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Original poster

I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

291 replies

SisterBlis · 28/03/2022 23:02

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 29/03/2022 00:50

I think it will be fine when she has the baby. I certainly understand your misgivings, they are quite natural, but you'll adjust and, let's face it, they aren't babies for long. It will be nice for your stepdaughter to have responsible adults around to support her, she would find being alone with a baby difficult even though she is 19. Of course she must be the primary carer of her baby but you and your wife being there will give her a sense of security, something she will always look back on and value.

Good luck.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 29/03/2022 00:53

How odd that you're not trying to hide it but reply defensively. Other posters were addressing you as 'he' and making assumptions about your response based on your sex. It's strange you couldn't see that.

5zeds · 29/03/2022 00:56

You’ve got four children you must have expected grandchildren at some point. Will her dad help at all? What were her plans before the pregnancy? Was she going to continue living with you?

AnnesBrokenSlate · 29/03/2022 00:56

Ah, but I see you used 'gender'. Bit of a giveaway. I'll leave you to it.

Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 00:57

@WomblingWilma

You’re perfectly entitled not to be happy about this OP. Many people wouldn’t be happy even if it was their own daughter, not a stepdaughter. You expect them to move on with their lives as they leave their teens and become independent not become even more dependent with a baby as well. It is a huge imposition. I don’t see any problem with what *@needingpeace* posted. *@Kdubs1981*Hmm. She’s 19 and an adult so old enough to take responsibility.

Babies do have a massive effect on a household! The noise, the paraphernalia, having to baby proof, having to be quiet when it sleeps, extra washing etc. Not to mention how is she going to afford it if the father isn’t going to help out. Will her own father offer support when the baby’s here?

Obviously she’s 14 weeks so it’s done now and she’s having it.

What does her mother think about it?

The only thing you can do is help her to stand on her own feet as soon as possible and agree a plan of action with your wife and her regarding her sorting out childcare and working if she’s to stay living with you. It’s your house as well so you have a say. Your wife would be very unreasonable if she thinks you don’t.

Her father is unsupportive in every way possible. The father, she was in a relationship with. And we'd started having discussions about getting them set up as a family, paying the deposit and first month's rent, buying them a cheap car, and putting them both through driving lessons. Not sure what happened but the father is no longer around. Salt of the earth. What a a gentleman. We've come to the conclusion that the original plan would not be possible on her own.
OP posts:
Autumn42 · 29/03/2022 00:58

[quote SisterBlis]@Autumn42

Thank you.

I think talking about expectations is a good idea.
I think she is unrealistic about how tough it can be.
We don't want to meddle and interfere but if we're all living under 1 roof then it'll be very hard not to be involved on a day to day basis.

We've tried to do the maths and can't work out how single people do it. Unless they have council or social housing I.e cheaper rent.
Also, how will she be able to work, nursery fees are really high, especially when they are young. There is the free nursery hours you get, but I think it's only after 3 yrs old[/quote]
Honestly would try not to worry to much about how she’s going to manage, young people do get quite infantilised in this day and age and so hard to imagine how they’ll cope with something many older mothers struggle with but I not only work in the field but have family who are young parents and you would be amazed at how much better they often cope compared to much wealthier older first time mothers (not to knock older mothers as I’m now a married middle class older mother!)
The one’s who struggle are usually those who have issues already, were already very immature (more so than normal teenagers are anyway) and definitely those who have a complete lack of any family support plus those also sadly those in toxic relationships.
It doesn’t need to be her being completely dependent on you, you’ve got to remember she’s an adult and has the ability to do this role, just like there’s 21 year olds out there who are teachers, ITU nurses etc. However a bit of help when she really needs it, those early days when things might seem overwhelming, that help with decorating the grotty flat she’s found to rent, help ferrying the furniture she’s found on market place, the £10 loan when it’s 2 days to the next UC, babysitting for that job interview, guidance as to how to set up account for utilities , Sunday lunch at mums etc (just like your give any other one of your children when they moved out) is all such a lifeline but in terms of day to day expenses she’ll be entitled to universal credit which includes elements for childcare and housing support also. It’s not a perfect system and you’ll hear endless stories in the media about people that can’t afford to give their children breakfast etc and perhaps they’ve got special circumstances but I know quite a few people on it and they seem to manage just fine with good budgeting. Have a look at entitled.com and it will indicate what she will get.
Having been a young (and older) parent and seen many of them, can say remember too that what young people lack in life experience they really do make up for in reams with their energy and adaptability!

