How can I take it back?

[user12879982]

I've done a pretty awful thing.

DP and I have been together for four years, both mid 30s, we don't live together but I spend 95% of my time at his place since covid. A year ago he lost his dad in a short battle with cancer, they had a difficult relationship and he has been having therapy about it since as never really felt very loved by his parents who have both passed in recent years.

Generally we have a great relationship, lots of fun, love and laughter. We spent a Sunday a few weeks ago out with friends and took the Monday off work as we knew there would be lots of alcohol involved.

On our way home we had a disagreement and neither of us can remember what it was over, it was very petty but when we got in he was laughing at me during the argument, it's how he try's to get to me when we argue.

I stormed off and said 'at least my dad loves me'. I'm horrified by these words, disgusted I ever said them and immediately regretted it and hugged him while he cried saying I didn't mean it at all. We woke up the next day, discussed it and I again apologised profusely. We've spent the last few weeks carrying on as normal and it hasn't come up since.

Tonight he went for dinner with a friend and told his friend what I'd said, no surprise his friend was disgusted. He's come home and said he needs space from me and the words have cut him deeply and he doesn't know how he feels. I've gone to my house and he has said he will see me on Thursday.

I'm normally a loving, kind, caring and compassionate person and feel this was completely out of character of me. In fact he comments on how nice everyone says I am including himself.

Anything anyone can suggest for me to rectify this? I really didn't mean what I said and stupidly picked the one thing I knew would get to him.

@wetjumpsuits

& to add what PPs have said above. As much as you're apologizing for this, so he should be for cruelly laughing at you - this is awful and is a tactic designed to hurt. No different, essentially

Thanks for your words and support. I feel had I not been so cruel with my choice of words I'd have a leg to stand on here, but I lost all my rights to point blame at him after I said what I did. Well, that's how I feel about it.

Really wishing I could turn back the clocks on this one x

I think you are very remorseful and totally regret what you said. Every person that is responding to you will have said something mean or hateful, which they regret, myself included!

You've apologised, and I hope that your apology will be accepted eventually. Saying one bad thing does not necessarily mean the end of a relationship. God, saying lots of bad things doesn't mean the end of a relationship. But, with an apology, especially one we owe, comes a time to reflect on what we should do differently in the future.

You've done what you can, and if it is sincere, those that love you will accept it. Please stop being so hard on yourself, but please do use this experience to learn.

There is nothing worse than hurting someone you love and hoping that they know you well enough to forgive you.

I recently heard a phrase which I think applies here: 'Anger is hurt's bodyguard.' You said something terrible because you were so angry with him for touching a nerve. PPs may not see why it triggered you, but there must be a reason for it, which only you know. So, if he's willing to forgive and continue the relationship, you need to explain what you were reacting to and figure out how you can deal with that pain (that's you in the plural, you and him). You might need to work through that particular trigger, he needs to know what it is and avoid activating it, and of course, you have to show him the same respect by never again saying something that you know is incredibly hurtful to him. It may need therapy for you to find out what it is and why it affects you so deeply, or you may already know. To me, that's the only thing you can offer him. An apology and a plan to address the underlying cause of the incident to stop it from ever happening again.

Around 5 years ago ... So 2 after my mom passed... Someone said to me that I needed to "her over her death, everyone loses someone". I didn't forgive and I'll never forget.

@gumball37

Around 5 years ago ... So 2 after my mom passed... Someone said to me that I needed to "her over her death, everyone loses someone". I didn't forgive and I'll never forget.

were they extremely remorseful for what they'd said and horrified they'd said it?

Sorry for your loss

Doesn't a vulnerability to alcohol and how it's processed run in families? What you've said is so unlike the rest of you. Do you think you're particularly susceptible to alcohol? I knew someone whose personality completely changed in drink. I know some people think it can't happen but we all have things we'd never say if our inhibition went out the window - there's a five year old in everyone. She turned out to have a liver disorder.

@Briefly

Doesn't a vulnerability to alcohol and how it's processed run in families? What you've said is so unlike the rest of you. Do you think you're particularly susceptible to alcohol? I knew someone whose personality completely changed in drink. I know some people think it can't happen but we all have things we'd never say if our inhibition went out the window - there's a five year old in everyone. She turned out to have a liver disorder.

