I feel as if I hate my “new life.”

[Daisyonthelawn]

I am an older mum and I definitely thought that being a wife and mum had passed me by. I know some people would have been fine with that but to be honest I never was, I knew I wanted children and I knew that I wanted a family. In my late 30s I had a now or never approach and joined a dating site.

I met DH online, but I lived in a different city at the time. I moved in with him a couple of months before lockdown, but I still had my own place (it’s now let out.) We have a DS who is now 14 months. So life has changed, very dramatically, in the last 2 years I have got married, been pregnant, had a baby, changed cities, home, job.

I do love my DH, and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. At the same time though, I am struggling.

Before I met DH my life wasn’t great. In some ways it was a bit chaotic. I tended to drift from job to job a lot, and even from place to place (possibly because there was nothing holding me to any particular place) I’d see jobs in different areas of the country and just apply there and move if I got the job, then when I didn’t like it I’d move back. I was lonely a lot - most of my friends had small children - and so if I wanted to do something ‘normal’ like go on holiday I’d have to go myself. This came at a cost and I was also permanently skint.

As I’ve said above I now feel so much more content in many ways. Having two incomes offers a much bigger security - a few months ago my car needed £600 worth of work doing and a few years ago that would have been a disaster but I barely noticed it this time. I do genuinely love DH and as for DS, I adore him. I love where we live and have made friends as well as renewing some old friendships (am more accepted as a mum I’ve noticed which is wrong but I am not arguing.) Work feels more stable than ever before. So far all is good.

But this past week or so I’ve felt so unhappy and have struggled to put a finger on it. and I think the issue is I feel really suffocated by DH. He isn’t a controlling man but he is always here. I never get a quiet minute with a book or a television show to just be and be quiet and just be.

It sounds horrible but I’m sort of longing for my old life which is stupid as my old life was horrible. But I want to get in my car and drive miles to the coast, or to a different city or something.

I don’t want to leave. I just really feel odd, as if I’m living in a bit of a fish bowl.

[quote Daisyonthelawn]@BingBangB0ng but he won’t.[/quote]
Have you asked already? When you said something like “would you mind taking the baby out for a walk and to a cafe once a week, to give me a couple of hours by myself?” he actually refused? That’s pretty shitty of him if so.

And just for balance DH does have numerous good qualities, but that particular trait does infuriate me. However, it is a snapshot moment so please don’t all tell me to LTB on the basis of that. Bloody annoying, though.

It's very hard when there isn't space in your life for stillness and calm solitude. Your inner peace is disrupted by the unrelenting busyness around you and you lose the anchor of your own soothing inner voice. It's like having a conversation with someone who never stops talking long enough to take a breath who you can't get away from.

Could you book a day's holiday (or half a day) once a month? Don't plan anything except being alone. Having it to look forward to can relieve some of the pressure.
In the medium term - could you look to reduce work to 4 days a week?

It’s very hard to articulate exactly what I do mean, other than if I told DH I was doing this I think he’d be slightly bemused but would ultimately be okay with it … but then I’d still return to me. And that’s not an escape.

This changes what you're asking a lot - it sounded like you were looking for ways to get a little bit of time for yourself, but it sounds like you're actually fantasizing about going and not coming back and you're worried that that means something is very wrong? It doesn't, but it's just a fantasy. There's no need to feel bad about it but I also wouldn't actively dwell on it. Try and think of it as an interesting thought rather than any sort of proof of how you 'really' feel.

The best thing about my current job is that I get a day off in the week and DP has just started working fulltime. I get one whole day in the house to myself and, after several years of him pretty much always being here, here in the morning, here in the evening, here at the weekend, here ALL the TIME, I really cherish this contract as it finally feels like it's time for me.

Eventually, I'll use it to plan trips to do things I haven't done for years, go swimming, go to the gym, etc, but I'm still not ready to let the joy that is having the entire place to myself for a day go.

It might seem daft, OP, but could you maybe go 4 days/have a set day off in the week and still put DC into childcare, maybe picking them up early if you absolutely want to?

It's also a perfect age to introduce Daddy-Child time. No, you have Saturdays as your special time together, I get loads of time with them, it's not fair that you don't get the same.

unrelenting busyness around you yes, yes.

So today I ended up with DS in the spare room with me overnight. DS woke at 7, then DH came in twenty minutes later. DH did take DS to have breakfast but all the time it’s punctuated by DS shouting and blaring TV / radio. Even when I have my shower DH comes in the bathroom to tell me stuff. Then we go to a park and feed the ducks … then the afternoon it’s cleaning and laundry. And I just desperately want to be for a bit!

Your DH needs an activity that he takes DS to weekly so you can that space.

Sorry, just read your more recent post.

This is painting a clearer picture, and I understand why you feel frustrated. Could you try and pin him down to a specific time for going out, and then keep mentioning it in the lead up? When you asked him to get food, what did he actually do for the next 8 hours? Do you feel like because you’ve moved into his house he’s “made the rules” already and you have just had to slot into his life? That’s not how it should be, and if it’s making you unhappy (and it would me) you really do need to try and have a conversation about how you want your shared household to work.

