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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH and the woman from work

334 replies

ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 11:50

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

OP posts:

aLittleWhiteHorse · 19/05/2022 19:54

I am so sorry things have gotten worse. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for to have come through so much, so far. Try to have compassion for yourself; you’re doing your best in terribly cruel circumstances. Sending you love xx

Alcemeg · 19/05/2022 20:01

So sorry to hear how rough things have got for you, OP.

There's absolutely no need to do anything or decide anything or tell us anything.

Perhaps try to rest, and wait to see how things unfold. You will be keeping a careful eye on how you feel about it all, of course, but there is no rush to take any action or label anything.

PurassicJark · 19/05/2022 20:57

You are stronger than you give yourself credit and you don't need him. He is cheating scum, and a complete liar. You deserve so much better.

Bluesparkled · 20/05/2022 00:27

You don’t owe us OP.
One day at a time.

RaspberryParfait · 20/05/2022 01:05

As a fellow CPTSD sufferer I can understand why you asked him to come back and I’m not surprised you had a breakdown.

I hope he’s remorseful, has taken over the household and is looking after you so you can rest and let your medication take effect. You’ve been re traumatised all over again at the worst possible time when you were in therapy and most vulnerable.

Do whatever it takes to get through now. Keep going to therapy, it’s the ideal place to cry, away from DC and without judgement. You need some distance from this further trauma to your poor frazzled mind to be able to process it and the only way to achieve that is with time.

DPotter · 20/05/2022 01:26

Ettie - you owe us nothing so don't feel in anyway bad but your choices. The important thing is for you to feel safe and in control.

Fraaahnces · 20/05/2022 02:03

Please guard yourself carefully. You are far too valuable to allow yourself to be broken by a man.

Herejustforthisone · 20/05/2022 06:46

It’s appalling what he has done to you.

I hope you recover, get stronger and feel able to tell him to go.

Original poster

ettiespaghetti · 20/05/2022 09:20

He has taken over everything - cleaning washing kids food etc and is looking after me in every way possible

hes left the job the other woman was at

the further details of the affair are way more significant than I was first led to believe

He took me to the lakes for 3 days as having a break down but trying to hold it together in front of kids was making me worse , I felt absolutely insane and that something deep deep in me snapped

The sexual abuse in my childhood was from someone who was meant to take care of me (childminders husband - also a police officer)

My dad was also meant to take care of me

My step dad was meant to take care of me

My step mam was meant to take care of me

My mam was meant to take care of me

The cycle of trauma has just been repeated And it left me feeling it was confirmation that on a fundamental level for some reason I am unlovable / worthless / my needs can’t be met

But DH has also been the only relationship in my whole adult life where I felt safe and loved, this is not denial talking, for 20 years his actions and behaviour have been of a very loving man who has always treated me like an absolute queen - in fact I’ve always felt that he loved me more than I loved him - he became my safety and security and kicking him out left me feeling a powerful feeling of not being safe in my own body and I was quickly going downhill with that

I still can't believe what's he's done
i don’t know if the details matter but there is evidence that for a significant length of time he rejected her advances , but ultimately he went for it

I’ve had some very traumatic calls with her daughter in law - relaying the OW story of the affair

I'm conscious that although his affair And triggered this , the decades of abuse that this has brought up is not his responsibility

OP posts:

Alcemeg · 20/05/2022 13:06

OP you're really going through the mill

I hope it's not too traumatic having so many anonymous voices egging you on and telling you what's what. The implication of a lot of posts on this thread seems to be that you can hold your head up high as long as you boot that cheating bastard straight out of that door!

Please take no notice. You can hold your head up high whatever is going on!

What you say about never having doubted his love for you, and feeling safe with him, speaks volumes.

You both have a lot of soul-searching to do and only you can decide what makes sense. None of it has to make sense to anyone else.

Fraaahnces · 20/05/2022 13:09

Please don’t think that feeling “safe” with him is the same as loving him or being loved.

Alcemeg · 20/05/2022 13:18

I'd just add that sex is such a minefield. It's the most important thing in a relationship, it's the least important thing in a relationship, it's the ultimate expression of human love, it's the most basic of animal instincts, it's a source of joy and pleasure, it's a trigger for trauma and pain, it's worth investing lots of time and effort into, it's just a scratch that must be itched, it matters, it doesn't matter...

Alcemeg · 20/05/2022 13:19

Fraaahnces · 20/05/2022 13:09

Please don’t think that feeling “safe” with him is the same as loving him or being loved.

How would you define loving and being loved?

AcrossthePond55 · 20/05/2022 15:51

Oh Girl, you have certainly been through the mill, haven't you? Listen, we all have our breaking point and there is no shame in our reaching it when thing become too much. A breakdown is your subconscious mind's way of saying "You've had enough, let's make a loud cry for help".

