I feel as if I hate my “new life.”

[Daisyonthelawn]

I am an older mum and I definitely thought that being a wife and mum had passed me by. I know some people would have been fine with that but to be honest I never was, I knew I wanted children and I knew that I wanted a family. In my late 30s I had a now or never approach and joined a dating site.

I met DH online, but I lived in a different city at the time. I moved in with him a couple of months before lockdown, but I still had my own place (it’s now let out.) We have a DS who is now 14 months. So life has changed, very dramatically, in the last 2 years I have got married, been pregnant, had a baby, changed cities, home, job.

I do love my DH, and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. At the same time though, I am struggling.

Before I met DH my life wasn’t great. In some ways it was a bit chaotic. I tended to drift from job to job a lot, and even from place to place (possibly because there was nothing holding me to any particular place) I’d see jobs in different areas of the country and just apply there and move if I got the job, then when I didn’t like it I’d move back. I was lonely a lot - most of my friends had small children - and so if I wanted to do something ‘normal’ like go on holiday I’d have to go myself. This came at a cost and I was also permanently skint.

As I’ve said above I now feel so much more content in many ways. Having two incomes offers a much bigger security - a few months ago my car needed £600 worth of work doing and a few years ago that would have been a disaster but I barely noticed it this time. I do genuinely love DH and as for DS, I adore him. I love where we live and have made friends as well as renewing some old friendships (am more accepted as a mum I’ve noticed which is wrong but I am not arguing.) Work feels more stable than ever before. So far all is good.

But this past week or so I’ve felt so unhappy and have struggled to put a finger on it. and I think the issue is I feel really suffocated by DH. He isn’t a controlling man but he is always here. I never get a quiet minute with a book or a television show to just be and be quiet and just be.

It sounds horrible but I’m sort of longing for my old life which is stupid as my old life was horrible. But I want to get in my car and drive miles to the coast, or to a different city or something.

I don’t want to leave. I just really feel odd, as if I’m living in a bit of a fish bowl.

I get how you feel completely. I am a divorced mam But both my children are adults (age 19 and 24) and both live at home plus I am a childminder so I have other peoples babies here during the week.
I love my life and I don’t regret any of it but lately I just want to have my own house to myself in complete silence. Just for a few days. I don’t know whether it’s the last 2 years with everyone at home more often. Dd had to finish her degree & then did a masters all from home and ds finished his last 2 years of school at home so we’ve all been on top of each other. Of course the babies are here during the week but they’re fine. They are my job & they’re very good babies & they go home every evening so that’s all good.
My friend keeps saying I need a holiday but I keep telling her that’s not it. I want a “holiday” in my own house where there’s nobody here for a week. Nobody looking for my attention. Nobody phoning me or texting me or popping in. I just want silence. That’s it.
At the moment my favourite time of day is very early morning. I get up before 6am even though the first baby doesn’t arrive til after 8am. I get up and am showered & dressed before 6:30. I have my breakfast in lovely quiet & I sit on the sofa with a cuppa until 8am. I know I prob should be exercising or something but I enjoy that quiet moment so much. It’s like a meditation for me.

But you do feel discontent with an aspect of your life (no alone time, no hope of getting any) that will be much exacerbated by another child. That’s what Ragwort was saying.

Early days/years of any relationship take work.
Early days of living together takes work.
Early days/years of a marriage take work. (Middle & later years too!)
Adjusting to being first time parents takes work (so much work).

It’s a lot of work all at once if you’re doing it all at once.

And if you don’t have good communication skills, or if you do have unhelpful patterns from childhood or whatever, then it’s all much more difficult.

And another baby and child makes it really hard if you haven’t got the fundamentals sorted.

