I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

[SisterBlis]

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

If the 19 year old doesn't clear up after herself then that suggests her parenting hasn't been that great. Also most 19 year olds have finished school so if she's still doing A levels that means a year lost somewhere. I can understand the OP's reservations.

So you’d say - your own your own DD! Your problem ! I’m retired ! So don’t expect me to help ! Ahhhhh . Horrendous.

that's not what i actually said, so up yours. I have absolutely NO intention of having a baby in my house. And if my DD was like the DSD in the OP who doesn't even tidy her room she would have been invited to leave immediately.

That is not to say I wouldn't help her find somewhere to live and maybe the occasional spot of baby sitting. But on my terms and when i offered. Glad I'm not so subsumed in my mommy role that I don't have my own wants needs and wishes.

The key point as i have said consistently here is that there must be a family discussion about how much support they are prepared and able to give. 2 people living in OPs house are 9 and 12. Do they get a say or are they just expected to lump living with a screaming baby?

I had my daughter at 19 and moved out when she was four months old. She didn't disturb anyones sleep. I worked and went to college. We were lucky to get help from my inlaws with childcare too when I was working the weekends behind a bar. I'm 37 now, still with her dad and have two more children, our own house, cars, business. Having a baby at 19 doenst mean your life is ruined we have had a great life so far. We did split up for 2.5 years when my eldest was one and I was fine living alone as a single mum. I hope things turn out okay.

@MyBoyPink you have a different idea to others here about which decisions are selfish. We could all! Put exclamation marks! After everything! We say! But that doesn't mean everyone's views besides your own are shocking.

A 19 year old is not a child if they choose to become a mother, they are choosing to lose out on that 18-25 grace period where people say "oh but she's still a child". She's choosing to give that up, she's a responsible adult now, she will need to act like one.

And you've said yourself as long as they respect the boundaries of the house you would allow them to stay. Well, that's what many are saying here. But at the moment no discussions about boundaries are being had.

@Swayingpalmtrees

This doesn't make sense to me dove how did you fund rent, bills, clothing, food and pay a nursery for two whole days a week on three days work in a supermarket? I would love to know, because that to me seems like a total impossibility even 18 years ago so I am not sure I buy it - at all.

Three days work in a supermarket, working tax credits, child tax credits and housing benefits.

I'm not proud of needing benefits but they did their job at the time and I have more than paid back to the government what I needed at the time.

I am not asking you to "buy it" and your indirect accusation is incredibly rude and massively insulting. Now go troll someone else.

they are choosing to lose out on that 18-25 grace period where people say "oh but she's still a child". She's choosing to give that up, she's a responsible adult now, she will need to act like one. no they’re choosing to have a child. The “grace period” is something you’ve invented and she will still be a young adult regardless of your frankly unusual “rules”

@flyingdream

But it's not you having the baby. It's her.

But the upheaval, the sleepless nights, probably the expense, will be his. He says he thought he was past the baby stage and and suddenly he's back to square one. He's allowed a gripe and outraged cries of 'But she's having the baby' are rather lacking in empathy for everyone else in the family. She has to work but who'll mind the baby? How long before she can move to her own home? Who is going to pay and pay and pay for baby things? I know people who made it work, mainly because babies bring love to people, but the mothers of the children were usually younger than 19.

@Swayingpalmtrees

How is she going to afford a house/life/ and have a job without years of hands on support given her lack of qualifications Autumn?

This is the the uk, she’ll be eligible to receive the £500 sure start maternity grant from 29 weeks of pregnancy so she can buy the essentials for baby then £586 a month in universal credit and child benefit for her and baby if she lives with her parents or if she finds her own accommodation she’ll also receive the money needed for rent and council tax on top of the £586 a month. If she wants to continue in education she’ll be eligible for the care to learn funding to pay for childcare or if she wants to work she’ll receive 85% of the cost of childcare plus cash top ups to whatever she is earning. If she wants to go to uni there are also grants to help her towards childcare aswell as maintenance, just like any other student. In fact her mother and step mother would be expected to contribute £3000+ per year towards her uni maintenance under normal circumstances even if she’d left home 2 years ago and they are actually exempt from this if she has a child, she’ll get all the full maintenance loans and childcare grants without their income being taken account of. If the father does end up paying any maintenance she’ll get to keep this all aswell without it reducing her other entitlements. Then no doubt when she one day meets someone, their both in a good job, they won’t be entitled to any benefits and they’ll be paying back into the system just like my husband and I

