How can I take it back?

[user12879982]

I've done a pretty awful thing.

DP and I have been together for four years, both mid 30s, we don't live together but I spend 95% of my time at his place since covid. A year ago he lost his dad in a short battle with cancer, they had a difficult relationship and he has been having therapy about it since as never really felt very loved by his parents who have both passed in recent years.

Generally we have a great relationship, lots of fun, love and laughter. We spent a Sunday a few weeks ago out with friends and took the Monday off work as we knew there would be lots of alcohol involved.

On our way home we had a disagreement and neither of us can remember what it was over, it was very petty but when we got in he was laughing at me during the argument, it's how he try's to get to me when we argue.

I stormed off and said 'at least my dad loves me'. I'm horrified by these words, disgusted I ever said them and immediately regretted it and hugged him while he cried saying I didn't mean it at all. We woke up the next day, discussed it and I again apologised profusely. We've spent the last few weeks carrying on as normal and it hasn't come up since.

Tonight he went for dinner with a friend and told his friend what I'd said, no surprise his friend was disgusted. He's come home and said he needs space from me and the words have cut him deeply and he doesn't know how he feels. I've gone to my house and he has said he will see me on Thursday.

I'm normally a loving, kind, caring and compassionate person and feel this was completely out of character of me. In fact he comments on how nice everyone says I am including himself.

Anything anyone can suggest for me to rectify this? I really didn't mean what I said and stupidly picked the one thing I knew would get to him.

Oh for goodness sake, he left you completely unaware of the fact that you were socialising with an ex-lover when every body else knew and laughed and called you crazy when you quite reasonably complained. Like a previous poster, I think his habit of laughing at you to upset you, or provoke a reaction, is pretty despicable. That would have made me so angry so I wouldn't feel too bad about what you said. The bottom line is that if he really loved you, he'd forgive the comment rather than bitching to friend. Mind you, if he really respected you he would have mentioned about the former partner.

As for deigning to see me on Thursday, hell would freeze over before I'd be treated like some scurvy peasant getting an audience with the lord of the manor. Frankly if he wants to behave like a prat, he has to expect a reaction. I loathe wet men and I'd get shot of him.

@S0upertrooper Thanks, going to take some time today to try and book a therapy session. I cried just reading your post so I think there is definitely some trauma in there to deal with.

It almost felt like it wasn't me speaking when it happened, and as soon as the words came
out I was back to my normal lovely me and was super apologetic and couldn't believe what I'd just said.

The truth is for some of us - we are never loved, never have been or never feel really loved, which can suddenly come as a shock when realised. That's how it is but one has to get over it as it is just a person's particular circumstances. They may actually be ''lovable'', good people though.

You've been hurt by being brought up by an alcoholic mother who couldn't centre your needs. He's been hurt by being brought up by am absent father who couldn't centre his needs. You are both acting out your attachment wounds, him by laughing at your real emotion and you by then lashing out as you didn't feel seen.

By the way in the book Sad Little Men about boarding school survivors (inc current Prime Minister), denial, ridicule and mockery are mentioned as one of the psychological defences against hurt and emotion, with long-term consequences.

I rather like the idea that we seek out the perfect person for a relationship who will open up our primal wounds, so that together we can heal them. It's a more positive spin on the whole "triggering, repeating childhood pain" thing.

But you both have to want to do that. If he's not up for the gentle reflective questioning proposed by a PP then I'd bin it off. You can't do the work on your own.

Op, I don't agree it was 50/50 'until you said those words'.

It was STILL 50/50 AFTER you said those words too.

HE deliberately LAUGHED at YOUR distress. He CHOSE to demean you and pretend you were 'crazy', deliberately minimising your hurt feelings, rather than comfort you or reassure you. i.e YOUR distress and upset wasn't important to HIM, therefore was stupid, and even AMUSED him ffs !

It was BECAUSE he was dismissive of and even amused by your distress that YOU chose to intentionally cause HIM distress ! You did NOT just say what you did 'out of the blue' !