Well its good hes taken LO out today. Hopefully he may have got the hint! I see that you are going off now so have a nice rest! Sometimes "LTB" seems a stock phrase on here! I think if the weather stays nice you could gradually build this up on a weekly or bi weekly basis. I think maybe you seem afraid of upsetting him if you ask for Time Out, as it were. Often it takes a bit of a row to get him to see your point , He is still the same DH and if you have words its not the end of the world! Maybe wont come to this if he gets into the habit anyway

I think you want to be told that your need for alone time will lessen. I don't think it does. I have teenagers and I'll still tuck myself away upstairs to read. I have no compunction about it and they learnt to respect that.

Being direct isn't a relationship breaker.

Everyone has agreed that your wish for periods of solitude is normal and understandable. The rest is up to you.

For many years all I wanted was a tea, the newspapers and two hours of peace on a Sunday.
By the time I got that, I wanted a coffee and the papers online although the dog is still a bit needy but easier to ignore.
What you’re feeling is entirely normal for people who have been independent for years as adults. My friends were all in the same boat and dealt with it in different ways: childcare on their day off, paid help with cleaning, parents taking turns with the kids but not even talking to the other parent unless the house was burning down! In my case I just snatched the odd tea or night out which was what recharged me.
Hang on in there - this stage won’t last long. By school age it is all very different again and you have time when they have a friend over to play.

I don’t think the need will lessen but I think you do adapt and you do become accustomed to the ‘new normal’ (much as I hate that phrase!)

@Daisyonthelawn

What’s stopping you from driving to the coast for the day? Or go stay with a friend for the weekend??

DS. I mean, in theory l could but then it’s too long to have him in a car seat etc …

It’s hard to explain. Not so much hobbies etc. I don’t want to be committed to doing things (DH wouldn’t mind if I did) I want space to do nothing.

Isn't DS 14 months. When mine were small (1990s) I don't remember anyone saying a thing about time in car seats. I only know it's a thing now because of MN. Anyway, regardless of that, you can stop on the motorway and have a break. Service stations have play areas. I understand what you mean Op. We are retired and my husband plays a lot of golf so I have lots of tome to myself. During the lockdowns we were together all the time. It is nice to just breathe a bit. We lived by the sea when I was a child. It is my happy place. I get sudden needs to go and see the sea. To sit by it and smell it and listen to it. We have hills near us. I go up there as it is windy even on a still day. I like to just stand in the wind and let it blow the cobwebs away. It resets my brain. Maybe you should go and sit somewhere whilst your husband has your son and really think what you want to do. Make a list and decide to just do it . As the saying goes "Say yes and work stuff out later ". The baby years are hard. It's okay to dream of a different life.

I completely understand. I also am quite wistful about the house I lived in alone, my Sunday morning paper in bed. Alone alone alone.

I was also scared of being alone forever, and I think that is the human condition; the grass is always greener.

I also really value time alone in the house doing something or nothing. I'm lucky that my husband works shifts so I do get quite a lot of evenings alone. Children are obviously in bed, but good sleepers. It means such a lot to me when they all just bugger off out and leave me behind.

If it's any consolation, my eldest is 4 now and much less suffocating and able to entertain himself without me being in the same room. I've got a two year old as well so i'm not out of the woods yet, but it's good to be able to see the end of the toddler years.

the grass is always greener so true, and also extremes of anything aren’t good. Like being starving isn’t good but neither is being so full that you feel sick, same with being too hot / cold.

I do think it will get easier, it already is easier, but I’ve been a bit low lately - and I will be speaking to DH about that, I just won’t be ordering him out of the house for pre agreed hours!

Why do you think there's a fair few #vanlife middle-aged women!?

You can't be what you're not. Take the child and do a bit of free spirit stuff...

You were alone for 20 years and confess it was difficult and you weren’t happy. You now have a whole thread of people telling you how to live in a family while maintaining your sense of self - communication really is the key, as much as you don’t want to hear it.

Instead you just seem to want to grumble about your husband on the internet and tell people they don’t understand what it’s like when many of the women on here will have navigated all of this at some point and are telling you from experience that it can improve.

