My DH and the woman from work

[ettiespaghetti]

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

We don’t know he’s cheating. He’s probably enjoying the attention and is replying just enough to keep the texts going.

@Booboobibles

We don’t know he’s cheating. He’s probably enjoying the attention and is replying just enough to keep the texts going.

Apart from he's admitted it to the OP

I feel for you OP. I've had similar where DP SWORE he wasn't cheating, this girl is just a friend, blah blah blah. Shock horror, it turns out he was.

I realise it must be super traumatic for you and he is going to do everything he can to blame you - don't let him beat you down. Stand up for yourself OP, ask him to leave so you can clear your head. Play it down with the kids (how old are they?) but you have to put yourself first here.

To try to blame you to justify his affair is the lowest of the low. You are already both shouting and arguing while your son is in the house. He needs to leave and now. How much you tell your DCs, about what their scumbag father has done, depends on their ages.

The OW’s husband also needs to know. I don’t know how ill he is or if the cancer is terminal or maybe he doesn’t even have cancer, but his wife is trying to make you feel sorry for him, so you don’t tell him about her affair with your husband. Another thought, if OW’s husband is terminal, maybe you husband wants to stay with you until her husband dies, because he hasn’t got anywhere to go till then!!

You have been struggling with things in your life, your dh should have been supporting you, but instead he has been shoving his dick in another woman’s mouth and shagging her! You owe neither of them anything. If she didn’t want her husband to know, she shouldn’t have started an affair with anyone.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know it seems easy for others to give advice when they're not actively going through it.

From the outside looking in, he has been deceitful, he has had a physical affair and given the length of time that has passed since he told you of her advances, it's quite likely to have been an emotional one too

The fact that he is still making excuses for himself is the part that casts doubt on how sincerely sorry he is.
Sadly, I would also be worried that he is begging to stay with you because OW has made it clear of her intentions to stay with her husband by begging you not to tell him

The bottom line is, you didn't deserve this. In your circumstances he should have been supporting you through your therapy and a little more understanding. Whether you feel you can forgive him and trust him again though, is up to you. 💐

Please don’t use mn as a lifeline. Contact someone in real life who can help.
It is easy to get dragged in to some mnetters need for an online live drama. Remember that the posters are all sat behind a screen eagerly waiting for the drama to unfold. This is your life not some keyboard voyeurs.

Well was having sex with someone else meant to make you fancy him more? It seems like a strange logic don't you think?

I would ask him to leave. Set a scary time frame like a month. Tell anyone I wanted to, but definitely tell some people. And see a lawyer. Or better still several so you know exactly where you stand.

Take the kids out of your decision process. If you'd split if you didn't have kids then you should leave.

I wouldn't worry about her husband. Not you problem at this point.

@ettiespaghetti

We've just had an argument

He's still trying to justify the lack of intimacy and sex

We were shouting and my son is upstairs

I don't know what to do

Tell the other woman’s husband.

Kick your husband out.

Start making plans for a divorce

@Booboobibles

We don’t know he’s cheating. He’s probably enjoying the attention and is replying just enough to keep the texts going.

Um, did you miss the blow jobs he got from her?

Sex might be an issue, lack of intimacy might be an issue, but none of that excuses his behaviour, what he should have done is either spoken to you about it or left, not sleep with someone.

In your shoes op (and I've been there), is split up, kick him out (if he'll go) and tell her dh

The deleted messages excuse doesn't make sense. Why would he delete them to save your feelings if you seen them when he has already told you shes pestering him. Why has he not blocked her and told her to stop messaging. He isn't exactly trying hard to put her off and coupled with the deleted messages id be very suspicious sorry.

Hes trying to justify it?
WTF.

And justifying it by blaming you?

Get this ridiculous excuse for a man out OP, as soon as you can and call on your real life support.

HE does not get to argue his case on this. Bloody hell, what an entitled knob.

HE should be doing everything in his power to own this and start working out how to be making YOU feel better, for YOU to stop hurting.
Not making you feel worse!

OP, stay strong. Kick him out. Repeat to yourself over and over that YOU are not to blame for any of this. If lack of intimacy was indeed a deal for him, there are ways of communicating with your partner about it. Or discuss leaving if its a deal breaker. Its an excuse OP, the only one he can come up with, other than simply being a giant disrespectful arsehole.

I am so angry on your behalf. Find your anger and tell him to get the hell out.
(and if you haven't already, read the script. he seems to be following it to a tee.)
He'll be telling you hes a sex addict and couldn't help it or some such shite next.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

I agree with PP that you take it slow and steady BUT nor your sake not his, and not even for the kids.

You said when I actually connect with myself I feel angry - this is what you need to do, connect with yourself and listen to yourself on this one. Especially as you know you are a people pleaser and it's easy to feel like you're making an fuss over nothing. He is going to continue to gaslight you over the affair, he's already escalated that to arguing and shouting with you over it. He has zero remorse, he's doing you a favour showing you that now.

Keep strong OP

I think you need to trust those instincts. You have every right to be angry and what he says doesn't really matter.
Just take your time to breathe and process everything yourself or with someone independent..you can make any decision you want at any time, now or in a years' time.
Personally I wouldn't tell her husband, that's her circus not yours, focus on getting your house sorted..of course you don't have to tell them you won't be sharing the info..uncertainty works both ways!

What do you do ? You wait till he is out
You make a rdv at the CAB, you copy his pay slips, his tax return, copies of life ins. mortgage, savings.
Information is power.
Him blaming you due to lack of sex is inexcusable, what if the reverse was the case? That would be OK ?
You talk to people in real life, you tell his parents.
You tell him to leave. he is not sleeping in your bed.

I think you're probably in shock still to a degree.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. In fact, I'd take some time and breathing space so you're not reacting from your gut. And tell him to stay the hell out of your space while you're thinking.

He doesn't hold the power here, you do. Remember that. You are allowed to say what is and isn't acceptable in your marriage - he's not a dictator

Definitely tell him to leave & stay somewhere else tonight at the very least, you both need space. None of this is your fault and do not let him tell you that it is.

If he wont do that at the very least get your son out of the house to stay with a friend or relative (don't know how old he is) this is not something you want him to be hearing. Refuse any more discussions until he's out of earshot.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. As his attitude now seems to be that it's all your fault, it might be better if you ask him to stay with his parents for a while - if of course this is possible. But make damn sure you tell your in laws why.

Lack of sex due to illness or disability is no excuse - he made the decision to shag around. He made the decision to cheat. It is not, repeat not, your fault. I'm disabled so our sex life is slim to non-existent, but DH hasn't decided to go elsewhere.

As others have said, discuss it with your therapist and do what is best for you. You have proved how strong you are by getting sober. You can get through this. Whether you stay married, separate or divorce, the only person you need to think about is you. You deserve respect. You deserve to be happy. Hang on to that.

He said he's "wracked with guilt" because a woman at work is coming on to him??? Just....what??? This doesn't explain him being "wracked with guilt". People that have done nothing wrong are not wracked with guilt. This happened to me with a guy at work coming on to me and I definitely did not feel guilty whatsoever.

I'm sorry that he has done that to you. Especially since you are going through trauma therapy and dealing with long covid. You could take the blame for it. You could go back drinking. You could put everyone else's feelings before yours. Where would that get you?
You know you are so strong you have gotten through the abuse you suffered when you were younger,and love yourself enough to work on it in therapy. You have also been strong enough to battle your addiction and come out the other side with three years in recovery. Please do not leave this fucker tear you down with his lying, manipulation and blame games. He is serving you no purpose other than making you feel shit about yourself. I understand why you don't want to cause upset in OW's home and I agree with you it probably would just hurt people who are innocent in this. Send him on his merry way because he will certainly just drag you down mentally and emotionally x

Definitely tell the husband of the woman! I’m sure he would love a few ‘wild and free’ years especially if there is cancer in the mix. You get one life, give him the free pass.

I really wouldn't get involved with the OW's husband. The poor guy has cancer, you really don't need to be telling him anything. If it comes out, so be it, but I really wouldn't want to be the one to stick that knife in.

Plus, your husband is the one who betrayed you, not her (obviously she betrayed her own husband, but that's her issue). I would concentrate on what outcome YOU want from this. You don't have to listen to his excuses, at the end of the day not having enough sex is not a reason to have an affair, so don't let him guilt you on that, or turn it around to make out it's somehow your own fault.

If you don't feel you can forgive him, end it sooner rather than later, ask him to leave, and start to put yourself and your own self esteem first. He has no right to take that from you.

@Booboobibles

We don’t know he’s cheating. He’s probably enjoying the attention and is replying just enough to keep the texts going.

Keep up

@NowNowDermot

I can't bring myself to cause more devastation telling her husband

You won't be causing any devastation, there are only two people responsible for that and neither of them is you. He deserves the truth every bit as much as you did so you can both protect yourselves and work out what's next with all the facts in front of you. Don't listen to anything either of them say about it either, they only want to protect themselves and have already proved they don't care about anyone else's feelings in all this. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, make sure you lean on your support network now, don't try to carry this on your own

No no no! OP please do not take it upon yourself to tell a seriously ill man that his wife has cheated. I'm not a fan of interfering in other people's lives at the best of times, dropping a bombshell out of some faux sense of higher moral purpose (revenge), with no idea of whether that would be wanted by the recipient. And while fighting cancer, is about as far from the best of times as you can get. If you have any compassion for this man OP, follow your origional instinct, and please leave him alone. You have enough to concern yourself with your own situation.

The first concern for me is the deleted messages OP.