I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

[SisterBlis]

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

Her baby, if she keeps it, she looks after it - though I get the noise could be an issue, depending on how the baby is, my son was lovely as a baby - still is as a man too.

I don’t know whether you are being unreasonable or not, but this is why I stay single. I wouldn’t be interested in the “whataboutme’s” and I definitely wouldn’t be interested in discussing whether my DD should continue with the pregnancy or trying to influence her. I would just view you as an inconvenience during a difficult time.

She’s 19, does she not want to be moving into a place of her own anyway? You don’t necessarily have to be having a huge role in the baby’s life and she might not want every one ‘taking over’ anyway. Women have been good mum’s at 19 for centuries and more, but like all youngsters and new mums a bit of arms length support e.g. help with deposit, decorating new place, support around the time of the birth, the odd small loan while learning to budget, a bit of moral support etc like any new mum needs go a long way. You shouldn’t be having to babysit etc although her mum might want to occasionally. She’ll be entitled to housing support, UC, childcare support etc just like any other single mother, it’s the 21st century not the 1950s and 19 not 14 so she’s not really needing to be as dependant on you as you seem to be imagining unless she’s got some other issues?

@Autumn42

She’s 19, does she not want to be moving into a place of her own anyway? You don’t necessarily have to be having a huge role in the baby’s life and she might not want every one ‘taking over’ anyway. Women have been good mum’s at 19 for centuries and more, but like all youngsters and new mums a bit of arms length support e.g. help with deposit, decorating new place, support around the time of the birth, the odd small loan while learning to budget, a bit of moral support etc like any new mum needs go a long way. You shouldn’t be having to babysit etc although her mum might want to occasionally. She’ll be entitled to housing support, UC, childcare support etc just like any other single mother, it’s the 21st century not the 1950s and 19 not 14 so she’s not really needing to be as dependant on you as you seem to be imagining unless she’s got some other issues?

Finding somewhere to rent at the moment is so hard. 1, because of the super high costs 2, even if you can afford it, according to the estate agents, there are hundreds of people applying for every house that becomes available 3 Because of this, land Lords and estate agents are being very picking with tenants. I.e. choosing the ones with high paying jobs and over a certain age

Can she not get housing?

@OppsUpsSide

I don’t know whether you are being unreasonable or not, but this is why I stay single. I wouldn’t be interested in the “whataboutme’s” and I definitely wouldn’t be interested in discussing whether my DD should continue with the pregnancy or trying to influence her. I would just view you as an inconvenience during a difficult time.

Totally agree, I had a close family friend raise the issue of whether ‘I should keep my baby’ suggesting to me why might not be the best idea and over 20 years later I still have very strong feelings about them having even mentioned such a thing and have not spoken to them since. If I spoke to them it would only be to show what an amazing and lovely person that baby turned out to be. So yes absolutely don’t even go there if she hadn’t mentioned it herself

We're you living you yoir mum's home @Autumn42? Expecting her and her partner to pick up the bills ? Feeding and housing and clothing you?

Or were you standing on your own two feet?

@Autumn42

I do agree.

Regardless of opinions, my wife and I have supported her with the view that this is her choice and nobody elses

@SisterBlis
I know it’s not always easy to find rental property but there will be something somewhere, even if she has to move a little further afield. There are 1-2 young single mother’s at our local children’s centre and they seem to have managed to find a decent little flat, yes obviously the most sought after 2-3 bedroom house rental properties in nice areas tend to go to professional couples. Is she working at the moment, it would make it a lot easier for her to find somewhere and if she then got turfed out later she would then be eligible to apply to the council. Are there any housing associations she could apply to?

@needingpeace

Does she want to keep the baby? I think this is a terrible imposition on you and the rest of your family. She’s making this huge decision that affects all of you and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to express that you aren’t happy about it. Why didn’t she use protection? Was she trying to get pregnant. I think these questions have to be answered. Can you support her to move out and find her own place?

Are you fucking serious? Jesus

[quote SisterBlis]@Autumn42

I do agree.

Regardless of opinions, my wife and I have supported her with the view that this is her choice and nobody elses[/quote]
Good, tbh I think it will all work out fine for you all but at only 14 weeks this is obviously recent news and understandably a big shock for you and no doubt have all the potential implications flying around in your mind.
I think there’s nothing wrong with you having the expectation that the long term plan is that she gets her own place and stands on her own 2 feet (with family support like any other mother) she’s not a child and she shouldn’t be led to believe she is. Be clear about your expectations if she’s assuming a lot more from you both than your happy with, hopefully however she’ll be wanting to prove she can manage it and all she wants is for your to both be happy for her (once you’ve had chance to get over the shock!)

@kdubs1981

You sound angry. What is the point you were trying to make?

This thread is insane.

You're allowed to be unhappy about it, but if my husband made it difficult for my teenage daughter to live with me when she was pregnant, probably scared, needing support from her mum I would most definitely be considering whether I wished to continue being married to him.

I wonder would OP feel
The same if she was his biological daughter?

@Clymene

We're you living you yoir mum's home *@Autumn42*? Expecting her and her partner to pick up the bills ? Feeding and housing and clothing you?

