Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Annoyed partner. My fault?

207 replies

Illwithdisappointment · 05/04/2022 09:38

Try and keep it short.
Partners birthday today. Have a 3 year old and have had one night out since he was born due to Covid/family living far away.

Booked us a trip away to tell him about today. I booked in Jan, spent absolutely ages looking and spent way more than I wanted but figured it's worth it because we never do anything.

It's 3 nights away and my mum is babysitting. Luxury lodge overlooking a lake with our own hot tub. I had big plans in my head that it would be romantic, we'd go on day trips etc. I couldn't wait to tell him.

Partner due to go out Saturday just gone but I tested positive for Covid. I've been really ill and still am, struggling to breathe and not eaten in 4 days, chest pain etc. He cancelled his night out and they rearranged. I would like to point out that it was just some drinks in the pub, nothing special as such. They rearranged, aprtner told me the date and I said ok. I later realised it was same date as our holiday. I thought about texting his friend to tell him that my partner wouldn't be available during that date. However and this is important to note ...they NEVER make plans in advance, it's literally a few days before and the trip is 7 weeks away. I decided I would just tell my partner on his birthday about our trip and they would rearrange the night out (as it was only 3 days between them rearranging night out and partners birthday). Maybe I should have told my partner about the trip early and inmade the wrong decision but I didn't think it'd be an issue and I've been so unwell all weekend.

Anyway, his birthday is today and just before i mentioned the holiday he says how great this night out will be as lots are able to make it this time. My heart sinks already knowing he'll be disappointed because he'll have to come away with me instead.

I had booked this so long ago and had in my head how excited we would be about finally going away. Maybe that's my issue.

Anyway, his reaction to me booking a holiday for us was basically 'but I've made plans with my friends now'. He got angry and basically told me I should have told him the date. I apologised and said that he always tells me his friends make plans last minute and that it was only 3 days earlier they had rearranged and I wanted to present his gift on his birthday. He started shouted that I had lied to him. I said I hadn't lied but not wanted to spoil the surprise but he kept shouting that I'd lied and now he'd have to cancel. He did suggest rearranging the holiday but I can't, I've paid most of it, my mum and stepdad have taken time off work and toot was really expensive and the other dates that month are around £150 more. I ended up in tears and told him I'll cancel and he said no he'll just have to cancel all the plans he made with his friends and I shouldn't have lied.

I'm sat upstairs in tears. Maybe overemotional because I placed too much emphasis on this trip away and had built it up in my mind for so long. Also because I'm so ill, not eaten in 4 days and I'm in pain.

I'm locked away on the bedroom crying and he's downstairs telling our toddler his birthday is ruined.

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 06/04/2022 12:48

He doesn’t deserve you. You did a nice thing and he could easily rearrange a lads night out - why was it arranged for 7 wks time? Just odd.

I would go with someone else as he obviously doesn’t appreciate you.

Illwithdisappointment · 06/04/2022 12:55

Just had him screaming at me again. I tried to explain that I felt upset because I'd put a lot of effort into us going away and was disappointed with his his reaction.
He started shouting at me that if ruined his night out and hadn't even apologised. I have probably said sorry about 30 times and said this but he won't listen.
He's said he will go with me but he hasn't said one positive thing about us going away and has so much anger towards me.

He then starts screaming I ruined his birthday, it's the worse birthday ever and it's all because of me.
I feel awful. I knew it wouldn't be great anyway because I'm ill, can't go out and can't eat at the moment but I tried my best.

I put banners up in the morning, got our son to make a card and wrote some sweet things in it and also told him to choose a computer game from DS (he usually asks for a game).

I immediately apologised that I hadn't got a card. I have ordered one a week ago from Moonpig but it hasn't arrived. We have huge postal issues here so I half expected it. On a Monday I take our son to sofe play and there is a card shop next door. My plan was to get balloons, new banners and cards if the others hadn't arrived. However I got Covid and have been poorly. The first thing I said to him was this and I apologised. Anyway I've had him shouting at me again that I didn't even bother to get him a card. I don't know how to reason with someone like him. I don't think my reasons for not having a card were unreasonable. I even contemplated driving out on a Monday to get one, despite feeling unsafe to drive and he told me not to drive. He argues moot points, such as me not apologising for ruining his night out (I have), me not getting a card (I explained), I didn't even get a gift (I got a holiday and a computer game). I also offered to cook him any meal or order him food as I can't eat.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/04/2022 12:59

Jesus Christ OP stop apologising to him and have a think about what's going on here. He sounds like an abusive, ungrateful piece of shit, you deserve much better

gamerchick · 06/04/2022 12:59

Seriously OP. Tell him to fuck off. Stop apologising, stop explaining yourself. He's an arsehole who is abusing you while you're ill. There's no excusing that.

PussInBin20 · 06/04/2022 13:08

Have my first LTB!

BookFiend4Life · 06/04/2022 13:55

Obviously go on the trip with your mom and baby and have a lovely time. Kick him out and keep the computer game for yourself. Write fuck you in his card when it arrives and send it to his new place.

Illwithdisappointment · 06/04/2022 13:57

Oh and because I was so upset yesterday I spoke to his brothers partner (get on with her really well and she is supportive). He said to me today 'i saw you say in the garden crying on the phone. I hope you were talking to a counsellor!'

