How can I take it back?

[user12879982]

I've done a pretty awful thing.

DP and I have been together for four years, both mid 30s, we don't live together but I spend 95% of my time at his place since covid. A year ago he lost his dad in a short battle with cancer, they had a difficult relationship and he has been having therapy about it since as never really felt very loved by his parents who have both passed in recent years.

Generally we have a great relationship, lots of fun, love and laughter. We spent a Sunday a few weeks ago out with friends and took the Monday off work as we knew there would be lots of alcohol involved.

On our way home we had a disagreement and neither of us can remember what it was over, it was very petty but when we got in he was laughing at me during the argument, it's how he try's to get to me when we argue.

I stormed off and said 'at least my dad loves me'. I'm horrified by these words, disgusted I ever said them and immediately regretted it and hugged him while he cried saying I didn't mean it at all. We woke up the next day, discussed it and I again apologised profusely. We've spent the last few weeks carrying on as normal and it hasn't come up since.

Tonight he went for dinner with a friend and told his friend what I'd said, no surprise his friend was disgusted. He's come home and said he needs space from me and the words have cut him deeply and he doesn't know how he feels. I've gone to my house and he has said he will see me on Thursday.

I'm normally a loving, kind, caring and compassionate person and feel this was completely out of character of me. In fact he comments on how nice everyone says I am including himself.

Anything anyone can suggest for me to rectify this? I really didn't mean what I said and stupidly picked the one thing I knew would get to him.

@Briefly

You poor thing. Well maybe this will have a soccer lining. Given the length of your relationship, if you do get some help, I would let him know when it's appropriate.

Thanks. My mother's behaviour taught me some great life skills such as resilience and independence but this incident really is so out of character of me there must be something underlying. I can't even talk to anyone IRL about it because I'm so ashamed.

@Hausa

I didn't want to drip feed but that evening I'd found out that he'd slept with a woman before we met who we now spend time with frequently as a couple

Why did this make you so angry? Why do you think it made you feel the need to be so nasty?

I felt like I'd been lied to, treated like the idiot at the table for the last four years. Initially I handled it well but when we got home he told me that it was all before he'd met me, he didn't need to tell me and then laughed at me for 'being crazy'. This is all out of character for him too, he's normally lovely but a lot of alcohol had been consumed that day.

I feel as though in that moment I saw 'red' and wanted to hurt him with words. As soon as I'd realised what I had said I wanted to take it back and was so sorry.

I honestly think you should just exit this relationship. Some words just can't be taken back. Sorry, that's not what you want to hear

@GreenLunchBox

I honestly think you should just exit this relationship. Some words just can't be taken back. Sorry, that's not what you want to hear

I appreciate this is a big mistake, but it's my first in four years. You really think there is no rectifying one drunken mistake?

I felt like I'd been lied to, treated like the idiot at the table for the last four years

Why, though? Had he lied to you? Did you provide each other with lists of past lovers and he left her off his? Is this a retroactive jealousy thing? I’m not really understanding the problem, here.

I think the only way to get past this as a couple is to work through it. Try to get together to the bottom of the sequence of events which led to your wanting to hurt your partner so badly.

There are quite a few things you need to address calmly and without any alcohol in the mix:

1. Why would you be bothered about something that happened between him and someone else before you were on the scene?
2. Why did you feel that it was humiliating for you? Why would it say anything about you in any way?
3. Why did he laugh at you? Was it because he was trying to hurt you or is he the kind of person who uses laughter to diffuse situations?
4. Why did you care that he was laughing at you? Was it because you thought he was deliberately doing it to try to hurt you or does it always bother you?

There is obviously a huge communication issue being masked here, I think you need to address (and resolve that) in order to move forward.

I think you need to have a really honest conversation with him now - “sorry I didn’t mean it” is so glib and not honest anyway. Maybe if you can sit down and explore with him why you said it - why his laughing during arguments makes you so angry and hurt that you lash out? And maybe time to get some counselling for you because clearly there are issues with your mother that need exploring.

Speaking as someone who is in the recess of working through the underlying relationship issues and communication style that has led to something often considered unforgivable on here (his affair) I would say that nothing can’t be forgiven with genuine love and remorse and honesty and a will to continue on both sides.

Process not recess

I would find it really strange that he hadn't previously had a thing with a mutual friend. I mean, it's so much the sort of thing that would normally come up in conversation that it creates an air of something to hide. And who the hell likes being laughed at!?!?

@CatherinedeBourgh

I think the only way to get past this as a couple is to work through it. Try to get together to the bottom of the sequence of events which led to your wanting to hurt your partner so badly.

There are quite a few things you need to address calmly and without any alcohol in the mix:

1. Why would you be bothered about something that happened between him and someone else before you were on the scene?
2. Why did you feel that it was humiliating for you? Why would it say anything about you in any way?
3. Why did he laugh at you? Was it because he was trying to hurt you or is he the kind of person who uses laughter to diffuse situations?
4. Why did you care that he was laughing at you? Was it because you thought he was deliberately doing it to try to hurt you or does it always bother you?

