Annoyed partner. My fault?

[Illwithdisappointment]

Try and keep it short.
Partners birthday today. Have a 3 year old and have had one night out since he was born due to Covid/family living far away.

Booked us a trip away to tell him about today. I booked in Jan, spent absolutely ages looking and spent way more than I wanted but figured it's worth it because we never do anything.

It's 3 nights away and my mum is babysitting. Luxury lodge overlooking a lake with our own hot tub. I had big plans in my head that it would be romantic, we'd go on day trips etc. I couldn't wait to tell him.

Partner due to go out Saturday just gone but I tested positive for Covid. I've been really ill and still am, struggling to breathe and not eaten in 4 days, chest pain etc. He cancelled his night out and they rearranged. I would like to point out that it was just some drinks in the pub, nothing special as such. They rearranged, aprtner told me the date and I said ok. I later realised it was same date as our holiday. I thought about texting his friend to tell him that my partner wouldn't be available during that date. However and this is important to note ...they NEVER make plans in advance, it's literally a few days before and the trip is 7 weeks away. I decided I would just tell my partner on his birthday about our trip and they would rearrange the night out (as it was only 3 days between them rearranging night out and partners birthday). Maybe I should have told my partner about the trip early and inmade the wrong decision but I didn't think it'd be an issue and I've been so unwell all weekend.

Anyway, his birthday is today and just before i mentioned the holiday he says how great this night out will be as lots are able to make it this time. My heart sinks already knowing he'll be disappointed because he'll have to come away with me instead.

I had booked this so long ago and had in my head how excited we would be about finally going away. Maybe that's my issue.

Anyway, his reaction to me booking a holiday for us was basically 'but I've made plans with my friends now'. He got angry and basically told me I should have told him the date. I apologised and said that he always tells me his friends make plans last minute and that it was only 3 days earlier they had rearranged and I wanted to present his gift on his birthday. He started shouted that I had lied to him. I said I hadn't lied but not wanted to spoil the surprise but he kept shouting that I'd lied and now he'd have to cancel. He did suggest rearranging the holiday but I can't, I've paid most of it, my mum and stepdad have taken time off work and toot was really expensive and the other dates that month are around £150 more. I ended up in tears and told him I'll cancel and he said no he'll just have to cancel all the plans he made with his friends and I shouldn't have lied.

I'm sat upstairs in tears. Maybe overemotional because I placed too much emphasis on this trip away and had built it up in my mind for so long. Also because I'm so ill, not eaten in 4 days and I'm in pain.

I'm locked away on the bedroom crying and he's downstairs telling our toddler his birthday is ruined.

You will get something towards it. Speak to your council local housing officer, get your name on their list.

Call Shelter for advice they are the experts.

He sent me a text apologising this morning but to me it's a shit half arsed attempt.
Something along the lines of...
"I've been thinking of how I upset you,. Sorry my response seemed ungrateful. I'll make it up to you. I'll take you on a shopping trip to make it up to you and buy you something nice"
🤮 Honestly. Dick. He didn't seem ungrateful he was ungrateful.and selfish and nasty and cruel. As of I want a shopping trip to make up for it!
I've basically sent him a reply back reminded him of what he said and why it's upset me. I literally cannot believe he didn't just ask to rearrange instead of a the shouting and telling me I was selfish Booking him a trip. All I wanted was us to have some quality time together and he shat all over it.
I told him I don't want to talk to him and I don't want him to come back.
I'm not reading his messages as they stress me but the first line of his message popped up and said "I can't remember what my response was...'
He can never remember. Every. Single. Time.
What's the point.

Oh he remembers just fine OP.

The trouble is, what he also remembers is that you tie yourself up in knots trying to appease, please and placate him after he has been nasty to you.

He has learned that his method of being a dick, being nasty when you're upset, making you think he'll break up with you etc works. That it keeps you right where he wants you - insecure in the relationship, desperate for his approval and compliant with his demands.

So show him that's not going to fly. End this relationship. It's so, so unhealthy, it's making you unhappy and unwell, it's incredibly bad relationship modelling for your child and it's not going to change because this is just the kind of person he is. Nasty.

Sometimes people are just dicks. Unfortunately he is one of them. That doesn't mean you should write off the rest of your life just because you backed the wrong horse,

End the relationship. It would be madness to continue it.

I would tell him he needs to take his DS out Saturday and Sunday as you are still unwell.