5zeds · 29/03/2022 00:59

What was SHE planning before this happened? Was it a planned pregnancy?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/03/2022 01:00

You have to make it clear that, whilst she has a home with you, and you and her Mum are therefore her emotionally, she is the one who will be raising her baby.

Hopefully you’ll both give some help, but she needs to know that night feeds / wakings are on her, babysitting isn’t on tap, etc

5zeds · 29/03/2022 01:03

Is she at college/apprentice/Uni?

Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:03

@5zeds

You’ve got four children you must have expected grandchildren at some point. Will her dad help at all? What were her plans before the pregnancy? Was she going to continue living with you?
We've actually got 5! The oldest has grown and moved on. I think her dad will come around eventuality but they don't have a great relationship.

She was very much planning on finishing her A levels and moving out and looking forward to getting her independence.

OP posts:
5zeds · 29/03/2022 01:04

Well she can finish her Alevels, have the baby, take a year out, and then go to Uni.

RiverRats · 29/03/2022 01:08

She will be entitled to benefits, maybe do a benefit calculator to get an idea of what she will be entitled to and then see if that makes it easier for her to move out. You and your wife sound very supportive of her which is great, but I do understand that it’s difficult to have a baby live with you.

Ikeptgoing · 29/03/2022 01:09

Gosh,sounds tough
Lovely stepdad though xxx

She's 19,& old enough to decide but not really old enough to do it alone if parents/stepparents can help

I admire you. You.are.thinking what is best for her and child.x
Just work it through on what options are and how that best fits in with family.It won't be easy..

badg3r · 29/03/2022 01:17

Well it's not easy for you but it's also a bit of shit situation for your SD. Best you can do is to discuss boundaries, expectations etc before baby arrives and be as open as possible with each other. From her perspective it will be much harder too to have a baby at her mum and step parent's and to be constantly tiptoeing around, especially with other kids in the house. There was a thread here a few weeks back about a young mum in your SD's position who was finding it very hard to be looking after a child and also treated like one by her own parents. Best you can hope for is that you avoid situations like that at the moment. It might be the making of her.

Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:17

Thank you all. Lots of really supportive comments and suggestions.

Being here at home will be a great place for both emotional and physical support. And I didn't think about it but as someone said babies do amazing jobs in bringing people closer. So that could be great.

And whenever it's needed, I didn't realise there was help available with childcare. Will def look at some online calculators.
We have offered to help in the evenings but we work during the day. My wife did say she could look into changing her working hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:20

@badg3r

Well it's not easy for you but it's also a bit of shit situation for your SD. Best you can do is to discuss boundaries, expectations etc before baby arrives and be as open as possible with each other. From her perspective it will be much harder too to have a baby at her mum and step parent's and to be constantly tiptoeing around, especially with other kids in the house. There was a thread here a few weeks back about a young mum in your SD's position who was finding it very hard to be looking after a child and also treated like one by her own parents. Best you can hope for is that you avoid situations like that at the moment. It might be the making of her.
I've said this to my wife actually, this could be the making if her. My wife is worried as she is quite immature for 19. But I think she might just step up and get on with it
OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 29/03/2022 01:21

@GreyCarpet

What is it about having a baby in the house you don't want?

It won't be your baby.

