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Original poster

I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

291 replies

SisterBlis · 28/03/2022 23:02

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

OP posts:
thatweirdhippygirl · 29/03/2022 01:31

@GreyCarpet

What is it about having a baby in the house you don't want?

It won't be your baby.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever met a baby, but they have a rather large presence.

They cry a lot, often all night long. The whole household is often sleep deprived. It is largely impossible to relax with a baby crying, especially if you get a colicky one.

They also need quite a lot of stuff which migrates all over the house, takes up a lot of space, and they create a LOT of washing.

Around 6 months they start crawling, meaning you have to baby proof the entire house so they don’t get hurt.

I said on another thread these situations are such lose/lose for the parents (of the daughter). They’re either unsupportive and labelled assholes, or they have to accept someone has made a decision for their lives and their household that they get no say in. So unfair.

IEatChocolateForBreakfast · 29/03/2022 01:31

@5zeds

You’ve got four children you must have expected grandchildren at some point. Will her dad help at all? What were her plans before the pregnancy? Was she going to continue living with you?

Obviously. But it's highly unlikely they envisioned their grandchild living with them and all their other own children. Confused

This is a very difficult situation OP. Having a baby under your roof whether it's your own or someone else's will impact the entire household. For those posters silly enough to make the below comments - I’m not sure why you can’t think ahead to what a logistical nightmare the whole situation could be.

“What is it about having a baby in the house you don't want? It won't be your baby”

“But it's not you having the baby. It's her.”

Seriously!?! There will already be 6 family members living under one roof, then add a baby on top of that. All of the ‘stuff’ that comes along with a baby. Where will it all go? If the baby needs to nap and the other children are running around the house or want to have friends over to play that puts them out by needing to be quiet. Babies wake up and cry in the night. That could impact the entire house. And babies certainly don’t stay cute and immobile for long. So then they need to baby proof the house again. There are soooo many things here to consider here. It’s a huge imposition.

I’ve got a toddler and am so thankful those baby years are behind me. I couldn’t do with another living in my house again, even if it wasn’t my own. I’m just so past that stage now.

Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:35

@HirplesWithHaggis

My ds was 18 and his gf 19 when they had a baby. 12 years on, they are no longer together, but co-parent really, really brilliantly, mum has two other DC by a now-ex and has trained to obtain her dream job as a nurse. I am filled with admiration for her, she's a brilliant mum and a real hard worker, though not successful at school.

This is a beginning, not an end.

That's great. Well done them 👏 I'm sure you played your part in giving support and direction

Yes. The beginning. But it doesn't need to start with a baby, that could come later. It's going to make her life hard from the beginning. Feel sad for her

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:37

@IEatChocolateForBreakfast

Thank you for understanding!!

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 29/03/2022 01:40

I did end up giving some support, but not daily care, I was very clear that wasn't on the table. Just wanted to give you some hope for the future. (And was not impressed with their choice to have a baby, it was very definitely planned.) I was sad, and angry tbh, you seem less cross than I felt at the time.

Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:42

@thatweirdhippygirl

Thank you. Exactly this. I feel sorry for our other children. They will have their sleep disturbed which isn't ideal on school nights. They will get less of our time and attention. Money will be spread more thinly.

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:46

@HirplesWithHaggis

I did end up giving some support, but not daily care, I was very clear that wasn't on the table. Just wanted to give you some hope for the future. (And was not impressed with their choice to have a baby, it was very definitely planned.) I was sad, and angry tbh, you seem less cross than I felt at the time.
Thank you for the hope. Yes, not angry. Just concerned about the impact on everyone else As others have said, it'll be fine. It'll have to be!
OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 29/03/2022 01:47

I would have a very stern discussion detailing your demands if she chooses to continue with this pregnancy. You didn't lay there and make it and yet this is your problem.

How is she going to financially contribute? Rent, water, gas, electric etc has she followed the news on the sky rocketing costs?
Childcare? And work? How is she going to pay the above and childcare ontop?

Is she aware that to have a social life she is now responsible for finding a babysitter? They can be expensive.

The responses here are utterly ridiculous. It's funny because there is this exact scenario on another thread but the poster is the teens mum and a lot of posters agreed that abortion would be best and all agreed that the OPs life would be affected.

Yet throw step in front and the poster is the Devil.

Ineedapuppy · 29/03/2022 01:54

Personally, I would lay out the financial costs, be honest about the amount of support you can offer and make it clear what impact it will have on the family.