It's absolutely 50/50 in this scenario. HE chose to NOT tell you that his friends partner was an Ex. The 4 of you have been friends and have spent time together, and you have formed a 'friendship' with this woman/ couple which is based on lies. (The 'friendship' you form with a partners Ex is fundamentally different from the one you would form with a 'friend' ffs ! ) therefore you felt blindsided and felt like they were treating you without respect, like the only one who is not 'in on' a joke ! A bloody LONG joke !

I'd be apologizing for MY role in the argument, and for what I said, but ALSO expecting HIM to recognize HIS errors, and expect a heartfelt apology from HIM for his lack of compassion/empathy/understanding and for what HE did, i.e Hiding the past history with EX and then LAUGHING at MY distress !

This is a two way street, and neither of you are blameless, but he needs to recognise that it would never have happened if he'd been

1. Truthful/upfront about past relationship.
2. Understanding of your distress.
3. Had tried to comfort you instead of laughing at you.

So, although you were the one who 'hurt' him most , I'd not be bloody rushing in to repeatedly apologise either ! HE was the one who caused the whole bloody thing !!

‘ And I can't speak to anyone IRL about it as what i've said is so disgusting.’

Actually @user12879982, I disagree with you there.

Without excusing what you said, & a touch of ‘in vino veritas’, what you said what not disgusting.

It was a sharp, pointed, barbed comment that landed on the mark - to push back on how he had hurt you over the ex, & then the blatant disrespect of laughing at you when you were explaining/expressing your feelings. That is human nature, not disgusting.

You may regret what you said, has he expressed regret for how he treated you? Maybe he might like to take his ‘laughter’ that was cruel & mocking into his therapy as something to explore, as an expression of being an ‘unloved’ child.

This is a turning point for you. There are many undercurrents in the relationship between you. Indeed the dynamic of partners where one is the child of an alcoholic & one of distant parents - you may be drawn together by shared losses & fit together well. But it seems that the dynamic is changing as one of you is in therapy examining relationships.

For you as the child of an alcoholic, this is something to look at. Not just your consumption of booze but the underlying behaviour patterns you adopted to see you though your childhood.

So you may wish to make up & make amends now.

Bear in mind that there is more going on for each of you than you each/both may realise. This incident has just exposed a bit of that.

This "DP and I have been together for four years, both mid 30s, we don't live together "jumped out at me.

I suspect he isn't fully committed to this relationship and you've picked up on that.

but when we got in he was laughing at me during the argument, it's how he try's to get to me when we argue. That's nasty and abusive.

Tonight he went for dinner with a friend and told his friend what I'd said, no surprise his friend was disgusted. So it seems he can't keep your relationship private? Not good.

I think that this has run it's course.

Sorry OP

So he laughs a you when you argue regularly? I would have said something to hurt his feelings too.
You will get countless people telling you its unforgivable blah blah blah, but the truth is people say hurtful things when someone is hurting them, and laughing at them when they are upset.

Any justifications to him make it worse as does grovelling.

All you can do is apologise genuinely say how ashamed of yourself you are then act normally and say no more about it. Then it’s up to him whether he can continue with you or not.

Your numerous experiences with your mum’s harsh words when drinking and (teen) history of having a ‘sharp tongue’ and losing friends seem relevant. If you’ve repeatedly seen things said and done in the home as a DC, teen, it can sink in as a way to do things, and the behaviours become a ‘go to’.

This happened to me in a different way. As a DC, teen I behaved in some ways that initially I didn’t realise weren’t OK, as that’d been in my home, horrified others, and learned. Occasionally in my early 20s too.

Counselling could help with that kind of thing.

Also agree with the PP, perhaps this could just be an excuse for your boyfriend - if already ‘not that into you’ - to walk away and make you the bad guy.

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time here but it's the mumsnet way to pick the bones of an issue .

My view is we all say things at times we regret , have done now , in the past and will in the future . Whilst I think what you said was unkind you were drunk and who hasn't said something they regret .

I actually think the issue is more for your partner to deal with , he has to cope better when he hears things he doesn't like , and he will hear those things . You can't just run away .

