I feel as if I hate my “new life.”

[Daisyonthelawn]

I am an older mum and I definitely thought that being a wife and mum had passed me by. I know some people would have been fine with that but to be honest I never was, I knew I wanted children and I knew that I wanted a family. In my late 30s I had a now or never approach and joined a dating site.

I met DH online, but I lived in a different city at the time. I moved in with him a couple of months before lockdown, but I still had my own place (it’s now let out.) We have a DS who is now 14 months. So life has changed, very dramatically, in the last 2 years I have got married, been pregnant, had a baby, changed cities, home, job.

I do love my DH, and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. At the same time though, I am struggling.

Before I met DH my life wasn’t great. In some ways it was a bit chaotic. I tended to drift from job to job a lot, and even from place to place (possibly because there was nothing holding me to any particular place) I’d see jobs in different areas of the country and just apply there and move if I got the job, then when I didn’t like it I’d move back. I was lonely a lot - most of my friends had small children - and so if I wanted to do something ‘normal’ like go on holiday I’d have to go myself. This came at a cost and I was also permanently skint.

As I’ve said above I now feel so much more content in many ways. Having two incomes offers a much bigger security - a few months ago my car needed £600 worth of work doing and a few years ago that would have been a disaster but I barely noticed it this time. I do genuinely love DH and as for DS, I adore him. I love where we live and have made friends as well as renewing some old friendships (am more accepted as a mum I’ve noticed which is wrong but I am not arguing.) Work feels more stable than ever before. So far all is good.

But this past week or so I’ve felt so unhappy and have struggled to put a finger on it. and I think the issue is I feel really suffocated by DH. He isn’t a controlling man but he is always here. I never get a quiet minute with a book or a television show to just be and be quiet and just be.

It sounds horrible but I’m sort of longing for my old life which is stupid as my old life was horrible. But I want to get in my car and drive miles to the coast, or to a different city or something.

I don’t want to leave. I just really feel odd, as if I’m living in a bit of a fish bowl.

What does your DH to relax/his hobbies?

Ok, so if you take him going out and leaving you alone in the house off the table, accepting that you're correct that it'll never happen, what's the next best option? If he'd be fine with you going out but just won't go out himself, what's the form of going out that would most recreate that feeling of just being? Sitting in a cafe with a book, going away for a weekend (my concern with that one is it sounds lovely but realistically it'd be a rare treat - I think you need something more regular), wandering around town with no particular purpose, going to the cinema alone? Or can you make the 'alone time by going to a different bit of the house' thing that PP describe work? (I fear not, if he interrupts you when you're in the shower). I know neither of those things are what you really really want but if you're right that this is a quirk of your husband's that you don't like, cannot change but don't see as a deal breaker then you need to work out what the best possible compromise is - don't let the enemy be the perfect of the good and have no time to yourself at all because you can't have the exact sort of time you want.

Seriously I would invest in couples therapy, cheaper than divorcing!

DH used to "need" to have an hour or 2 on his games console or a long bath most evenings when the DC were young. He's in a introvert and just needed to be away from us all little and often.

Think he was glad I went out a few nights per week and took the DC to church without him!

He's your h, you've posted that you essentially feel suffocated and I can see why, it's not a pile on your dh when people empathise with why you feel the way you feel.

What do you think the solution is @Daisyonthelawn ?

I think you're getting cross because you're hugely frustrated. Your needs aren't being met, however much you ask for them to be.

I hunk it's perfectly normal to want some time alone. The fact that you're not even allowed to shower in peace would drive me crazy.

And fwiw my hobby suggestions were just an excuse to go out. I'd just go out with a book and sit in a coffee shop in the short term. In the long term, I think you should have couples therapy so you can say this to him and he hears it. Otherwise this is going to destroy what you have.

@HardbackWriter I’m really hoping that as DS gets a bit older I can grasp a bit of time back. At the moment he’s so young and I feel bad he’s in childcare so much as it is. But definitely over the summer I’m going to see about a weekend away, ostensibly to see a friend but really just to be able to have a takeaway and watch some stupid programme in peace and go to sleep and stay asleep and have a lie in …

@Northbynorthbreast yep mine is the same, never leaves the house!

