I feel as if I hate my “new life.”

[Daisyonthelawn]

I am an older mum and I definitely thought that being a wife and mum had passed me by. I know some people would have been fine with that but to be honest I never was, I knew I wanted children and I knew that I wanted a family. In my late 30s I had a now or never approach and joined a dating site.

I met DH online, but I lived in a different city at the time. I moved in with him a couple of months before lockdown, but I still had my own place (it’s now let out.) We have a DS who is now 14 months. So life has changed, very dramatically, in the last 2 years I have got married, been pregnant, had a baby, changed cities, home, job.

I do love my DH, and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. At the same time though, I am struggling.

Before I met DH my life wasn’t great. In some ways it was a bit chaotic. I tended to drift from job to job a lot, and even from place to place (possibly because there was nothing holding me to any particular place) I’d see jobs in different areas of the country and just apply there and move if I got the job, then when I didn’t like it I’d move back. I was lonely a lot - most of my friends had small children - and so if I wanted to do something ‘normal’ like go on holiday I’d have to go myself. This came at a cost and I was also permanently skint.

As I’ve said above I now feel so much more content in many ways. Having two incomes offers a much bigger security - a few months ago my car needed £600 worth of work doing and a few years ago that would have been a disaster but I barely noticed it this time. I do genuinely love DH and as for DS, I adore him. I love where we live and have made friends as well as renewing some old friendships (am more accepted as a mum I’ve noticed which is wrong but I am not arguing.) Work feels more stable than ever before. So far all is good.

But this past week or so I’ve felt so unhappy and have struggled to put a finger on it. and I think the issue is I feel really suffocated by DH. He isn’t a controlling man but he is always here. I never get a quiet minute with a book or a television show to just be and be quiet and just be.

It sounds horrible but I’m sort of longing for my old life which is stupid as my old life was horrible. But I want to get in my car and drive miles to the coast, or to a different city or something.

I don’t want to leave. I just really feel odd, as if I’m living in a bit of a fish bowl.

I really am not looking for a hobby. I am so so sorry it that sounds sharp. I honestly do not mean it that way at all. But that’s not why I am posting.

I know exactly where you're coming from OP and I'm the same.

You need space and time to do nothing, and just be you. Not someone's wife, or someone's mother, or even someone else's boss or employee. Just you.

Could you suggest to your DH that perhaps he takes your dc out for a couple of hours in the morning or afternoon at the weekend? My dad always used to take me to the supermarket and the library every Saturday morning, and it only recently dawned on me why!

Just tell him your going to bed to relax in silence for an hour? Or going to read a book or like you say do nothing. Just say your taking an hour, get in the car and drive somewhere/anywhere and just watch the world tick by. I enjoy getting a latte from mcdonalds drive through and sit in ikea carpark haha

Here you go OP

Four minutes and seven seconds of excellent music by one of my favourite composers to accompany your doing nothing.

(I completely empathise, btw.)

I feel like this so much, it’s normal. I don’t have children as I never wanted them but my husband has two, they are really lovely children & live with their wonderful mum but are here regular, which is brilliant. In the summer holidays he takes the children to visit his parents for 3 days & I get a lot of snippy remarks from MIL & FIL because I don’t go, but honestly I am so grateful & appreciative of those 3 days. I went from single woman with a party life who lived alone for 14 years & with other party girls before that, I loved my own company & hobbies & lived my own way, now to this completely different life where I feel swamped by the responsibility of everyday life & I don’t feel like myself, I feel like less than I was, and there is always someone here. Apart from work (I work from home) I am never by myself. I’m not saying I don’t like my life, I’m grateful for everything I have, but I feel under the pressure of obligation to other people all of the time & if I get that chance to switch off from this for 3 days out of 365 then I am massively grateful for the break.
On these 3 days I don’t have to do anything outside of managing myself. When I clean / tidy it stays that way. It’s peaceful. I appreciate it so much, what I took for granted as a single woman

I'm exactly the same OP, only it feels too mean to say "I don't want to go out, I want all of you to go out and come back in a few hours!"

Could you persuade your DH to do a regular club with DS on a Saturday morning? Baby gymnastics, or Little Kickers? So you could have a bit of regular time to yourself?

I completely understand how you are feeling and what you are saying about not wanting a hobby, you just want time to yourself to do nothing! This is completely normal so don’t worry!

I had the same feeling just a couple of weeks ago. My husband finally got it and took my little one to his mums for the afternoon and stayed there to give me some time on my own. It was bliss! Helped me reset a bit and he understood once I could explain to him out of the fuzz I was in why I needed it.

I hope you get the time to yourself as it’s needed and completely normal!

Have you actually told your husband you need some alone time? He's not a mind reader.

@Robin843

My husband thinks I do yoga in the bedroom most evenings. I say "right I'm off to do some yoga and meditation for an hour" shut myself in the bedroom and read or surf the web, watch telly, whatever. Works for me! I don't suppose there are many women who drink whisky and ginger while meditating, but I do 😄

Haha! That made me laugh.

It's seems you've never really worked out who you are and developed yourself. So perhaps some counselling would help with this. No one's partner can solve this mystery or be the missing piece of you.

I'm exactly the same OP, only it feels too mean to say "I don't want to go out, I want all of you to go out and come back in a few hours

This is exactly the problem and it just doesn’t happen. There are a myriad of reasons for this.