He would be silly to throw something good away for the sake of a sentence and if he does do you really want a man who behaves like that . You seem very open and accepting of what you said being wrong but he also needs to get this parent issue resolved .

I don't think what you said was ok or excusable.

But I don't think this is a good relationship. He regularly laughs at you, that's a horrible thing especially in an argument. Mocking in arguments is verbal abuse. It's not nice. So if you do have a chat then you both need to sort out how to communicate respectfully.

Also I wouldn't be with someone who didn't give me the heads up about whether they slept with the friend you socialise with. I would feel like such an idiot and very blindsided.

@user12879982

You may find Al-Anon family groups helpful: al-anonuk.org.uk/

What you said was bad but he regularly mocks you and laughs at you when you argue.

So no argument you present is ever considered by him?

Nice way to avoid any discussion. He can shut down any attempt to discuss anything by mocking you.

Id be telling him you understand where he's coming from, a courtesy and a respect he's not showing you.

Being mocked when you're already upset is highly provocative for you id guess and so your awful comment brought the mockery and the laughter to a stop.

You should have to sink to these depths to get him to stop mocking you.

And now all the focus is on yr comment.

He won that round. Well done him.

Id be telling him "space? I neef that too"

I agree with Sweep, yes, you've both behaved badly but it is almost as if he is enjoying the drama and navel gazing of it all. He doesn't sound blameless at all. In my opinion it is common courtesy to just mention 'just to let you know X and I were in a brief relationship several years ago' before you all start socialising as a foursome. And he certainly shouldn't have laughed and dismissed it when you were (understandably) blindsided when you found out.

I'd cool things off if I were you, certainly don't go back grovelling to him ... you've apologised, you sound genuinely sorry ... now let him make the first move.

We've all said things we bitterly regret.

@gonnascreamsoon

Op, I don't agree it was 50/50 'until you said those words'.

It was STILL 50/50 AFTER you said those words too.

HE deliberately LAUGHED at YOUR distress. He CHOSE to demean you and pretend you were 'crazy', deliberately minimising your hurt feelings, rather than comfort you or reassure you. i.e YOUR distress and upset wasn't important to HIM, therefore was stupid, and even AMUSED him ffs !

It was BECAUSE he was dismissive of and even amused by your distress that YOU chose to intentionally cause HIM distress ! You did NOT just say what you did 'out of the blue' !

It's absolutely 50/50 in this scenario. HE chose to NOT tell you that his friends partner was an Ex. The 4 of you have been friends and have spent time together, and you have formed a 'friendship' with this woman/ couple which is based on lies. (The 'friendship' you form with a partners Ex is fundamentally different from the one you would form with a 'friend' ffs ! ) therefore you felt blindsided and felt like they were treating you without respect, like the only one who is not 'in on' a joke ! A bloody LONG joke !

I'd be apologizing for MY role in the argument, and for what I said, but ALSO expecting HIM to recognize HIS errors, and expect a heartfelt apology from HIM for his lack of compassion/empathy/understanding and for what HE did, i.e Hiding the past history with EX and then LAUGHING at MY distress !

This is a two way street, and neither of you are blameless, but he needs to recognise that it would never have happened if he'd been

1. Truthful/upfront about past relationship.
2. Understanding of your distress.
3. Had tried to comfort you instead of laughing at you.

So, although you were the one who 'hurt' him most , I'd not be bloody rushing in to repeatedly apologise either ! HE was the one who caused the whole bloody thing !!

This in spades.

Something I don't think anyone else has picked up on is that he forgave you. And then decided to rake it all up again with a friend and now needs space. I wonder if he'd told the friend that he'd been laughing at your distress? I expect not.

You lashed out to deliberately hurt him because he was mocking your pain. And I agree that mid 30s, not living together, is a bit shit or get off the pot moment.

It's interesting that so mainly people are painting him as the victim when I think he's anything but. He was trying to provoke a reaction. He got one and now you're the baddie.

I think you've had a ridiculously hard time here, it's almost sadly self sabotaging how you're cowering and practically inviting the roasting - good grief, you haven't murdered anyone.