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

She’s not lying, I do wonder reading this thread whether some people are even aware the UK has a benefits system, this was me 18 years ago too as a young single parent and it was fine, kids went to nursery and I received tax credits. Maybe it’s the name tax credits that confuses people. They were nothing to do with tax, just a cash payments which fully covered housing, childcare and living costs of families on low incomes, whether the the parents be working, married, out of work. Their now called universal credit

Not many on this thread really seem to be thinking of your other three children who will live through a lot of disruption of you and your wife having less time for them, less money, being kept up at night - and your SD taking up most of the time and attention. Please don't forget them, and maybe your wife can focus on SD and you can focus on your children - so they don't feel neglected. They are coming to that awkward teenage stage where you can lose them, and they shouldn't suffer in any way for a decision that wasn't even made by their own parents. I'm not really sure babies always bring a family closer together - not when there's so many other children who will all be losing out on in some way as well.

But hopefully you will all rub along ok and your SD will step up and do most of the parenting and work to moving into her own place as soon as she can.

The ideal situation would be that eventually she finishes school, gets a job, applies for benefits and works her way to independent living. But I empathise with how you feel. Things may have been different if you didn't have other children, or one much older child - but this is a lot to put on your plate with your other responsibilities.

@5zeds

they are choosing to lose out on that 18-25 grace period where people say "oh but she's still a child". She's choosing to give that up, she's a responsible adult now, she will need to act like one. no they’re choosing to have a child. The “grace period” is something you’ve invented and she will still be a young adult regardless of your frankly unusual “rules”

It isn't in the slightest bit unusual to say that a 19 year old choosing to be a mother has lost the luxury of being thought of as a child.

@aSofaNearYou 19 isn't a child though. Who thinks as a 19 yo as a child? I was renting my second home by 19

[quote AllThingsServeTheBeam]@aSofaNearYou 19 isn't a child though. Who thinks as a 19 yo as a child? I was renting my second home by 19
[/quote]
The poster I was responding to previously said as much, MyBoyPink I believe!

Personally I don't think of a 19yo as a child either, but one with their own child certainly isn't.

@GreyCarpet

What is it about having a baby in the house you don't want?

It won't be your baby.

It will still have a huge impact on everyone that lives there

Why's anyone pretending OP should be indifferent to a baby in the house?

It will still have a huge impact on everyone that lives there

It will. But being able to identify what the exact issue/feeling is might be helpful.

grey

The issues for the young mother might be:
A lack of money
Lack of privacy
Lack of housing
Lack of father figure
No support partner
Lack of education
Lack of opportunity due to childcare issues
Lack of life experience
Lack of concrete ideas and values yet to be developed
Barely out of childhood very little time to even know oneself

Shall I go on?

The one thing she has going for her if her youth, strength and health but that is maybe all I can think of in terms of benefits.

For the wider family: Cramped living space, noise and over night noise, redirection of energy, money and time towards the baby, a lack of attention for the other children living there, They may be less time to spend helping with homework, cooking healthy dinners, keeping on top of the laundry and money will be tighter. There may be arguments due to a lack of space and too much pressure.

I could also go on...

So you’d say - your own your own DD! Your problem ! I’m retired ! So don’t expect me to help ! Ahhhhh . Horrendous.

Soooo…

Mother nearing retirement age who’s raised her kids and want to enjoy her retirement = selfish.

19 year old who chooses to have a child and wants everyone else to raise it = not selfish.

