I feel as if I hate my “new life.”

[Daisyonthelawn]

I am an older mum and I definitely thought that being a wife and mum had passed me by. I know some people would have been fine with that but to be honest I never was, I knew I wanted children and I knew that I wanted a family. In my late 30s I had a now or never approach and joined a dating site.

I met DH online, but I lived in a different city at the time. I moved in with him a couple of months before lockdown, but I still had my own place (it’s now let out.) We have a DS who is now 14 months. So life has changed, very dramatically, in the last 2 years I have got married, been pregnant, had a baby, changed cities, home, job.

I do love my DH, and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. At the same time though, I am struggling.

Before I met DH my life wasn’t great. In some ways it was a bit chaotic. I tended to drift from job to job a lot, and even from place to place (possibly because there was nothing holding me to any particular place) I’d see jobs in different areas of the country and just apply there and move if I got the job, then when I didn’t like it I’d move back. I was lonely a lot - most of my friends had small children - and so if I wanted to do something ‘normal’ like go on holiday I’d have to go myself. This came at a cost and I was also permanently skint.

As I’ve said above I now feel so much more content in many ways. Having two incomes offers a much bigger security - a few months ago my car needed £600 worth of work doing and a few years ago that would have been a disaster but I barely noticed it this time. I do genuinely love DH and as for DS, I adore him. I love where we live and have made friends as well as renewing some old friendships (am more accepted as a mum I’ve noticed which is wrong but I am not arguing.) Work feels more stable than ever before. So far all is good.

But this past week or so I’ve felt so unhappy and have struggled to put a finger on it. and I think the issue is I feel really suffocated by DH. He isn’t a controlling man but he is always here. I never get a quiet minute with a book or a television show to just be and be quiet and just be.

It sounds horrible but I’m sort of longing for my old life which is stupid as my old life was horrible. But I want to get in my car and drive miles to the coast, or to a different city or something.

I don’t want to leave. I just really feel odd, as if I’m living in a bit of a fish bowl.

I get this OP. There's something about being in your house alone and like you I rarely experience it.

To be honest I get it one of two ways- a) booking a secret day off and dropping kids to childcare as usual or b) losing my shit and yelling at DH to take the kids out. He doesn't get the subtle hints but I find shouting "I just want to be on my fucking own" works a treat.

If you’re happy to accept your DH for what he is @Daisyonthelawn and not expect much of him and your relationship in terms of mutual understanding of each others needs, then so be it.

I suppose you do end up getting used to it to an extent.

If you look at threads on MN though, every single day there are women on here that can’t cope with their partners not pulling their weight at home/childcare, lacking communication etc years into their relationships, so not everyone can get used to it. I suppose only time will tell if you’ll be the “lucky” one.

It sounds like you've always struggled to find contentment which is an internal issue and unlikely to be fixed by circumstances. In the past, you've moved to avoid the feeling and now that coping strategy has gone, you feel suffocated and empty. I think this is the point where you stop running and try sitting with the feeling, getting counseling, life style changes wherever possible, whatever it takes to feel a bit better. Also, as others have said, many women do feel tethered at this stage and that's a price they pay. Life isn't easy but acknowledging there is no perfect solution out there can bring it's own peace and surprisingly, free you up to see the good in the 'now'. And don't try to be the perfect wife and mother. It's suffocating in itself. You're still very much an individual with private needs and goals.

Its

Sorry, grammar ocd

@Daisyonthelawn

the grass is always greener so true, and also extremes of anything aren’t good. Like being starving isn’t good but neither is being so full that you feel sick, same with being too hot / cold.

I do think it will get easier, it already is easier, but I’ve been a bit low lately - and I will be speaking to DH about that, I just won’t be ordering him out of the house for pre agreed hours!

This seems to go against the MN grain somewhat but I agree that ordering your partner out of the house isn't a great idea. I'd react very badly to being told to get out. Also do posters live in an alternate UK where the weather isn't miserable 75% of the time?

But the key is to allow each other space, me time, alone time while existing in the same house. This is completely normal and can be done. I'm not going to reiterate anything more about communication but if your husband didn't get it the first time you owe it to yourself to try again. I don't know what method of communication will work best, you know your husband. You may have to be extra nice. You may have to flip your lid and yell to get him to realise you're serious. You may just have to repeat your point again and again and again. But something should work! I can't imagine someone being so dense or stubborn or selfish that they ignore any of the above.

Can you have a pretend hobby? Like taking up creative writing? No one needs to know if you're actually doing it, you just need a notebook. Then explain you're an introvert (this can be hurtful for extroverts but necessary for your marriage to work) and NEED this time alone to write.

There's a book by Virginia Woolf called A Room of One's Own about the need for women to have personal space if they're ever to achieve. Very useful for introverts generally as a concept. Your interactional needs are different. He doesn't have to get it, just accept it as an inevitability and accept that it doesn't mean you love him less.

Also talk firmly about the need for DS to have quality time with his dad alone for them to develop a deep bond. He'll want DS to look back and think "me and Dad went to x just the two of us". If that doesn't start early it can be hard to get it going.

