How can I take it back?

[user12879982]

I've done a pretty awful thing.

DP and I have been together for four years, both mid 30s, we don't live together but I spend 95% of my time at his place since covid. A year ago he lost his dad in a short battle with cancer, they had a difficult relationship and he has been having therapy about it since as never really felt very loved by his parents who have both passed in recent years.

Generally we have a great relationship, lots of fun, love and laughter. We spent a Sunday a few weeks ago out with friends and took the Monday off work as we knew there would be lots of alcohol involved.

On our way home we had a disagreement and neither of us can remember what it was over, it was very petty but when we got in he was laughing at me during the argument, it's how he try's to get to me when we argue.

I stormed off and said 'at least my dad loves me'. I'm horrified by these words, disgusted I ever said them and immediately regretted it and hugged him while he cried saying I didn't mean it at all. We woke up the next day, discussed it and I again apologised profusely. We've spent the last few weeks carrying on as normal and it hasn't come up since.

Tonight he went for dinner with a friend and told his friend what I'd said, no surprise his friend was disgusted. He's come home and said he needs space from me and the words have cut him deeply and he doesn't know how he feels. I've gone to my house and he has said he will see me on Thursday.

I'm normally a loving, kind, caring and compassionate person and feel this was completely out of character of me. In fact he comments on how nice everyone says I am including himself.

Anything anyone can suggest for me to rectify this? I really didn't mean what I said and stupidly picked the one thing I knew would get to him.

@SpidersAreShitheads

I’ve been thinking about your post since last night OP. My dad died a few yrs back and I have (different) complicated emotions relating to him. I’ve been thinking what I would do if my DP said similar to me.

I’d be distraught and deeply wounded. I’d talk to my close friend about it. She would sympathise and we’d plot to bury him under the patio. Having vented my spleen to her, providing he was deeply remorseful and it was a one-off I think I could get past it.

I would also think about my own behaviour and whether I was without blame. And if I had been deliberately trying to wind DP up by scornfully laughing at him, knowing I was intentionally hurting his feelings I think I’d have to acccept that I wasn’t blameless.

I’m quite analytical though and I do tend to think about my own behaviour as well as the other person’s ( by way of explanation, I’m autistic and if I don’t consciously think about things from both sides, I can miss something obvious).

I would make it clear to DP that if he said anything like that again I wouldn’t be so forgiving. I’d also want to talk to him about where the comment came from and why he was so hurtful (which you’ve already addressed in your comments).

I would need a few days to process it and work through the emotions. The reaction of my DP would determine a lot. Genuine heartfelt apologies and an effort to be understanding about why I’m so upset would go a very long way.

Ultimately your DP can’t help how he feels. But he does need to look in the mirror too - he was pretty unpleasant (and yes of COURSE he should have mentioned the history!!!!) Maybe he buried some of his hurt at the time and talking to his friend just reignited that resentment. He genuinely might just need some time to work through things.

I know you feel like the bad guy and can’t say anything for fear of sounding like you’re making excuses - but I feel as if he’s getting away Scot-free. His behaviour was poor and now he’s also effectively kicked you out of your “home”.

Doesn’t sound though as if he’d be willing to acknowledge the part he’s played in all this, just wants to keep beating you for being cruel.

I hope you’re ok OP.

i agree with eveything youve said here!

I'd go a bit easier o yourself OP - you were deeply hurt, and responded from a place where you reacted to a pain that was far more intense than you felt able to justify. You felt humiliated by the events and revelations of the day, and then he mocked you, and your anger, pain and frustration flew out - uninhibited due to alcohol and distress.
In the cold light of day and taken out of context - it is very hurtful- and it was meant to be. But it wasn't what you think, or how you feel, it was a weapon you used in the fog of drink in desperation and distress. I think it's unfair a dishinest of your DP not to acknowledge the pain he was causing you when you verbally lashed out.

I expected to know about this one woman because he's put me in social situations with her over 100 times in the past four years, including holidays

Tbh, OP, I'd end it for this regardless of what he says on Thursday.

Total lack of respect and disregard for your feelings. I can't imagine thinking it would be ok to put someone in this position.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I have read all your comments.

Firstly it was an awful thing to say, as I know you already know. If you could wave a wand and disappear that awful moment where the words came out of your mouth, you would. You do have to let him choose whether or not he wants to continue in a relationship with you after this.

But.

WTF he was laughing in your face?? That is cruel and demeaning behaviour and very, very nasty. He was taunting you about something that you were deeply upset by and having a very hard time processing, having just found out about it not long before. I can definitely understand your anger, your distress and the fact that you lashed out. Sadly in that moment you picked the one thing you knew would really hurt him.

I’m not sure this relationship is right for either of you, tbh.

He really should not have humiliated you by keeping that information from you for such a long time when everyone else knows. That’s not the same as just not mentioning that you once slept with some random woman, and he definitely should not have laughed at you when you were hurt and angry about it.

You obviously should not have let those words come out of your mouth. There was real resentment and contempt behind them, and I do think you’re entitled to feel some resentment actually. But it’s not a healthy way to live long-term. If you can’t let go of it, it’ll poison everything, as it already has.

You can only apologise. And then don’t turn it into some kind of dynamic where you’re begging and pleading for his love all the time and having to debase yourself to earn his forgiveness. If he wants to forgive he has to actually forgive, even if he can’t forget. Otherwise he needs to end the relationship.

I don’t think a good man would laugh at the woman he’s supposed to love who’s hurting in front of him. So on that basis, I think you should end the relationship.

@Thatsplentyjack

I don’t quite agree, I think if the genders were reversed and a woman posting saying this is what he said and did because I didn’t tell him I slept with someone years ago and because I laughed in his face during the argument, she’d be told to ltb. No doubt about it.

What? Even if the woman was up in the man's face roaring (actual words from the OP) with laughter at his upset? ....I don't think so.

Quite. I’d be saying exactly the same thing if the sexes (it’s sex, not gender) were reversed.

You said something completely out of character whilst unusually drunk, and you immediately regretted it and apologised at length. You can do no more than give him space to decide if he can move past it. In your shoes I think I would leave him to it. You can't keep apologising. If he genuinely wants space then you contacing him may just annoy him.

Don't forget that he was intentionally cruel to you as well. It may not be as bad, given his dad had recently died, but you say that when he's drunk and angry he laughs in your face with the intention of upsetting and hurting you.

So you both have to examine your behaviour, and to decide if you want to move past it and forgive the other. Whilst your action was worse in content, it was a one-off immediately regretted thing. He has done this more than once and seems happy to keep doing it.

So while he's taking time to decide if he can forgive you, I'd do the same.

If you have an otherwise great relationship, I can't think for a minute he would want to walk away from it for one stupid drunk comment which you're mortified about.

@Dundonian

I think his habit of laughing at you to upset you, or provoke a reaction, is pretty despicable. Maybe he needs to accept some responsibility for the argument.

I agree . What OP said was disgraceful but he is not blameless as he did something that he knows hurts.

He really should not have humiliated you by keeping that information from you for such a long time when everyone else knows.

Do people really feel humiliated by not knowing their partner's full sexual histories? Even if it involves someone else they know?

Of course if there was an old fling, mutual friends who were around at the time will know. Why would that be humiliating, if you weren't around at the time? They're not keeping a secret to mock you, they've just consigned that knowledge to old history. I don't spend much time thinking about the random flings my friends had in 2010, or even about the random flings I had in 2010.

Is there any practical use to knowing? If I learned a mutual friend had had a fling with DP before I met him I wouldn't treat her any differently or think of her any differently.

I'm having a hard time grasping what's meant to be so humiliating about this scenario.

I actually thought about it last month - an acquaintance I once had a one-night stand with popped up at a mutual friend's birthday drinks. He and DP got on like a house on fire! We don't plan to hang out regularly, though I'm sure he'll pop up at more mutual friends' events. I'm not sure that DP needs to know about that time we hooked up after a heavy party.

@gannett

He really should not have humiliated you by keeping that information from you for such a long time when everyone else knows.

Do people really feel humiliated by not knowing their partner's full sexual histories? Even if it involves someone else they know?

Of course if there was an old fling, mutual friends who were around at the time will know. Why would that be humiliating, if you weren't around at the time? They're not keeping a secret to mock you, they've just consigned that knowledge to old history. I don't spend much time thinking about the random flings my friends had in 2010, or even about the random flings I had in 2010.

Is there any practical use to knowing? If I learned a mutual friend had had a fling with DP before I met him I wouldn't treat her any differently or think of her any differently.

I'm having a hard time grasping what's meant to be so humiliating about this scenario.

I actually thought about it last month - an acquaintance I once had a one-night stand with popped up at a mutual friend's birthday drinks. He and DP got on like a house on fire! We don't plan to hang out regularly, though I'm sure he'll pop up at more mutual friends' events. I'm not sure that DP needs to know about that time we hooked up after a heavy party.

No. I don't remember mine either but neither did I introdice my boyfriend to them and expect them to socialise and holiday with them whilst leaving them entirely in the dark about it.

I can’t say that it would bother me, truth be told - I’ve never been interested in previous sexual history. I’m quite relaxed about sex/relationships and not a jealous person; I’ve never told my partners/husbands (I’ve had two) all about my sexual past as that’s my business. They’ve never asked and if they had demanded to know I’d’ve told them where to go. But were roles reversed I would absolutely have been respectful enough toward my DH to let him know in circumstances such as these. It possibly would bother him and i’d never want to put him in the position where he might be blindsided by a revelation like that. It bothered the OP a lot and that’s fair enough - Surely you understand that different people are going to feel differently about this sort of thing and that’s okay and their feelings are valid regardless of how you personally feel about it.

Two husbands, that is.

I'm sure he knows you didn't mean it. Sounds like he said something hurtful towards you and you retaliated. I'm sure he'll forgive you, he's just feeling bruised

When I was 30, I'd been with my then boyfriend for nearly 5 years. That Christmas, he got very drunk one night and pissed off with me when I wanted to go home at 3am (he wanted to carry on drinking). It was a night out with a mutual friend who had moved away, and had come up especially to see us both and was staying the night with me.

At that point in time I'd been NC with my father for 9 years and my mother had moved back to our home country 2 years previously. I have no other family in the UK.

Partner starts saying some really nasty personal shit in front of our mutual friend, and then says something along the lines "You're so horrible, no wonder all your family couldn't wait to get away from you". Of course the next time he pretended he didn't remember saying it at all...but our mutual friend did, and nearly 25 years later I can still see the horrified look on their face....the friend did tell my boyfriend how out of order he was being and not to be so nasty...

I stupidly married that boyfriend a couple of years later. We actually should have split up at that point. I never really forgave him for what he said, it was far too nasty and personal.

You can't take it back. It's over.

@Nnique

I can’t say that it would bother me, truth be told - I’ve never been interested in previous sexual history. I’m quite relaxed about sex/relationships and not a jealous person; I’ve never told my partners/husbands (I’ve had two) all about my sexual past as that’s my business. They’ve never asked and if they had demanded to know I’d’ve told them where to go. But were roles reversed I would absolutely have been respectful enough toward my DH to let him know in circumstances such as these. It possibly would bother him and i’d never want to put him in the position where he might be blindsided by a revelation like that. It bothered the OP a lot and that’s fair enough - Surely you understand that different people are going to feel differently about this sort of thing and that’s okay and their feelings are valid regardless of how you personally feel about it.

It's not about jealousy. It's about consideration and respect. I wouldn't expect to be told (and I haven't told) in the event of bumping into a random one night stand in the pub.

But if I expected someone/or was expected to go on holiday with them, I'd rather know. I don't actually believe the people who say otherwise.

@Nnique

I haven’t read the whole thread but I have read all your comments.

Firstly it was an awful thing to say, as I know you already know. If you could wave a wand and disappear that awful moment where the words came out of your mouth, you would. You do have to let him choose whether or not he wants to continue in a relationship with you after this.

But.

WTF he was laughing in your face?? That is cruel and demeaning behaviour and very, very nasty. He was taunting you about something that you were deeply upset by and having a very hard time processing, having just found out about it not long before. I can definitely understand your anger, your distress and the fact that you lashed out. Sadly in that moment you picked the one thing you knew would really hurt him.

I’m not sure this relationship is right for either of you, tbh.

He really should not have humiliated you by keeping that information from you for such a long time when everyone else knows. That’s not the same as just not mentioning that you once slept with some random woman, and he definitely should not have laughed at you when you were hurt and angry about it.

You obviously should not have let those words come out of your mouth. There was real resentment and contempt behind them, and I do think you’re entitled to feel some resentment actually. But it’s not a healthy way to live long-term. If you can’t let go of it, it’ll poison everything, as it already has.

You can only apologise. And then don’t turn it into some kind of dynamic where you’re begging and pleading for his love all the time and having to debase yourself to earn his forgiveness. If he wants to forgive he has to actually forgive, even if he can’t forget. Otherwise he needs to end the relationship.

I don’t think a good man would laugh at the woman he’s supposed to love who’s hurting in front of him. So on that basis, I think you should end the relationship.

This is what I was about to say when I read this.........

He sounds mean to me OP

When you chat face to face I would be asking him why when he knew he was in the wrong labour not telling you about the ex/friend why he wanted to hurt you even further by laughing at you?