You sound like a good person who has been through a lot of trauma, and your OH is not blameless here - being mocked and laughed at is awful, and I completely understand your upset at not being told about that woman. Why did he hide it?

We all say things in the heat of the moment - you're human. Please focus on yourself, self compassion, and a PP gave amazing advice about communication with your partner.

For what it's worth, my DH and I have been through really tough times (we both had previous trauma) and said things we regretted but we have an incredibly strong and happy marriage now because we never stopped talking things through, airing things, and finding healthier ways of being.

Good luck

Not sure if this helps (or not), my Dad died of cancer in 2018, I know he was proud of me and loved me, but he never really said it to my face in a father / son way.

If a partner had made that kind of comment a year after his death, I would have been upset, but not relationship ending upset, ( I think) now after almost 4 years, I would be okay with it.

If had felt my father never loved me, that would have been a relationship ending comment there and then, forget about everything else, as it just seems designed to wound.

As for going fwd, you obviously cannot take the words back, and you have already apologised, so you will have to wait out how he feels and go from there.

OP this doesn't need so much over analysing. You got drunk, you fucked up. We've all (apart from the perfect people on here of course) said or done something awful and stupid when too drunk. Let him stew for a bit but you're obviously a decent person and your boyfriend knows that - don't let him milk it forever.

Eh?

As an adult, I can’t imagine saying such thing to anybody, no matter how drunk or pissed off!
And to your partner?

I think it was very cruel & immature, not sure how you can come back from this really.

If I was your partner I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship with someone who uses my family trauma against me.

You should look into therapy for yourself OP

I was back to my normal lovely me

I dunno, I’m on the fence a bit, this sentance raised an alarm bell for me, who declares themselves lovely, and the second alarm bell is you knew what the argument was about but didn’t want to say, it wasn’t remotely petty.

He doesn’t need to tell you who he once had sex with years ago, it’s really none of your business, it’s private between him and her, I’m sorry, and causing a fight over it smacks of jealous and insecurity.

There is also an undertone of “he made me do it” by laughing at me, which is an abuser mantra.

And then to take something like his grief over his fathers death and their relationship and weaponise it, for me, is absolutely abusive. And it’s clear your pissed he told his mate, but don’t feel your in a position to have a go about that as well.

Why are you four years in and still just girlfriend and boyfriend, no living together, no commitment, no shared finances, nothing? Is there something there you’re biting down and hiding that’s causing you huge resentment or insecurity that came rushing out when you were drunk?

@Ricksteinsfishwife

I was back to my normal lovely me

I dunno, I’m on the fence a bit, this sentance raised an alarm bell for me, who declares themselves lovely, and the second alarm bell is you knew what the argument was about but didn’t want to say, it wasn’t remotely petty.

He doesn’t need to tell you who he once had sex with years ago, it’s really none of your business, it’s private between him and her, I’m sorry, and causing a fight over it smacks of jealous and insecurity.

There is also an undertone of “he made me do it” by laughing at me, which is an abuser mantra.

And then to take something like his grief over his fathers death and their relationship and weaponise it, for me, is absolutely abusive. And it’s clear your pissed he told his mate, but don’t feel your in a position to have a go about that as well.

Why are you four years in and still just girlfriend and boyfriend, no living together, no commitment, no shared finances, nothing? Is there something there you’re biting down and hiding that’s causing you huge resentment or insecurity that came rushing out when you were drunk?

It's abusive to laugh at someone in distress.

He doesn’t need to tell you who he once had sex with years ago, it’s really none of your business

I don't know.

I'm not insecure or jealous but I'd expect to be told of someone I was expected to socialise with regularly was someone he'd preciously slept with.

Otherwise it feels like a secret they were all in on and she was in the dark.

It's not big deal, and it wouldn't change how I felt abut the woman, but I'd want to know.

I wouldn't expect to be told if it was a woman we'd randomly bumped into when out and about but someone I was spending time woth, then yes. I'd want to know. And I'd extend the same courtesy back.

It's abusive to laugh at someone in distress

So what’s your point? It was his fault? He made her do it?