How can I take it back?

[user12879982]

I've done a pretty awful thing.

DP and I have been together for four years, both mid 30s, we don't live together but I spend 95% of my time at his place since covid. A year ago he lost his dad in a short battle with cancer, they had a difficult relationship and he has been having therapy about it since as never really felt very loved by his parents who have both passed in recent years.

Generally we have a great relationship, lots of fun, love and laughter. We spent a Sunday a few weeks ago out with friends and took the Monday off work as we knew there would be lots of alcohol involved.

On our way home we had a disagreement and neither of us can remember what it was over, it was very petty but when we got in he was laughing at me during the argument, it's how he try's to get to me when we argue.

I stormed off and said 'at least my dad loves me'. I'm horrified by these words, disgusted I ever said them and immediately regretted it and hugged him while he cried saying I didn't mean it at all. We woke up the next day, discussed it and I again apologised profusely. We've spent the last few weeks carrying on as normal and it hasn't come up since.

Tonight he went for dinner with a friend and told his friend what I'd said, no surprise his friend was disgusted. He's come home and said he needs space from me and the words have cut him deeply and he doesn't know how he feels. I've gone to my house and he has said he will see me on Thursday.

I'm normally a loving, kind, caring and compassionate person and feel this was completely out of character of me. In fact he comments on how nice everyone says I am including himself.

Anything anyone can suggest for me to rectify this? I really didn't mean what I said and stupidly picked the one thing I knew would get to him.

Gosh, there seems to be an awful lot of people on here who have never done or said anything they are ashamed of.
To summarise, you both got shredded. You discovered a previous relationship that he had lied by omission about and that made you feel uncomfortable and like you were the only one who didn’t know. You felt a bit foolish I think, as I would too. For what it’s worth, I would not be happy to discover something like this about my DH. Unfortunately because you were both pissed, he did not deal with it very appropriately (the laughing IS cruel) and your response to that was way, way over the top and downright unkind. But, it is, quite clearly a one off and not in your nature - the way you are castigating yourself about it clearly shows that. I would go and see him on Thursday and tell him how you felt. It is in absolutely NO WAY an excuse to say something as hurtful as you did but, you were both pissed, your judgement was way off (both of you) and you are deeply and truly remorseful. If he is unable to move past it, that would be a shame, but personally, I think we have all done and said things we are ashamed of, particularly with drink involved. Hopefully, you can forgive each other and move on.

There is also an undertone of “he made me do it” by laughing at me, which is an abuser mantra.

She also said that laughing at her is something he often does to her to try amd provoke am argument.

You need to read things in context and not take them in isolation.

Agree, introducing you and encouraged couple’s socialising with a ‘friend’ whom he’d had a sexual relationship with and her boyfriend, and didn’t tell you, that was off IMO.

It could well be reactionary abuse @Ricksteinsfishwife and it's well known that some abusers wind their victim up on purpose to then use their reactions as proof to the world that they're being abused.

My ex kept threatening to leave me. Again and again. I finally snapped and told him to leave and started taking his clothes out the wardrobe. He then filmed me. He followed me around the house poking at me to get a reaction to show the world what sort of person I was. Yes we're all responsible for our own reactions but everyone has a breaking point unless you're a Buddhist monk.

oh OP, you've come in for a pasting here, but I can't help reading it slightly differently. This might be really wide off the mark (only you can tell if it resonates), and I'm not sure I have the words to express it clearly, but what he's doing reminds me of something my first (ex!) husband used to do. Something I've never tried to describe before, and wasn't sure if I was imagining at the time.

He was cruel. He enjoyed belittling my feelings. But most of all, he enjoyed me suffering. And he would goad and provoke me into acting out of character, so that he could then play the upper hand and watch me wriggle in distress.

Something like this would have been like dealing him an ace, which he would definitely keep tucked up his sleeve to play to his advantage. Your DP, for example, has already used it against you with his friend, in what to me sounds like a potentially sinister process of gradually capturing the moral high ground, undermining you and seizing control.

Yes, what you said was shitty, but we can all talk shit when drunk. Alcohol is famous for it. My mental image of him roaring in your face, though, is seriously disturbing.

Be very careful that having you prostrate with remorse like this isn't just the way he enjoys seeing you.

For those stating there could be something underlying about us not living together etc, it's always been my choice, I have a flat in the city I work in and stay there once a week max if I have meetings, some weeks not at all. I bring a case to my flat and all of my belongings are at 'his' house that I moved into in 2020. I was ok with it all until now when he's asked for some space and it's been made obvious that house isn't mine. Admittedly I'm in the office today so it was 50/50 as to whether or not I was coming back here last night anyway.

