holiday but I can't, I've paid most of it, my mum and stepdad have taken time off work and toot was really expensive and the other dates that month are around £150 more. I ended up in tears and told him I'll cancel and he said no he'll just have to cancel all the plans he made with his friends and I shouldn't have lied.

I'm sat upstairs in tears. Maybe overemotional because I placed too much emphasis on this trip away and had built it up in my mind for so long. Also because I'm so ill, not eaten in 4 days and I'm in pain.

I'm locked away on the bedroom crying and he's downstairs telling our toddler his birthday is ruined.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/04/2022 10:42

@Illwithdisappointment

I sometimes think I've wasted the best years of my life with a complete nasty waste of space bully.
this

Maybe I shouldn't be with a man 20 years older who isn't even nice to me.

And this are true.

You have. Look at this instance. Nothing you can do or say is appeasing him - he is constantly at you who is ill. Everything is your fault.

You seem to have a supportive mum and Step Dad - please get out while you can

WhenPushComesToShove · 07/04/2022 11:29

You are worth more than this. I don't get why you stay for more of his crap; you are clearly extremely unhappy with him. Free yourself

LuaDipa · 07/04/2022 14:49

Surprise or no surprise he’s horrible. You don’t need to live like this.

Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 15:14

I'm an idiot. I hate myself. I knew I couldn't go with him on that date so I've rearranged for the following week and paid an extra 200. He's still blaming me for messing up. My mum has agreed to rearrange and babysit bit she hates him. It's all a mess and I don't know I can carry on.

OP posts:
Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 15:15

Basically said I was selfish booking because it's his birthday not mine and I didn't even ask him.
He's always saying he wants to go away and usually gets an Xbox game and a top for his birthday. I bought a luxury lodge with private hot tub on a lake!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/04/2022 15:21

Why have you done that OP? Seriously man, raise the bar a bit. He's a cunt, he doesn't deserve being taken away on holiday.

He's done a right number on you, there will be a reason hour mother hates him.

JackieQueen · 07/04/2022 15:22

Please don't hate yourself op, you've done nothing wrong! You tried to do a nice thing and he's thrown it back at you. Don't bother next time Flowers

RantyAunty · 07/04/2022 16:05

He's sounds horrible.

What does he do for your birthday or Christmas?

Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 16:22

Do you know what though this could have all been avoided.

He could have said

"Thank you *Lisa for the lovely gift. It's such a shame it clashes with my night out because some friends I haven't seen in ages are coming. Is there anyway the date can be moved'

That would have literally been fine. But he's shouted, sworn at me. Told me im selfish booking time away called me mental.

I can't forgive this. I've rearranged but I'm not sure he's coming.

OP posts:
Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 16:24

@rantyaunty nothing amazing. He'll ask what I was because he can't be arsed to choose and buy it. Never a gift like a trip away or anything thoughtful.

OP posts:
Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 16:24

*want

And I'm literally ready for collapse as I've not eaten in 6 days.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 07/04/2022 16:27

Why do you hate yourself? At worst, you've made a mistake. Why is self hate so accessible to you? This is what keeps you in a relationship. How could you expect anybody else to treat you nicely, if you think you are so worthy of being hated?

Watchkeys · 07/04/2022 16:29

@Illwithdisappointment

*want

And I'm literally ready for collapse as I've not eaten in 6 days.

This is your choice, OP. He's not starving you. I know it's hard, but this very basic level of looking after yourself is something you must take responsibility for.

How's your little one? Is she with you?

midlifecrash · 07/04/2022 16:32

If I was your mum I would hate him too. He sounds a childish little dick wanking on about getting a birthday card

StampOnTheGround · 07/04/2022 16:43

Why have you rearranged and paid more? It's a pub night out, he sounds like a pathetic man child.

Leave him or you'll be stuck forever feeling like this, you had nothing to apologise for.

RandomMess · 07/04/2022 16:47

He has treated you like shit because he knows it works.

You've rolled over and done what he wants and he will still be vile to you. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Please make your plans to end the relationship and leave.

Thanks
stillvicarinatutu · 07/04/2022 16:47

Op why do you keep apologising and bowing and scraping to this man like this ?

You need to really talk to someone about this - he's got you on your knees and trust me I've been right where you are now . Leaving was the hardest thing ever but now I'm alone I'm free , I don't have to cowtow to anyone and it feels good.

Please take a step back . He doesn't deserve this lovely gesture . He deserves fuck all since he's telling your toddler his birthday is ruined let it be .

You're mad if you keep rearranging everything around him - he is not someone by the sound of it who is ever going to be pleased by anything you do .

WinterDeWinter · 07/04/2022 16:55

You are right, this man is a nasty waste of space and a bully. He'll be a bad dad in one way or another, and your kids will get a warped idea of what a relationship should be like and the cycle will continue. Tell him that and start making plans to leave.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 07/04/2022 17:00

When you're a bit better please read 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft, I think it could help you. You probably already know deep down that there is nothing you could do or say that will magically make your partner be kind to you. No gifts, or apologies, or explanations, or anything will ever turn him into the man you want him to be. You and your little one deserve so much better Flowers

Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 17:06

@Watchkeys no he's not making me starve I have Covid. I have chest pain/oesophagus issues and I can't swallow. I can barely drink either.

Anyway he's going tonight. After I rearranged the holiday he was trying to talk to me as normal. It infuriated me that now he's got what he wants he thinks all is ok.

He can't believe what my issue is. Says it's all my fault and I messed up and haven't even apologised (how many times can one person say sorry). I've said that me mixing up a date does not mean I deserved being shouted and he could have just asked nicely to rearrange. Literally all this vitriol was because he couldn't go on his night about and he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, it's all my fault.

He's leaving in an hour. I've got Covid and on my own with 2 kids, so great timing.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/04/2022 17:21

Leaving to go where?

Night out or moving out?

Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 17:29

He's going back to his father's house that he used to live in before moving in with me. His dad lives abroad. He's obsessed with that house and would still be there now if we hadn't have had a child.

I can barely walk straight at the moment, so being left with a 2 year old will be fun. I'm assuming it's ok now to go shopping etc now when Covid positive? I've nobody to ask for help really. My family are 100 miles away and my mum and brother currently have Covid too and poorly.

OP posts:
Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 17:32

Oh but him leaving tonight coincides with the fact he will have arranged a night in the pub with his friend (he usually does this every other Thursday). He didn't think he could initially leave me with our son as I'm so unwell but this is great timing for him to leave.
My eldest will be back from his dad's soon..I've no idea how I'm meant to hold it together. I'm devastated. 5 year relationship done.
I'm going to be homeless.

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 07/04/2022 17:35

Let him go. Good riddance. Honestly, your life will be so MUCH better without him and if he has a house he can go to then that;s the main thing resolved in terms of the financial implications of splitting.

Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 17:39

@winterdewinter we rent a house together. He pays rent and I pay bills. The rent is £1400. I work part time and reduced my hours for childcare. I have absolutely nowhere to go and no money. Rentals around here are impossible. Just looked and there is nothing within a 20.mile radius and I have no money anyway.

OP posts: