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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH and the woman from work

334 replies

ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 11:50

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

OP posts:
Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 04/04/2022 04:03

I can't sleep and have cried a lot

I'm dreading my puffy eyes tomorrow and the kids knowing something wrong

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 04/04/2022 04:14

I'm a complete people pleaser and have a really poor sense of self / ability to truly feel my emotions after a life time of having to be what others needed me to be to keep safe (another reason for therapy) I can't bring myself to cause more devastation telling her husband and putting the same pain on to her kids

^ he's taken advantage of your past making you vulnerable and is blaming you. Lack of sex is a totally acceptable reason to end a marriage, not cheat.

If I had cancer I'd want to know that the person playing the doting spouse was actually a cheating arse and would want the chance to ensure I spent my remaining time free of their lies and to change my will!

The devastation is caused by him. Not you.

sjxoxo · 04/04/2022 06:22

She’s still messaging after s year? She’s carried on for a reason - because she’s been encouraged and I expect your DH has responded positively.. regardless of your own issues whatever has gone on between them for the last year is unacceptable and a at betrayal. X

spotcheck · 04/04/2022 06:42

I would normally be first to say 'leave'...
But ...

Well done for addressing your drinking and the issues underneath.
Has the dynamic of your relationship greatly changed? How much did the drinking impact him and the family? Was his previous role in the relationship removed due to the change in dynamic?
Of course his reaction shouldn't be to throw his dick into someone else's mouth.

I don't think it's an 'excuse' or that you should forgive him, but is counseling an option?

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 04/04/2022 06:50

@spotcheck my drinking was mostly an internal rock bottom , nobody had really much idea - he was surprised and has said a few times he didn't think I was alcoholic

We had sex more when I was drinking

OP posts:
secretsqizzle · 04/04/2022 07:01

MN is so black and white. It's like people don't realise that you are a real person living a real life OP.
Please don't be influenced either way by gung ho keyboard warriors who want you to LTB .. 'just dump him' .. 'get rid' . Or forgive and move on.

Take some time. Discuss with your therapist. Consider seeing a specialist relationship counsellor alone to help you process your thoughts.

There is no right or wrong. Leaving and starting afresh is just as valid as staying and rebuilding. You just need to take your time and try to make the right decision for you and your children.

springtimeishereagain · 04/04/2022 07:23

Op, you are so strong. Well done on giving up drinking and doing counselling. That is hard - both of them.

No advice, just hugs and 💐

Only you know what is best for you.

BreatheAndFocus · 04/04/2022 07:26

They both realised a month ago they’d “made a mistake”? Did they? Or is this another lie? Did she end it out of guilt and so he’s now pretending your his soulmate simply because he has no other option?

I’d tell her husband for sure. You know and you’re able to make a decision about how to move forward, but he doesn’t know and he’s disadvantaged by that.

My ex-H cheated with a colleague. The emotional betrayal was worse than the sexual betrayal. I divorced him because what I thought we had was obviously a fantasy. Take your time, ignore his protestations and love-bombing, and do what’s best for you, whatever that might be. xx

Rememberitwell · 04/04/2022 07:28

Are you sure it’s ended? What about the night out they had on Saturday? That’s got to be more than a coincidence.

Grasping · 04/04/2022 07:30

I’ve been in your position OP 💐

Your focus should be you and only you.
Do not turn to alcohol, you’ve come so far!

It’s ok to not make any decisions. You don’t have to and any decision now will be a knee jerk as you’re in shock.

It sounds like you have all had an emotional few years and life has been hard. It helps to find reasons for this affair. Absolutely not excuses, there are no excuses, but reasons really helped me/us. They have both made bad decisions, but that doesn’t make them bad people.

We made it through. Life is good for us now

stairgates · 04/04/2022 07:30

Sorry you are going through this, as Pp said take time, talk it through with your counsellor if you want it kept private for a while or family if you can.

LizzieSiddal · 04/04/2022 07:52

Take some time. Discuss with your therapist. Consider seeing a specialist relationship counsellor alone to help you process your thoughts.

This is excellent advice. You’re in shock at the moment, take a deep breath, get through each day and see your therapist.

THEDEACON · 04/04/2022 08:29

You are worth more than this Don't be sorry for him it's his doing he's causing your pain I would make him leave and suffer the consequence of his actions How dare she ask you not to tell her husband she has caused any pain he will feel I would tell him but that's me None of this is your fault !

Lalliella · 04/04/2022 08:36

@secretsqizzle

MN is so black and white. It's like people don't realise that you are a real person living a real life OP. Please don't be influenced either way by gung ho keyboard warriors who want you to LTB .. 'just dump him' .. 'get rid' . Or forgive and move on.

Take some time. Discuss with your therapist. Consider seeing a specialist relationship counsellor alone to help you process your thoughts.

There is no right or wrong. Leaving and starting afresh is just as valid as staying and rebuilding. You just need to take your time and try to make the right decision for you and your children.

This is excellent advice OP.

You need time to process this and discuss it with your husband and decide what’s best for you to do. It’s very easy for people reading this to type LTB on their keyboards but this is someone’s actual life, and it might not be best for you to do that.

People can and do get past these situations. You sound like an incredibly strong woman who has dealt with a lot already. A massive well done to you for not drinking when you found out, that must have been really tough.