I have no jealousy towards the other woman, I really don't, just feel a little embarrassed that I've been in the dark about this for all of this time.

I’ve not read the whole thread yet but I had a partner whose go to during an argument was to mock and laugh at me. I find it spiteful, a way of attempting shut a person down and put them back in their box and in the past I also saw red. It used to wind me up and then he’d say “see? Look at the state of you.” Before laughing at me more.

So a bit of sympathy and I can understand why you felt compelled to lash out at him, especially after a skinful.

@Alcemeg It's not quite that because he genuinely doesn't enjoy confrontation at all but he doesn't seem to have much emotion, towards anything so there are two parts:

1. I think I chose to say something so truly hurtful because I felt nothing else would have an impact
2. When I try and express any of my emotions he can't relate at all. He shrugs them off, says I'm being silly, laughs but I honestly don't think I've ever heard him acknowledge how his actions or words may affect me so I don't think it's so much that he tries to get a reaction out of me, I think he doesn't know how to relate and the laughter only happens if he's been drinking

How did you confront him about the ex? What exactly did you say? Were you shouting and aggressive?

You said above he only laughs at you when drinking - could it be nervous laughter or not knowing how to react?
I'm sorry, I still don't think it excuses what you said. Quite shocked at some of the replies absolving you of responsibility to be honest.
Laughing at someone shouting at you when you're drunk isn't the same as saying something deliberately horrendous.

So he never acknowledges your feelings? He belittles and mocks you.

What is it that you love about him?

@ladydimitrescu

How did you confront him about the ex? What exactly did you say? Were you shouting and aggressive?

No, I didn't shout at all. We were in a taxi home when I confronted him but I was quiet about it and embarrassed if the taxi driver heard.

He kept saying I was being ridiculous, I didn't need to know and when we got home was when I tried to have the conversation again and he was laughing over my talking. I didn't raise my voice at all.

@Ricksteinsfishwife

Why are you four years in and still just girlfriend and boyfriend, no living together, no commitment, no shared finances, nothing? Is there something there you’re biting down and hiding that’s causing you huge resentment or insecurity that came rushing out when you were drunk?

^ My thoughts entirely

@ladydimitrescu

You said above he only laughs at you when drinking - could it be nervous laughter or not knowing how to react? I'm sorry, I still don't think it excuses what you said. Quite shocked at some of the replies absolving you of responsibility to be honest. Laughing at someone shouting at you when you're drunk isn't the same as saying something deliberately horrendous.

Not that this excuses it but just so you can understand the laughter, it wasn't a nervous laughter, he isn't a nervous person.

It was a HAHAHAHAHA loudly in my face while I was explaining my feelings about it. I then turned around, walked away and said what I said.

Just split up - it's clearly a terrible relationship. He doesn't listen to you, you come up with the most hurtful thing you can to get your own back. You're both clearly miserable.

I think he sounds like a bit of a dick. He hid something from you. He was laughing over you trying to talk to him. He is not interested when you talk to him about how you feel about anything. I sort of understand you wanting to get a reaction. I’m not condoning what you said, but I get it.

@ladydimitrescu

Just split up - it's clearly a terrible relationship. He doesn't listen to you, you come up with the most hurtful thing you can to get your own back. You're both clearly miserable.

It was a drunken argument that got out of hand, I haven't explained in detail our four years but for the most part it's been wonderful and we get along so well. This feels like a bit of an anomaly, normally if he were to laugh at me when i'm explaining my feelings and he's had a drink, I ignore, go to bed and we discuss it in the morning. He knows it winds me up and I think when he's drunk he wants a reaction, then next day he'll generally apologise for it.

I do feel for you op. Some posters on here seem to forget we all make mistakes.
I think, for what its worth that maybe a little space, as your partner requested might help both of you. I am teetotal but have many friends and close family who drink a lot. There is a point in an evening or lunch with them when I realise the alcohol has affected them to such an extent that I discount pretty much everything they say. This is just a practical observation. I can't drink I didn't quit for moral or health reasons but I am so glad I can't drink. Alcohol is not anyone's friend.
Take it easy on yourself.

I was planning to be sympathetic to the OP but I have to be honest, when I saw what she said I gasped a bit.

When your parents don't love you properly, your deepest and scariest fear is that you're essentially unloveable. That's what you spiral into when other things in life are going to shit, that's what keeps you awake at night and that's what makes you lash out. And it's so hard to vocalise because it's not rational.