Or were you standing on your own two feet?

Gosh no, there was no need as government support available then went back to when little one 6 months, had to move from London as housing and childcare would of been too expensive

@Autumn42

Thank you.

I think talking about expectations is a good idea.
I think she is unrealistic about how tough it can be.
We don't want to meddle and interfere but if we're all living under 1 roof then it'll be very hard not to be involved on a day to day basis.

We've tried to do the maths and can't work out how single people do it. Unless they have council or social housing I.e cheaper rent.
Also, how will she be able to work, nursery fees are really high, especially when they are young. There is the free nursery hours you get, but I think it's only after 3 yrs old

OP hasn't said anywhere that there's any thought of kicking the girl out. In fact they're supporting her choice to continue the pregnancy.
OP is allowed to vent about their concerns.
I had a teenage DD fall pregnant whilst living with me and not able to move out till GC was 18 mths old.
I can see exactly where they're coming from.
IME you do end up providing care far above that which you hoped because you love the baby and want the best for it. And it does completely change the household.
Even if OP's stepdaughter is a wonderful, conscientious mother, it's a big shift and affects your own life (and finances) hugely.

I guess if she goes ahead and has the baby she will likely continue to live with you until she has the means to move elsewhere and live independently. Or if you and your wife aren't happy to continue with her living with you she will need to apply for council accommodation or private rented accommodation and claim benefits towards the costs, like many other single parents have to. Does she have a dad on the scene ? Does she have her own room in your home or share with siblings?

[quote SisterBlis]@Autumn42

Thank you.

I think talking about expectations is a good idea.
I think she is unrealistic about how tough it can be.
We don't want to meddle and interfere but if we're all living under 1 roof then it'll be very hard not to be involved on a day to day basis.

We've tried to do the maths and can't work out how single people do it. Unless they have council or social housing I.e cheaper rent.
Also, how will she be able to work, nursery fees are really high, especially when they are young. There is the free nursery hours you get, but I think it's only after 3 yrs old[/quote]
She would claim Universal credit towards childcare fees, they will reimburse up to 85%, she claims child maintenance if the dad works, or she works weekends/ evenings and family help with childcare if you can. If she wants to study then as a student she could potentially get a childcare grant.

@Kdubs1981

This thread is insane.

You're allowed to be unhappy about it, but if my husband made it difficult for my teenage daughter to live with me when she was pregnant, probably scared, needing support from her mum I would most definitely be considering whether I wished to continue being married to him.

I wonder would OP feel
The same if she was his biological daughter?

No one is making it difficult. I don't know where you've got that from. I've been very supportive. Hence I'm seeking conversation and opinions on here rather than discussing it at home.

If it was my biological daughter, I would be a lot more honest about my opinion and what I think she should do

Tbh your house might not be the best place for her to bring up a baby so it's probably a good idea to have a chat about all the options eg would she prefer to live with her DF if he has more room and less people at home? has she applied to the local LA or HA to be added to their housing list? is there any supported accommodation for younger mums (although 19 isn't particularly young) and would she prefer it?

There are a few organisations that support young mums (ie under 25) they offer advice on what's available and also support. It would be helpful to tap into those resources as early as possible.

[quote SisterBlis]@Autumn42

Thank you.

I think talking about expectations is a good idea.
I think she is unrealistic about how tough it can be.
We don't want to meddle and interfere but if we're all living under 1 roof then it'll be very hard not to be involved on a day to day basis.

We've tried to do the maths and can't work out how single people do it. Unless they have council or social housing I.e cheaper rent.
Also, how will she be able to work, nursery fees are really high, especially when they are young. There is the free nursery hours you get, but I think it's only after 3 yrs old[/quote]
She would be entitled to benefits including help with nursery fees if she lived on her own.

You’re perfectly entitled not to be happy about this OP. Many people wouldn’t be happy even if it was their own daughter, not a stepdaughter. You expect them to move on with their lives as they leave their teens and become independent not become even more dependent with a baby as well. It is a huge imposition. I don’t see any problem with what @needingpeace posted. @Kdubs1981. She’s 19 and an adult so old enough to take responsibility.

Babies do have a massive effect on a household! The noise, the paraphernalia, having to baby proof, having to be quiet when it sleeps, extra washing etc. Not to mention how is she going to afford it if the father isn’t going to help out. Will her own father offer support when the baby’s here?

Obviously she’s 14 weeks so it’s done now and she’s having it.

What does her mother think about it?

The only thing you can do is help her to stand on her own feet as soon as possible and agree a plan of action with your wife and her regarding her sorting out childcare and working if she’s to stay living with you. It’s your house as well so you have a say. Your wife would be very unreasonable if she thinks you don’t.

OP are you male? I assumed female from your posting style.

@flyingdream

But it's not you having the baby. It's her.

Please. A baby that's going to live in the op's home, that will impact the op's life every single day.

@AnnesBrokenSlate

OP are you male? I assumed female from your posting style.

What in the world's difference would this make? Not in the least trying to hide my gender but would it change your opinion of me or my families situation?