Don’t do anything hasty, hear him out, go to counselling together, talk it all through. Then proceed forwards on your terms. I’m so sorry this has happened to you Flowers

Lalliella · 04/04/2022 08:39

Also, I wouldn’t tell her husband. Having cancer is enough to deal with, it’s not going to help him to find out his wife has had an affair and potentially lose his family and be on his own. As long as it truly is over and she truly does regret it.

Lalliella · 04/04/2022 08:41

By the way (sorry I keep thinking of more) I have two friends whose husbands had affairs and they continued in the marriage and are fine now. It was tough, but they got through it.

Beautiful3 · 04/04/2022 08:43

You've done so well, working on yourself and still being sober. Ghe best thingbuou can do is separate. Tell the woman's husband, teach her a lesson for having affairs. Explain what's going on, to the children in a calm and nice way.

jacks11 · 04/04/2022 08:46

Op

I agree you should take time to work out your feelings and what you want to do from here- it could be that you end the relationship or you might want to stay and try to work through it. Or separate and work through things whilst living apart. All are valid options and nobody on here can tell you what you should do as they have no idea what is right for you. But this is so raw that i don’;t think you should rush to any long-term decisions now- take your time and don’t be rushed.

I would echo another pp who said whilst there are definitely no excuses for what he did, it might help you to understand why it happened. It might help you to decide whether you want to try to work through it or not.

It could be that he’s just a selfish idiot who thought he’d get away with it, so took an opportunity when it presented itself. And then didn’t have the guts to admit it, so tried to lie further to cover it up. Or it could be more complicated than that…
… It sounds like you’ve been through a lot in your life, and things have been particularly tough recently- it’s really positive that’s you’ve sought help for your problems and working through the trauma of your past. It’s no easy thing to do, so it’s to your immense credit and testament to your strength that you have got this far. However, whilst I have no doubt that it’s been hardest for you, such situations don’t just impact the sufferer- they can significantly impact on their partner and children- and wider family sometimes. It can place strains on the relationship, change relationship dynamics and so on. Sometimes the partner doesn’t feel able to address issues within the relationship for fear of destabilising the situation or making things worse. Of course, there are appropriate ways to deal with those issues- none of which include infidelity and lying- so I’m definitely not saying this to lay blame at your door because his decisions and actions are his responsibility, and his alone. I say them to point out that the reason he has done this might be complicated and understanding why he did this might help you even if you decide to end the relationship. I know understanding the reasons helped a friend in a similar situation. They separated and then decided to try to work on things with a counsellor and are back together and are happy. That might not be the right thing for you, but it might be something to discuss with your therapist?

Mindymomo · 04/04/2022 08:47

No advice from me, but sorry you and your family are going through this. Look after yourself and your DC.

MigsandTiggs · 04/04/2022 08:49

(flowers) OP, I am so sorry for the position you are in. I used to live as an expat in a poorish country where women threw themselves at foreign men, married or not, and when us wives had the "would you want us to tell you if we find out your husband's cheating" discussion, I said yes. A good friend said no, as she would be too devastated.
You are not at fault here, as many men in a similar position would not have chosen to have an affair, and a work one at that. What happens when they meet at work now? Believe me, his work colleagues all know about the affair too. We knew when two married managers at work had an affair.

(flowers) Don't worry about having a pity party now, as it's one way of coping; just don't stay there too long. I agree, talk it over with your therapist, but be aware that even if you forgive him, that break in trust could still mean the end of your marriage further down the line.

I would tell the other husband. And yours has to tell you where he's going on future work do's. Actions have consequences, and his, if you opt to stay with him is that you install a tracking app on his phone.

You can also recover deleted messages on a phone.
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.macworld.com/article/234919/how-to-recover-deleted-text-messages-on-iphone.htmlwww.androidauthority.com/recover-deleted-text-messages-android-694641/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.macworld.com/article/234919/how-to-recover-deleted-text-messages-on-iphone.htmlwww.androidauthority.com/recover-deleted-text-messages-android-694641/

I would insist on seeing the deleted messages as that would give you a better idea of whether it was just sex as he's making it out to be, or a strong, emotional affair. But then that's me.

natureshere · 04/04/2022 08:51

Please don’t tell her husband. I have a friend whose battled cancer for over a year, now dying, and I can’t imagine how utterly devastatingly traumatic this news would have been. Just don’t do it.

Lalliella · 04/04/2022 08:58

@Beautiful3

You've done so well, working on yourself and still being sober. Ghe best thingbuou can do is separate. Tell the woman's husband, teach her a lesson for having affairs. Explain what's going on, to the children in a calm and nice way.
What lesson would it teach the husband with cancer @Beautiful3 to get such news?
CambsAlways · 04/04/2022 09:34

I feel for you op I’d be spitting feathers, why is her number still in his phone, and why not block her! I think he’s as much to blame as her and trying to cover his tracks by telling you!

Moodycow78 · 04/04/2022 09:36

Oh hon what are you going to do? If you tell the DH (and I'd be very tempted to Tbh) remember it's your DH and the OW who have caused the upset not you! The most important thing is that you stay off the drink, you've done bloody brilliantly with everything you've been through. Decide what would be best for YOUR mental health and do that xx