It’s not too late at 14 weeks whatever the hand wringers say. You say you’d be more honest with your own daughter - then perhaps preface the discussion with that but continue to be honest as quite simply it’s your life and your kids life she’ll fuck up

Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:54

@AskingforaBaskin

I would have a very stern discussion detailing your demands if she chooses to continue with this pregnancy. You didn't lay there and make it and yet this is your problem.

How is she going to financially contribute? Rent, water, gas, electric etc has she followed the news on the sky rocketing costs?
Childcare? And work? How is she going to pay the above and childcare ontop?

Is she aware that to have a social life she is now responsible for finding a babysitter? They can be expensive.

The responses here are utterly ridiculous. It's funny because there is this exact scenario on another thread but the poster is the teens mum and a lot of posters agreed that abortion would be best and all agreed that the OPs life would be affected.

Yet throw step in front and the poster is the Devil.

Wow that's really interesting.

You're right. We're happy to be supportive. And certainly won't be kicking anyone out on the street. But she created this situation and needs to take some responsibility

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 29/03/2022 01:55

What is it about having a baby in the house you don't want?

How about- potentially bottles all over the kitchen, sterilising kit taking up needed room on the bench; lots of little bowls/plates/cups/sippy cups/toddler cutlery needing to find homes in your kitchen; baby yoghurt pouches are asking up room in your fridge; soaking buckets littered about your laundry; lots of extra loads of washing for baby/toddler clothes as they can go through heaps per day with vomits/poonami’s etc; baby & toddler toys and paraphernalia everywhere; not enough room in outside bin due to nappies; being woken several times a night due to baby crying/teething even though you don’t have to get up it’s disruptive to sleep; maybe pets that were added to the family post baby as not compatible with baby stage. Loads more as well.

No way would I want my house reorganised for a baby. Quite happy to have grandkids to visit and would accomodate accordingly but not re-set up house, that would be their parents jobs to have all the crap, mess and disruption in their own houses. If they can’t facilitate they, then they have no business having a baby.

Seema1234 · 29/03/2022 01:56

I think I'd focus on putting a plan together on how it will work. What you and your wife and prepared to give and what not. How much , if any childcare. Where will the babies stuff go? Expectations of your SD in terms of work, study and what childcare she will need and have to arrange.

I don't blame you for feeling this way. But it's happening so you're best just working out a plan to make it the most bearable. At least then you have more control over it.

AskingforaBaskin · 29/03/2022 01:56

@HoppingPavlova

What is it about having a baby in the house you don't want?

How about- potentially bottles all over the kitchen, sterilising kit taking up needed room on the bench; lots of little bowls/plates/cups/sippy cups/toddler cutlery needing to find homes in your kitchen; baby yoghurt pouches are asking up room in your fridge; soaking buckets littered about your laundry; lots of extra loads of washing for baby/toddler clothes as they can go through heaps per day with vomits/poonami’s etc; baby & toddler toys and paraphernalia everywhere; not enough room in outside bin due to nappies; being woken several times a night due to baby crying/teething even though you don’t have to get up it’s disruptive to sleep; maybe pets that were added to the family post baby as not compatible with baby stage. Loads more as well.

No way would I want my house reorganised for a baby. Quite happy to have grandkids to visit and would accomodate accordingly but not re-set up house, that would be their parents jobs to have all the crap, mess and disruption in their own houses. If they can’t facilitate they, then they have no business having a baby.

The babyproofing!

My house will never be fully baby proofed again.

You want to bring a baby here their life is your responsibility 😂

Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 01:58

@Ineedapuppy

Personally, I would lay out the financial costs, be honest about the amount of support you can offer and make it clear what impact it will have on the family.

It’s not too late at 14 weeks whatever the hand wringers say. You say you’d be more honest with your own daughter - then perhaps preface the discussion with that but continue to be honest as quite simply it’s your life and your kids life she’ll fuck up

Being honest with my own children is OK, I have to tread carefully and pick my words carefully with my step children. Inter family politics can be tricky sometimes
OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 29/03/2022 01:59

I wouldn't be careful. Why do you have to? She is coming to you with her hand out!

She doesn't like it then she can be the grownup she wants to be and move out.

