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Original poster

My DH and the woman from work

334 replies

ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 11:50

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 04/04/2022 09:36

@Lalliella it is always better to tell the truth to all concerned. The cancer could be a lie, it could be small and treatable, etc. Who knows. I would much rather know the truth. Probably they'd work it out. But they would know what happened, learn from it and hopefully never do it again. I have disabled siblings, the amount of shielding people do is unreal. They are in their 50s, people would rather lie to them than tell them bad news. Sometimes I'd tell them as they'd be asking me for the truth. Disabled/ill people deserve to be treated like others. They can process it and work it through.

Lampzade · 04/04/2022 09:37

@secretsqizzle

MN is so black and white. It's like people don't realise that you are a real person living a real life OP. Please don't be influenced either way by gung ho keyboard warriors who want you to LTB .. 'just dump him' .. 'get rid' . Or forgive and move on.

Take some time. Discuss with your therapist. Consider seeing a specialist relationship counsellor alone to help you process your thoughts.

There is no right or wrong. Leaving and starting afresh is just as valid as staying and rebuilding. You just need to take your time and try to make the right decision for you and your children.

Great advice
Woodandsky · 04/04/2022 09:46

I've been here, its a nightmare.

Take things slowly, tell one or two people you really trust that want the best for you. You can tell everyone else (including your kids and her husband) later if you want to. Right now you don't need to be dealing with anyone else's drama you need to be focusing on yourself - take some time to try to process things.

Definitely talk to your counsellor, I had Relate counselling and it was fantastic, allowed me to finally see the truth of our relationship and stand up for myself.

We did make it and stayed together, it was very hard but we have a much better relationship now and I'm glad that I didn't shout it from the rooftops at the time, that would have been hard to come back from. It's over 3 years now and I still find it unbearable sometimes, but nothing in life is easy, take your time to decide what's right for you.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 04/04/2022 09:50

Tell the husband and name her in your divorce.

MayMorris · 04/04/2022 09:51

@drpet49

** a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him and propositioned him for sex.**

^Id report her for sexual harassment. Works both ways

This. If it is unwanted and frequent and will not stop if he asked, then he needs to report to HR or his manager to say he has asked her to stop and she won’t. That becomes a disciplinary matter. It is sexual harassment If he hasn’t done this, he’s lying to you, covering his arse by saying it’s unwanted. He isn’t just being unfaithful he is gaslighting you. Ask him for evidence he’s gone to HR or his manager about this.
BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 04/04/2022 09:52

@Woodandsky

I've been here, its a nightmare.

Take things slowly, tell one or two people you really trust that want the best for you. You can tell everyone else (including your kids and her husband) later if you want to. Right now you don't need to be dealing with anyone else's drama you need to be focusing on yourself - take some time to try to process things.

Definitely talk to your counsellor, I had Relate counselling and it was fantastic, allowed me to finally see the truth of our relationship and stand up for myself.

We did make it and stayed together, it was very hard but we have a much better relationship now and I'm glad that I didn't shout it from the rooftops at the time, that would have been hard to come back from. It's over 3 years now and I still find it unbearable sometimes, but nothing in life is easy, take your time to decide what's right for you.

Nah. Dont do this.

Have self worth and self respect. Do not stay with someone who cheats and lies. They will do it again. Theyll just be better at hiding it.

There are thousands of men out there would which suit you. You dont need to keep scraping the bottom of the barrel with this man for the rest of your life.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 04/04/2022 09:53

@MayMorris

Yeah. It has moved on a bit from there. At least read the OP's posts.

MayMorris · 04/04/2022 09:55

Yeh..realised that 🤦‍♀️🥴

Bookworm20 · 04/04/2022 09:59

Oh OP, I'm so sorry.
You must be going through hell. Caused by your DH who should be your rock, not the person who destroys you.

Are they both so so sorry because they have been caught out? If it ended a month ago have they had zero contact in that month? I doubt it.
Also he told you this a year ago, its been going on since then. What you know if likely only the tip of the iceburg - you've been told the absolute minimum.
And now they are guilting you into not telling the OW husband.

Its up to you what you do there, but I think he has a right to know. On top of cancer thats going to be monumentaly awful but he should have the right to make the decision himself of staying with his wife or not.
If she was so scared of hurting her DH she wouldn't have sucked another mans dick, would she? Think if it was you, would you want him to tell you if he found out first? I know I'd want to know, cancer or not.
I'd want to know if the person supposedly caring for me was lying and cheating on me, and he will find out eventually, these things have a habit of coming out the woodwork sooner or later.

In the mean time, take care of you. get him to leave, and focus on you and the dc. And remember, HE has done this, not you. if he had issues with the lack of intimacy he should have spoken with you about it. If it was so serious he had an affair he should have done the more honorable thing and left before embarking on that. But he chose to hurt you instead.