I'm known for being very controlled with alcohol. If I've ever drank too much in the past I take myself off home quietly and have never been known to cause a scene or argument. I do enjoy a drink but to a healthy degree, a wine or two here and there and I have been tipsy/drunk before and never reacted this way to anyone. In my teens I definitely had anger problems, pre-alcohol, I was sharp tongued and lost a lot of friendships and tainted others as a result. I did meditation for a few years, daily, and I don't know if it was that or maturity but I really did think it was behind me. I always thought it was a teenage, puberty thing but it's starting to feel like there is a trigger there, which feels scary.

Well this is a difficult one. I can see how him laughing at you caused yiu to be angry and he didn't behave well.

However, I just don't get people who do this . I am by no means perfect and despite having been raging and or very hurt during arguments I have never felt like I want to hurt the person I love to that degree.

I have had it done to me though. In an argument, an ex told me he could see why exh cheated on me and then said he was glad he did it and it should have brought me down a peg or 2, but hadn't.

I realised then, that he was the type of person that had no boundaries when it came to hurting me. I believe people say stuff like this, that deep down they dont really think.

I believe somewhere deep down Ex dp believed I was to confident in my own life and boundaries (ie I didn't believe I should accept any shit offered) and I think somewhere deep down, you do think that your dad loving you makes you something 'more' than he is.

He was very very sorry. But it changed how I saw him. Really, it was done the moment those words came out of his mouth.

I am finding it hard to believe OP, that so few people replying to you seem to understand the hurt and embarrassment that he caused you by not having previously told you about the status of your now mutual friend. But in case it was your explanation that most of them didn't understand - although it was very clear - please bear with me while I try to explain this part of the situation to any of the pp's who are prepared to read it:

You meet someone. You eventually fall in love with each other. You may or may not be, the sort of couple who shares with each other the details (I don't mean in depth details of their actual sex lives, but whether or not it was a sexual relationship) of previous partners.

However, once you and your partner are in a serious relationship, if either of you meet an ex, either accidentally or through an arranged meeting, and whether your new partner is with you at the time or not, you or your partner, (whichever one is relevant) should tell each other about the relationship you or they had with your (or their) ex.
For example:

You the female reader are attending a party with your partner, and to mix it up, it is you who hadn't already told your male, serious partner, about your previous partner. What you should do...

"Oh Hi John, long time no see, please let me introduce you to my partner David, David, this is my ex John, we met at Uni and went out for about 6 months before he realised that he and Jane had much more in common than he and I did (muted laughter all around)! By the way John, is Jane here with you tonight?"

What you should NOT do - again, you the female reader are there with your newish, but serious partner..

"Hi John, long time no see, please let me introduce you to my partner David, David, this is John, a friend from Uni. Is Jane here with you tonight? ..... Oh, you split up but now you are engaged to Flo, is she here tonight as I would love to meet her?"

3 Years later (after the 2nd example), when your partner David has spent lots of time with your ex John, sometimes as a foursome (not sexual!) with you the reader - Elsie, and Flo, but sometimes just David with John, as the 2 of them have formed a friendship of their own:

Flo talking to David...

"Has Elsie ever told you about the time that she and John went for a romantic weekend in Amsterdam, but they got lost late on the first night after a few drinks and a couple of splivs, and the only people they could see were a couple of scantily clad ladies sitting behind 2 seperate windows (John and Elsie were very young, and even more naive - when it came to the other thing Amsterdam was famous for!), so John went and knocked on one of the windows to ask for directions..."
Flo gives a loud guffaw at this point.

As I said before, if most of the pp's on here were David (or you OP) do they honestly mean that they would not have been hurt or embarrassed by the fact that they had been friends with one of Elsie's exes, and had not known for circa 3 years that John had had an intimate relationship with Elsie at some point?
I would have been bloody fuming, and like you OP I wouldn't have given a rats arse about them previously having been in a relationship together, my BIG problem would be that I was the ONLY ONE who didn't know about it!

I am not surprised that you lashed out when you were feeling so hurt OP, and yes, as you have already admitted, it was very unfortunate that you said the one thing that probably caused him the most pain - but it was done when you were under a lot of duress. You are obviously much too lovely a person to do that sort of thing in cold-blood, so I think you should cut yourself some slack, and I think the pp's should too.

As for your partner, it sounds like he quite often laughs cruelly at you to purposely try to make you feel small. Maybe this worm has turned, and either he learns to stop being so needlessly and horribly cruel, or maybe you will begin to see him in a new light. He has treated you shabbily, he doesn't sound t all remorseful, maybe YOU should be re-thinking your relationship. You deserve someone as loyal and honest and kind as you are, it doesn't sound to me like he comes anywhere near to fitting that bill!

ps. Having now read everything I just wrote, I have come to the conclusion that you were much easier to understand in the first place OP!