😂
Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:22

@badg3r

Well it's not easy for you but it's also a bit of shit situation for your SD. Best you can do is to discuss boundaries, expectations etc before baby arrives and be as open as possible with each other. From her perspective it will be much harder too to have a baby at her mum and step parent's and to be constantly tiptoeing around, especially with other kids in the house. There was a thread here a few weeks back about a young mum in your SD's position who was finding it very hard to be looking after a child and also treated like one by her own parents. Best you can hope for is that you avoid situations like that at the moment. It might be the making of her.
Yes I can imagine trying to be a parent but being treated like a child must be tough. Will have to remember that.
OP posts:
tkwal · 29/03/2022 01:23

You can have the baby in the house without it impacting on you to the point where you're feeling like you've gone back in time. Obviously I'm making some assumptions here.
Your stepdaughter has her own room ?
There will be enough space in that room for a small cot and maybe a nursing chair ?
You can ask your SD for rent which I also assume she can access housing benefit to cover ?
This would then cover you for any additional expenses
If she has been working until now she will be entitled to maternity benefit
You need to be firm and insist that the child will be entirely her responsibility. You and your wife are not going to be baby sitters on tap and you are not to be taken for granted
Your SD has to keep up her share of jobs around the house.
If she doesn't want to go along with all that then once the mum and baby come back to yours she will have to start looking for somewhere else to live

Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:23

@5zeds

Well she can finish her Alevels, have the baby, take a year out, and then go to Uni.
This is funny!!

She only wanted to go to uni for the social life!!

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:25

@Ikeptgoing

Gosh,sounds tough Lovely stepdad though xxx

She's 19,& old enough to decide but not really old enough to do it alone if parents/stepparents can help

I admire you. You.are.thinking what is best for her and child.x
Just work it through on what options are and how that best fits in with family.It won't be easy..

Very kind thank you
OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 29/03/2022 01:26

My ds was 18 and his gf 19 when they had a baby. 12 years on, they are no longer together, but co-parent really, really brilliantly, mum has two other DC by a now-ex and has trained to obtain her dream job as a nurse. I am filled with admiration for her, she's a brilliant mum and a real hard worker, though not successful at school.

This is a beginning, not an end.

HirplesWithHaggis · 29/03/2022 01:28

@tkwal

You can have the baby in the house without it impacting on you to the point where you're feeling like you've gone back in time. Obviously I'm making some assumptions here. Your stepdaughter has her own room ? There will be enough space in that room for a small cot and maybe a nursing chair ? You can ask your SD for rent which I also assume she can access housing benefit to cover ? This would then cover you for any additional expenses If she has been working until now she will be entitled to maternity benefit You need to be firm and insist that the child will be entirely her responsibility. You and your wife are not going to be baby sitters on tap and you are not to be taken for granted Your SD has to keep up her share of jobs around the house. If she doesn't want to go along with all that then once the mum and baby come back to yours she will have to start looking for somewhere else to live
She won't get housing benefit in these circumstances, though she may be eligible for other support.
alexdgr8 · 29/03/2022 01:29

could she get social housing as a single parent to be ?

Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:29

@tkwal

You can have the baby in the house without it impacting on you to the point where you're feeling like you've gone back in time. Obviously I'm making some assumptions here. Your stepdaughter has her own room ? There will be enough space in that room for a small cot and maybe a nursing chair ? You can ask your SD for rent which I also assume she can access housing benefit to cover ? This would then cover you for any additional expenses If she has been working until now she will be entitled to maternity benefit You need to be firm and insist that the child will be entirely her responsibility. You and your wife are not going to be baby sitters on tap and you are not to be taken for granted Your SD has to keep up her share of jobs around the house. If she doesn't want to go along with all that then once the mum and baby come back to yours she will have to start looking for somewhere else to live
This is funny too!

Her bedroom is a tip. She doesn't acknowledge we have a dishwasher I.e. all dirty cutlery etc gets left on the side.

Ok, I'll stop. I'm just moaning now!!!

OP posts: