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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

291 replies

SisterBlis · 28/03/2022 23:02

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

OP posts:

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/03/2022 18:58

A sense of responsibility is key here. The teenager needs to know this is their choice, for life, whatever happens including the consequences.
The magnitude of bringing a new life into the world at such a tender age needs to be explained and properly understood.

In op's position I am not sure I could/would cope. It might be a dealbreaker for me. I am too tired to be awake all night with screaming babies.

HardyBuckette · 30/03/2022 19:06

[quote Autumn42]@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

She’s not lying, I do wonder reading this thread whether some people are even aware the UK has a benefits system, this was me 18 years ago too as a young single parent and it was fine, kids went to nursery and I received tax credits. Maybe it’s the name tax credits that confuses people. They were nothing to do with tax, just a cash payments which fully covered housing, childcare and living costs of families on low incomes, whether the the parents be working, married, out of work. Their now called universal credit[/quote]
Equally, I'm not seeing some of the posters who've talked about their own experiences in this situation some time ago acknowledge the huge changes in the UK benefits system in recent years. The tax credits system isn't now called Universal Credit, rather UC is in the process of replacing it, and they're not the same thing at all. You mention that your tax credits fully covered both housing and childcare costs. UC won't. If the OPs DSD could access the welfare system and housing situations as they were in the 00s, the situation would be quite different.

Original poster

SisterBlis · 30/03/2022 21:16

Ok, it didn't go well.

Maybe I should've taken some of your advice.

During one of many conversations with my DW, I said...
No matter what happens, we will support DSD in any way we can.
Although if I'm honest, not looking forward to having a baby in the house. But sometimes you just have to get on and deal with whatever life throws at you.

That did not go down well. Maybe should have just kept that to myself. Wish I had now.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 30/03/2022 21:19

@SisterBlis

Ok, it didn't go well.

Maybe I should've taken some of your advice.

That did not go down well. Maybe should have just kept that to myself. Wish I had now.

I think you have a serious problem with your wife's defensiveness if she genuinely reacted poorly to that. What on Earth did she say?

AskingforaBaskin · 30/03/2022 21:31

@SisterBlis

Ok, it didn't go well.

Maybe I should've taken some of your advice.

That did not go down well. Maybe should have just kept that to myself. Wish I had now.

You need to crunch the numbers. Can she afford to do this alone? Because if not I would start evening out the control.

Original poster

SisterBlis · 30/03/2022 21:32

@aSofaNearYou

I'm very disappointed. You can't ever take that back. I feel unsupported. I've had to have years of supporting you with your children and not being able to have weekends away because we have them.

OP posts:

TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 30/03/2022 21:34

[quote SisterBlis]@aSofaNearYou

I'm very disappointed. You can't ever take that back. I feel unsupported. I've had to have years of supporting you with your children and not being able to have weekends away because we have them.[/quote]
But surely you've been supporting her and having her children live full time with you? Rather than your children who only live with you on weekends?

BoodleBug51 · 30/03/2022 21:35

I think it's good that you've verbalised it. Your DW may be a bit annoyed and angry right now, but you very well may be voicing things that she's feeling.

I'd let the dust settle a bit.

DH and I often don't agree on life changing decisions, but one thing we've both learned to do is listen to the others opinion....... even if we don't agree with it.

Original poster

SisterBlis · 30/03/2022 21:40

@TheMarvelousMrsMaisel

Her ex has her youngest every other weekend from Friday evening.

My ex has my 2 every other weekend from sat lunchtime. That's the routine. It's always been a sore point.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 30/03/2022 21:45

[quote SisterBlis]@aSofaNearYou

I'm very disappointed. You can't ever take that back. I feel unsupported. I've had to have years of supporting you with your children and not being able to have weekends away because we have them.[/quote]
And did she never say anything along the lines of "I'm disappointed never to have a weekend away, but sometimes you have to take what life throws at you", the equivalent of what you said? Seems unlikely given it's always been a sore point.

It sounds like she carries a lot of resentment and is quick to react negatively.

Original poster

SisterBlis · 30/03/2022 21:52

No that bit was never added. Just I'm very disappointed. It's gets mentioned frequently that it's my fault we can never go away and spend quality time together, strengthen our relationship etc..

OP posts:

Original poster

SisterBlis · 30/03/2022 21:53

@BoodleBug51

I think it's good that you've verbalised it. Your DW may be a bit annoyed and angry right now, but you very well may be voicing things that she's feeling.

I'd let the dust settle a bit.

DH and I often don't agree on life changing decisions, but one thing we've both learned to do is listen to the others opinion....... even if we don't agree with it.

That's good advice. Thank you. Hopefully the dust will settle. Also, she is very stressed and worried about the whole situation, so I'm trying to cut her some slack

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 30/03/2022 22:31

@SisterBlis

No that bit was never added. Just I'm very disappointed. It's gets mentioned frequently that it's my fault we can never go away and spend quality time together, strengthen our relationship etc..

What I mean is it's apparently ok for her to complain about things but you can't do the same in reverse, even seemingly on a smaller scale.

JustKittenAround · 31/03/2022 05:09

OP I think that your concerns are valid.

I would also offer up that it is completely valid for this young woman to be offered the true reality of her situation. It is her choice to carry on with this and it is her reality to bear.

Young mothers get help from their parents but nobody ever thinks about the cost on the parents or the cost on the siblings. All the self righteous people haven’t even taken a good sit to really think about the sacrifices they have thrown on others backs.

Because your life and happiness mean something you only have one. It’s always our jobs to do without and sacrifice.

I believe you are likely in the UK so I’m not sure how laws are but if she chooses to go through this she needs to understand that he must pay.

I digress, I really want to impress on you that there are people who get your situation and also get you don’t want it. It is not evil to not want this burden, what is evil is those trying to guilt you into it.

This young lady is about to blow up her life as she knows it. Ask any honest young mother, they are unable to do so many things they should do. So many experiences lost. This is the reality and sacrifice of having a child.

At any rate, anyone can say what they want but I get just wanting to enjoy your life and put your attention toward the younger children. It is so much work to have a baby and a young mother who will want to still experience her life in the house because you are expected to hold the bag. What about you? Why doesn’t that matter?

Alright I’m ranting but damn I am shocked at some of these people. She is making her own life choices and needs to own up to them. This is big league accountability.

alexdgr8 · 31/03/2022 05:24

would she consider having the child adopted ?
there is a big waiting list for newborns.

Swayingpalmtrees · 31/03/2022 13:06

How can she be disappointed that this is not a plan either of you had just a few months ago?

Silencing you with I am disappointed is very loaded.

Your weekends away are never going to happen now, as all the time and finances I am sure will be redirected to the baby.

I think is okay to talk this out with her on your own without the dc, and lay out how you see this working and what your expectations are. You really both need to do this, and figure out everything from where everyone sleeps to your commitment to babysitting - money etc.

Unless you really talk about the detail, you are going to run into massive problems later on when your unity breaks down at the first request from your sd and you are not aligned.

A newborn baby is a massive life change for everyone, please don't let your wife minimise your concerns about your ability as a family to cope with it. Most people would feel the same as you. Your wife might feel stressed about it, but I am sure you do as well? Given you are a married couple and it is happening to all of you effectively.

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