@Clymene I’m not cross. I’ve made a point of saying I’m not. It’s uncomfortable when people project a tone onto your posts. Please don’t.

I’m not interested in therapy and DH would be baffled if I suggested it anyway!

Read the novel The Ladder of the Years. It might resonate and help you work through how you feel about things.

I have no interest at all in ‘who you are’! But if several people are posting about the same issue with shared domestic life it only confirms my convictions about it.

If, on the other hand, all the other similar complaints had been from one person then one might respond differently to if this was their first thread.

I have absolutely no need or wish to ‘hint’ at anything and I’m sorry you’ve misinterpreted my responses.

[quote Daisyonthelawn]@Clymene I’m not cross. I’ve made a point of saying I’m not. It’s uncomfortable when people project a tone onto your posts. Please don’t.

I’m not interested in therapy and DH would be baffled if I suggested it anyway![/quote]
Oh okay. You're coming across as really fucking pissed off and rude though so I'll leave you to it. Good luck.

My suggestion of joint counselling is that your DH clearly doesn't either care or understand your needs. He isn't listening for some reason.

Why would you not want to try something that could make for a much happier relationship/life?

So you won't talk to your husband directly and you won't get couples therapy - what exactly are you prepared to do? Do that.

I don't think it's a pile-on. I think it's understandable from all sides. And maybe you both were used to living on your own and it's a big adjustment and it all happened quite suddenly. I can see why he might not get it and feel hurt too as many people have suggested you could go out and get time away and you don't really want that. Perhaps he doesn't want to do that either. Fair enough. You know if things really are too much you could think seriously about having two places or not living together all the time. I know that might not be possible financially but you mentioned you have a flat and you only moved in at lockdown. Maybe you have jumped headfirst into what you think the conventional life should be but it's fine to try and find different models. Maybe you like having your own place. Maybe you did all the stages a bit fast and that's why it feels so intense. I think if he has a house and you have a flat I would be tempted to really explore moving to a new place that is both of yours and can give you both your own rooms and space to be together and apart. I don't think you should feel bad about needing more alone time. The only other thing I'm wondering is whether it has all happened a bit fast and that might be why you're not feeling quite able to just be yourself a bit more. I've been with someone a very long time and wouldn't think anything of stating that I need time away from them because we've been together ages. But maybe at an earlier stage that might be harder. I also suspect if you aren't totally relaxed and able to state these things it makes the need for alone time even more acute. I think maybe thinking practically about the space and the ownership of the house etc is a place to start. Good luck OP. I think most are just trying to be helpful or sympathetic on here.

@Gruach look if I was snappy then I’m sorry. It looked to me very much as if you were trying to draw attention to past threads - mine or someone else’s, I don’t know and tbh don’t care. This is purely about how I feel. I’m not sure there are any solutions to the problem.

What I can say is this. I spent twenty extremely difficult years before I met DH, where I belonged nowhere and to no one, where very small things could result in spiralling chaos (like that poem for the want of a nail, if anybody knows it) where I was pretty much excluded from any sort of normal life.

Going from that to, as indicated, the other extreme, where I have very little personal space, can be hard. I do get on very well with DH on a day to day level and I do love him. Even if I didn’t, tbh I’d do those difficult twenty years three times over it I got DS out of it. There is no frustration or sadness or irritation in my life that will live in me longer than the joy he brings, has brung, is bringing.

So I don’t want to pile on DH. Of course he can be bloody annoying and I’m sure I can as well. And I do think some tendencies of his have been massively exacerbated by the lockdowns and despite what most of MN insists I don’t think WFH is a great option for families. But I do have to put up with it!

I reserve the right to at least talk about it though and air these thoughts.

That was a very strong response to ‘please don’t’

I’d love to know how a polite request is ‘really fucking pissed off and rude’. Actually, no I wouldn’t. I’m not engaging with stupid arguments and people getting the arse because I don’t immediately do as I’m told.