@youvegottenminuteslynn everything you have said is so true. I'm so annoyed. I've poured my heart out and his response is he doesn't remember. This is how it always goes. He tries to carry on as normal, nothings resolved and so I'm still upset. When I'm still upset he tells me I need to go to my GP and get medication and also see a counsellor for my mental health issues. He then says don't worry, I'm patient, I'll wait for you to get better.

If he can't even acknowledge how much he's upset me then we won't get anywhere.
I have always loved him. I have put up with so, so muxh worse than this. This is the first time I genuinely don't want him here. He's really upset me.

@randommess I initially said he would have to have our son. He since said he would be I really don't want to see him or talk to him, I'd rather struggle.

At the moment he knows he has gone too far so Mr Nice guy will appear until you have relented then Mr Selfish Nasty Arse will reappear.

See how he wants to smooth it over and still go away now he's got what he wants?

I would be furious. I would hate the lack of control in a situation like this but then my partner would know never to book a surprise for me as I really dislike them. You should have told him the dates ASAP.

@RandomMess I completely agree. As soon as I said I'd rearrange the date he was chatting away to me again and said 'all sorted'. That's what annoyed me. In honestly if the holiday hadn't clashed with his night out he would have been pleased I had booked. The whole anger was because he wanted to go on his night out and he couldn't communicate that nicely. It also upsets me that after nearly 4 years of us not having a night out, he'd rather go out with his friends.

He has well and truly shown how little you mean to him.

Seems like you are there to be keep house, look after DS, provide sex and nothing else. Oh and you work so you pay your way financially too. Basically a cheap nanny and housekeeper.

Argh!!!
This is so hard. My DS has been a nightmare today, hitting me, shouting no, throwing things and jumping around the furniture. It's as if he can sense that I'm both ill and my life has ended.

His dad text me this morning asking should we meet with the kids for a walk outside and I said no, I didn't want to see him or speak to him.

I'm locked away in my room in tears. It's so, so hard. Why wasn't I good enough. I still can't get over how he spoke to me and I'm so gutted he put a night out before us going away. The worse thing is I know he doesn't even care. He'll have put more effort into rearranging his night out than trying to actually save our relationship. I know he will come back tomorrow after he's taken his eldest son back to his mum's. He'll expect me to be normal and when I'm not, he will say I have issues and am mentally ill.

I just can't cope.

All I wanted was for him to love me.

Ironically his birthday card has finally arrived!! 4 days late. I should contact Moonpig customer service and tell them that their rubbish service caused my partner shouting at me about a lack of card whilst I was ill with Covid and struging to breathe!

OP, @RandomMess is as usual bang on the money.

This is really difficult for you and I really feel for you.

The hard truth is that you know well who he is and this is your life until you make better choices and accept you cannot change this user.

The brutal reality of life that most people realise this too late and regret that the penny didn't drop earlier.

This happens in life for most people about something.

The older we get, the more we just get, understand.

The only person who can make your life better is you, by making better choices.

Late 50's here. I have learnt this.
So many posters have too.

You deserve better.

Please don't let him back in, this man is emotionally abusive to you and your DC because of how he treats you in front of them.

His treatment of you is abhorrent and you are so worn down by it you can't even get angry enough to know and believe that you deserve better.

Have you read the Lundy book "why does he do that?" You can download it. He wants you back in your put up and shut up box and he will say and do whatever to achieve that.

It isn't MOONPIG's fault he is abusive and vile. The card was an excuse to berate you he would have used something else instead.

He's a cunt.

Have a nice time on your break.

Without him.

You don't have to act as though nothing's happened.

Got a spare room to put him in? Send him out with the toddler while you get better. Pretend he's back for good if you can, but make your plans, slowly and quietly, for a good future without him.

@billy1966 thank you so much. I wonder sometimes what my life will look like when I'm 50 and he's nearly 70, will all this have been worth it.
I just hate myself. I know I'm pathetic and I can't fathom why I have let myself be treated this way and the thought of loosing him devastates me.

This is what abuse does to you the game of love bombing and discarding makes you addicted to their approval and you mistake those feelings for love.

Please read that book, speak to woman's aid because you need help to end this damaging relationship.

Thank you to those that have replied. I missed the first few new responses what I was typing.
I haven't read the book but will have a look and see if I can get it as an e book on my phone, thank you all for the suggestions.