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/04/2022 14:06

@Illwithdisappointment

Oh and because I was so upset yesterday I spoke to his brothers partner (get on with her really well and she is supportive). He said to me today 'i saw you say in the garden crying on the phone. I hope you were talking to a counsellor!'
What a nasty piece of shit! Are you really going to stay with this guy?
teraculum29 · 06/04/2022 14:18

OP, is there any chance of cancelling the holiday ? and get the refund?
He is showing his true colors and he is absolutely not worth of your effort.
With his behaviour I woudnt want to go with him anywhere.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/04/2022 15:43

Oh ffs OP, stop listening to him!

Stop feeling awful and start getting angry! You know he's being unreasonable - you keep listing the ways in which he is. You deserve better than this, but he's not going to change, so you'll have to change how you respond to him!

Hallmark1234 · 06/04/2022 16:48

You can't do right for doing wrong!

In his eyes anyway and the more you apologise the more he seems to take pleasure in rubbing your nose in it and upsetting you.

Honestly OP stop saying sorry, keep your thoughts to yourself and make plans to leave him. He's loving treating you badly and you deserve better.

Cancel the holiday, or try to sell it to someone else

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 06/04/2022 17:58

@Hallmark1234

You can't do right for doing wrong!

In his eyes anyway and the more you apologise the more he seems to take pleasure in rubbing your nose in it and upsetting you.

Honestly OP stop saying sorry, keep your thoughts to yourself and make plans to leave him. He's loving treating you badly and you deserve better.

Cancel the holiday, or try to sell it to someone else

Yes, this.
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 06/04/2022 18:43

OP

I think you need to really question why you think it is acceptable to be constantly treated like this.

Only you can decide whether you wish to carry on being treated like shit and screamed at. He clearly feels ok in doing this, and you are allowing him to.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 06/04/2022 18:44

That sounded harsher than intended

But seriously OP, I have never screamed in my partners face, and he wouldn't dream of doing so to me because neither of us is abusive to the other.

Does he scream in his mums face? His sister? His boss?

ErickBroch · 06/04/2022 19:40

Sorry I think he sounds awful. This has happened to me and DP before and we always just reschedule the easier thing... I have missed out on theatre etc even. Would never scream or make each other cry! I would consider just going with your mum or a friend.

Lostsoul91 · 06/04/2022 20:10

Jesus christ what a total dick. If I did that to my partner he would drop his pub drinks quicker than lightning and his friends would tell him what a lovely surprise and have fun and I would do the same.

At no point would anyone be screaming at anyone. And why does he need a card? This is all very bizarre.

I would LTB go! A lovely surprise should not be this stressful or upsetting

Illwithdisappointment · 06/04/2022 22:50

Thank you all. I think I'm overemotional at the moment but still really upset.
The trip is basically ruined because I can't go with someone who wants to be elsewhere.
I sent him a text to explain how I felt (so he wouldn't shout) and apologised for ruining his birthday. I explained the card situation again and apologised about the clash etc but said I felt him shouting at me and calling me a liar were extreme and not called for.

He basically thinks I'm crazy and overemotional and I ruined his birthday because I don't let things go. My feeling is that birthday or no birthday, he can't expect to shout at me, belittle me and shit on everything I have planned and then expect me to say nevermind let's continue your birthday celebrations.

He started going on that he misses his friends (I think some that can make the rearranged date he hasn't seen in a while), misses his dad (who chooses to live abroad) and his mum (who has passed away). He then starts on that I don't recognise mother's Day is hard for him. He literally tells me every year mother's Day is completely meaningless, his family had no interest in it and never celebrated it. However I'm supposed to know he cares about it. Incidentally he doesn't give a shit on father's Day that I've lost my father. It was the anniversary of of dad's death the weekend and he had planned a piss up (not that it matters but he hardly gives a shit about me). Anyway everything he does involves deflection.

He's also moaned that we have different ideas of fun and the idea of driving to go somewhere is hell...but...he doesn't even know where we are going or what we are doing. He hasn't asked! So that's nonsense. Also, if his friends text and offered a piss up weekend double the distance, he certainly wouldn't complain.

Presumably his only idea of fun is playing Xbox and getting drunk but mine isn't. Maybe I shouldn't be with a man 20 years older who isn't even nice to me.

OP posts:
Illwithdisappointment · 06/04/2022 22:52

I sometimes think I've wasted the best years of my life with a complete nasty waste of space bully.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 06/04/2022 23:10

@Illwithdisappointment

I sometimes think I've wasted the best years of my life with a complete nasty waste of space bully.

Well best not to waste any more then

Or keep apologising and keep being treated like scum

HumourReplacementTherapy · 06/04/2022 23:26

This is really upsetting to read OP. I really really hope you leave. He's a bully and I can't stand the thought of you apologising.

RandomMess · 06/04/2022 23:56

Please don't waste anymore of your life with him.

Thanks
TracyMosby · 07/04/2022 06:06

Maybe I shouldn't be with a man 20 years older who isn't even nice to me.
Well, yes of course you shouldnt.

Lostsoul91 · 07/04/2022 07:28

I wouldn't waste anymore time, he's now trying to manipulate the situation that it's still your fault because of mother's day etc he's not going to take any responsibility for his behaviour and actions it will be your fault.

My ex was like this, shagged someone else and it was my fault. Just leave, find someone who would appreciate your efforts

AryaStarkWolf · 07/04/2022 10:03

I'm sorry to read your update OP but what are you going to do about it? You don't have to have to stay with someone who treats you so badly you know

RaleighDurham · 07/04/2022 10:07

Well he sounds like a right peach.