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Original poster

I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

291 replies

SisterBlis · 28/03/2022 23:02

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 29/03/2022 03:43

I said on another thread these situations are such lose/lose for the parents (of the daughter). They’re either unsupportive and labelled assholes, or they have to accept someone has made a decision for their lives and their household that they get no say in. So unfair.
@thatweirdhippygirl ne'er a truer word spoken, believe me

ispepsiokay · 29/03/2022 04:16

I'd feel wary in your situation also, a new baby is a huge upheaval and you've not been able to have any say in what happens (it's your home too).

However, I was younger than your SD is now when I had my first, I moved out before my baby was born and we thrived. I wish you all the best of luck.

Sushi7 · 29/03/2022 04:18

How far gone is she? Emphasise that babies grow into children, which are expensive. Tell her that you will not be providing childcare unless it’s the odd occasion. It’s really unfair that you’ll be subjected to a baby in your already busy house. She also needs to realise she won’t be able to do normal teen social activities. She will have to sacrifice these. If she can’t move out, can’t afford the basics for raising a child and doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle then she needs to have a good think about whether this is the right time for her.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 29/03/2022 04:25

I'm sorry OP, this is so complicated to navigate. I think in your shoes I'd focus on getting you and your wife/partner on the same page - how is she feeling about this, what does she see things looking like in a year, two years, five years? How will that change her life and yours together? How does she envisage supporting her daughter?

Wiltshire90 · 29/03/2022 04:26

@GreyCarpet

What is it about having a baby in the house you don't want?

It won't be your baby.

Really surprised by responses like this. I say this as somebody WITH a baby! Why would you want to be kept up at all hours and disturbed by crying and baby stuff 24/7 if it's not yours and you've had no say in it?

I think some posters on this thread have forgotten how terribly disruptive having a baby is or have never experienced it. The only acceptable scenario would be if OP had a huge house or an annexe where they wouldn't be disturbed, else it's a huge sacrifice.

And yes, I am posting this in the middle of the night having been woken by the baby for the fourth time tonight Grin

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 29/03/2022 04:54

I can appreciate your stance.
I was pregnant at 16, became a mum at 17, was out on my arse by the time DD was 6 months old.

So the key thing I would say here is you need to sit with your wife, and discuss how much support you're both willing to offer, hash that out as a stance that you can both work with- her being your wife's biological child may mean that you need to compromise on some things, but also she may also need to.
How can you support DSD in this?
First and foremost I think that she needs a strong idea of what help she will receive in the interim, and also what help she will receive in the long run, she needs to know if there are responsibilities you will accept (odd babysitting, the financial spread you have discussed) but also, that these are generously met by yourselves- and for a limited time.
That leaves the responsibilities of x/y/z being hers, and any additional things she needs to do to make the living environment more habitable for the other people in the house.
Do you have a downstairs office? Might it be possible to swap over the office, and DSDs room to create a distance e between baby in the first months, with crying and night feeds etc from the teens and adults who have school and work the next day?

Maybe it would be a good idea to set DSD up with some general household chores in the near future? Get her into the position where she can do things like basic cleaning of her own space and maybe load, reload the dishwasher and hoover once a day by way of her being seen more as an adult. If she isn't working, can she get UC? Maybe she can contribute by paying the water bill or some money towards food?

She needs integrating to the world as an adult a little, so maybe you feel she's taking her responsibilities on, but she remains generally supported.

It sounds like you're trying to be really fair in a situation you don't much like, and that's amazing

PrincessNutella · 29/03/2022 05:09

I think you sound like a very caring stepfather. Of course it's a huge deal to have your stepdaughter being pregnant at 19! It sounds as if you're on the right track as you negotiate this, and that you care about her and her mother and that you really want the best for all concerned.

ButterfliesAndPancakes · 29/03/2022 05:32

@AllThingsServeTheBeam

Very easy to say if you can't support a child should you bring one into the world when it's not you that has to have the abortion or give it up for adoption isn't it?

Where is her mum?

The OP is married to the step child’s mum.
oakleaffy · 29/03/2022 05:48

@SisterBlis
You sound a far more patient person than I would be-
Hats off to you!
I do feel for your other DC in the household.
Housing is terrifyingly expensive these days for young people.
Best of luck.

ApolloandDaphne · 29/03/2022 06:01

This is not an ideal situation at all. I think when the dust settles you and your DW need to sit down with your DSD and be clear about your expectations. I can see you have a busy household but is her room big enough for her own bed and cot and all the baby stuff? Do you have extra downstairs rooms so that maybe baby stuff can be confined to one room and another a baby free Tv room? Not to banish baby but allow baby free space for the rest of the family if they want it. This needs to work for all the members of the family.

MrsPsmalls · 29/03/2022 06:16

This is so unfair of step daughter. Gosh If 19 year old dc purchased a dog and tried to bring it to live in my home without asking I'd be furious. That you have a DSD who seems to think it's fine to bring a child into your house is so entitled. She doesn't get to make that decision for you. The fact that she thinks any of this is in any way acceptable makes me wonder if she is mature enough to be a parent.

