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Original poster

How can I take it back?

177 replies

user12879982 · 04/04/2022 23:36

I've done a pretty awful thing.

DP and I have been together for four years, both mid 30s, we don't live together but I spend 95% of my time at his place since covid. A year ago he lost his dad in a short battle with cancer, they had a difficult relationship and he has been having therapy about it since as never really felt very loved by his parents who have both passed in recent years.

Generally we have a great relationship, lots of fun, love and laughter. We spent a Sunday a few weeks ago out with friends and took the Monday off work as we knew there would be lots of alcohol involved.

On our way home we had a disagreement and neither of us can remember what it was over, it was very petty but when we got in he was laughing at me during the argument, it's how he try's to get to me when we argue.

I stormed off and said 'at least my dad loves me'. I'm horrified by these words, disgusted I ever said them and immediately regretted it and hugged him while he cried saying I didn't mean it at all. We woke up the next day, discussed it and I again apologised profusely. We've spent the last few weeks carrying on as normal and it hasn't come up since.

Tonight he went for dinner with a friend and told his friend what I'd said, no surprise his friend was disgusted. He's come home and said he needs space from me and the words have cut him deeply and he doesn't know how he feels. I've gone to my house and he has said he will see me on Thursday.

I'm normally a loving, kind, caring and compassionate person and feel this was completely out of character of me. In fact he comments on how nice everyone says I am including himself.

Anything anyone can suggest for me to rectify this? I really didn't mean what I said and stupidly picked the one thing I knew would get to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
user12879982 · 04/04/2022 23:39

meant to say, i've NC as could be outing and I am mortified.

OP posts:
User310 · 04/04/2022 23:46

Not sure this can be rectified unfortunately. He may choose to forgive instead though. Just make sure you explain that in no way did you mean it and it was said to hurt. I’m not sure if that will make things much better but at least he can maybe stop thinking that the statement was meant as fact.

HellToTheNope · 04/04/2022 23:52

Sorry, but you'll never be able to take back what you said. Not something so absolutely cruel and horrible. He may be able to forgive you, but he will never forget.

I'd be asking myself why I ever said something so hurtful. Where did that level of contempt come from?

PoshPyjamas · 04/04/2022 23:54

You can't rectify it, because the reason it hurt so much is that it is the truth. Neither of you can change that.

When you say that you didn't mean it, I am not sure that is accurate. I think you did mean it (because it is true) but you now regret saying it.

Original poster
user12879982 · 04/04/2022 23:56

@PoshPyjamas

You can't rectify it, because the reason it hurt so much is that it is the truth. Neither of you can change that.

When you say that you didn't mean it, I am not sure that is accurate. I think you did mean it (because it is true) but you now regret saying it.

I'd say this is true, it is the truth. I think his parents loved him in a way because he was their son but they never showed him love. He was sent to boarding school for most of his childhood and there was never affection or love from them.

I said it to hurt him, because I knew it would hurt and at the time I wanted him to hurt because I was hurt but as soon as the words left my mouth I regretted it.

I just wish there was something I could do to make amends.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 05/04/2022 00:00

Wow, where did that nasty thought even come from!

Not much you can now do.

Briefly · 05/04/2022 00:02

Did you say it forgetting his position with his own dad? In a 'at least someone loves me' way?

Or were you pointing out that you had a dad and he didn't?

Original poster
user12879982 · 05/04/2022 00:03

@Briefly

Did you say it forgetting his position with his own dad? In a 'at least someone loves me' way?

Or were you pointing out that you had a dad and he didn't?

shamefully I was pointing out that his dad didn't really love him.
OP posts:
Original poster
user12879982 · 05/04/2022 00:04

@Loopytiles

Wow, where did that nasty thought even come from!

Not much you can now do.

I have no idea. No excuse but I was extremely intoxicated and it's not something I have ever even thought in the past, or anything close to anything I'd say. I honestly can't believe the words came out of my mouth.
OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 05/04/2022 00:07

I don't think there's any way to rectify that. I couldn't get past something that intentionally hurtful. Choosing the thing that would deeply hurt the most is really calculating- I don't think you can truly love him if you could even dream of saying something so cruel.

