I feel as if I hate my “new life.”

[Daisyonthelawn]

I am an older mum and I definitely thought that being a wife and mum had passed me by. I know some people would have been fine with that but to be honest I never was, I knew I wanted children and I knew that I wanted a family. In my late 30s I had a now or never approach and joined a dating site.

I met DH online, but I lived in a different city at the time. I moved in with him a couple of months before lockdown, but I still had my own place (it’s now let out.) We have a DS who is now 14 months. So life has changed, very dramatically, in the last 2 years I have got married, been pregnant, had a baby, changed cities, home, job.

I do love my DH, and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. At the same time though, I am struggling.

Before I met DH my life wasn’t great. In some ways it was a bit chaotic. I tended to drift from job to job a lot, and even from place to place (possibly because there was nothing holding me to any particular place) I’d see jobs in different areas of the country and just apply there and move if I got the job, then when I didn’t like it I’d move back. I was lonely a lot - most of my friends had small children - and so if I wanted to do something ‘normal’ like go on holiday I’d have to go myself. This came at a cost and I was also permanently skint.

As I’ve said above I now feel so much more content in many ways. Having two incomes offers a much bigger security - a few months ago my car needed £600 worth of work doing and a few years ago that would have been a disaster but I barely noticed it this time. I do genuinely love DH and as for DS, I adore him. I love where we live and have made friends as well as renewing some old friendships (am more accepted as a mum I’ve noticed which is wrong but I am not arguing.) Work feels more stable than ever before. So far all is good.

But this past week or so I’ve felt so unhappy and have struggled to put a finger on it. and I think the issue is I feel really suffocated by DH. He isn’t a controlling man but he is always here. I never get a quiet minute with a book or a television show to just be and be quiet and just be.

It sounds horrible but I’m sort of longing for my old life which is stupid as my old life was horrible. But I want to get in my car and drive miles to the coast, or to a different city or something.

I don’t want to leave. I just really feel odd, as if I’m living in a bit of a fish bowl.

Yes this sounds like a very effective tactic for him to do absolutely nothing he doesn't want to. Not sure what you want anyone to suggest Tbh - everything everyone says is impossible apparently

I can sympathise - my dd is 19m now and I can count on one hand the number of times I've been alone in the house since she was born. I really miss just being on my own and dh, although he more than pulls his weight, pretty much never takes dd out on his own. And he wfh so he is always here! I just want to be able to potter round the house and just be, not be constantly 'on' and having to pay attention to other people.

The problem is the thread is just turning into a ‘slag off DH’ thread and tbh that’s not helpful. I am honestly really sorry if that sounds arsey, but it’s not.

You might feel better than you think with going out for a day wandering even if you have to come back. Sometimes I tell DH to take DC out for a couple hours. Sometimes I do chores and sometimes I just lay on the floor reading a magazine.

I ski a lot in the winter too, mostly without DC, sometimes with a friend, sometimes by myself. Half the nice but is driving up to the mountains by myself with a coffee and a donut. I do love the “hobby” but as PP said the hobby can just be the excuse for why you’re going out for a few hours. You don’t have to do much of it. I also have a ladies night away about once a quarter, got a weekend coming up too. DD is 3.5 and I’ve been doing all of the above since she turned 1.

Same @Nowisthemonthofmaying and a combination of DH wfh and the fact it’s ‘his’ house anyway means I sometimes feel like I’m permanently getting in the way in my own home.

I feel for you op. It sounds utterly suffocating and I couldn't bear it if I were you. I start to feel like I've got an itch under my skin if I don't get any alone time.

I'm glad you are happy with your "new life" but I don't think it's acceptable to have a partner who doesn't respect your voice and reasonable requests.

It’s not an inate trait that he can’t change, he just isn’t bothered about what you want or need so doesn’t take your requests seriously. I think you do have to try and actually discuss it with him, and explain that what you’re asking for is important for your well-being and the success of your relationship and family.

What’s the alternative? Bite your tongue and live like this forever?

@Daisyonthelawn

The problem is the thread is just turning into a ‘slag off DH’ thread and tbh that’s not helpful. I am honestly really sorry if that sounds arsey, but it’s not.