& to add what PPs have said above. As much as you're apologizing for this, so he should be for cruelly laughing at you - this is awful and is a tactic designed to hurt. No different, essentially how often do we read posts on here from posters who say their partners get nasty when they’re drunk or when they argue and the only way to try to defuse i to laugh at them?

I knew it was only a matter of time before people turned this one around to make it the man’s fault. Yet if the man had been the one making the comment people would be saying that alcohol makes people lose their inhibitions and usually people say what they’re really feeling when they’re drunk because being sober makes them think twice.

OP gets nasty when she’s drunk, like mother like daughter it would seem. I highly doubt this is the first time she’s said something nasty to hurt her dp, it’s just the first time that someone pointed out to him how deliberately nasty it was, you know? The way people often do on here when someone posts about a nasty comment someone has made to them when drunk and it then transpires that this is a general part of the relationship and their eyes are opened.

If someone said something like that to me then it would just prove the contempt they felt for me and I’d be off. You can’t take it back. This is the way you feel about him, and you hae a desire to hurt him. It’s unlikely this is the first time, and now his eyes have been opened.

@TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek

I am finding it hard to believe OP, that so few people replying to you seem to understand the hurt and embarrassment that he caused you by not having previously told you about the status of your now mutual friend. But in case it was your explanation that most of them didn't understand - although it was very clear - please bear with me while I try to explain this part of the situation to any of the pp's who are prepared to read it:

You meet someone. You eventually fall in love with each other. You may or may not be, the sort of couple who shares with each other the details (I don't mean in depth details of their actual sex lives, but whether or not it was a sexual relationship) of previous partners.

However, once you and your partner are in a serious relationship, if either of you meet an ex, either accidentally or through an arranged meeting, and whether your new partner is with you at the time or not, you or your partner, (whichever one is relevant) should tell each other about the relationship you or they had with your (or their) ex.
For example:

You the female reader are attending a party with your partner, and to mix it up, it is you who hadn't already told your male, serious partner, about your previous partner. What you should do...

"Oh Hi John, long time no see, please let me introduce you to my partner David, David, this is my ex John, we met at Uni and went out for about 6 months before he realised that he and Jane had much more in common than he and I did (muted laughter all around)! By the way John, is Jane here with you tonight?"

What you should NOT do - again, you the female reader are there with your newish, but serious partner..

"Hi John, long time no see, please let me introduce you to my partner David, David, this is John, a friend from Uni. Is Jane here with you tonight? ..... Oh, you split up but now you are engaged to Flo, is she here tonight as I would love to meet her?"

3 Years later (after the 2nd example), when your partner David has spent lots of time with your ex John, sometimes as a foursome (not sexual!) with you the reader - Elsie, and Flo, but sometimes just David with John, as the 2 of them have formed a friendship of their own:

Flo talking to David...

"Has Elsie ever told you about the time that she and John went for a romantic weekend in Amsterdam, but they got lost late on the first night after a few drinks and a couple of splivs, and the only people they could see were a couple of scantily clad ladies sitting behind 2 seperate windows (John and Elsie were very young, and even more naive - when it came to the other thing Amsterdam was famous for!), so John went and knocked on one of the windows to ask for directions..."
Flo gives a loud guffaw at this point.

As I said before, if most of the pp's on here were David (or you OP) do they honestly mean that they would not have been hurt or embarrassed by the fact that they had been friends with one of Elsie's exes, and had not known for circa 3 years that John had had an intimate relationship with Elsie at some point?
I would have been bloody fuming, and like you OP I wouldn't have given a rats arse about them previously having been in a relationship together, my BIG problem would be that I was the ONLY ONE who didn't know about it!

I am not surprised that you lashed out when you were feeling so hurt OP, and yes, as you have already admitted, it was very unfortunate that you said the one thing that probably caused him the most pain - but it was done when you were under a lot of duress. You are obviously much too lovely a person to do that sort of thing in cold-blood, so I think you should cut yourself some slack, and I think the pp's should too.

As for your partner, it sounds like he quite often laughs cruelly at you to purposely try to make you feel small. Maybe this worm has turned, and either he learns to stop being so needlessly and horribly cruel, or maybe you will begin to see him in a new light. He has treated you shabbily, he doesn't sound t all remorseful, maybe YOU should be re-thinking your relationship. You deserve someone as loyal and honest and kind as you are, it doesn't sound to me like he comes anywhere near to fitting that bill!

ps. Having now read everything I just wrote, I have come to the conclusion that you were much easier to understand in the first place OP!

