I feel as if I hate my “new life.”

[Daisyonthelawn]

I am an older mum and I definitely thought that being a wife and mum had passed me by. I know some people would have been fine with that but to be honest I never was, I knew I wanted children and I knew that I wanted a family. In my late 30s I had a now or never approach and joined a dating site.

I met DH online, but I lived in a different city at the time. I moved in with him a couple of months before lockdown, but I still had my own place (it’s now let out.) We have a DS who is now 14 months. So life has changed, very dramatically, in the last 2 years I have got married, been pregnant, had a baby, changed cities, home, job.

I do love my DH, and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. At the same time though, I am struggling.

Before I met DH my life wasn’t great. In some ways it was a bit chaotic. I tended to drift from job to job a lot, and even from place to place (possibly because there was nothing holding me to any particular place) I’d see jobs in different areas of the country and just apply there and move if I got the job, then when I didn’t like it I’d move back. I was lonely a lot - most of my friends had small children - and so if I wanted to do something ‘normal’ like go on holiday I’d have to go myself. This came at a cost and I was also permanently skint.

As I’ve said above I now feel so much more content in many ways. Having two incomes offers a much bigger security - a few months ago my car needed £600 worth of work doing and a few years ago that would have been a disaster but I barely noticed it this time. I do genuinely love DH and as for DS, I adore him. I love where we live and have made friends as well as renewing some old friendships (am more accepted as a mum I’ve noticed which is wrong but I am not arguing.) Work feels more stable than ever before. So far all is good.

But this past week or so I’ve felt so unhappy and have struggled to put a finger on it. and I think the issue is I feel really suffocated by DH. He isn’t a controlling man but he is always here. I never get a quiet minute with a book or a television show to just be and be quiet and just be.

It sounds horrible but I’m sort of longing for my old life which is stupid as my old life was horrible. But I want to get in my car and drive miles to the coast, or to a different city or something.

I don’t want to leave. I just really feel odd, as if I’m living in a bit of a fish bowl.

I do this, I ask for DH to watch the kids then I go upstairs to read / nap / have some alone time.

It’s not odd we both have our personal time to use how we want (gym / naps etc).

You're saying

"DH won't change"

What I'm trying to say is that he needs to, he will always faff but the key thing is he needs to accept that you have NEEDS too, they are different to his, but he should help your needs be met.

That bit he does need to adapt to. I genuinely think he is obviously, he doesn't understand this need you have - otherwise he does understand but absolutely doesn't care???

It took me a long time to understand DH need to be alone and feel hurt that he didn't want to be chilling in my wonderful company 😆 I still roll my eyes when he goes for his 1-2 hour baths most evenings but I "get it" now.

[quote Daisyonthelawn]**@Clymene* you bit my head off, swore at me, informed me I was rude and flounced off the thread and you are now telling me I* am reacting spikily

I do not mind criticism of DH up to a point and I have indulged in it, but I also have to be pragmatic, he won’t change, I don’t want to leave, so I am really talking more about how I feel than wanting practical advice.

It is extremely helpful when people say ‘it’s not just you. I feel / would feel the same.’ It helps. That’s perhaps a weak response, but it does.[/quote]
I reacted spikily to you reacting spikily! I'm sorry I swore at you.

Honestly, I think the way you're feeling is completely normal. Especially with a small child. I don't know if that feeling of being touched out is worse when you're an older mother who has been single for a long time but god it totally did my head in.

I wanted to scream by the evening with toddlers. Just at being pawed at all day.

Covid has made everything much more stifling.

I think all you can do is tell him. Tell him you need him to go out with your child tomorrow morning by 10am and not return until 1pm. Be directive.

Could you say you are going to the spare room marking homework or some other excuse, and just sit and rest/read/go online? Make it a regular thing e.g. twice a week for 2 hours.

Also you could go on an errand and build in time for going to a coffee shop, sitting in the car. I do this. I do the food shop alone and build in this regular time.

Twice a year I had a 2 day course in another city. I would go and stay a night in a hotel alone, dinner out shopping, relaxing.

I hide the fact that I want alone time. You may not need to hide it. I stay up later than dh at the weekends so I get an hour or two then.

Another idea is to go for a walk alone but just amble and enjoy the peace. I do this every day for half an hour and I really value the headspace.

“Even if I didn’t, tbh I’d do those difficult twenty years three times over it I got DS out of it. There is no frustration or sadness or irritation in my life that will live in me longer than the joy he brings, has brung, is bringing.“
This ❤️

I tell my husband quite frequently that I need some alone time. I’ll go for a walk and listen to a podcast or go to a coffee shop and read a book. I like my own company and I like to be alone sometimes. He looks after our daughter while I’m out. He sometimes asks for the same.

On Friday I went to a spa on my own and talked to no one all day - it was bliss. Just tell him you need some time on your own and remind him that you used to have a lot of it and, for a lot of reasons, it’s been a rough 2 years.

DH used to come home have the DC in the lounge for cuddles and TV and whatever and I used to shut myself in the kitchen to cook, no radio, no nothing.

Wasn't until the DC were older and he did the school pick up and cook that he understood 😆 when I worked away it was utterly bliss!

Like everyone else says, you just need a break.
My DH takes DS out for a long walk / to the garden etc to give me some peace at the weekend as I'm home with DS full time right now. Your husband needs to step here and give you some time.

It's not just you, I absolutely feel like this all the time. I love my husband and I love my children, but I could really do with a month to myself at home. My DH does sometimes take the kids out and away, but to me it doesn't even start to count as time to myself unless they're away overnight somewhere. I need and desperately want huge chunks of time all by myself. It's my favourite thing when DH takes the kids to see his parents and leaves me in peace at home.

I would get nothing I need out of taking up a hobby outside the home or even going for a walk by myself, because what I'm after is total solitude in my own space.

Does your DH have parents he can visit for a long weekend every 6 weeks or so? Mine once went away with the kids for 5 days in a row. Utter bliss, and I was so refreshed and happy to see them when they all returned. I can't wait for it to happen again. My DH will ask for suggestions for what he can give me for a birthday or something, and I'll always say just go visit your parents and take the kids.

So, this is a very similar situation I found myself on. Permanently single for 33 years and then within 2 years married with baby on the way. I now have two kids with DH and I love them and love him dearly. I do struggle
Frequently with "mourning" my old life.

What I do is just explain to my DH about this and that I need space. It's not that I love him or the kids any less but I need to just remember who old me was a little. Every couple of months or so we alternate and take him or me going to to the grandparents for a weekend with the kids and the other stays at home and does what they like guilt free. I like to chill, read books and drink wine.DH likes to garden. At first he found it hard when I would express how I desperately just needed to be alone sometimes, but after talking it through and explaining that I went from 33 years of doing what I wanted when o wanted and just worrying about me, to suddenly having to consider a partner and then kids, he did get it. Maybe something to try. X

I get it. I used to just up and walk out of the flat if I wanted to, like if it looked like a beautiful evening and I wanted to be out walking in it, or I read about a museum I'd like to visit. The freedom to be spontaneous in this pootley kind of way was really important to me.
My daughter is now just turned 3 and it's coming back. I felt very very drained by constantly being with her for her first year, and maybe I'd have got back the freedom faster if it hadn't been for covid. But I have more time now to just potter, think my thoughts, go out spontaneously. Still can't do everything I'd want to but I get to spend nights away from home etc and that ends up being enough for me.

I have just ended a 4 year relationship for this very reason. I was so used to living on my own that I struggled to adapt to living with my partner when he moved in.

I was his be all and end all ... and I know many women would love it but I just found it stifling and claustrophobic. He wasn't possessive or anything like that but he didn't nurture existing friendships or want to do anything that didn't involve me doing it with him. Like you I craved guilt-free time alone in my own home.

I did mention it as an issue several times and he would make a half hearted attempt to go off and do stuff outside the home but would then revert to his default mode of me being his primary/sole focus.

I have decided that any relationship I enter will be with a man who has his own hobbies, friendships and interests which he will not abandon the minute a woman shows a hint of interest in him.

I hope you find a way of making him see the importance of this problem OP for the sake of your relationship.

Well you can say you have taken up meditating and disappear for an hour.
It's said tone good for you in many ways so he shouldn't complain.

I hear you OP. How you describe your pre and post baby life really resonates with me. I have 2 young children, 3 and 5, and crave being alone and quiet. Like you say, I don't want a(nother) hobby, I just want to be alone and quiet.

I don't really have anything to add. My husband takes the kids to a class on a Saturday morning and I put a wash on / stare into space.

The adjustment to having kids after being single for so long hasn't been / isn't an easy one.

But like you, it's worth it. I had had a pretty transient, lonely life with little support, and was a teacher. I don't teach now but still work in education and feel less drained than being class facing.

This life is 100% better but not simple. Oh and I had therapy too, not about this, but it came up and yes, just how important for me it is to have a little silence, when I guess I was used to so much. I also did a meditation course and now try to do it daily. Like others have said, it gives me an exit out for 20 mins and I unexpectedly love it. And my kids now expect me to disappear too and ask when I'm going to do it.

Hang in there.

My kids are teenagers and largely do their own thing but i still get incredibly sick of people talking to me at home because I have a job that involves talking all day (much like you). Every 6 weeks or so I book a cheap hotel room in the city. It's bliss. It's like sensory deprivation - total silence for 18 hours, only the sound of the tv if that's what i want. Read books, eat, sleep.
My parents are retired and have a good relationship. But the nonstop company bothers them so they have an agreement that they each leave the house for four hours one day a week.

We're constantly told that humans are social creatures, connection is so important, loneliness is bad for your health blah blah blah... all true.... but it's also true that a certain amount of solitude is regenerative and good for mental health.

Tldr there's nothing pathological about the way you feel OP, you just need to find some way to get what you need.

