I feel as if I hate my “new life.”

[Daisyonthelawn]

I am an older mum and I definitely thought that being a wife and mum had passed me by. I know some people would have been fine with that but to be honest I never was, I knew I wanted children and I knew that I wanted a family. In my late 30s I had a now or never approach and joined a dating site.

I met DH online, but I lived in a different city at the time. I moved in with him a couple of months before lockdown, but I still had my own place (it’s now let out.) We have a DS who is now 14 months. So life has changed, very dramatically, in the last 2 years I have got married, been pregnant, had a baby, changed cities, home, job.

I do love my DH, and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. At the same time though, I am struggling.

Before I met DH my life wasn’t great. In some ways it was a bit chaotic. I tended to drift from job to job a lot, and even from place to place (possibly because there was nothing holding me to any particular place) I’d see jobs in different areas of the country and just apply there and move if I got the job, then when I didn’t like it I’d move back. I was lonely a lot - most of my friends had small children - and so if I wanted to do something ‘normal’ like go on holiday I’d have to go myself. This came at a cost and I was also permanently skint.

As I’ve said above I now feel so much more content in many ways. Having two incomes offers a much bigger security - a few months ago my car needed £600 worth of work doing and a few years ago that would have been a disaster but I barely noticed it this time. I do genuinely love DH and as for DS, I adore him. I love where we live and have made friends as well as renewing some old friendships (am more accepted as a mum I’ve noticed which is wrong but I am not arguing.) Work feels more stable than ever before. So far all is good.

But this past week or so I’ve felt so unhappy and have struggled to put a finger on it. and I think the issue is I feel really suffocated by DH. He isn’t a controlling man but he is always here. I never get a quiet minute with a book or a television show to just be and be quiet and just be.

It sounds horrible but I’m sort of longing for my old life which is stupid as my old life was horrible. But I want to get in my car and drive miles to the coast, or to a different city or something.

I don’t want to leave. I just really feel odd, as if I’m living in a bit of a fish bowl.

Its a week or so. Life isnt blissful all the time. Maybe youre due a little break?

Sounds like you need to find a way of having some regular time to yourself. It’s doable, if complicated to arrange! Even easier if you don’t mind having the baby with you!

This feeling is part and parcel of parenting, especially when you have them all the time. You could do with a break.

Can you join a gym or a regular class of some sort ? Just to find yourself again and stop being wife/mum even if just for an hour week

It’s totally normal to want to have some boundaries, even with the people we love. You just need to communicate them and your husband needs to respect them. How much time does he get for hobbies, alone time, seeing friends etc? Make sure you get that too. You’re both early on in parenting/marriage, how you handle this moment of friction could set the standard for the rest of your marriage. Talk it out.

Everyone needs some downtime. There's nothing wrong with that.

After I moved in with DS's dad, I would put 6 month old DS in a sling and go hiking for the day. I walked the ridgeway one summer, had plenty of time to myself. When DS was older I would leave him with a childminder and sit on the local Beacon Hill reading in the sunshine, or wander around a museum.

Now DS is a teen, I run by myself, early in the morning while he sleeps in.

Just because you are married, doesn't mean you are joined at the hip. Doesn't your DH ever go away for a weekend with the boys?

Hmmm. I’ve been through something v v similar in the last two years and I think I can understand your feeling.

I was perfectly happy with my alone time as a single woman and an introvert.

Every now and then I preciously claw some of it out now as a new wife and (older, like you) mum.

You need to build in some time to do something alone that makes you feel like your own person. For me, that’s going to the cinema alone (okay, I used to do that weekly but have managed it twice this year).

I’ve also had a couple of solo adventures with baby in another city, in a nice hotel for a night or two to “give husband a break”.

I love him dearly but some time alone/alone with baby is important. I can’t really articulate it to him without sounding shit so I get it. Can you engineer a night away or a hike up a mountain or a three course solo restaurant meal or whatever makes you feel good?

It doesn’t make you a shit wife to need a bit of space occasionally. Honest.

I think it’s normal to have phases like this.
It’s important to remember that the grass isn’t greener… remind yourself of all the reasons you weren’t happy with your life before.
The try and do something about the things that are bothering you right now.
What’s stopping you from driving to the coast for the day? Or go stay with a friend for the weekend?? Find some time for yourself and encourage your DH to do the same.
Small children are very emotionally demanding and draining. It is just part of being a parent.

