I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

[SisterBlis]

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

@Opentooffers

Her baby, if she keeps it, she looks after it - though I get the noise could be an issue, depending on how the baby is, my son was lovely as a baby - still is as a man too.

Most babies are love;y, if not all. But to pretend it won't affect the rest of the household is nonsense. And it's not just noise. Having a baby in the house will affect everyone lots in many different ways.

The OP is clearly just venting. They have said that nothing will happen. The baby will be brought back to the house to live. The step daughter will still be living their being supported. But yes, it's okay to not be happy about it at this point and better to vent on an anonymous forum than in real life.

@Kdubs1981

This thread is insane.

You're allowed to be unhappy about it, but if my husband made it difficult for my teenage daughter to live with me when she was pregnant, probably scared, needing support from her mum I would most definitely be considering whether I wished to continue being married to him.

I wonder would OP feel
The same if she was his biological daughter?

Nowhere is he giving the impression he is making it difficult or being unsupportive. He is just asking for our opinion and most of us are giving rational And kind answers. Unlike you.

Given her room is a pigsty and she can't even load a dishwasher and your wife is already trying to reorganise her work so she can be available I'd have to say all signs point to your wife doing the bulk of the child rearing while your step daughter stays in child mode.

I can’t believe people are saying why are you bothered it’s not your baby. I would be horrified if my daughter announced a pregnancy with no partner and wanted to live at home. It’s a massive imposition and I would be helping her to think of ways for independent living. You need to have a frank conversation about her plans and assumptions-and if you’re not happy, to make it clear the status quo is a temporary solution until she can move to her own place. That’s not throwing her out but it is helping her be more responsible.

"What in the world's difference would this make?
Not in the least trying to hide my gender but would it change your opinion of me or my families situation?"

Oh, op, how naive.

You already have 50 wrong points because you are a step parent. Being male is an extra 100 wrong points. If you get another 50 wrong points you get a massive electric shock through whatever device you're posting on.

As a step parent absolutely everything you do or say gets you wrong points
If you are a man then absolutely everything you do or say gets you wrong points plus the man penalty which doubles your wrong points.

Put on protective gloves while posting is my advice. And brace yourself. You're about to get a new hairdo.

Those suggesting a council property - she will have to wait years as there are people more in need.

@Clymene

If you don't want the baby, have nothing to do with the baby. It's her baby, not yours. You don't have to help in any way

Do the new models come with a silencer? And a house free of baby clutter?

@AskingforaBaskin

I wouldn't be careful. Why do you have to? She is coming to you with her hand out!

She doesn't like it then she can be the grownup she wants to be and move out.

@SisterBlis

It's my wife that wouldn't like it

If my SD moved out, and my wife thought it was because of me, something I'd said, whether I had any right to say it, or regardless of if it was valid, I think I'd end up having to move out too. She wouldn't forgive me for that.

As a step-mom, I can tell you you walk on eggshells. Even something totally reasonable like asking them to clean their room can cause ructions! There seems to be some sort of unwritten rule that the DSC can do whatever they like because you are not their parent and they are aware of their power over the other parent!

Not always, of course, but normal rules don't seem to apply. Your relationship is the sacrifice for the sake of the DSC. Usually I understand and accept this as I knew he had a child when I met him but sometimes with the best will in the world, it's grit my teeth time. OP I feel for you - if your DSD doesn't keep her room clean or help with chores now, how on earth is she going to manage a baby? You and your wife will have to have private talks - calmly - about how best to manage the situation regarding her, the baby and how things would go in an ideal world, and then your wife will need to have a long heart to heart with her daughter.

Good luck - this baby is going to disrupt things massively despite naive posters saying 'but it's only a baby, won't affect you' snorts of course it won't

Do you have a garage that you could do a proper conversion on? Insulation, decoration, maybe add a toilet and mini kitchen so she can prepare bottles?
That way she is somewhat independent but you are right there if she needs you.

@RonSwansonsChair

Yes, it is different. Not sure why I read it as she wanted to move in, rather than she lived there already. Therefore, I do think you should be willing to support her with somewhere to live, especially in the short term

Because the vast majority of posters are women & the OP said the only option was for SD & baby to 'live with us'. Making it sound like the DS didn't already.

Natural assumption the OP was the SM & the SD is living elsewhere

Sounds like a total nightmare, is this site full or women that got pregnant as teenagers or something? If you are old enough to have a baby then you are old enough to live independently, a baby will be a huge imposition on the whole household and it’s not fair on the children who already live there. If you can’t look after a baby without your own parents helping you that much I would question if it really is the right time.

@KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa

Do you want her to abort a 14 week pregnancy? You have 5 children no less so you must have liked babies at somepoint? Having all those children did you not think you might have grandchildren one day, even if all 5 aren't yours? I'd be considering my marriage if my husband was so nasty towards my pregnant teen. Id be trying to work out how i can help her not looking to throw her out or manipulate her into abortion. Are you a man or woman?

If the teen cannot support the child emotionally and practically (it sounds like she’s very very immature for a 19yo) then abortion could be the right decision for her. Allows her time to grow up and develop into a woman. Gives her time to enjoy her teens/early 20s and get her life sorted so she can actually provide for dc when she’s older.

A 14 week foetus is the size of a kiwi and wouldn’t be able to survive outside the womb. It’s not a baby.

@Clymene

What does your wife think?

Will your stepdaughter have an abortion id you make it clear you won't be picking up the pieces?

WTAF????

I think there's a lot of people in this thread defending the Step-Daughters choice to the last, which is correct when it comes to the pregnancy, but as a young Woman her right to keep her baby surely does not also come with the god-given right to bring that baby into a home she shares with 5 other people?

There will be no 'ignoring' night wakes and screaming fits unless their house is a mansion. This will enormously effect all of the family, in some positive ways no doubt but in some negative too.

OP has every right to be concerned. Harder for them to express as a step-parent no doubt but if I were the parent in this situation I'd be a) telling the whole truth about what lies ahead and b) making it clear that the living situation is temporary and supporting her to find somewhere of her own and figuring out how to afford this on her own.

Back to the OP's original point, as harsh as it is, while accidents happen and I support choice in that instance, I agree that too many children are born to people who cannot afford to support them. It's nobody's right to have children to the degree that others (family or social support) are obliged to pay.

OP, i really feel for you here. And for your Dsd, and your Dw. But unlike your Dsd you can’t make a decision and unlike your DW you can’t influence a decision.

But you have your own compassion and care for your Dsd, as well as (presumably) love for your DW.

However much I loved my new grandchild my heart would sink if one of my Dc had a baby at such a young age and before they were able to be independent, and at the thought of endless night wakings, washing machine and wet washing everywhere, just general baby life.

But you are where you are.

If it was one of your own kids who was pg and planning to go ahead, how would you expect your DW to engage? What would you hope for in terms of support, and which areas would you feel torn between supporting your own Dc and knowing the impact on your DW?

Unless you do live in a vast palace with great sound proofing, the nighttime waking is likely to be an issue for the whole household. Unless you can all sleep through the disturbance, some people can, I suppose. Will this affect other teens doing exams?

Can you suggest a room move-around that puts your Dsd in a more self contained situation, e.g in the loft conversion if you have one?

Do all the children have quiet study areas so that they can continue to do well at school despite the extra activity (especially if Dsd stays with you until your DGC is a toddler!)

Would DW changing her hours affect your family finances, putting extra pressure on you? Personally I think beyond taking the equivalent of parental leave, to give her Dd the support she would have had from the Dad, it does risk infantilising getting Dd to start compromising her own life and work to become a part time (grand) parent.

So I think all you can do is try and be supportive, helpful and constructive in finding solutions to the practical issues (as you are being), while being optimistic about how in the end we do all fall for a baby.
But also find ways to talk frankly but without criticism to your DW about your own boundaries and feelings.

Not easy, but I wish you all the luck in the world.

I'd hate this as well to be honest, fair play to you though you sound supportive and agree it's tricker to speak honestly to a step child than your own in many ways about stuff like this. I do agree perhaps it's worth seeing if your wife would be happy to be realistic with her DD and lay out costs, the impact on other stuff, do you have enough bedrooms for when the baby is a bit older? It's not as easy as jumping into social housing or finding somewhere to rent, and it can be hard to see beyond the baby stage when pregnant. This isn't to say I think 19 year old are naive or incapable, but I'm sure all of us had surprises or stuff we hadn't considered enough before having a child.

You said you would be much more honest with your own children.
Your wife needs to have that same conversation with her dd.

Raising a child in an already overcrowded house at 19 is going to be a huge strain on her, the family and indeed the baby. Why does she want to go ahead with the pregnancy? She is just so young and ill equipped to be a parent. Her life chances will be greatly limited by this decision.