Briefly · 05/04/2022 00:09

At least you're being honest about it.

If it's not representative of you, where did it come from?? You don't sound bitchy at all.

Briefly · 05/04/2022 00:10

You've already answered that, sorry.

Original poster
user12879982 · 05/04/2022 00:11

@ladydimitrescu

I don't think there's any way to rectify that. I couldn't get past something that intentionally hurtful. Choosing the thing that would deeply hurt the most is really calculating- I don't think you can truly love him if you could even dream of saying something so cruel.
I didn't want to drip feed but that evening I'd found out that he'd slept with a woman before we met who we now spend time with frequently as a couple.

I was angry he'd let me sit in a group of four of us being the only one around the table unaware. I know there are no feelings with this woman, on either side but I felt so angry and was extremely intoxicated and in the moment just wanted to hurt him because I felt hurt. No excuse and wish with all my heart I could take it back.

OP posts:
Original poster
user12879982 · 05/04/2022 00:12

@Briefly

You've already answered that, sorry.
I've just added a bit more below which might shed some light as to why I was feeling so angry.

When I was questioning him about the situation he laughed at me and I just saw red.

OP posts:
Briefly · 05/04/2022 00:12

I can only think that given time he will not want to throw four years away over what was obviously a very drunken moment of unusual spite. This is not who you are. But maybe drink less??

HellToTheNope · 05/04/2022 00:13

I didn't want to drip feed but that evening I'd found out that he'd slept with a woman before we met who we now spend time with frequently as a couple.

So? That is completely irrelevant and absolutely no excuse.

Original poster
user12879982 · 05/04/2022 00:14

@HellToTheNope

I didn't want to drip feed but that evening I'd found out that he'd slept with a woman before we met who we now spend time with frequently as a couple.

So? That is completely irrelevant and absolutely no excuse.

As I said, no excuse. But I felt it added some context to why I was feeling so angry in the moment for something so horrible to come out of my mouth
OP posts:
Original poster
user12879982 · 05/04/2022 00:15

@Briefly

I can only think that given time he will not want to throw four years away over what was obviously a very drunken moment of unusual spite. This is not who you are. But maybe drink less??
Drinking less is definitely on my list. It was a one off and I wouldn't usually drink so much to be so out of control with my words.
OP posts:
Original poster
user12879982 · 05/04/2022 00:15

@Briefly

I can only think that given time he will not want to throw four years away over what was obviously a very drunken moment of unusual spite. This is not who you are. But maybe drink less??
And thank you, you've been kind when I really don't feel like I deserve it.
OP posts:
Briefly · 05/04/2022 00:16

Could this be a good moment to look at why you just can't stand being laughed at? It's a mean thing to do IMO and I wouldn't be able to cope with it but it sounds like it goes very deep with you. Like you just have to kill whatever it make you feel. Not to be an armchair psychologist but they say fear/trauma often underlies anger.

Briefly · 05/04/2022 00:17

None of us are perfect, we're all capable of things we don't like to admit and you're paying very dearly for this.

Original poster
user12879982 · 05/04/2022 00:18

@Briefly

Could this be a good moment to look at why you just can't stand being laughed at? It's a mean thing to do IMO and I wouldn't be able to cope with it but it sounds like it goes very deep with you. Like you just have to kill whatever it make you feel. Not to be an armchair psychologist but they say fear/trauma often underlies anger.
This is probably very true, I grew up with an alcoholic mother who was horrible at times growing up. It's not something I've ever dealt with properly and I do wonder if there if trauma there to be dealt with. Thanks again, you've been kind and understanding x
OP posts:
Briefly · 05/04/2022 00:20

You poor thing. Well maybe this will have a soccer lining. Given the length of your relationship, if you do get some help, I would let him know when it's appropriate.

Briefly · 05/04/2022 00:20

Silver, sorry

Hausa · 05/04/2022 00:22

I didn't want to drip feed but that evening I'd found out that he'd slept with a woman before we met who we now spend time with frequently as a couple

Why did this make you so angry? Why do you think it made you feel the need to be so nasty?

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