He truly isn't the good guy in this even though your behaviour was out of order. He then told someone else - did he even elaborate how whilst you felt hurt and humiliated he went for your jugular first?

Exactly. It’s disrespectful, discourteous and incredibly dismissive of their feelings - they have a right to know things that might really matter to them in context of close relationships/friendship circles/everyone else knowing. I’d never, ever be so unthoughtful and disloyal toward the man I love.

Above in reply to @GreyCarpet

I would take this time out to have a think about this relationship, what you said was unkind but his behaviour is worrying. He laughs when he had done something to upset you but needs time when you have upset him? Hmmm not sure about that

@Hausa

I felt like I'd been lied to, treated like the idiot at the table for the last four years

Why, though? Had he lied to you? Did you provide each other with lists of past lovers and he left her off his? Is this a retroactive jealousy thing? I’m not really understanding the problem, here.

Well, quite. The standard advice when one partner gets angry, or really even questions over a past lover that predates the relationships is that it is a huge red flag, that the past before them is none of their business, and they should strongly consider leaving the relationship.

No...you’re not comparing like with like. As always there are nuances.

My DH wouldn’t be jealous, he wouldn’t have any issue with it in and of itself, but he might feel very foolish and humiliated if he found out at a later stage, knowing that everyone else knew all along and he didn’t. He would not be unreasonable to feel that way and feeling hurt/humiliated/angry/deceived is not a red flag. In fact I don’t actually know that it would bother him at all - maybe it wouldn’t. But I’d volunteer the information because I’d naturally be considerate of his feelings, because it might upset him. I’d expect the same consideration from him.

Being upset by a scenario like this is not in way comparable to extreme jealousy/controlling behaviour/ideas of ‘ownership’ or other misogynistic attitudes in regards to sex/other such red flags.

In fact OP has already said she has no problem with the woman in question who is now a friend, and there’s no indication that OP is giving her boyfriend a hard time about it either in respect of continuing seeing this woman in social settings, so there’s no jealousy and no attempt to control his behaviour or dictate who he can and can’t see. She’s allowed to be angry with him when she’s feeling bruised and she’s allowed to be hurt that she wasn’t told. That’s entirely separate to the alcohol issue and the unfortunate act of saying such an awful thing. The man is well within his rights not to forgive OP and not to continue the relationship.

But let’s not pretend that he sounds like a truly wonderful person and she’s the only one who’s done something bad in this scenario. His behaviour is sustained over a period of time, deliberately cruel and not simply a matter of something slipping out that should never have been said. As red flags go his behaviour is far more concerning. That’s not making excuses for the OP though - she knows how awful it was and is clearly deeply regretful.

@Nnique

In fact OP has already said she has no problem with the woman in question who is now a friend, and there’s no indication that OP is giving her boyfriend a hard time about it either in respect of continuing seeing this woman in social settings, so there’s no jealousy and no attempt to control his behaviour or dictate who he can and can’t see. She’s allowed to be angry with him when she’s feeling bruised and she’s allowed to be hurt that she wasn’t told. That’s entirely separate to the alcohol issue and the unfortunate act of saying such an awful thing. The man is well within his rights not to forgive OP and not to continue the relationship.

But let’s not pretend that he sounds like a truly wonderful person and she’s the only one who’s done something bad in this scenario. His behaviour is sustained over a period of time, deliberately cruel and not simply a matter of something slipping out that should never have been said. As red flags go his behaviour is far more concerning. That’s not making excuses for the OP though - she knows how awful it was and is clearly deeply regretful.

This

My DH wouldn’t be jealous, he wouldn’t have any issue with it in and of itself, but he might feel very foolish and humiliated if he found out at a later stage, knowing that everyone else knew all along and he didn’t. He would not be unreasonable to feel that way and feeling hurt/humiliated/angry/deceived is not a red flag. In fact I don’t actually know that it would bother him at all - maybe it wouldn’t. But I’d volunteer the information because I’d naturally be considerate of his feelings, because itmightupset him. I’d expect the same consideration from him

This.

I wouldn't be jealous and have met exes without issue. But I would dump someone for doing what the OP's 'p' has done, tbh.

I know my boyfriend wouldn't be jealous but he'd probably feel foolish and humiliated if he knew he'd spent 4 years socialising and holidaying with someone I'd previously been shagging! That's just unacceptable.

Yes, of course he should have told you about his past fling with someone you regularly socialise with. And he’s a mean drunk. Sounds like a bit of a twat.