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Original poster

My DH and the woman from work

334 replies

ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 11:50

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

OP posts:
planetme · 03/04/2022 11:52

Kick him out and change the locks

Hop27 · 03/04/2022 11:54

He's fucking her. He's told you so he can blame her when he gets caught out. Kick him out now.

AgathaX · 03/04/2022 11:57

I'm not surprised you're angry. He's put no boundaries in place and continues to encourage her behaviour.
Deleting messages is a cop out, he should be blocking her. He should have left her in no doubt that her advances were inappropriate and unwanted, but he hasn't.
Does he know how upset and angry you are?

drpet49 · 03/04/2022 11:58

** a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.**

^Id report her for sexual harassment. Works both ways

Kitkat151 · 03/04/2022 11:59

@Hop27

He's fucking her. He's told you so he can blame her when he gets caught out. Kick him out now.
This
ExplodingCarrots · 03/04/2022 11:59

The deleted messages tell you everything you need to know . That was the point the boundaries were crossed . He'd be out if it were me .

notapizzaeater · 03/04/2022 12:01

Regardless of anything that might or might or have happened the fact you where even considering checking up on him on the iPad means the trust is gone so for your own sanity cut the rope.

LizzieSiddal · 03/04/2022 12:02

What’s their work relationship? If she’s his boss he might think he can’t block her but he should be doing that and he should be going to HR.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 03/04/2022 12:07

Here we have (yet) more examples from the Cheater's Handbook.

"It wasn't my fault, she came on to me, I didn't know what to do etc etc"
Err how about 'No' ?

"I deleted the texts because I didn't want you to worry"

^ that is the biggest load of $h!£ since Noah mucked out his Ark.

Take legal advice OP, he's having an affair under your nose and taking you for a fool.

"I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive."

I'd do just that ^ to see what your up against, but of course don't tell him...

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

supercali77 · 03/04/2022 12:07

Its all wrong. You shouldn't have to be checking his ipad.....im curious. Why did you not make it a condition of being with you that he doesnt continue to privately message her or hang out alone? Its a totally normal thing to request if she's making sexual advances.

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 12:08

@supercali77 I did!

OP posts:
DebtheSander · 03/04/2022 12:10

@Hop27

He's fucking her. He's told you so he can blame her when he gets caught out. Kick him out now.
This. I’m so sorry but he is lying to you. At the very least, he enjoys the attention he gets from this woman and is actively encouraging it by having contact outside of work. Bit most likely, he has already done stuff.
Derbee · 03/04/2022 12:26

I agreee with PP. He’s sleeping with her

AgentJohnson · 03/04/2022 12:51

He didn’t want to worry you, yeah that’s why he’s hiding contact with a woman whose propositioned him, to protect you.

You can’t stop him disrespecting you but you can not be around him when he does it. He needs to go, his priority is his ego/ dick.

Hopefullyoneday12 · 03/04/2022 12:53

Sounds unlikely that it's all her.
That rarely happens.
He is most likely fully cooperating in and enjoying the flirtation.

I would assume he is telling you the bare minimum too.

Burnlamour · 03/04/2022 14:43

Would be very unusual for a woman to continue to flirt with and make advances towards, a man who made it very clear that he was off limits.
He's entertaining this.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 03/04/2022 14:49

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive

How is getting to the truth not constructive?

You should absolutely do this.

HellToTheNope · 03/04/2022 14:53

Your husband is cheating.

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2022 15:27

I'd message her. I'd ask her woman to woman, why she was messaging my husband and propositioning him and did she not know he was married. She might come back at you and tell you that he told her you two were not together anymore. Or that you only stay together for the kids.

Yes it's possible that she might lie but, more than likely she'll fill in some gaps either way. Ask her directly. And don't warn him first.

Tbh though op, he wouldnt be going on work nights out if he was actually fussed about her behaviour. At best,he enjoys it. At worst, he is shagging her.

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 16:52

Thank you for your input - I'm reeling a bit

I've known about this for months but not felt a thing

I'm in recovery and also therapy so I guess this is my feelings surfacing or maybe recognising my worth

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 03/04/2022 16:58

I think if he was honest with you and not speaking to her out with working hours then I’d believe him.
The fact that he’s said she’s openly made these comments and he’s still messaging her means he likes the attention.
Deleting the messages is dodgy- if he didn’t like it and wasn’t responding then he would report her for harassment.
I’d question him more- don’t connect to his account as he will blame you accuse you of pushing him away.
Be honest and say you don’t believe what he is saying and think there’s more going on. Don’t give him a heads up about talking to him, just ask when he is home.

MySausageRollsDownTheHill · 03/04/2022 17:20

No it’s not right for you to check his messages
It’s not right if he’s cheating on you
Talk to him

HollowTalk · 03/04/2022 17:34

Whatever you do put yourself first. It's fantastic you're in recovery but don't let that man set you back. 💐

Iamshe · 03/04/2022 17:41

If there was nothing to worry about then why delete them.....

NotaCoolMum · 03/04/2022 17:42

Why would he be “wracked with guilt” unless he has something to feel guilty about? Sorry op 🌻