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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH and the woman from work

334 replies

ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 11:50

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

OP posts:
Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 23:35

I also have long covid , her husband has cancer

She's now begging me not to tell her husband

He cited the lack of sex and intimacy in our marriage as his reason

He's now broken and begging

OP posts:
MamaTam · 03/04/2022 23:39

What he first said was triangulation. He wanted you to know and as others have said have an excuse at the ready. Plus the gaslighting. He sounds like a narcissist.

I’m really really sorry you’re going through this, have you got good support around you?

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 23:40

Thankfully I have excellent support
I'm incredibly loved by some amazing friends and family - I'm grateful that i go to aa and that I have some tools to cope

I considered drinking when I found out but I'm still sober (nearly 3 years)

OP posts:
MamaTam · 03/04/2022 23:42

It’s all an excuse. Please don’t believe him, there is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this, if a narcissist will cheat he will cheat. The begging isn’t a real apology, he just doesn’t want to be discarded first. There is nothing wrong with you and you deserve better. Cheating on poorly spouses shows the type of people they both are.

MamaTam · 03/04/2022 23:45

Stay strong you’ve got this, I don’t blame you for feeling like needing a drink after tonight. He is not worth ruining you’re sobriety for. You’ve done so well!

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 23:46

Why do I feel sorry for him and not want him to have to deal with the pain he's caused himself

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 03/04/2022 23:47

I would tell her husband as well.

BlooberryBiskits · 03/04/2022 23:47

@ettiespaghetti

Thankfully I have excellent support I'm incredibly loved by some amazing friends and family - I'm grateful that i go to aa and that I have some tools to cope

I considered drinking when I found out but I'm still sober (nearly 3 years)

Sorry to hear: you are worth more than this

Value yourself & your sobriety, don’t be rushed into any decisions

MamaTam · 03/04/2022 23:55

Because you’re a good and empathic person and he is straight out of the narcissist handbook. All you’re feelings are completely valid. It sounds like a trauma bond, his erratic behaviour is actually carefully planned to make you addicted to him. What about the pain he’s caused you? That is more important.

There are lots of pages about narcissistic abuse on Instagram and YouTube (some evidenced based some not so much) etc but I would not recommend reading in detail into these things during such an emotional time and whilst he is present. You’re local domestic violence service are always there for emotional or practical support it doesn’t have to be severe or physical and they won’t encourage you to leave him if you don’t want to. Just please be careful whatever you do. Do you feel safe?

Christinatherabbit · 03/04/2022 23:55

I'm so sorry to read the update. I really would tell her husband though. He has a right to know especially with what he's going through.
Please do let your DH make you feel sorry for him. What he's done to you is unforgivable

MamaTam · 03/04/2022 23:58

This too. Don’t rush anything and try and give yourself time to process things.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/04/2022 00:00

Tell her husband. Dump the betrayer. How dare he feel sorry for himself now - it’s disgusting.

RhubarbFairy · 04/04/2022 00:09

Tell her husband. He deserves to know the truth. Your husband deserves nothing more than he's now getting.
I'm so sorry @ettiespaghetti Flowers

kaleidoscope123 · 04/04/2022 00:14

Defo tell the husband as he deserves to know and then I would ask your husband to leave. He needs to go, not you.

Actions have consequences for both of them!

Sending you strength in this terrible situation. Don’t let this break you, you are doing so well dealing with everything you’ve been through so far.

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 04/04/2022 00:15

He's doing all of the sorrys and your my soul mate I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you

I can't imagine telling my kids

We've been together twenty years and he's always treated me as if he adored me

It makes no sense

I've never detected anything narcissistic about him before

I can feel myself minimising it but I owe myself not to do that - they've both said they realised their mistake and ended it a month ago

OP posts:
Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 04/04/2022 00:19

The most hurtful thing is that our sex life isn't great

Especially since I stopped drinking as that allowed me to suppress my feelings

I was abused as a child and I am in trauma therapy partly to process that abuse with the hopes of being able to have a healthier sober sex life

For him to cite that as his reason is so hurtful

One of our kids took an overdose last year after bullying

I've been ill with long covid since October 2020

It's all been so tough but I never ever saw this coming

I'm a complete people pleaser and have a really poor sense of self / ability to truly feel my emotions after a life time of having to be what others needed me to be to keep safe (another reason for therapy) I can't bring myself to cause more devastation telling her husband and putting the same pain on to her kids

OP posts:
Weirdsituationworries · 04/04/2022 00:20

You having Therapy and OW's husband having cancer are exactly the reasons why they should have been devoted to their respective spouses. Them cheating behind everyone's backs is just awful. They need to be dumped. They seem well suited.
You are worth so much more than this, be kind to yourself and then get strong! Sorry you have to go through this

MsDogLady · 04/04/2022 00:31

He cited the lack of sex and intimacy in our marriage as his reason.

Ettie, you are NOT to blame for his choice to cheat. He and only he is responsible for protecting his fidelity. If he had issues in the marriage, he had an array of ethical options to use to deal with them. Instead, he chose the unethical route and that is all on him. His character deficits allowed him to cheat, lie, and create his devious agenda to throw you off the scent by ‘informing’ you about OW’s pursuit of him.

Proceed with caution, Ettie. His crocodile tears are a manipulation. If he were truly remorseful, he wouldn’t be shifting the blame for his disgusting behavior onto you. I am so sorry. Flowers

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 04/04/2022 00:38

I would verify that her husband has cancer. Could be a lie to sway you from ratting her out.

MsDogLady · 04/04/2022 00:43

Ettie, you have long COVID and yet your massively selfish H has risked your health even further. You now need an STD test, as does OW’s H. He deserves to be brought out of the darkness, just as you have been.

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 04/04/2022 01:33

ability to truly feel my emotions after a life time of having to be what others needed me to be to keep safe

I know how this feels, dissociation, I’m starting to feel again now and it’s so so hard at times (and I’m still not fully there yet). But it is so much better to be awake and fully there, but everything had to fall apart for me to get there.

I hope that you can get through this alive awake and free Flowers

NowNowDermot · 04/04/2022 02:12

I can't bring myself to cause more devastation telling her husband

You won't be causing any devastation, there are only two people responsible for that and neither of them is you. He deserves the truth every bit as much as you did so you can both protect yourselves and work out what's next with all the facts in front of you. Don't listen to anything either of them say about it either, they only want to protect themselves and have already proved they don't care about anyone else's feelings in all this. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, make sure you lean on your support network now, don't try to carry this on your own Flowers

Sunbird24 · 04/04/2022 02:49

@ettiespaghetti you don’t have to make any decisions right now, take your time and work out exactly what it is that you want, rather than what you think other people want from you. Talk it through with your therapist. ‘D’H will have to wait, he owes you at least that much. Well done on not drinking too, that took real strength, which is how we all know that you will get through this whatever happens.

5YearsLeft · 04/04/2022 03:17

@ettiespaghetti This is such an incredibly difficult situation and I’m so sorry you’re facing it, especially when you’re already in trauma therapy. And for your husband to “use” your trauma against you as justification… there are no words for how awful that is. I know trauma can turn some into very overly empathetic beings who worry about the feelings of others even when they don’t deserve it, and this is the sign that he doesn’t deserve it, right here. That he is using the most painful thing in your life to try to say that HIS choices are your fault, when that’s impossible, since they’re his choices. Please discuss it with your therapist, but you need to give yourself permission to not care about his feelings.

As for feelings, about telling the OW’s husband. There are several factors at play. First, they’ve lied at every turn, so it’s possible he doesn’t have cancer, in which case, you don’t need to feel guilty about breaking this news to someone “fighting cancer.” And if it’s true that he does have cancer, he definitely needs to know that he may have been exposed to sexually transmitted diseases. Some diseases that could be minor otherwise and require little to no treatment could be much bigger for someone who is on chemotherapy or immune-suppressed. And once you know someone has cheated, you cannot trust that they have just cheated with one person - you unfortunately have no idea what they’ve actually done. For his own health, if nothing else, I would tell him.

As for how emotions go, I personally feel that it’s better that people know the truth of their relationships (imagine how you felt at the beginning of this thread, knowing something was wrong but not having “proof”) versus being kept in the dark because of fear it will “destroy” the family. No, its the affair itself that may have destroyed the family - telling the person who has been faithful just gives them the opportunity to make honest choices about their health, marriage, and family.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 04/04/2022 03:40

So you get ill and he shags someone else - nice.

LTB. You've gone through enough OP. Time for you to have peace and to get well.