When we had smallies the only time alone was early morning before the house woke.

Especially as it's the lightest part of the year.

Get up early, make a coffee, read a bit of a book before the house awakes.

You will feel charged for the day then.

are you not allowed to sit in your bedroom for an hour or two undisturbed? No concept of "door shut means X is working"

If ones partner doesn't actually allow you to have private time, what is the point?

I wouldn't be surprised if you develop headaches either that mean you MUST have silence for an hour so they MUST go to feed the ducks now and potter for at least 90 minutes to allow you to get on top of it or you will have to lie down for the rest of the day.

@Daisyonthelawn

Quite, he won’t do it. I’m certainly not going to change my future plans because a group of women repeatedly insult me

He's not even doing things that would help his wife not feel so suffocated.

Perhaps because he has decided he won't change his plans to do nothing but mither round the house and make noise because a woman repeatedly 'gets on his case'?

I suppose if this continues without any firm attempts to make changes for the OP's sanity because he refuses to 'get it' and the OP refuses to spell it out to him whilst she's slowly dying inside from cabin fever, the one advantage of the eventual separation would be that one person would be finally guaranteed some time alone EOW?

Until then, the only temporary suggestion is to insist upon half an hour in a darkened room with noise cancelling headphones when she gets in from work. Because the OP sounds completely overwhelmed by people and noise and interruption. Also having somewhere clear and calm and organised. Plus a bolt on the inside of the bathroom.

So you can't/won't talk to him about it because he won't "get it" and he won't change, so that is pointless advice?

As many others have said he doesn't need to "get it". You also don't need to "order" him out of the house.

Surely you can have an honest conversation with him about how important having some alone time is for your wellbeing? It doesn't matter if he doesn't "get it". What matters is that he hears it is something YOU need, and as someone who loves you, he makes an effort to accommodate it.

If you don't feel you can have that honest conversation, or he is not prepared to try to accommodate something that you are telling him you need for your wellbeing, I think you have much bigger problems than just needing some alone time.

@Daisyonthelawn

The people who are saying that they do this and it isn’t a problem are those with husbands or partners who understand. If yours just doesn’t then that becomes a source of frustration and irritation very quickly.

My DH doesn't understand why I need so much time to myself. We've had some hard talks and even arguments about it, and I used to feel much more guilty and strange about it. The first time he took the kids to his parents without me was very strange, and I think it was awkward for all of us, including his parents. I'm sure everyone else would have been more comfortable if I'd just gone along, but when I persisted and stayed by myself out ended up being so easy for everyone. DH had his parents to help with the kids, his parents had their beloved son and grandchildren, and I had my treasured solitude. I make sure they all know how much I care about them, so no one feels unloved or neglected. It's just become a new normal thing for us, he goes and I stay. It doesn't happen anywhere near often enough to suit me, but it's good enough for now and the kids are easier and easier as they get older.

@Robin843

My husband thinks I do yoga in the bedroom most evenings. I say "right I'm off to do some yoga and meditation for an hour" shut myself in the bedroom and read or surf the web, watch telly, whatever. Works for me! I don't suppose there are many women who drink whisky and ginger while meditating, but I do 😄

I love this. The solution!

The refusal of him to listen is symptomatic of someone being an arse. He doesn't need to understand but an out right refusal (via actions or words) to support your needs is unkind. It's the sort of thing that kills a relationship over time.

@Afterallsbeensaidanddone

It sounds like you've always struggled to find contentment which is an internal issue and unlikely to be fixed by circumstances. In the past, you've moved to avoid the feeling and now that coping strategy has gone, you feel suffocated and empty. I think this is the point where you stop running and try sitting with the feeling, getting counseling, life style changes wherever possible, whatever it takes to feel a bit better. Also, as others have said, many women do feel tethered at this stage and that's a price they pay. Life isn't easy but acknowledging there is no perfect solution out there can bring it's own peace and surprisingly, free you up to see the good in the 'now'. And don't try to be the perfect wife and mother. It's suffocating in itself. You're still very much an individual with private needs and goals.

^^This.

@Hercisback

The refusal of him to listen is symptomatic of someone being an arse. He doesn't need to understand but an out right refusal (via actions or words) to support your needs is unkind. It's the sort of thing that kills a relationship over time.

This is the problem here.

Dear Op,

How are you feeling today?

Your post resonated with me on so many levels and l am also a teacher too. It is a draining job and the early years of young children is an exhausting time.

My boys are grown up now but l remember all too well the craving for solitude, the desperation for space and l didn’t have the whole WFH debacle to contend with.

My exH did see l needed space but was very choosy about what he would do to give me that. He did get a bit better over time as he grew into fatherhood.

This time will pass, your H may get a bit better naturally as his son gets older and it’s easier to do things together. You will adjust and adapt to a certain extent.

It is incredibly difficult to change someone and to make them do something they don’t want to do. However you can change yourself and sometimes changing small things make a big difference because you are valuing yourself and putting yourself first.