Your DP didn't get over it as you thought he did, and he didn't tell his friend for the sake of bitching about you. He recovered from the initial shock of hearing those words but they kept playing back in his mind and to put it bluntly you were no longer his safe space that he could trust to talk it through with. So he talked to his friend instead. The context of that conversation was almost certainly not "lol my girlfriend is such a bitch" but "why am I still so hurt by this".

What makes it worse is that it wasn't even connected to what you were arguing about. You changed the subject from your partner's previous lovelife to his dad never loving him - at that point you weren't even interested in winning your actual argument, just in hurting him.

All you can do is own it, own the damage you've alluded to in your own life that made this the option you chose, and leave the ball in his court. You might get dumped, sorry. You essentially told him he was unloveable. That's the kind of comment that he might try to put a brave face on and move past but it always plays back in your mind.

Absolutely pay zero attention to the posters attempting to relitigate whether he should have told you about the ex-girlfriend or whatever she was. I don't know if I could forgive the comment, but if someone tried to justify it in any way or bring up the original argument that would absolutely be the end of any relationship I had with them.

I've done this OP, I feel your pain. I'm sorry but I still think about the awful thing I said and it was fifteen years ago!

I don't get why people are minimising the laughing in your face. It's a terrible thing to do and basically showing contempt for your feelings. Being able to deal with conflict and disagreements in a respectful way is a massive part of healthy relationships and he's not demonstrated he can do that.

Maybe people who are very secure in themselves and have had very loving parents can shrug this kind of thing off, or maybe who've dealt with their past hurts by becoming very closed off. But you've had a painful childhood and it's obviously going to trigger you. When we're triggered we go right back to the past and react from that point rather than from our adult place.

I'm not excusing what you said, and nor do I need to because you're taking responsibility, but I'm also not going to excuse him either for his behaviour, and he's not taking any responsibility. You were both triggering each other's wounds, and that's not kind of either of you.

Have you tried to explain to him that it's hurtful to you when he laughs in your face? If you have and he still does it then I'm wondering if this is an unhealthy relationship for you.

Therapy will be able to explore this for you. Make sure you see a relational therapist, not a CBT one.

[quote user12879982]@Alcemeg It's not quite that because he genuinely doesn't enjoy confrontation at all but he doesn't seem to have much emotion, towards anything so there are two parts:

1. I think I chose to say something so truly hurtful because I felt nothing else would have an impact
2. When I try and express any of my emotions he can't relate at all. He shrugs them off, says I'm being silly, laughs but I honestly don't think I've ever heard him acknowledge how his actions or words may affect me so I don't think it's so much that he tries to get a reaction out of me, I think he doesn't know how to relate and the laughter only happens if he's been drinking [/quote]

I think this is a really unhealthy relationship actually. I think you should give up alcohol completely, to be honest. I also think you should give up him. He was completely out of order not telling you about the girl and laughing at you when you are upset is absolutely horrible.

@GreyCarpet

He doesn’t need to tell you who he once had sex with years ago, it’s really none of your business

I don't know.

I'm not insecure or jealous but I'd expect to be told of someone I was expected to socialise with regularly was someone he'd preciously slept with.

Otherwise it feels like a secret they were all in on and she was in the dark.

It's not big deal, and it wouldn't change how I felt abut the woman, but I'd want to know.

I wouldn't expect to be told if it was a woman we'd randomly bumped into when out and about but someone I was spending time woth, then yes. I'd want to know. And I'd extend the same courtesy back.

This isn't the point of the thread but how exactly would you bring that up in conversation?

"We're going to meet some of my friends, by the way I fucked one of them 10 years ago"?
"Meet my friend X, by the way we fucked 10 years ago"?
"Oh by the way, that friend you met today, we fucked 10 years ago"?

It's just not something that comes up naturally! If you really want to know you ask your partner "so, did you and her have something going on in the past" and they shouldn't lie. But it's not info you volunteer when it isn't requested.

Three people knowing something that you don't doesn't equate to a private joke or them laughing behind your book FFS, that's ridiculous.

normally if he were to laugh at me when i'm explaining my feelings and he's had a drink, I ignore, go to bed and we discuss it in the morning. He knows it winds me up and I think when he's drunk he wants a reaction

Well, he got a reaction this time!

If he plans to hold it against you for ever, I don't think that's fair or kind.

I must say it sounds like a rather toxic dynamic, drink or no drink.

I think you know this OP but this is a Will Smith/Chris Rock situation. Nobody has clean hands in it but you were the Will Smith - the response was disproportionate and deeply wounding I think if there is enough love and trust built up between you, the relationship might survive but there are problems there that need sorting. His provoking you, your deeply wounding reaction to that provocation. But people do make mistakes all the time, relationships do recover from breaches of trust. Both of you need time and need to work on your own issues.