And be prepared for the script. the crying, the begging, the not his fault, then when that doesn't work it'll be your fault, you drove him to it, then be prepared for the rewrite of history - that he never loved you. Its all lies.

Lalliella · 04/04/2022 10:03

[quote Beautiful3]@Lalliella it is always better to tell the truth to all concerned. The cancer could be a lie, it could be small and treatable, etc. Who knows. I would much rather know the truth. Probably they'd work it out. But they would know what happened, learn from it and hopefully never do it again. I have disabled siblings, the amount of shielding people do is unreal. They are in their 50s, people would rather lie to them than tell them bad news. Sometimes I'd tell them as they'd be asking me for the truth. Disabled/ill people deserve to be treated like others. They can process it and work it through.[/quote]
It’s not always better. Life is not as black and white as that. Imagine if he dies in a year’s time say. How do you think he would like to spend that last year? Thinking he had a loving caring wife, or not? Sometimes the truth is not the best thing.

Mix56 · 04/04/2022 10:29

& knowing all your life long trauma, & in spite of you warning him off, he still went on to commit the ultimate treachery, knowing it could destroy you & possibly create irreparable damage to you.
& now he grovels, & says it was a mistake, & oh, its your fault...
I would forget the OW, he is responsible for his own actions.
What an utter piece if Shit
Find your anger, you will rise like a phoenix, & survive this.

Figgygal · 04/04/2022 10:33

Theyre both shits op im so sorry
I wouldn't tell the husband (assuming his illness is true) id focus on what i want and whats best for your family. Personally hes been lying to you and gaslighting you that nothing was going on from his perspective. I couldn't forgive that or trust him ever again

lolacherricoke · 04/04/2022 10:34

Sending big hugs. You deserve so much more and seem like such a kind person. Leave him and look after yourself x

boronia · 04/04/2022 10:46

I'm so sorry he's done this. Bastard.
Tell him to go and stay elsewhere while you get yourself together. He can tell his Mum why he's been kicked out.
Take it slowly, be kind to yourself, don't drink - you've done so brilliantly.
Let him stew while you work out your finances, get legal advice.
The only way I would even consider taking him back is if he changed jobs but I still wouldn't trust him.

IdblowJonSnow · 04/04/2022 10:49

I'd kick him out too.
I didn't do this but really wish I had.
Also wish I'd told her husband. I still might.
He probably doesn't have cancer. Either way I'd tell him. Not out of spite for your partner or her, but anyone in thst scenario deserves to know.
Sending love and strength.

dworky · 04/04/2022 10:59

@drpet49

** a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him and propositioned him for sex.**

^Id report her for sexual harassment. Works both ways

This what you take from this? It's really no wonder why so many men get to have their cake & eat it!
Flyinggeese1234 · 04/04/2022 11:00

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish

Tell the husband and name her in your divorce.
@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish what does this actually mean in legal terms please? How does one ‘name’ someone in a divorce and what does it mean?
NowEvenBetter · 04/04/2022 11:10

OP and the lovers husband with both need STD tests, telling him would be the decent thing to do. The devastation is solely on the adulterers.

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 04/04/2022 11:10

We've just had an argument

He's still trying to justify the lack of intimacy and sex

We were shouting and my son is upstairs

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
loopycurtains · 04/04/2022 11:15

So the begging and grovelling didn't last long, then? I wish I had the right advice. All I've got is to echo PP to take your time and don't make any decisions in a rush. Just wanted to offer a handhold.Thanks

rrf · 04/04/2022 11:19

He will continue to argue his 'case' because, in his head, it IS a defense against what he has done, and stops him taking on the gravity of the situation on to his shoulders, like he absolutely should. He is trying to share the blame of his actions with you, so that he can stay married to you. Don't accept any responsibility if you don't feel you should.

girlmom21 · 04/04/2022 11:24

Ask him to go and say somewhere else for a while.

Tell him you need time to process things. He can see the children but you can't pretend nothing has happened.

Dont rush into anything. When are you due to see your therapist?

MrMrsJones · 04/04/2022 11:29

He needs to take the blame and responsibility

He stuck his dick in someone else, not you, HIM!!!

He doesn't get to put this on you

I would tell him to move out for a bit, while you get your head together

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 04/04/2022 11:32

@ettiespaghetti

We've just had an argument

He's still trying to justify the lack of intimacy and sex

We were shouting and my son is upstairs

I don't know what to do

The correct reaction when a relationship is losing intimacy and sex, is to discuss it with your spouse. He has had every minute of every day to bring up that discussion with you, to find a way to work through it, to seek therapy together to help you through it. The correct way to handle it is as a team.

He didnt do that though, did he? He went off and had sex with someone else, and lied to you about it.

Kick him out. End it. It's over.

BlueOverYellow · 04/04/2022 11:41

Tell him to get the hell out.

He's been cheating on you, he's been lying to you, and now he's shouting at you and blaming you for him sticking his d*ck in another woman. Repeatedly.