Totally feel your situation, it is really draining. I am also an older mum with a wfh husband. I am also an introvert and love my own company (which I now never get). My DH is also a faffer so I really do totally get it. Just wondering how old you are? I am late 40s and peri menopausal which I think exacerbates things too. I have just been prescribed hrt (although it seems to be like gold dust at the moment so haven't started it yet). Hoping it might help with the constant mild irritability that seems to surround me at the moment. Worth a thought?

I’m 41. I do wonder if I have peri starting as periods are haywire but I did also have covid last month and I think they may be related.

It’s pretty clear I am not “grumbling about my husband” @Mummybud

If you don't want to be direct be manipulative.

Find DH a hobby that takes him out of the house every weekend. But him something for his birthday like a tennis racquet, golf club membership, model boat, a bike anything that will get him out of the house every weekend

Aspire to be a cycling widow.

If he's not sporty what about charity work/ something in the community. Volunteer work?

If he doesn't like swimming would he take ds to other sports? He's old enough now to be taken as a spectator.

How often does dh see his mum?

Can you pack them off there every Sunday for lunch?

Tell him you need something from IKEA then feign a headache/ work emergency on the day and send him off on his own with Ds.

Could he take Ds to the cinema?

Does he have any friends, esp ones with young DC's? Siblings? Arrange meet ups.

Some men are so useless the only way they'll do stuff is if a woman dies the legwork. It's for your benefit so just do it.

If you want to be really evil about it you could puncture the car tyre so he has to take it to the garage or book an expensive day out then say you've got a really heavy period on the day.

If you are desperate you have to be inventive!

This is a big downside of so many people working from home. That relentless presence and togetherness is draining. I also have an important need for some time, on my own, in peace, not doing anything in particular. I feel for you OP.

[quote Daisyonthelawn]@daffodilsbluebells I suppose because the less you do the less you want to do. But I’m not getting wound up about it, it isn’t worth it. It’s a shame the threads become a bit of a husband pile on in a way.[/quote]
I haven't read to the end of the thread - but read enough. Whatever anyone suggests to you is wrong - so what is it you want to hear? You don't want a hobby, there is no point asking DH to have one or take DS out...so will you go out? Just say to DH - I've got to do school prep, I'm going to the library / school to do it. Add on an hour to chill and have a coffee. Or whatever it is you want. If you don't want that, then that is all the variables for you being out of the house or him. After that I think you need to ask yourself whether despite DH's good points and the stability you want for your DS, not wanting to be the odd one out....whether you love him wildly enough for this life

Sorry if I've missed it op but you keep asking what's the alternative and then ignoring a lot of suggestions that are different to the ones you don't like and arguing with only the things you don't like which seems frustrating as there are lots of other ideas on here which don't involve the conversation with him. I get that you are feeling a bit low and hence any suggestions might be irritating right now (I do really get that) but a lot of people suggested looking at the house set up and working on making the home as much yours, having your own private space in the home and designated chill space etc. The only reply to any of these suggestions is you didn't want noise cancelling headphones. That poster had put in a very thoughtful and kind post I think but only got that reply

But what about moving together somewhere that is as much both of yours or redecorating or designating areas that are just yours or just your husband's and all the myriad ideas along these lines? These don't involve any awkward conversations about telling him to go out. It's about the house being as much yours as his. I think everyone gets how you feel on here and maybe felt the same. You ask what is the alternative but if you don't want the sit down and talk it through suggestion then these other practical things might help but none of them are engaged with. Another thought people had was him taking ds to visit family. There are lots of smaller ideas on this thread that seem really doable. It might not be an instant solution or feel regular enough initially but may move towards a better set up and routine over time? I suppose what I pick up strongly is this feeling that it's his house and you're not confident there or feel it's yours and can't quite relax. I do think that exhausting. When I first got together with my partner they were living in a flat that had been shared with their ex. I didn't mind that and we were between that and my flat for a bit. But it was sort of important for us to move together to a place we both had input in and which was equally both our homes at some point. And if that's not possible redecorating and changing the place so its properly both people's home and choices can help.