There have been lots of good suggestions on this thread about what you could do. It might feel overwhelming and right now, you are in the eye of the storm so haven’t got the energy to implement it. I do get that.

Sometimes l used to get so tearful and distraught l just used to take myself to bed. My exH had to step up then.

I absolutely do see that you want to be in your space rather than take yourself out but maybe accepting a second best is a lot better than putting up with nothing. It also means you get to be in control. The summer is coming - is there a nice park or garden you can visit to sit with a coffee or a book? Why not just try it? Push aside your initial rejection to the idea and just do it. The beauty of this is it doesn’t matter if your H faffs to high heaven, you decide when you are going out and when you are coming back.

I read an interesting book a while back - it’s called ‘Living with the Passive Aggressive Man’. It’s a bit dated but offers solutions to coping with staying with someone with this behavioural quality if all else is good. It also helps you understand the why to this frustrating behaviour.

This is possibly not the right time for you to address the communication issues between you and your husband. But other posters are right in saying it is problematic and will rise up again in the future. You sound very certain that so much is good in your life that hopefully this aspect of your relationship is workable on some level.

xx

I totally get this need - I am an introvert and just really like my own space. When DS was little it was really really hard. But it does get better, especially when they don't need you as much.

One thing that struck me was that you live in DH's house. Also that he works from home. Is it possible to start a discussion about maybe buying something together in the future that would be more practical for wfh. I think needing a separate space to work is important for the worker (but also very important for the rest of the household)
My DH also wfh and we got a garden cabin a few years ago that gives great separation from home and work for him and for me.
Modern homes tend to very much have that open plan feel which is quite tricky when you want and need some space from each other.
Definitely go on that weekend away to see a friend - you need to recharge those batteries

@NoSquirrels

But you do feel discontent with an aspect of your life (no alone time, no hope of getting any) that will be much exacerbated by another child. That’s what Ragwort was saying.

Early days/years of any relationship take work.
Early days of living together takes work.
Early days/years of a marriage take work. (Middle & later years too!)
Adjusting to being first time parents takes work (so much work).

It’s a lot of work all at once if you’re doing it all at once.

And if you don’t have good communication skills, or if you do have unhelpful patterns from childhood or whatever, then it’s all much more difficult.

And another baby and child makes it really hard if you haven’t got the fundamentals sorted.

Good post.

OP, you have signed up for extraordinary change in your life in a very short period.

An unbelievable amount.
Different city, job, home, new husband, baby.

Christ, that is a huge list.

You are very understandably needing fown time to process the changes in your life.

It is very strange that you keep repeating his inability to understand, adapt, accept anything you suggest.

I feel smothered reading your posts.

You sound so smothered and stuck.

Be mindful of your mental health because you sound vulnerable.

I have 4 children and down time, alone time is critical for me.

I was thrilled when my husband went back to the office, nearly as much as he was!

Is moving house ever on the cards?
Would a separate office in the garden be an option?

These have been great solutions for some people.

Don't feel bad for wanting some peace and quiet.

So understandable.

Reading this makes me wonder, OP - if maybe you are someone who struggles to be content. Because when you were single you weren't happy, now in a marriage not happy and your coping mechanism even when single is to just keep running away/fantasise about change/live fairly nomadically. And you do seem to rush into things without too much thought (I say this given you explained you jump from job to job, place to place, and got married/had a child at great pace too) - almost like you feel these things will fulfil you when really it needs to come from within. All of which is fine and plenty of people live lifetimes this way. The issue is, that as a mother, you don't have that flexibility anymore and that must feel suffocating from someone normally as untethered and free as you.

You don't have to LTB but you need to recognise that you picked your DH because you thought marrying him, having kids etc would give you the belonging/happiness/stability you crave. Instead you've ended up with someone you're not compatible with. A compatible partner would be the sort who had enough of their own life to not be around all the time, or understand your need to do nothing (very normal btw).

However, if you're already feeling this only 2 years into your relationship, you have a long hard slog for the next 10, 20, 30+ years you'll be together. Your DH doesn't understand you, that frustrates you and you'll have to make the effort to really get your point across - or your misery will just grow year on year. I do worry that even if you get time away from DH, you still won't be happy because it's all the responsibility to another person or his company you struggle with. Not everyone is cut out for the mundane domesticity and drudgery of the standard LT relationship. And not everyone can find peace in a lifetime of responsibility to others. If going on a holiday with your DH fills you with dread that's not a good sign - because that's a lot of holidays you'll be dreading....

It would also help you to introspect on when you've ever felt truly happy and how can you replicate that in your life. Also, how do you find happiness inside you. Lots to think about - a therapist will definitely help as this is going to become more and more an issue and you don't want it to overwhelm you to the point you've had enough and leave DH and DC (even if it seems an impossibility now - but it's only been 14 months).

I know exactly how you feel. You need to tell your DH that you need to have some alone time. Then ask him how you can manage that. Does he need to take DS out for a few hours to see gp, go to the zoo, etc? Or if he won't do that then you have to go somewhere. Could you afford a night away in a hotel? You could order a pizza, watch tv and come back feeling refreshed. Call it a 'spa' break.