I don’t want to just slag him off, I’m sure he has many good traits. But what you’re describing is clearly a problem that’s largely caused by your DH and which only your DH has the power to solve. If it’s making you unhappy you need to talk to him about it with the goal of implementing changes.

What other possible course of action is there?

Well, what is the alternative @BingBangB0ng?

Leave, and have DS grow up with the instability of moving between two homes, going back to being skint, lonely, struggling, the odd one out all the time?

Married 10 years, ds is 6yo (I was 40 when he was born) and I still feel like you sometimes OP. Once a year, I go away for a week - without DH and DS. It does me the world of good. This didn't start until ds was nearly 3yo, but it's an annual event now. I also started with a PT. You need something for just you. Book a night in a hotel, go see ab old friend for a drink, anything.

I do think teaching is particularly gruelling in this regard.
If you are coping with a 14 month old, full time teaching workload and an unsupportive husband you're being stretched to beyond capacity. Give yourself credit for how far you've got.

What to do? How to manage and protect yourself from burnout?
Well, I think there are a number of options.... but they are difficult to visualise whilst your there in the centre of the storm.

Think about how you would like your life to look - make yourself a flowchart of options and possibilities (you know how that works!), and start to take small steps of adjustments beginning with the easiest.

If your husband won't step up but you want to say with him, then could you employ someone to take on some of the role instead - a cleaner, a part time nanny/mothers help?
If that's too much of a stretch there are other options - (when I was desperate for some support with my baby, I offered a placement to a college student on a childcare course who needed experience with babies).
Don't discount any ideas however quirky - but make it your mission and focus to bring some balance and support into your life - it will happen if you prioritise it.

The alternative is you discuss it with him, and then your husband changes his behaviour to accommodate your needs. If he's not prepared to do that , are you really going to spend the rest of your life with a drip who can't get his arse into gear to go to the supermarket in 8 hours?

Presumably you love each other and he wants to make your life better/easier. Taking his own kid out on a Saturday morning so you can chill isn't a big ask

Daisyonthelawn what you're describing is an utterly normal frustration with never being home alone. Ive been married 20 years so no "new life" but it hit me when the pandemic meant homeschool and home office. I work shifts including nights and weekends, kids are school age and DH always office based, wfh never allowed due to data protection issues, and I always appreciated the alone at home time working on a different schedule gave me. Pandemic meant dh's employer found a way for everyone to work from home - lovely, practical and all but after a while you miss having the house to yourself to do nothing occasionally.

I'm amazed you haven't had a chorus of voices who feel the same given the way life's changed for most people over the last 2 years! Perhaps memories of lockdown and homeschooling are short and most people are back in the office now...

What do you actually want?

Because this thread is pointless if you don’t know and/or aren’t willing to advocate for yourself.

I can say to my husband ‘I need some time alone. Can you take the boys out?’ And he does it.

If your husband and you are unable to communicate effectively your marriage will collapse so sort out what you want and talk to him about how you get it.

@spacehardware I’ve tried but there does come a point where discussion, talk etc become completely meaningless because he just does not get it. And I know that and I accept it because I have to, but I do feel so drained by it. It really isn’t about cleaning, though. The state of the house really is the least important thing on my mind at present.

It’s not pointless to me, @Merryoldgoat

@Daisyonthelawn

Well, what is the alternative *@BingBangB0ng*?

Leave, and have DS grow up with the instability of moving between two homes, going back to being skint, lonely, struggling, the odd one out all the time?

No, attempt to resolve it. Make a real, concerted effort to explain to your husband:

1. this time alone is really important for your well-being, and ability to be a good wife and mother, you need time alone to recharge
2. when he promises he’ll do things and then doesn’t, or faffs for ages and ages and makes you stressed and have to keep asking, it feels like he doesn’t care about the impact that has on your or take your needs and wants seriously
3. maybe also something about feeling like it’s his rather than your home, and that you’re imposing

I’m sorry if I’ve misunderstood, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve actually tried calmly explaining how you’re feeling. You can do the shit sandwich thing and bookend the issues with stuff about what you are enjoying about being together. And you can be very self-depreciating about how needing the time alone is your own quirk, rather than any reflection on him, if you find that easier and think it may be more productive.