This has been another huge trauma for you. Please, I hope you are using your trauma therapy to help you deal with this. It's 'too big' to try to deal with on your own. And now is not the time to do couple's counseling. You need to work through this on your own and come to a place of peace and decision about your own future, before you can decide about the future of your marriage. For now, put your marriage on 'auto pilot' and let him deal with the day to day things, and concentrate on yourself.

Nothappyatwork · 20/05/2022 16:14

Alcemeg · 20/05/2022 13:06

OP you're really going through the mill

Please take no notice. You can hold your head up high whatever is going on!

What you say about never having doubted his love for you, and feeling safe with him, speaks volumes.

You both have a lot of soul-searching to do and only you can decide what makes sense. None of it has to make sense to anyone else.

The advice being given comes from people who have made similar mistakes over and over again and eats away at you like nothing else I can describe ….. knowing that every time you close your eyes she see her bloody face in front of you, even especially when you’re having sex with him her face pops up as you’re about to orgasm it’s just awful. Once the trust has gone you’ve sent two messages to the world, to him telling him that basically you can do what the fuck he wants and you won’t leave him and they do typically go on to do worse and worse scenarios taking the piss more and more. But more importantly it’s your own self-worth and self-esteem like what more does he have to do to you to get you to end it?

Sofacouchboredom · 20/05/2022 17:14

@ettiespaghetti oh Ettie, there are so many people here not judging you but just wanting you to be ok and if that is with your husband then that's entirely your decision.

I totally agree with everything @Alcemeg says. You articulately explain your reasoning for allowing him back in the house and I entirely understand.

Can I just caution you to ask your husband to read around affair recovery and how to help you feel safer and heal. This is vital especially with your mental health at such a low.

There are some amazing resources out there. I can recommend 'surviving infidelity' forum and there reconciliation forum. 'How to help my spouse heal from my affair' is a fantastic book. 'Affair recovery' videos are fantastic and very digestible.

You have offered him a gift and he needs to work damn hard to prove he is worthy of your love.

Sweetheart, reconciliation can and does work. I'm reconciled, I don't have images of my husband and his AP (ever) and I don't believe he thinks less of me or respects me less for staying, quite the opposite. My husband knows he's damn lucky!

But he does work to deserve me and show me he is a safe partner for our future together.

As the dust starts to settle and you start to feel less hit by a truck, please make sure he's working. This can not be brushed under the carpet.

But I think you know that.

Good luck

NamechangeFML · 20/05/2022 18:07

All my best wishes and hugs, Op
youre still in shock. And the person you want to lean on, is the one that hurt you ... :..(

SickKid · 21/05/2022 05:08

Ah, Ettie you're stronger than you know. It's very easy for anonymous strangers to tell you to LTB and many posters may be convinced that they would do so in your shoes, however a hypothetical situation and real life are entirely different. Just get through the here and now, however you need to. Decisions you make now don't have to be forever. One day at a time lovely 💐

LooseGoose22 · 21/05/2022 11:05

How would you define loving and being loved?

Not lying to, deceiving, betraying, destabilising etc. someone is generally a basic of loving them.

That stands for someone not dealing with addiction and child hood abuse, let alone someone doing so.

I can picture how a good man and a good partner would act towards his partner in these circumstances abd its not this, not even x no. of yrs of apparent good behaviour excuses it. He even seems to have continued to some extent after his affair partner's spouse's diagnosis. So he's fked two people over. He's not worthy or capable of the position he's being given ... the safe space, the bulwark.

LooseGoose22 · 21/05/2022 11:08

He's not even capable of avoiding the mid life crisis affair trap by the looks of it, so not even high integrity enough to deal with an "ordinary" situation, let alone with a vulnerable partner.

LooseGoose22 · 21/05/2022 11:14

It's v sad that because op has noone else and because he's been her safe support for a long time; she's clinging to him ... in the midst of the situation he has actually created.

I don't judge op at all, just think it's worth sad and wish she had alternative support.

Alcemeg · 21/05/2022 16:56

Well yes, that's one interpretation. There are many others, some of which might even involve some compassion for human nature and the other actors in the situation.

OP, only you can decide what's important in your life and what isn't. There are no hard-and-fast rules about that, whatever PPs say.

TheGetaway · 21/05/2022 20:50

@LooseGoose22
you are absolutely judging.

OP. It’s fine to ride the storm the easiest way possible and make decisions later x

LooseGoose22 · 21/05/2022 22:01

,@TheGetaway

Read my posts.

I judge him.

Not op.

She's done nothing wrong, she's just struggling with the situation he's put her in, stuck looking to the person who's hurt her and let her down so badly for support & stability, because her family etc are so useless.

Original poster

ettiespaghetti · 23/05/2022 11:56

I’m really struggling today - I am consumed with an obsessive need to find details - where she lives etc
I’ve been on ancestry websites , 192 etc obsessively hunting , google street maps etc

it’s making me feel so crazy

OP posts:

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