Of course if she goes ahead, the baby will arrive and you will all love him/her but I am not surprised you have reservations about the level of adjustment that will be needed.

I would be clear about what you can and can't do from the beginning, and stick with it. You have your hands full already taking on another baby because she wants to go out/see her friends etc needs to be clarified with her from the very beginning and with your wife too.

Op I admire you too.

I got pregnant straight out of Uni ended up a single parent (didn't start out that way). Both my parents where worried.

It's been hard and still is, but DD is the most amazing little person ever and my parents did eventually come round. They adore her now.

Hopefully it's the making of your SD.

Do look into benefits help, childcare, and even council/social housing. It's absolutely your right to not want a baby in the house, my parents didn't and I was very scared for awhile but it worked out. DD and I live near to my parents and yes they do help me out - the occasional school run so I can work or taking her to her dads or whatever but I pay for it all alone, and enjoy it mostly.

Good Luck, Op, I hope it all works out.

Babies don't always take up loads of space or cry all night. My baby didn't cry at night much at all or during the day (as long as attached to me) and how much baby stuff you have around is something you can have boundaries with.
I'd be more worried about the impact of a toddler ... but maybe your stepdaughter will want to move out?

I'd probably feel the same, it's not unreasonable. It may not be your baby but you know you and your wife will end up having to pick up a lot of the slack. There's nothing you can do, she's going ahead and your obviously can't ask them to leave. Maybe having open conversations before baby gets here and setting some firm boundaries might help. With 4 kids it's not like you don't know what's coming so that might help with plans in advance so she's clear on what you will/won't be doing. Good luck xx

Well she might find a course that leads to better employment opportunities and gives her a group of young adults her age to socialise with a big help. There are definitely flats and childcare etc at most universities.

@Clymene

If you don't want the baby, have nothing to do with the baby. It's her baby, not yours. You don't have to help in any way

Joyful!

Why are people so hateful about stepchildren having babies on MN? Would you completely disown your natural child if they were having your grandchild?

I think it’s not about the teenagers actions at all. Grown adults shouldn’t remarry and start second families if they are not prepared to treat the step children as if they were their own.

If she does decide to continue with her studies and go to uni then there's extra funding for LPs and childcare. When working with top up benefits there's extra help. Nursery starts at 2 now. I wouldn't focus on childcare, though. She needs to realise that children are yours 24/7. Through illness, hospital stays, accidents etc, as an LP that's what she has given her life over to. Not all children are born healthy, NT and without other issues. When she hits her 20's and wants to do things, she won't be able to unless you all step in to babysit and even then she has a child who wants to be with her. She'll want sex again and how will that be fitted in?
This will impact on you and your wife. You'd have to be really cold people for it not to. You'll have to help out to make life easier for your other children. I wouldn't overcommit to financially helping. She's got to claim what she can and budget because unless she stays studying, being skint is going to be her life. I'd be sending her on the school run with the 9 year old. Because she's committed to the school times for around seven years.
My DD becoming a LP has cut down my life choices on work, holidays, what I spend my money on etc. Hers was an abusive relationship, so I've fully stepped in because she did well to end it. She has always housed herself. I'm finding the children difficult at the age they are, both under 7 and me in my 50's, not in the best of health. I've been honest and said that I couldn't do another one, she'd be on her own.

I'm really shocked by some of the opinions on this post.

I fell pregnant at 19. I was immature and pretty useless. That baby who is about to turn 18 was the absolute making of me.

My amazing stepdad was the first person who knew I was pregnant. I had slept through most of Christmas and he took me aside to ask if I could be pregnant. I had already split with baby's dad and had not even considered I could be. He went to the chemist the day after Boxing Day and waited outside the bathroom while I did the test.

When I told him it was positive he held me by the shoulders and told me he would support me in any decision and we had best go tell my mum!

I lived at home for the first year and then moved to a rented home.

I will never ever forget the level of support he gave to me. He was better than my bio dad (who had a massive tantrum because he was "too young" to be a grandad)

Be that stepdad OP. Your sad needs live and support right now. She is scared, confused and doesn't know what to do. You need to step up.

Do the new models come with a silencer? And a house free of baby clutter?

If they do I want a refund on my two!

@SisterBlis you're stuck between a rock and a hard place here, and I don't blame you for posting on MN instead of saying it out loud at home.

Not going to lie I'm so over the baby stage this would be my worst nightmare.