I am on holiday next week and DS will be in nursery for two days so that should be a great opportunity except it won’t be as I’ll have DH faffing about. It sounds awful but I do think it gets to me on a deep level, where I feel irritable and somehow crabby all the time. On a very low level, but still.

14 months old is old enough to be left with Dad for the day.

You can leave in the morning, go for a drive to wherever you want and come back for bedtime.

You don't need to explain yourself to DH but you do need to tell him "I need some time to do my own thing, you will have DC".

It sounds like you've been playacting at being the perfect mum and wife and you're a bit sick of it now?

I was very unhappy before marriage and DC, I'm much happier now but still guilty of retreating into a role rather than being genuine and facing the horrible complicated depressing feelings I have about life. Part of it is people pleasing and part of it is.. just not being happy because I don't really know what happiness is or how to sustain it.

We all do the best we can. My 2p is to "top up" the alone time you need, don't let it all build up.

@Daisyonthelawn

I think people are misunderstanding a bit here and that’s my fault. I haven’t been clear at all.

But if I take up a hobby that’s one more “thing to do” - even if I ultimately really enjoy (let’s say) yoga. I still have to get my stuff ready and go and do it and come back and that’s honestly the absolute opposite of what I want. I don’t want to do something. I want to do nothing. Alone.

I understand OP, it isn't about classes, or the gym, or any other 'task'. It's about a bit of freedom to do exactly what you want, when you want - and that includes the option to do nothing at all - on your own.

I have felt the same at times, and it's a case of being honest and telling your DH that you need time to just be, and how important it is to you. Hopefully that time will help you to feel more settled again

I totally understand. If I wasn't with dc, I was at work. And as dc got older and could have a playdate without me, dh would immediately think it was 'his turn' for my attention. I just wanted, like you, to be left alone. One day I remember I was sick and couldn't go to work. I still took dc to nursery and went home to an empty house because dh was at work. It was bliss even though I was ill! I just sat in the house, alone. Wonderful.

@Merlott but I suppose what I’m saying is I don’t know that I necessarily want to do that. When I say I sometimes want to get in my car and drive away, I don’t literally mean that I want to set out in the morning as wife and mummy and drive and wander round aimlessly like the good/bad old days for hours before returning. It’s very hard to articulate exactly what I do mean, other than if I told DH I was doing this I think he’d be slightly bemused but would ultimately be okay with it … but then I’d still return to me. And that’s not an escape.

Tell him you need some space on your one, explain that you’re happier than you’ve ever been but instead of having hobbies or having me time doing things, you need some you time to do nothing. Could be chillin in your room, the park or going to the coast but alone.
He should understand it’s been a big change for you and get that you need some time alone.

I think just ask for it. Say you’re craving some alone time and would appreciate him taking the baby out for a couple of hours every Sunday or something. Other him the same. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request, and framed as time totally to yourself, away from your child, I don’t think it will be potentially hurtful in the way asking for time away from your husband specifically might be.

dh would immediately think it was 'his turn' for my attention I sympathise with this.

@BingBangB0ng but he won’t.

I'm exactly the same OP, only it feels too mean to say "I don't want to go out, I want all of you to go out and come back in a few hours

I sometimes say exactly that - but it helps a lot that DH feels the same. We love each other very much but we both need both some time going out to do our own thing and some time staying in the house alone to do our own thing, so we both understand that the other one needs that too. I know you say you've tried to encourage your DH to go out more, OP, but have you been clear why? He might just think it's something you're saying for his sake, and so that if he's not fussed it doesn't matter. It might make it easier if you ask him to take DS out, as that makes it seem less like you're trying to get rid of DH specifically (even if you are!) and more that you just want the house to yourself for a few hours.

I know exactly what you mean. DH has to take DD out for a few hours on the weekend so i can have a shower and a coffee in peace and quiet otherwise I would explode. I empty the dishwasher, tidy up for 20 minutes then thats me done, rest of that time I will be reading or just surfing the web. Get your DH to take the baby out to the park or a playgroup or whatever for a bit on the weekend.

Well just take a minute. Hes not a child. Tell him you need a day to yourself. Any real man/father will be cool with this

Why won't he take the baby out on his own? Ask him directly "how would you cope if I die". I know that sounds extreme but it's always been my 'mantra' ... I never wanted to be the primary parent.

@Branleuse

Its a week or so. Life isnt blissful all the time. Maybe youre due a little break?

That's what I think.

How you are feeling is not unusual, op. It will pass. Of course it would help if your husband wasn't home all the time (though some would be glad of that), but if that's the way it is, there's not much you can do about it other than asking him to take over completely sometimes to give you a break.

Things will change as your baby gets older. However you do sound very happy with him which is delightful to read.

Thanks @HardbackWriter

I have tried but one very frustrating habit DH does have is that he’ll say he’s going to do something - over and over - and puts it off until it’s pointless. I remember being frustrated to the point of tears when I’d had DS (c section) and we didn’t have much food in and I kept asking him to go to the supermarket and ‘yeah sure i will on just a minute’ which lasted nearly eight hours. I honestly felt like LTB that day.

It’s similar now with DS. I’ve asked if he could take him out for an hour or so, mostly so I can get schoolwork done (teacher) and he stalls it until it’s raining or dark or DS is having a tantrum or whatever. Short of telling him to fuck off, and believe me I’ve been tempted, I don’t know what else to do!

The other issue is I’m living in his house and sometimes - just sometimes - it very much feels that way.