Just talk to him and tell him that you need some time to just be. I get what you are saying as I am the very same, need time alone to just sometimes read, relax, browse online and not have anyone bother me so I can recharge my batteries. Some people can never be alone and crave company all the time but I like some downtime alone and just make time to go to your room alone and tell him this is important for your peace of mind and explain how you lived alone and were used to your free time and tell him it is nothing to do with him but just it is important to you.

@Daisyonthelawn

I'm exactly the same OP, only it feels too mean to say "I don't want to go out, I want all of you to go out and come back in a few hours

This is exactly the problem and it just doesn’t happen. There are a myriad of reasons for this.

I am on holiday next week and DS will be in nursery for two days so that should be a great opportunity except it won’t be as I’ll have DH faffing about. It sounds awful but I do think it gets to me on a deep level, where I feel irritable and somehow crabby all the time. On a very low level, but still.

I say this. I have a dh and 2 dc, we wfh, always together.

Every so often (daily when they were little) I’ll send them off for a walk for a couple of hours, so I can be alone.

Never been a problem.

Can you talk to him. Explain how not getting any alone , nothing time is affecting you.
I get what your saying. My H loves company or my company. I love being with him etc but also crave nothing time. Being alone in the house. I dread the thought of him retiring as I'll never get those hours as he wants to do things or be together all the time. I'm putting boundaries down now but it's hard.
I get what you're saying.

I 100% get this. I think the WFH phenomenon must have massively exacerbated the issue for couples. There is so little genuine alone time now.
I have in the past booked a premier inn bedroom for £69 and just gone and slept there and relished in the perfect quiet.
Otherwise you need to put your toddler in his outdoor clothes, throw your husband his coat and say please take him to Tesco, I really need (lemons, bread, anything) and he can feed the ducks on the way home.
That’s an hour break right there

@Daisyonthelawn

I'm exactly the same OP, only it feels too mean to say "I don't want to go out, I want all of you to go out and come back in a few hours

This is exactly the problem and it just doesn’t happen. There are a myriad of reasons for this.

I am on holiday next week and DS will be in nursery for two days so that should be a great opportunity except it won’t be as I’ll have DH faffing about. It sounds awful but I do think it gets to me on a deep level, where I feel irritable and somehow crabby all the time. On a very low level, but still.

Book a spa for your day off if this is possible? Not a treatment just use of spa facilities ...I love sitting around and doing nothing at a spa ...just me my book and the occasional swim steam etc x

I think this is really common in people who came to "settled" life later than others. I did, and have two friends who were also mid thirties before becoming wives/mothers. We all often say we miss our old flats, and our old lives!! Even though we were pretty lonely and miserable at times, and now life is relatively much better. I think it's normal to miss a life you lived for a long time!

The people who are saying that they do this and it isn’t a problem are those with husbands or partners who understand. If yours just doesn’t then that becomes a source of frustration and irritation very quickly.

@Daisyonthelawn

The people who are saying that they do this and it isn’t a problem are those with husbands or partners who understand. If yours just doesn’t then that becomes a source of frustration and irritation very quickly.

He doesn’t need to “understand”.

He doesn’t need to agree, or think it’s necessary, or want it himself.

He only has to hear you, and act on your forcefully expressed feelings.

“DH I really need some time to myself on a regular basis. I know you don’t necessarily understand it, but it’s important for my mental health. Please can you take DS out for a few hours every weekend at a regular time, as part of a routine? If you want the same amount of time alone at home I can do the same thing.”

Start there.

Totally get this OP. I need time alone in the house and if I don't get it I get a very weird irritable feeling. I often do nothing when I get it too. It's just complete down time.

I have gone to stay in a local hotel alone sometimes. That can be quite relaxing although it's not exactly the same.

If you can't get DH out of the house for something he genuinely wants to do then they may be your best bet. It doesn't need to be an expensive hotel - I had a picnic dinner in the room in front of the TV (it's about being alone, not living it up!). It's just the time and place to do nothing. The advantage of that is that you also don't look around and see housework to do - or try to ignore that needs doing.

I think you can approach this with your DH by explaining that you need time to yourself. You love him but you're used to having time to yourself so you're going to take yourself off for the night. If even a cheap hotel (can be deals found online too) is out of the question then you'll have to explain it more explicitly and say you know it's weird but that's a quirky thing about you and is there a way he can help you get a bit of time to yourself (like an entire day/half day not an hour).

Don't be ashamed of this btw. There's nothing wrong with you! But it can be tricky to talk about and not be misunderstood, especially by the partner who can feel rejected if you're not tactful (but clear).

@Merryoldgoat

What do you actually want?

Because this thread is pointless if you don’t know and/or aren’t willing to advocate for yourself.

I can say to my husband ‘I need some time alone. Can you take the boys out?’ And he does it.

If your husband and you are unable to communicate effectively your marriage will collapse so sort out what you want and talk to him about how you get it.

This. Very much this