This post made me smile and cry! I'm without any sleep tonight so emotions are running high.

Struggling to decide between a light hearted message to him in the morning saying "do you love me again?" (this is how he would usually resolve a disagreement) or the three page essay I've written in my notes about my remorse and the steps I'll take to make sure this doesn't happen again.

coffee time! Flo and Elsie - great names!

@AlternativePerspective

& to add what PPs have said above. As much as you're apologizing for this, so he should be for cruelly laughing at you - this is awful and is a tactic designed to hurt. No different, essentially how often do we read posts on here from posters who say their partners get nasty when they’re drunk or when they argue and the only way to try to defuse i to laugh at them?

I knew it was only a matter of time before people turned this one around to make it the man’s fault. Yet if the man had been the one making the comment people would be saying that alcohol makes people lose their inhibitions and usually people say what they’re really feeling when they’re drunk because being sober makes them think twice.

OP gets nasty when she’s drunk, like mother like daughter it would seem. I highly doubt this is the first time she’s said something nasty to hurt her dp, it’s just the first time that someone pointed out to him how deliberately nasty it was, you know? The way people often do on here when someone posts about a nasty comment someone has made to them when drunk and it then transpires that this is a general part of the relationship and their eyes are opened.

If someone said something like that to me then it would just prove the contempt they felt for me and I’d be off. You can’t take it back. This is the way you feel about him, and you hae a desire to hurt him. It’s unlikely this is the first time, and now his eyes have been opened.

It wasn't a little shrugged off laugh at me, it was in my face roaring laughter at me explaining my upset.

I can assure you if this was common in our relationship, I wouldn't be asking for advice from strangers about how I resolve the situation.

My mother never said nasty things when she was drunk, she was abusive in other ways but not words but thanks for the comparison. I think the saying is kick 'em while they're down.

True to your name, an alternative perspective all the same whether I find it hard to read or not

I think there's a bit of 6 of one and half a dozen of the other about this, actually.

I wouldn't have him walk into a room and socialise, shake hands with an ex lover of mine completely oblivious to what everyone else in the rooms knows

I agree with this. And I have been in the position of being the one who told my boyfriend something similar in a group situation so that he wasn't in the position you found yourself in because I wouldn't have wanted to be in that position. He was pleased I told him.

For him to laugh at you when you were upset about something was very cruel.

I am also in the position of having had a parent who didn't love me, and have had therapy for the trauma it left behind, so I would find your comment unforgivable.

But actually, he isn't beyond reproach himself in this situation.

@OldGoth I can see we were both at fault, however I think what I said was just so awful that the rest becomes irrelevant and I've lost any right to say anything back to him in terms of my feelings towards how he handled himself in the situation.

Sorry for your loss

I think you were both equally nasty.
And whilst what you said was terrible your dp was goading you.
If you've apologised then he accepts it or not.
I bet he didn't tell his friend what he actually said to you first.

It was an awful thong to say bit I think you owe yourself some compassion.

People who are generally very kind don't usually say setting so cruel unless they feel 'threatened' in some way.

I don't really feel that there is any coming back from this amd suspect your relationship is over but I don't think you should carry the full responsibility for that.

The situation escalated but I wouldn't have put you in the position of feeling like you'd been made a fool of for 4 years. And, if I'd unintentionally created that scenario, I certainly wouldn't have laughed at you for it!

Like I say, I did tell my boyfriend something similar because I am emotionally intelligent enough to understand that I wouldn't have wanted to feel I'd been kept in the dark about it if I were him. If I'd made a different choice, I wouldn't have laughed at him if he'd found out and been upset.

It's not the fact he slept with this other woman but that he laughed at you that is the issue.

Thing is, you can't take it back. When you say something nasty, you are trading that moment of satisfaction for a bit of that person's love for you for the rest of your lives.

Now I'm not rubbing it in, I've done the same and I'd definitely react the same way to someone laughing at me to provoke me. That's also really nasty and making the same trade as above.

But there's just no point trying to "take it back". You can't.

I would just try to both move on from it, if you both want to. Ironically the more you grovel and apologise, the more he will feel wronged and superior and the more he will hate you over it.

@Dundonian

I think his habit of laughing at you to upset you, or provoke a reaction, is pretty despicable. Maybe he needs to accept some responsibility for the argument.

I agree with this actually, not a nice trait in him to laugh at you to either belittle you or avoid taking your feelings seriously. Obviously your comeback was much more hurtful, but conversations around both of your needling behaviour should happen if you stay together - you've both admitted (or you on his behalf at least) that you wanted to hurt the other one in the moment.

