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Original poster

I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

291 replies

SisterBlis · 28/03/2022 23:02

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

OP posts:
Pumpfive · 28/03/2022 23:04

How old is step daughter? What does her father think?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/03/2022 23:05

How old is she? Where does she live now? Where’s her mum? Do you have space? What’s her dad think?

Original poster
SisterBlis · 28/03/2022 23:05
  1. Her father has very unsupportive so far.
OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 28/03/2022 23:08

Where is she living now? Could you not support her in her own home?

Original poster
SisterBlis · 28/03/2022 23:09

Where is her mum? Her mum is my wife

We do have space

It's going to happen. And I'm going to be supportive. Guess I'm just venting some internal thoughts

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 28/03/2022 23:09

Why does she have to live with you where does she live now?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/03/2022 23:09

Very easy to say if you can't support a child should you bring one into the world when it's not you that has to have the abortion or give it up for adoption isn't it?

Where is her mum?

RonSwansonsChair · 28/03/2022 23:16

Where does she live currently? Why would she have to move in with you? And also, how much work is she expecting you to do?
With 3 DC in the house already, adding a teen mum and a newborn baby sounds chaotic at best.

Original poster
SisterBlis · 28/03/2022 23:22

She lives at home with us. So no change there.
The addition of a baby doesn't fill me with joy. Been there. Had that stage of my life. Didn't think I'd ever be going back to it.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 28/03/2022 23:24

It does change things a bit that she already lives with you. This isn't "I don't want my pregnant stepdaughter to move in and have her baby here" this is "Should I throw my pregnant stepdaughter out of the house?" What does your stepdaughter want to do? What does her mum want to do?

GreyCarpet · 28/03/2022 23:25

What is it about having a baby in the house you don't want?

It won't be your baby.

AHungryCaterpillar · 28/03/2022 23:25

Oh ok it read like she doesn’t live there but as she does I’m not sure there is much you can do other than be supportive

needingpeace · 28/03/2022 23:28

Does she want to keep the baby? I think this is a terrible imposition on you and the rest of your family. She’s making this huge decision that affects all of you and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to express that you aren’t happy about it. Why didn’t she use protection? Was she trying to get pregnant. I think these questions have to be answered. Can you support her to move out and find her own place?

Clymene · 28/03/2022 23:29

If you don't want the baby, have nothing to do with the baby. It's her baby, not yours. You don't have to help in any way

Clymene · 28/03/2022 23:30

What does your wife think?

Will your stepdaughter have an abortion id you make it clear you won't be picking up the pieces?

thingymaboob · 28/03/2022 23:31

@SisterBlis

She lives at home with us. So no change there. The addition of a baby doesn't fill me with joy. Been there. Had that stage of my life. Didn't think I'd ever be going back to it.
You're not really going back. You're not their parent! Feel really sorry for this baby
RonSwansonsChair · 28/03/2022 23:32

@nocoolnamesleft

It does change things a bit that she already lives with you. This isn't "I don't want my pregnant stepdaughter to move in and have her baby here" this is "Should I throw my pregnant stepdaughter out of the house?" What does your stepdaughter want to do? What does her mum want to do?
Yes, it is different. Not sure why I read it as she wanted to move in, rather than she lived there already. Therefore, I do think you should be willing to support her with somewhere to live, especially in the short term.
Original poster
SisterBlis · 28/03/2022 23:33

@nocoolnamesleft

It does change things a bit that she already lives with you. This isn't "I don't want my pregnant stepdaughter to move in and have her baby here" this is "Should I throw my pregnant stepdaughter out of the house?" What does your stepdaughter want to do? What does her mum want to do?
I'm not asking if I should throw her out. That would never happen. Especially with a baby!!!!
OP posts:
Jellybellyfun88 · 28/03/2022 23:34

It depends how you view it. I think a new baby could very well bring the family together in a more loving way.

flyingdream · 28/03/2022 23:34

But it's not you having the baby. It's her.

BlackishTulips · 28/03/2022 23:35

If your family is the only option for supporting her, then you have the right to have a proper discussion with her about her options.
You can’t just go into this situation without talking it though properly or you would be legitimately resentful.

flyingdream · 28/03/2022 23:36

Why does it sound like you want her to have an abortion?

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2022 23:37

All these "Why did she.....why didnt she....." are pointless. Presumably if she wanted a termination she would have had one by now. It sounds like she has already decided to keep the baby so the question is, what happens now?

I would suggest a full and frank discussion between you, you wife and your step daughter about the realities. That you and your wife will not be caring for the baby, that she needs a plan for her future as she cannot reasonably expect to live with you forever. That you expect her to either study or work to help support herself (after her maternity leave period) and that you will be expecting her to be a mother to her child, this is not a doll to be played with when she feels like it.

I say all this as a woman who, at 17, had this conversation with my parents when I was pregnant with my eldest. My situation was slightly different in that we didnt know I was pg until I was 6 months or so as my periods didnt stop and I didnt show at all until then. But I am glad that they did it, I am glad that I went into it with my eyes fully open to the realities of what was about to happen. I shared my room with my son, I did everything for him. My parents were supportive, my mother did what any mother would do for their daughter after birth but no more. They babysat sometimes so I could go out but again no more than a grandparent would normally do.

Honesty is best, it will lead to better relationships going forward and less resentment.

Clymene · 28/03/2022 23:39

@flyingdream

But it's not you having the baby. It's her.
But it will affect the whole household! It's the OP's home and now a tiny baby is going to be brought into it without anyone else's agreement.

It's a huge imposition

oviraptor21 · 28/03/2022 23:39

@Clymene

If you don't want the baby, have nothing to do with the baby. It's her baby, not yours. You don't have to help in any way
It's not exactly possible to ignore a baby in the house!

OP You have my sympathy.
Is there room in your house for another child?

Can you help your stepdaughter to find a place to rent? Maybe act as guarantor and help with deposit. And then be there to help on a practical level whilst knowing that at the end of the day you can escape to your own home?