There is obviously a huge communication issue being masked here, I think you need to address (and resolve that) in order to move forward.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply, I'm really valuing the different perspectives.

To answer your questions:

I'm not bothered about past lovers, and neither is he with me. This is an old friend of his from school and since we met we've been doing things together as a four. Her husband knows about it and obviously so do the two of them, I just felt a bit blindsided when we spend so much time with the two of them I felt it was information he should have offered up to me much earlier on rather than me being the only one in the dark about the history.

He was laughing at me to hurt me, not to diffuse the situation, but because he knew it would get a reaction out of me. When he's done it in the past I've been controlled and walked away, let him reflect and then he's been reasonable and communicative again. This time was different, I think because of the alcohol involved and also how upset I was. Probably disproportionally upset due to said alcohol.

Communication is key, hopefully I can find a way in the next day or two to really express my regret for this.

If you have any suggestions I'm all ears x

@MissedItByThisMuch

I think you need to have a really honest conversation with him now - “sorry I didn’t mean it” is so glib and not honest anyway. Maybe if you can sit down and explore with him why you said it - why his laughing during arguments makes you so angry and hurt that you lash out? And maybe time to get some counselling for you because clearly there are issues with your mother that need exploring.

Speaking as someone who is in the recess of working through the underlying relationship issues and communication style that has led to something often considered unforgivable on here (his affair) I would say that nothing can’t be forgiven with genuine love and remorse and honesty and a will to continue on both sides.

Thank you, I will try and find my words in the next few days to communicate properly with him

@PoshPyjamas

I would find it really strange that he hadn't previously had a thing with a mutual friend. I mean, it's so much the sort of thing that would normally come up in conversation that it creates an air of something to hide. And who the hell likes being laughed at!?!?

Yes, I agree and still stand by that whilst regretting my choice of words.

Her and I met very early on, we got on well and we arranged the second meet. I understand why he hadn't told me so early on but I would've expected it after the first or second time I met her. He felt like the four of us got on well, and we do, and I can categorically say there is nothing going on between the two of them whatsoever now, but I just felt blindsided and reacted very poorly. But yes, I also don't appreciate being laughed at during an argument, rightly or wrongly.

I just felt a bit blindsided when we spend so much time with the two of them I felt it was information he should have offered up to me much earlier on rather than me being the only one in the dark about the history

Yes, but why? Why is this a problem (or any of your business)?

I think what you said was cruel. However, you were very drunk and very upset, and now seem genuinely penitent. This doesn’t seem insurmountable to me, and I don’t think it’s definitely over. But I do think you need to examine why you felt humiliated by the fact you didn’t know he’d slept with her and why this made you lash out. The reasons are important - if you don’t know why, you can’t truthfully promise it’ll never happen again (in my opinion).

You know what you did was horrible.

But like briefly said, something in the way he laughed at you when you asked for reassurance/answer regarding the situation you found yourself in clearly triggered something within.

You did not react well. To laugh at you was also nasty and so he isn’t entirely blame free here.

His past relationships/exploits are done with and some might argue that it is nothing to do with you. But I think that the problem here is that he didn’t tell you, everyone else is aware and you socialise frequently. He shouldn’t get to dismiss your concerns about suddenly finding that out by laughing at you.

Four years is a long time to be kept in the dark. If he’d have told you at the start it wouldn’t have been a big deal.

But to answer your question? You can’t take that back. It was too deep, too personal.

But like missed said, a meaningful conversation may help you both work through it.

OP I think the main issue here is the arguing, and given this comment “it's how he try's to get to me when we argue“...it appears it’s a regular thing?

An argument can often get toxic (even laughing, which you say he does) and both sides are culpable. Both of you were in the wrong, you just got the final blow this time. There’s no innocent party here.

That you are remorseful for what you said is a good first step, but he also needs to accept the role he played in the argument. It doesn’t look as though he’s doing that (telling his mate is another issue).

@Hausa

I just felt a bit blindsided when we spend so much time with the two of them I felt it was information he should have offered up to me much earlier on rather than me being the only one in the dark about the history

Yes, but why? Why is this a problem (or any of your business)?

I think what you said was cruel. However, you were very drunk and very upset, and now seem genuinely penitent. This doesn’t seem insurmountable to me, and I don’t think it’s definitely over. But I do think you need to examine why you felt humiliated by the fact you didn’t know he’d slept with her and why this made you lash out. The reasons are important - if you don’t know why, you can’t truthfully promise it’ll never happen again (in my opinion).

Am I wrong to feel as though on this occasion, this one previous lover, it is my business?

I wouldn't have him walk into a room and socialise, shake hands with an ex lover of mine completely oblivious to what everyone else in the rooms knows. I'd feel that was disrespectful to him and our relationship. I certainly wouldn't keep it a secret for four years. And I think him laughing at me during the argument made me feel as though my thoughts and feelings were being completely dismissed.

Something for me to work on and get better control over how I handle myself when faced with tough conversations that aren't going my way

@KellsBells77

OP I think the main issue here is the arguing, and given this comment “it's how he try's to get to me when we argue“...it appears it’s a regular thing?

An argument can often get toxic (even laughing, which you say he does) and both sides are culpable. Both of you were in the wrong, you just got the final blow this time. There’s no innocent party here.

That you are remorseful for what you said is a good first step, but he also needs to accept the role he played in the argument. It doesn’t look as though he’s doing that (telling his mate is another issue).

I feel so upset that he's told his friend, it's one thing if he can forgive me but I'm sure his friend will never look at me the same again or ever think I'm good enough for him now.

But I feel as though what I did was so wrong, so wrong, that I can't say anything about who he wants to talk to about this.

And I can't speak to anyone IRL about it as what i've said is so disgusting.

My list of questions was more things that you two should discuss together, explore how the things made you feel, try to get to the bottom of why they made you feel that way.

For example, do you have issues with feeling excluded/left out of things? Maybe finding out that the other three knew something you did not triggered those feelings? Helping him to understand how/why you were feeling how you were feeling (without making him responsible for your feelings) might help explain why the whole thing spiralled so badly out of control.

Another possibility, is do you at some level (not rational, of course) feel that you have supported him through his process and not received enough in exchange? Sometimes the person supporting the grieving person has to set aside a lot of their own feelings in order to create emotional space for the grief process, and that can take its toll, leading to resentments that then come out in horrible ways.

I don't know. I don't expect either of you to know at this stage either. But it all came from somewhere and sometimes trying to work through shit together, even if it can't be resolved, can really help a couple.

We all have a lot of emotional crap inside. Sometimes rummaging through it as a couple is the healthiest thing to do. Often when you identify things and can separate them from other things they become less important, and go away. Other times they don't, but it becomes easier for the other person to understand them and work around them.

I'm a big fan of talk, talk and talk. Agree beforehand that there will be no accusations, no blame and no defensiveness. That this particular conversation is about exploring feelings, not about rights and wrongs. That it is about sharing, not attributing responsibility. Agree that you will not come to any conclusions. Make it somewhere you are both comfortable, have a nice meal and just talk, talk and talk some more.

I don't know. It's always worked for us. And in the early days we could be incredibly brutal with each other, we were both fairly wounded individuals. But 30 years on we're still talking, understand each other really well, and if one of us was to say something awful the other would probably not take it personally, because they would understand where it came from. But we don't need to, because we never do say awful things to each other any more, because we are able to express our hurt in other ways.

Am I wrong to feel as though on this occasion, this one previous lover, it is my business?

Why is it your business?

I wouldn't have him walk into a room and socialise, shake hands with an ex lover of mine completely oblivious to what everyone else in the rooms knows. I'd feel that was disrespectful to him and our relationship

Why? Why would it be disrespectful?

I feel like I’ve gone ‘why?’ a rather annoying number of times and I apologise for that. I don’t think you’ve answered the question, but you don’t owe me a response. I will stop now, as I don’t think I’m helping.

Well, I think you've established that you can be as nasty as your mother when you're drinking for a start. He laughed at you being embarrassed, you went straight for the jugular.

Whether he's dumped you or not, no alcohol at all from now on seems to be a sensible solution to the person you've found out you are when you've had the filter on your brain and mouth lifted.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Well, I think you've established that you can be as nasty as your mother when you're drinking for a start. He laughed at you being embarrassed, you went straight for the jugular.

Whether he's dumped you or not, no alcohol at all from now on seems to be a sensible solution to the person you've found out you are when you've had the filter on your brain and mouth lifted.

ooouch that one hurt but I deserve it all right now.

Drinking less is absolutely the plan going forward regardless of what happens with him and I

I don’t think drinking less should be the plan. Your mum is an alcoholic and when you drink you lose control of what you say and behave in a manner that is self destructive. That should be a good wake up call to stop drinking alcohol at all - forget cutting down. You don’t need alcohol in your life.

I think his habit of laughing at you to upset you, or provoke a reaction, is pretty despicable. Maybe he needs to accept some responsibility for the argument.

OP I think you're getting a hard time here. My DP has a friend we spend time with who he's kissed before, and despite having an incredibly secure relationship (and with she and I being guided pals now!) I still feel a bit sensitive about it when he mentions her in some contexts.

We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment, i certainly do, and it's something that I am working on. And you can only do the same, and do your best. Go easy on yourself xx

& to add what PPs have said above. As much as you're apologizing for this, so he should be for cruelly laughing at you - this is awful and is a tactic designed to hurt. No different, essentially