@LimeSegment You've sort of hit the nail on the head with your last sentence. I know him well enough to know if I sent the three page essay of apology and remorse, he'll play this over and over again in his head rather than working on us moving on.

A light hearted "do you love me again?" might go down a little better. I apologised incessantly at the time, as did he about laughing at me and we moved on.

But I think I'm being selfish by trying to deal with this light heartedly and it's not something to just move on from.

There is no other option though. Taking it back isn't possible so that's not an option. Breaking up is an option but it sounds like it's not one you'll be taking, if he wants that it's up to him.

Personally I wouldn't make a light-hearted joke though, that's just opening yourself up to him being angry and saying oh so you think this is funny etc. I'd would just not mention it any more and act normal. If he wants to bring it up that's up to him.

You’re making things even worse by making excuses. Alcohol is not an excuse (drunk talk sober thoughts). Your jealousy towards your DPs ex is also not an excuse. Your reaction to the latter was extreme so no wonder your DP laughed.

You will never be able to take this back. Your words were cold and calculating and required at least some forethought. A “normally compassionate” person wouldn’t have thought the words you said. You intended to hurt him deeply.

You don’t even show remorse because you keep trying to spin this on your DP who didn’t do anything wrong.

I think you’re being too hard on yourself actually. Yes it was a horrible thing to say, but he’s no saint. You’ve said sorry that’s all you can do.

@Sushi7 No blame on him, just context. I think we both had fault in the argument and it was 50/50 until I said those words. You'll see below how remorseful I am if you read my posts.

Drunk talk sober thoughts is the most ridiculous sentence ever. Anybody who has ever been drunk will know this.

And I'm not jealous of the ex, she wasn't an 'ex' she was an old school friend he slept with twice 8 years ago, she's now married with kids and they're definitely not each other's type, no jealousy, she's actually my friend. I was more embarrassed and upset by DPs lack of honesty/loyalty towards me for not telling me.

Completely understand your upset and the way he dismissed your feelings. That was probadly the trigger, invalidating, mocking and causing feelings of insecurity. I guess up until then you felt you knew him and could trust him implicitly.

When talking to his friend I guess he minimised why you were so hurt and his behaviours. There is some responsibility on his part.

However I think if he opened up to you about his Dad then he has felt highly vulnerable and you delivered a blow to the most wounded part of him. He may now feel trust can't he rebuilt. That would be a shame if you genuinely had a great connection before. Are you sure you both handle conflict well? Do you really know how to work through conflicts and resolve issues? Do you both communicate in a "I feel hurt when..." statements

A great relationship is where 2 flawed (we all are) individuals can communicate and trust each other. They each learn their triggers and discuss and work through, sharing vulnerabilities. Hurtful comments CAN be overcome if there is willingness and acceptance that both parties will learn.
I think you need to explain that you know he feels loss of trust as you choose a blow to an already open wound. Explore why your hurt was so deep, if it was insecurity, shame, trust?? That's the work on your part, promise yourself you will heal that part, learn healthier reactions.

If he decides he can't go forward then at least you know you will take a healthier version of yourself into the next relationship.

What you have learned is that trust is important to you, you want to know upfront if you are ever in company with an partners ex. I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

Hi OP, as a child, my mother was an alcoholic and I was subjected to constant jibes and laughed at when she was drunk. She and the rest of the family (older siblings) tried to keep the truth of her drinking hidden, secrets and alcoholism go hand in hand. For me it was like being constantly laughed at and gas lighted (gas lit? 🤔) at the same time.

As an adult, truth is very important to me, so I can understand why you were hurt that you hadn't been told about their previous relationship. You were hurt and when you told your BF you were hurt, he laughed at you. I'm guessing it was the kid with the alcoholic mother that felt hurt and lashed out with angry words.

I agree with you, that what you said was cruel but I also think your BF was cruel laughing at you. If you can both talk it over honestly you might reach some resolution.

For posters (a bit nastily) suggesting you're just like your mother, I wonder if you understand how deeply damaging it is to be raised by an alcoholic who mocks and contradicts your every word to the point you don't have any sense of self. It's a form of child abuse and can damage you for life.

When I read your post my first thought was you responded to your BF in a child like way. Look up transactional analysis and how it influences our communication and how it can help you try to reach a resolution with your BF.

I'm not sure being in a relationship with someone who doesn't volunteer full disclosure and who laughs at you is the best match for you (and your inner hurt child) You genuinely sound like a lovely person who lashed out and is very remorseful. Take care of yourself.