Sorry, cross-post. That does sound really frustrating - the only thing I can think is to try and get him to agree to something with a set time (a scheduled activity, meeting someone else, even going to a particular attraction or even something like the library with DS that only has set opening hours)? If he's willing in theory but in practice faffs and doesn't deliver then it might be possible to short circuit the faffing? Unless you think he isn't actually willing and that's why he faffs.

I remember being frustrated to the point of tears when I’d had DS (c section) and we didn’t have much food in and I kept asking him to go to the supermarket and ‘yeah sure i will on just a minute’ which lasted nearly eight hours.

Did you post about this incident before? Or is there more than one husband who enjoys this particular form of torture?

@HardbackWriter I don’t think that’s exactly what I mean, although I can understand the confusion as in fairness I’m confusing myself!

I do want a bit more peace than I get. I have near constant noise and it does get to me and make me a bit irritable. But a PP suggested I go away for a day and I’m realising that’s not what I want as the organisation (and the chaos I’d return to!) is not what I’m about.

I have taken DS out for the day on quite a few occasions and I do enjoy it. But he’s at an age now where he won’t always sit quietly in the car seat so I do have to take naps and so on and food etc into account.

He’d just end up missing it, @HardbackWriter - and I don’t think he’d be keen to go to anything pre-booked as just him, tbh.

Ah - the spousal invasion of privacy sounds like a previous thread, too.

I do not envy you this.

Can you get some time away? I took myself off by myself on a retreat one birthday. Was amazing! And I'm an extrovert yet still need alone time.

Ah, sorry - just re-read, you're a teacher, so can't take a day off! Does your DS go to nursery or childcare in the school holidays? If not I'd prioritise that at least for some of the time.

@Gruach

Ah - the spousal invasion of privacy sounds like a previous thread, too.

I do not envy you this.

I really wish I knew why people did this, attempting to take over threads with little hints and clues and “I-know-who-you-are”!

It was actually a very helpful thread until this point

"But he won't isn't good enough. You can't do 24/7 on call to your family and he needs to build his own relationships that his child, by actually spending time with him. His endless faffing is displacement - he's doing it deliberately.

I genuinely don't know how you got even close to 8 hours of "oh in a minute" faffing without saying look, just go to the fucking supermarket I am hungry and just had a c section. I'd last 45 minutes tops

I think I get what you mean. We have 2 young kids and I crave time alone so much.

Fortunately my DP is a gamer and is quite happy to just sit in front of his playstation once the kids are asleep. Basically we have fallen in to the routine of living room is his area and bedroom is mine. I have a TV and my books there and we just chill out separately in the evenings.

Once a week or so we have a couple of drinks watching TV together or order a takeaway. It wouldn't suit everyone but it's what we need right now.

I have pretty much just given up on the idea of time alone in the house during the day.

OP, I totally get it. I could have written your post to the letter (except the bit about getting married). Anyway, I can say things do get easier as the dc grow older but you need to have time for just you to be you. I know exactly why you don’t want one more thing to do/think about so won’t join a class/gym/club.

You need to have some time to yourself to just be. DH needs to take DC out at the weekend and give you a morning to yourself to potter, watch junk TV or do nothing. That chunk of time is important. Make sure you don’t fill the space with stuff you have to do such as the washing. Don’t feel guilty either, it’s a mental health need.

Please PM me if you want to chat.I struggled exactly as you are now but think I’m through the worst- Dd is now 8.

@spacehardware probably because I’d had a C section. I was completely fucking knackered, had a baby who wouldn’t be put down, was trying to breastfeed, trying to re adjust and in a complete blur, tbh.

I didn’t sit there sweetly asking but every time I asked / told / begged he said he would. And then vanished to do something else. Like I say, I was furious but I also recognise it as one of his traits. Getting angry, telling him, whatever, it makes no difference.

I can very much relate to needing time alone to just “be” - and to being married to a mule it’s impossible to move with any sense of urgency. In our old house I managed to persuade DH to take DC to the park and then to the pub while I “made lunch” ie shovelled everything the oven then chilled out alone for a couple of hours. It became a regular routine, which made it easier to negotiate. In our current house I’ve co-opted the spare room and shut myself in there to do my hobbies when I need to. It’s really hard to say to someone “I just need to be alone” without them taking it personally, but thankfully DH is a chronic introvert likes me so gets that need to recharge sometimes.

And thanks, those who do get it!

It's a dick trait and he does it on purpose to get out of things. It's all very well saying it's just how he is, but just how he is, is why you never get a moment to yourself.

It’s one reason of many, very many. It’s relevant here as it’s pointless telling / asking him to take DS somewhere. I might eventually get them both out of the house but generally speaking it would be an hour of faffing for an hour of peace and it isn’t worth it.