@Daisyonthelawn I don’t think you do adapt. In fact I think the opposite happens, as this need is a big part of you. The frustration will continue to build and build until you can’t take it anymore. It will impact on your entire home life if you don’t speak out for your needs now. The frustration of not having your needs met by a man who doesn’t seem to care about your needs will blow up one day. Also you risk damaging your own esteem in the long run by continually swallowing down your own needs and desires. I would also think seriously about what message you are giving to your child as they get older: it is ok to ignore your own emotional needs for someone else, that it is expected for women to sacrifice their own happiness for men. Is that really what you want them to learn? What about if dad ignores or ‘doesn’t understand’ your DS’s needs in the future? Are you happy with that and would you expect your DS to just suck it up? Also, you say you want another child in the future - if that child is a girl then you are teaching her to defer her needs to men. That leaves her open to a life of unhappiness and potential abuse. As a teacher you must understand the potential damage that would cause. Even if you don’t care about your own needs, maybe think about what sort of example you want to set your child in the future.
You seem to have given up on finding a solution to your problem. DH does not need to understand it at all. But if he loved and respected you then your needs would be important to him and this would not be an issue.

@Hadtocomment it’s not that I am ignoring them but it is just that people are endlessly telling me to talk to DH and I can’t keep repeating myself. Then people get arsey when you say this!

And it is a shame because I do feel better after a vent but I can’t because everyone takes that snapshot moment and twists it.

I understand but if you only engage with the suggestions you really don't want and not the other suggestions it sort of creates an over focus just on the suggestions you don't want to talk about if you see what I mean. I don't think people are being mean by the way as in the end communication is the only long term way and I think people are trying to help. But I also understand that for whatever reason you don't want this right now. I understand venting but I think you need to recognise also we are a bunch of strangers and the thread title is about hating your new life. Hating. You then get quite defensive when people try to help and say you aren't unhappy and quote yourself to show this. But can't you see that starting a thread talking about hating your new life - very strong words - makes people feel you must be unhappy with something and therefore try to suggest things to help you? If it's just a vent and you don't mean it maybe it needs to be presented more comedically or with a much less extreme title. I'm not getting at you Op I'm so sympathetic with your issue and feel it is completely fair to want your own down time. But I do think people on the internet are also real people and most on here seem to be trying to be kind and helpful but not really being treated as such. Maybe some of us are getting it wrong. But we're just ordinary people too op!

Ignore some of the posters here @Daisyonthelawn
If you were one of my friends back when I had babies, we would have been sympathetic because many of us felt the same.
None of us had DH issues either and nearly all are still together. It sounds like wistful looking back and not seeing how you’ll get that time to yourself (head space as much as physical space) soon.

But the only suggestion is talk to him. I have replied, engaged and been fairly open. I can’t make my conversations go in a MN approved way 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ok I'm obviously not being helpful. I thought there were a lot more suggestions than talk to him. Like maybe look at moving, how to make the house more yours and feel more ownership and set up ways of living in the new place together, how to get your own a private space in the house like your own study/room where partner knows it's yours and not to just crash in (it's not that unconventional - lots of people I know do this - partner knocks. Place is for work or retreat time). Looking at redecorating/redesignating. Visiting family. Going to stay in band b or hotel for a couple of nights here and there to restore. I've seen all these suggested that are nothing to do with telling him to leave once a week.

Good luck OP, I'll not comment any more as obviously not helping and reiterating all the above which I've seen over and over is obviously not wanted. But am sympathetic and hope you are able to get that balance better. I think what most people just want to say is don't feel guilty about it and everyone's on your side about it.

But the only suggestion is talk to him.

You are married.

Talking is rather the point. If you cannot talk to your partner about an issue concerning your domestic life, your marriage is … not pointless perhaps, but lacking most of what might make marriage attractive.

I do get it. You’re labouring under a fear of being flung back into the insecurity of your former life. Perhaps you don’t feel you deserve the life you now have and imagine any suggestion that draws attention to your wants and needs will lead to your being shown the door.

Essentially you’ve swapped one type of unbearable precarity for another.