Successful long-term relationships do require communication, though! I’ve had it before where I’ve grown resentful of stuff my husband did, or didn’t do, and it was only resolved when I eventually actually communicated it properly.

I might be very off beam here but I'm getting the impression because you got together a bit older maybe you are both a little more set in your ways. Because it's his house his being a little more fixed in his ways is perhaps a bit harder to shift as he hasn't changed environments. But you also seem to be a little shy of tackling it. Maybe you feel somehow yourself like a visitor in his house when it should be as much your house.

It sounds extreme but would moving house mean you two could start again with more joint ownership over the space and new mutual habits formed? If not possible what about a big rearrange and redecorate or just a rearrange? Firstly it seems paramount that you should have your own room or private space. A study maybe that doubles as a chill out room with TV or laptop or comfy sofa to lie out on? Your own space. This space is yours to do whatever you need. Second, this space is not shared and he can't come in or knocks if so. But coming in should be discouraged. He could then have his personal space too. If there isn't enough rooms then maybe take over the spare bedroom if there is one or else carve out some space in the existing rooms. Like another person mentioned he could get the sitting room in evening and you get the bedroom or something like this. Then you need to carve out time like saying I'm off to chill for an hour no interruptions unless emergency see you in a bit. Maybe start small like just an hour but keep it strict. I mentioned redecorating maybe to give you both that sense that this is as much your place as his now. It might change how you both think about it.

The other thing I'm wondering if whether he is not confident taking your son out alone. Could you maybe set something up and go along with him the first few times then he go himself? Could he go and see family so he is taking ds but has a bit of support initially whilst his confidence builds? Sorry if that is all wrong. Just a couple of things I picked out from your posts.

I’m amazed you have a dh that can’t take your day to say, a swimming lesson on a Saturday morning. I’d have to insist - no wonder you’re feeling like getting in a car and driving away. Seriously? He sounds exasperating and I can’t quite understand why he can’t make a simple commitment to do something for a few set hours each weekend.

1) this time alone is really important for your well-being, and ability to be a good wife and mother, you need time alone to recharge

He doesn’t understand. Partly because I’ve never been stopped from doing anything alone and partly because - trust me on this - start a thread in AIBU (dare you!) saying something along these lines and you’ll get several posts flaming you because love (apparently) is wanting to be with the other all of the time and besides, it’s his house. Trust me, he will not get it. At all.

2) when he promises he’ll do things and then doesn’t, or faffs for ages and ages and makes you stressed and have to keep asking, it feels like he doesn’t care about the impact that has
on your or take your needs and wants seriously

Sure but nothing will change.

3) maybe also something about feeling like it’s his rather than your home, and that you’re imposing

I have spoken to him about this and he is upset I feel that way. It doesn’t mean anything will change though.

I think we all feel like that sometimes. One of my favourite things to do is to sit in the car on my own when we get home from somewhere, especially if it's been a long drive. Just the quiet is what I need, it may just be 10 mins but it's so relaxing.
However, you should be able to take some time for yourself - just talk to your DH about it.

[quote Daisyonthelawn]@spacehardware I’ve tried but there does come a point where discussion, talk etc become completely meaningless because he just does not get it. And I know that and I accept it because I have to, but I do feel so drained by it. It really isn’t about cleaning, though. The state of the house really is the least important thing on my mind at present.[/quote]
I’m sorry to grill you, but I’d be keen to know how these conversations go.

I don’t think you can just accept there’s no hope of him attempting to make even small changes that would really improve your quality of life. I think your resentment will gradually increase and it will affect how you interact with him and just drive a huge wedge.

It would for me, anyway. If you really don’t think it’s possible to make him understand (or care?) about things that really affect you, that’s pretty bleak.

I’m certainly not saying LTB, I’m saying you need to work to maintain the relationship and he needs to ne made to understand that work is necessary.

@daffodilsbluebells I suppose because the less you do the less you want to do. But I’m not getting wound up about it, it isn’t worth it. It’s a shame the threads become a bit of a husband pile on in a way.

It's a pile on your husband because your problem is he's a selfish arse!

I get you. I evict mine. He would just be there all the time without being motivated to head on out. We’ve negotiated when I need him out so I can just feel the space around me.