THisbackwithavengeance · 29/03/2022 06:17

Everyone is keen to ensure that the young women is not kicked out of the family home. Which will mean that she will stay in teenage mode forever only with a baby in tow which OP and their DW will probably become responsible for by default.

Perhaps it would be better if she were "kicked out". Round here there are rows of new build housing association 1 and 2 bed houses which Barrett etc have been forced to build as a sweetener to the council alongside their new 4 and 5 bed exec houses. They are all full of young single mothers and young, vulnerable families.

Believe me, the ones that are presenting as homeless are the ones that end up in the nice new HA houses on UC. No private landlord is going to rent to her unless she has a well paid job, let's face it.

hellcatspangle · 29/03/2022 06:17

All these posters saying "it's not your baby, it won't affect you", it will affect everyone hugely.

Baby clutter - everywhere. Sleepless nights for the whole household. Everyone being expected to keep the noise down while baby naps. The baby will literally become the centre of the universe for the whole household.

KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 29/03/2022 06:54

Do you want her to abort a 14 week pregnancy? You have 5 children no less so you must have liked babies at somepoint? Having all those children did you not think you might have grandchildren one day, even if all 5 aren't yours? I'd be considering my marriage if my husband was so nasty towards my pregnant teen. Id be trying to work out how i can help her not looking to throw her out or manipulate her into abortion. Are you a man or woman?

TonyBlairsLover · 29/03/2022 07:04

@KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa OP is being honest, no need to be mean

AskingforaBaskin · 29/03/2022 07:05

@KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa

Do you want her to abort a 14 week pregnancy? You have 5 children no less so you must have liked babies at somepoint? Having all those children did you not think you might have grandchildren one day, even if all 5 aren't yours? I'd be considering my marriage if my husband was so nasty towards my pregnant teen. Id be trying to work out how i can help her not looking to throw her out or manipulate her into abortion. Are you a man or woman?
This is such a ridiculous comment.

I have three children so I may end up with GC. However when I think of that they are all moved out with homes of their own.

I would absolutely hope they would abort in this situation. This is an awful situation.

OP does not have to be happy. This is not a blessing or a gift or any other BS.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/03/2022 07:13

Can she apply for a council property?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 29/03/2022 07:15

@ButterfliesAndPancakes yes. I think I'm aware of that being as I cross posted.

Brefugee · 29/03/2022 07:16

But it will affect the whole household! It's the OP's home and now a tiny baby is going to be brought into it without anyone else's agreement.
It's a huge imposition

agree. There are a lot of ridiculous posts here and if you compare it directly to that other thread (where the DD is only 17, to be fair) it is gobsmackingly obvious the difference in attitude when either a) the word "step" is introduced or b) pp thing OP is a man

However.
As with the other thread, there needs to first be a sit-dow with the other adult in the house (preferably one between the adults, then another involving the DD) to outline/thrash out what is on offer in terms of support, and where the red lines are for each of you. OP a little easier for you to establish boundaries here since it's not your DD but you do need to be on board (which you seem to be). DD is going to need to be told in very firm words what the expectations on her will be from now, about keeping her room tidy and preparing to welcome a baby into her and your lives.

You all also need to talk to and with the other people who live in the house - not scaremongering about how all fun will stop as soon as the baby closes its eyes, but some gentle scenarios so it doesn't come as a complete shock.

Good luck!

Rinatinabina · 29/03/2022 07:26

Yeah it will affect the whole household, tbh if she’s going to be staying at home and dead set on continuing pregnancy all you can do is draw boundaries.

I would say though that babies do have a way of growing on you so perhaps the best way to look at it is you may end up quite fond of the baby at some point. But yeah no-one is going to get any sleep for a while. I don’t blame you really for not being happy.

SunflowerTed · 29/03/2022 07:28

@Clymene

If you don't want the baby, have nothing to do with the baby. It's her baby, not yours. You don't have to help in any way
Get a grip
Flickflak · 29/03/2022 07:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SunflowerTed · 29/03/2022 07:31

@needingpeace

Does she want to keep the baby? I think this is a terrible imposition on you and the rest of your family. She’s making this huge decision that affects all of you and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to express that you aren’t happy about it. Why didn’t she use protection? Was she trying to get pregnant. I think these questions have to be answered. Can you support her to move out and find her own place?
Totally agree
SunflowerTed · 29/03/2022 07:32

@OppsUpsSide

I don’t know whether you are being unreasonable or not, but this is why I stay single. I wouldn’t be interested in the “whataboutme’s” and I definitely wouldn’t be interested in discussing whether my DD should continue with the pregnancy or trying to influence her. I would just view you as an inconvenience during a difficult time.
This isnt about you
Annette32123 · 29/03/2022 07:35

@Jellybellyfun88

It depends how you view it. I think a new baby could very well bring the family together in a more loving way.
Why do you think the family needs to be brought together in a more loving way? Nothing suggests it’s not already a loving family.

Not wanting a baby screaming in your home day and night for months is hardly unreasonable. Op has done that phase. She doesn’t live in a sound proof box. If the baby is in the house, the entire household will be impacted.