What’s stopping you from driving to the coast for the day? Or go stay with a friend for the weekend??

DS. I mean, in theory l could but then it’s too long to have him in a car seat etc …

It’s hard to explain. Not so much hobbies etc. I don’t want to be committed to doing things (DH wouldn’t mind if I did) I want space to do nothing.

When you say your DH is “always here” - are you ever alone?

Yeah I echo what everybody else is saying.

It's a touch of looking back in rose tinted glasses. I do it often as I don't get much respite from my dh and our 5 kids. I often wish I was single and living alone and really miss those times. Doesn't mean I don't love my family and want to leave them, Just means I need a bit of me time.
My youngest starts school full time in Sept.

I sympathise with you a lot. I have a lot in common with your lifestyle before and after. What I mourned and craved was time ot think my own thoughts. There never was any. But I think that's motherhood.

If your DS is 14 months, I think you could look at putting him in a nursery for a couple of days.

If you just desperately want a couple of quiet hours, can you encourage DH to join up for something - gym/choir/club of some kind, in the evenings when your DS is already in bed, so you get a couple of hours breathing space. You could also do the same. Either join something or just tell your DH that you miss quiet time and instead of joining a gyn or whatever, you;d like to go to a cafe and read a book in total peace once a week for a few hours.

Children grow and you get that peaceful time back. You also get used to the perpetual presence of other people. It won't last for ever, but it did feel endless at the time,. I remember that now. (Had forgotten until your post.)

Now is the time to establish your own identity in your new life. You can find out who you are with your new knowledge and skills that come with your experiences, and it is more than okay to need time alone. Think about what you need. Do you need something to do, time to sit and not interact, time to get to know new friends, take up old skills, learn new things? You are an individual and you and your family will benefit from you being able to be - independent of your child and partner.

Tell your DH what you need, you don't need to apologise or justify having needs and getting them met.

But why does your son need to come with you?? Can’t he stay with his dad for the day??

@Dolphinnoises

When you say your DH is “always here” - are you ever alone?

Pretty much never! I’ve gone from one extreme to another.

@gingerhills he’s in nursery FT. I’ve tried to get DH to do a bit more but he won’t and you can’t really force somebody to take up golf or whatever.

I am like you and became a mum at 42 but I've always just carved out plenty of time to myself, and if I want to sit quietly on my own in a different room to my DH & DS I just do it. What's stopping you?

Can you go out for a run? just to get out of the house for half an hour? Or a walk, for a whole hour. Stick on your headphones and listen to something good.

But why can't you take up a hobby? Men have no issue in taking out time from their weekends and evenings to pursue hobbies. What do you like doing? Take up hiking or jogging or birdwatching if you want something solitary.

I know that's not a weekend away! But it diffuses the intensity of never being alone.

@LyraLaVey makes some excellent points.

Also I think relationships ebb and flow and sometimes you can feel down. Have you spoken to DH about how you feel?

When my kids were little I really loved going to yoga because it was just time with myself being really aware of my body and even though it was just 90 mins each week it was a massive help. You should be able to find daytime classes of that might be your thing. I recommend trying it - I should add I am not at all bendy, in fact I have joint problems that mean I can't even sit cross legged and I can't do a few standard yoga moves on one side, but I can still work around that and enjoy it.

I think people are misunderstanding a bit here and that’s my fault. I haven’t been clear at all.

But if I take up a hobby that’s one more “thing to do” - even if I ultimately really enjoy (let’s say) yoga. I still have to get my stuff ready and go and do it and come back and that’s honestly the absolute opposite of what I want. I don’t want to do something. I want to do nothing. Alone.

My husband thinks I do yoga in the bedroom most evenings. I say "right I'm off to do some yoga and meditation for an hour" shut myself in the bedroom and read or surf the web, watch telly, whatever. Works for me! I don't suppose there are many women who drink whisky and ginger while meditating, but I do 😄

I sometimes feel like you. I lived a chaotic life for years and craved stability. I have that now and am much happier. I do really miss the freedom of being able to be chaotic though-not often but sometimes.

This is quite normal. It’s not as simple as a good partner and child and then everything else is rosy.

It’s fine to want a break from it all. Get out and do something for yourself. Gym , running, classes.

It’s definitely one extreme to the other. Some middle ground would be good.