I understand what you mean. I think the fact you're a teacher is relevant also. Constantly surrounded by noise and chatter.

How big is the house? Can you create a study / shed / any type of space you can make "yours" for relaxing?

Noise cancelling headphones are a winner.

Does DH work from home? If not then why will he be interfering with your Easter holidays? Even if so, surely you will have some time alone as DS can go to nursery in the holidays?

Unfortunately, marriage and children can feel very trapping for some women, especially free spirited ones who had a child later in life. I feel the same, a bit like a caged bird.
There are lots of benefits for men and children in this situation, but not so much for women who feel suffocated.

I'm not sure what the answer is to him always being there, does he work? Have friends? Have hobbies? You might not be able to change him if he is just a homebody but you ought to be able to have some time alone in your own home.

Your feelings about being in his house and being in the way are worrying. You need to address this, does he own it? Do you like it? Can you sell and buy somewhere together? I think if you felt like it was your home too you'd feel better about carving out a space for you. E.g do you ever go and watch tv in the bedroom on your own, are there locks on the bathroom doors? Do you feel comfortable inviting your friends over for drinks or food of an evening and would he keep out of the way while you do this? I think if he can't respect these boundaries then you have a problem no matter how much you love him and how much of a good Dad he is.

I am not trying to be awkward but I can’t have noise cancelling headphones with a toddler. Besides, there are times when I might WANT to hear something!

Yes, he WFH so I won’t have any alone time, which is exhausting and draining.

You're in one of the most difficult stages for lack of alone time at 14 months.

I think it gets a lot easier by three. They play a bit more independently or can watch a bit of telly while you have a little sit in the bedroom.

It's also the touched out phase.

Can't you agree with your husband that you each get a couple of hours on a weekend? So he takes little one to a park, cafe whatever for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning and he gets a lie in Sunday or something?
I think tag teaming is necessary sometimes in the early years. It's also great for your husband to be confident doing these things alone with your child

And probably easier to suggest it in those terms than 'can you bugger off and leave me alone!'

I am prone to sitting in my bed alone once kids have gone to bed as I just like the peace!

@Daisyonthelawn

That was a very strong response to ‘please don’t’

I’d love to know how a polite request is ‘really fucking pissed off and rude’. Actually, no I wouldn’t. I’m not engaging with stupid arguments and people getting the arse because I don’t immediately do as I’m told.

Well you've reacted very spikily throughout this thread. You've rejected every suggestion and won't entertain any criticism of your husband. While you may not feel cross, you're certainly coming across as cross and deeply frustrated.

I am a single parent and I couldn't bear your life. I wouldn't be able to breathe. I think my strong response was because I felt I was saying that I totally get how you feel. I thought I did but obviously I was wrong!

You've been offered sympathy, suggestions, a listening ear. Everyone has agreed you're not unreasonable to feel completely stifled.

Op, I get it. I used to be so envious of friends who had husbands who would regularly (or even occasionally) go away for work. Not because I don’t love DH, but because sometimes I just wanted to leave the house, lock the door and know that “I” would be the one to unlock it when I got back, or to do the dishes and know that they’d only get dirty again if “I” used them.
It’s not very rational but sometimes you just want to be “I” instead of “us”.
All I can say is that eventually, as your ds grows up and the restrictions of parenthood ease, hopefully your dp will feel less tied to the home and you’ll be able to carve out sone time to yourself. You’ll also, hopefully, get used to it and it won’t seem so suffocating.

@Clymene you bit my head off, swore at me, informed me I was rude and flounced off the thread and you are now telling me I am reacting spikily

I do not mind criticism of DH up to a point and I have indulged in it, but I also have to be pragmatic, he won’t change, I don’t want to leave, so I am really talking more about how I feel than wanting practical advice.

It is extremely helpful when people say ‘it’s not just you. I feel / would feel the same.’ It helps. That’s perhaps a weak response, but it does.

Thanks, @Wedonttalkaboutrats. To a large extent I think I am still adapting.