HoppingPavlova · 29/03/2022 02:01

Plus babysitting, not my job but in the other hand o also don’t want randoms in my house babysitting. Let’s face it, when a baby comes along (even as parents), it’s no longer your house but really the baby’s house as it needs to be set up for baby. So you suffer through this period, then when your last is old enough you start to regain ‘your’ house again and everything can be as you want without having to prioritise all the baby/little people crap. No way would I wind that back! Little visitors, yes. Permanent house members, no.

MangyInseam · 29/03/2022 02:05

[quote SisterBlis]@thatweirdhippygirl

Thank you. Exactly this. I feel sorry for our other children. They will have their sleep disturbed which isn't ideal on school nights. They will get less of our time and attention. Money will be spread more thinly.[/quote]
You may find that your other kids really enjoy having a baby in the house, they won't be seeing it from the same perspective you will.

You may enjoy it more than you think in the end as weel.

But it would be a good idea to sit down and map out some plans and expectations, and also find out what kinds of financial support she's entitled to, including from the father.

drspouse · 29/03/2022 02:13

If she can't even look after her bedroom and her cutlery it's not looking good for a baby...

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 29/03/2022 02:14

I had my first at 16 and lived with my mum and younger sister for a few years (my dad died when baby was 6 weeks old )

She will get universal credits and help with childcare if she works and help with rent when she moves out . She can support the baby and herself with that, plenty of people have to run a house themselves on benefits

Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 02:15

@AskingforaBaskin

I wouldn't be careful. Why do you have to? She is coming to you with her hand out!

She doesn't like it then she can be the grownup she wants to be and move out.

It's my wife that wouldn't like it

If my SD moved out, and my wife thought it was because of me, something I'd said, whether I had any right to say it, or regardless of if it was valid, I think I'd end up having to move out too. She wouldn't forgive me for that.

OP posts:
lemmein · 29/03/2022 02:15

Honestly, I felt like this when my DD became pregnant at 19. She wasn't employed, had no money, hadn't finished college, lived at home and the baby's dad had done one before the pee stick was dry! I really worried about having a newborn in the house; I expected it all to fall on me and I was resentful tbh that I didn't have much say on this huge change happening in my home.

4 years later and I can say all that worry was unnecessary - my DD is an amazing mum, truly amazing. Having my GS motivated her so much to do better, for him. She's on her way to uni this year and is working part-time - she's a completely different person, focused, confident - that little boy has been the making of her. She lived at home till he was 2 and then got her own place which she saves for none stop to make cosy for him - I'm so proud of her.

I can understand your concerns; I used to say to my DD that I was happy for her but I wouldn't have chosen that path for her - but now, honestly, if I could go back 5 years I wouldn't change a thing. My GS is the centre of our family, he's adored - life worked out, your DSD might just surprise you, don't fret just yet.

Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 02:17

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

I had my first at 16 and lived with my mum and younger sister for a few years (my dad died when baby was 6 weeks old )

She will get universal credits and help with childcare if she works and help with rent when she moves out . She can support the baby and herself with that, plenty of people have to run a house themselves on benefits

Sorry to hear that.

Thank you, we certainly need to look more into what support she could get. Especially with childcare

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterBlis · 29/03/2022 02:19

@lemmein

Honestly, I felt like this when my DD became pregnant at 19. She wasn't employed, had no money, hadn't finished college, lived at home and the baby's dad had done one before the pee stick was dry! I really worried about having a newborn in the house; I expected it all to fall on me and I was resentful tbh that I didn't have much say on this huge change happening in my home.

4 years later and I can say all that worry was unnecessary - my DD is an amazing mum, truly amazing. Having my GS motivated her so much to do better, for him. She's on her way to uni this year and is working part-time - she's a completely different person, focused, confident - that little boy has been the making of her. She lived at home till he was 2 and then got her own place which she saves for none stop to make cosy for him - I'm so proud of her.

I can understand your concerns; I used to say to my DD that I was happy for her but I wouldn't have chosen that path for her - but now, honestly, if I could go back 5 years I wouldn't change a thing. My GS is the centre of our family, he's adored - life worked out, your DSD might just surprise you, don't fret just yet.

That's lovely to hear. Really lovely. Thank you for sharing that. That does give me hope!
OP posts:
StarCat2020 · 29/03/2022 02:38

OP are you male? I assumed female from your posting style
Not that it matters but I think the OP is female (SisterBliss) and is married to another female.

The issue with DD is the same whether it is two ladies, two men or a lady and a man.

StarCat2020 · 29/03/2022 02:46

Talk to her, like really talk to her.

What does she want to happen?

How does she see her life developing from here?

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