My DH and the woman from work

[ettiespaghetti]

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

But I'm so weak and broken I don't know how I'm going to manage it

You'll be ok @ettiespaghetti , I promise.

Please don't take him back- he'd probably cheat again at some point.

Oh Ettie, we so want you to feel better and stronger but understand fully that you are going through trauma. I can also understand your need to have respite from the huge changes that you are currently experiencing by being with him.

Trauma bonding whilst he is with you also has the negative effect of exascerbating the feelings of ocd and obbsesive thoughts whilst he is not in your presence. It's a no win currently and you know he has done this to you, made you feel so unsafe and unsure that you begin to question your own reality and reactions to what is happening.

Well I can say that everything you are experiencing is perfectly normal and rational for someone who has been betrayed along with all the myriad of problems you were already trying to overcome. You sound stronger than you think and I'm sure you know that your decisions may change once you regain your footing and become stronger.

Just concentrate on you, do what you have to, to heal yourself, however way you do it, crazy is ok, your mind is just trying to acclimatize to the pain and you believe having control and understanding of your situation will ease the pain and confusion. The rabbit hole of searching for information comes with the territory, a need to know the enemy, just make sure you're not in a perpetual loop because this stuff hurts.

Try to cut the brain pathways, push yourself to think of other things, watch a film, take a walk anything to break the cycle of thinking.
Intellegent people over analyse and you may have to accept this fact in your recovery, take it one day at a time and do not be so hard on yourself, everyone is different , their stories are completely different, some have a great deal more to contend with than others and some have better resources for overcoming things.
Your situation is entirely personal for you.

You are doing well, so much on your plate and I think you are a remarkable lady who is going to get through this and become stronger but it won't happen overnight.

Trust in time, that time is essential for your recovery.

I also have severe C-PTSD. I understand your need to try and empower yourself by hunting down this woman, but I think you need to acknowledge that while she betrayed your marriage, she didn’t betray you personally. That is not the case for your DH. He did both. I think you need to let go of the idea that your DH is your personal superhero who is responsible for your emotional and psychological well-being. He neglected your relationship and hid behind that role to take advantage of your vulnerability and betray you. He is not capable of healing your past. The multiple betrayals you have experienced throughout your childhood are an utter tragedy and you need to really explore your feelings about them with a really good therapist. I know from experience that the fear of doing that is paralyzing. You think that it will all snowball out of control and leave you more broken and vulnerable. You will never be able to identify as a whole, separate person until you do this. Your DH is not your saviour and he is not a parental figure for you. He wasn’t your partner either. Please see your GP and request a referral.

You can get through mental health crises, you don't need a cheat and liar to help you. I've been through many by myself with the help of services.

I’m really struggling today - I am consumed with an obsessive need to find details - where she lives etc. I’ve been on ancestry websites , 192 etc obsessively hunting , google street maps etc

I don't think this is particularly unusual.

You can't trust him @ettiespaghetti , don't forget that. Things might be hard at first but eventually you'll feel better without this liar who betrayed you.

He has actually partly triggered your current crisis by betraying you.

IDK if I've already mentioned this, but EMDR therapy is about the one with the best evidence base for trauma. You can get it on the NHS as well as privately.

How are you op x

Hi thanks for asking

the rollercoaster continues but I have had spells where I am ok, even content and distracted with life’s nice things

I’m very regularly triggered and disturbed

I went through a few very manic days where I was quite scarily obsessed with finding the woman and making her tell me ALL the details

just self harm really as nothing helps

I am not actively scared of hurting myself at all now which is good and I’m relying less on diazepam

How are you doing @ettiespaghetti I hope you're ok