Although I feel devastated, ill and my son has been extremely testing, I do also feel more relaxed when he's not here.

There is no way we can move forward if he can't even acknowledge his behaviour and the fact he's upset me so much. I'm dreading him coming back tomorrow, he'll be angry with me because I'm still upset and I'm already anxious about it.
And still. All I want is for him to huge me mad tell me he loves me.

I honestly can't even think of anything positive he brings to my life. I know without him at present I'll be homeless but that doesn't make him unique.

He's 20 years older, drinks every day, a bully, sexist, rude, gaslights, nasty, lies in every day for hours, stays up until 2am on Xbox, can't be ready to leave the house before 1pm, does absolutely no housework and I don't feel respected, valued or loved. In fact I think he resents me.
He said he was looking to date a younger woman because he wanted more kids (met when he was 47) but he's not cut out for family life. He's too selfish. I'm fed up of the constant excuse of "I'm an old man nad you're young" as a way to get out of doing anything.

I've just ordered the book from Amazon and will start it once the children are in bed. Thank you for the suggestion.

Also, I wasn't really going to blame Moonpig. It obviously isn't their fault my partner shouts at me.

Please do not consider moving forward even if he apologises because he is deeply misogynistic and abusive. Any apology would be said without meaning just for the whole abuse cycle to carry on again.

You need to get your ducks lined up, work a way out of this sorry mess. Please don't do anything to make it easier for him to stay. Just work on getting rid of his sorry arse. Life will be easier. It really will.

Sorry I’m so late to the thread op, but I just wanted to say that he is an ungrateful bastard and I hope how he has reacted and treated you over this will finally give you the motivation to leave him!! He doesn’t deserve you or the holiday! My partner would have dropped his mates in a heartbeat if I’d done this for him.. I hope you’re feeling a bit better now and find the strength to do what you know you need to

He's 20 years older, drinks every day, a bully, sexist, rude, gaslights, nasty, lies in every day for hours, stays up until 2am on Xbox, can't be ready to leave the house before 1pm, does absolutely no housework and I don't feel respected, valued or loved. In fact I think he resents me

Sweetheart, read your own words. You're scared of losing him? Losing THIS?!!!
You also said you're anxious about him coming back, and feel more relaxed when he's not there.
What would you actually be losing?!

@Illwithdisappointment, so you were 27 when you met him so only 32 now? Don't waste anymore time on him.

I suspect his preference for children meant he knew it would make a new, younger partner feel tied to him.

His anger/rage is likely to come from control issues. You booking something independently reduces his sense of control. I'm not one for surprises but most non controlling types don't react aggressively, they would just point out it's double booked and seek solutions.

Not surprising he hasn't been kind when you are ill. Again very typical of his type. By being ill you are in his mind trying to put your needs ahead of his.He won't be able to cope with this.

Please talk openly with your mum. She seems to have had good instincts about him. There will be a solution to housing so when you feel strong enough look online or call the CAB.

He's 20 years older, drinks every day, a bully, sexist, rude, gaslights, nasty, lies in every day for hours, stays up until 2am on Xbox, can't be ready to leave the house before 1pm, does absolutely no housework and I don't feel respected, valued or loved

I'm seeing red at this. Op, there are better men than this. Being alone is better than this. He sounds like a horrible person. Get rid of him. He sounds like a disgusting excuse for a human being.

Thank you again all for your support.
I'm feeling sick today.
He would usuay be back today and I still have no idea if he's coming. I know if he comes back he will expect me to be normal with him and when I'm not, I'll be the one with the issue.
Yesterday I told him I didn't want to meet up with him as I didn't want to see or talk to him, he messaged back but I didn't read it. I could see it was brief though. He hasn't even tried to acknowledge my feelings.
I'm also resentful that he f*ed off when he knew I was dizzy and hadn't eaten in a week and was happy to let me drive around our child (as I had to take eldest to school). He will have spent the weekend on Xbox, until at least 2am and spent all morning I'm bed.
Toddler still been grumpy but he's quite snotty and just said he's very hot. Checked his temp and he definitely has a temperature. Probably caught my Covid. It would be a miracle if he hadn't, he's constantly all over me. You'd have thought his dad would have taken him to minimise risk, but there you go. Him having a weekend doing 'f' all is more important.

He's working tonight at 7.30 (from home) so if he's not back by then, presumably he's not coming back.