Got it 😂😂😂

@Swayingpalmtrees

grey

The issues for the young mother might be:
A lack of money
Lack of privacy
Lack of housing
Lack of father figure
No support partner
Lack of education
Lack of opportunity due to childcare issues
Lack of life experience
Lack of concrete ideas and values yet to be developed
Barely out of childhood very little time to even know oneself

Shall I go on?

The one thing she has going for her if her youth, strength and health but that is maybe all I can think of in terms of benefits.

For the wider family: Cramped living space, noise and over night noise, redirection of energy, money and time towards the baby, a lack of attention for the other children living there, They may be less time to spend helping with homework, cooking healthy dinners, keeping on top of the laundry and money will be tighter. There may be arguments due to a lack of space and too much pressure.

I could also go on...

Well, given you don't know my own life's experiences...

If the OP were able to articulate what the fears/concerns were for her specifically, then she might he able to find a way of dealing with them, meeting her own needs, in order to be able to also meet her stepdaughter's and the baby's.

In my case, my mother just wanted to be able to bring random men back to the house and felt that their peace, comfort and enjoyment might be compromised so I was homeless and living in a hostel with a newborn.

If the OP can identify what specifically is the issue for her it might prevent her stepdaughter from ending up in a similar situation.

I feel very sad grey that must have been a very difficult position for you to be in with a newborn baby.

Most people would find the idea of a newborn in such a crowded house very hard, but op has already made it clear she intends to support her sd, she has however entitled to choose if this is right for her, her children and her own life. Having a baby is a choice these days after all.

@GreyCarpet Exactly, if the OP was "able to articulate" what the issues are then they might be able to put some of them to bed. Unfortunately, she is living in an environment where her DW is hostile to that. You're giving OP far more power in the situation than it sounds like they actually are if you think there is a chance of SD ending up homeless. It sounds like OP has very little control of anything that goes on, the pendulum has swung too far the other way.

I would be honest with her and sit her down and tell her if she goes ahead then you won't be helping her, she'll need to make sure she's up to deal with baby in the nights as you won't be, no more going out with friends as you won't be a free babysitter, she'll need to make arrangements for childcare when in school etc. She'll need to start doing her fair share of house work as let's be honest a baby does produce a hell a lot of washing etc.
just be honest, the only thing you can do. I'd be dreading it too though she sounds very lazy.

@GreyCarpet I'm sorry you did not receive partner or family support as babies are hard work, but your mum did have the right to relationships. As you were an adult, you were responsible for your baby.

In this case the OP is not responsible for SD or SD baby, but has no real say in the situation which directly impacts her life and that of her DCs. She may be the one to move to a bedsit with her DC.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@GreyCarpet Exactly, if the OP was "able to articulate" what the issues are then they might be able to put some of them to bed. Unfortunately, she is living in an environment where her DW is hostile to that. You're giving OP far more power in the situation than it sounds like they actually are if you think there is a chance of SD ending up homeless. It sounds like OP has very little control of anything that goes on, the pendulum has swung too far the other way. [/quote]
Tbh, I hadn't reduced of the thread after I posted initially and have only replied when I've seen that someone has replied toe on threads I'm on.

It's not an ideal situation for any of them and I feel for the OP if she is in a difficult situation with it. At my time of posting though, I wasn't aware of that and have just explained my initial post since.

If the OP were able to articulate what the fears/concerns were for her specifically, then she might he able to find a way of dealing with them, meeting her own needs, in order to be able to also meet her stepdaughter's and the baby's.

In my case, my mother just wanted to be able to bring random men back to the house and felt that their peace, comfort and enjoyment might be compromised so I was homeless and living in a hostel with a newborn

If the OP can identify what specifically is the issue for her it might prevent her stepdaughter from ending up in a similar situation

So you think your mother should have prioritised your feckless choices over her own wishes? How was you ending up homeless with a child her fault? How long does this go on for, is it a lifelong thing? If a 19 year old is mature enough to make the decision to bring a child into the world, she’s mature enough to understand she’s responsible for housing and feeding the child. If she wants support she needs to ask and be prepared to be challenged on her choice to go ahead with the pregnancy. It affects everyone in the household.