Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

502 replies

Sasani · 27/03/2022 15:48

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

OP posts:
GregBrawlsInDogJail · 27/03/2022 15:49

I think she's right, you're wrong, and if you won't do this for her she should dump you.

Bunty55 · 27/03/2022 15:51

If you told your family the truth would your life be in danger OP ?

Rummikub · 27/03/2022 15:51

Can’t you say she lives there? Housemates? How often do they come? Meet in a middle country as a holiday?

drpet49 · 27/03/2022 15:52

* Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.*

^That is chilling.

I feel for you, you are in a no win situation OP.

Horcruxe · 27/03/2022 15:54

I'm sorry, I understand where you're coming from, but I wouldn't stand for that.

You'll need to meet them out of the house from now on if you want to carry on with the relationship.

User310 · 27/03/2022 15:55

I can absolutely see why you cannot tell your family but to make her leave her own home for a month or so every time you family comes is incredibly unreasonable.

I think the only compromise would be to say you have moved back in with ‘room mate’ and could they stay somewhere else when they visit.

Mermaidwaves · 27/03/2022 15:56

My exH is asian so I understand your dilemma. Are all of your family in Pakistan or are some in the UK? I think that it's unfair she has to leave her home when they visit so can you go somewhere else so she's not inconvenienced? I understand the complications of telling your family, do you genuinely believe your life would be at risk? I know in some cases this would be a fact sadly and if I was your partner I wouldn't want you to face that danger so I would be breaking this relationship up. I am sorry OP, same sex and inter racial relationships are still a massive taboo in some families.

HellToTheNope · 27/03/2022 15:56

But I have no choice

Of course you do, and you are currently making the wrong one.

The level of disrespect you are showing your partner is staggering, and I'm amazed she's put up with it for this long. Asking her to leave her home so your homophobic mother can visit is absolutely outrageous. Who do you think you are?

You need to stand up to your family like an adult and live truthfully. If your family cuts you out, so be it. They sound horrible anyway. Your partner would be mad to marry you under these circumstances.

Bobnotpop · 27/03/2022 15:57

I think she’s right.

At the very least she cannot be expected to move out of her own home every so often for even a day let alone a month.

If she’s there and your family don’t know she’s your partner it would be a very strange dynamic, you’d have to tell so many lies and she’d be hurt.

In fact she’s hurt now, there’s no easy answer. Someone is going to lose out, should it be the woman who loves you? Or the people who refuse to understand this?

She should come first, I’m sure you won’t even have to ask her to support you through the upset that telling your family will bring. You never know they may accept it and even if not you may feel free having it all out in the open.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 27/03/2022 15:59

It is a massive thing that I guess only people of your culture can truly understand. But I feel for your partner and as it his her house too I think she has a right to refuse to leave when your family come over.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 27/03/2022 15:59

OP's partner is not even asking OP to tell the truth about their relationship to her family. She's just asking OP to travel to visit her family instead of the family travelling to her so she (the partner) doesn't have to move out of her own home for an entire MONTH.

Simonjt · 27/03/2022 16:01

You absolutely have choice, you have chosen not to prioritise your relationship or the feelings of your partner. If you don’t want your family to know thats fine, but that means you shouldn’t be in a relationship as it isn’t at all fair on the other person.

girlmom21 · 27/03/2022 16:05

I think if you're not in Pakistan - and therefore presumably not in danger - you should be honest if you really love her, and if you don't let her find somebody who does.

Rummikub · 27/03/2022 16:06

Rent a flat for you whilst they visit?

I think that you need a strategy for long term.
Your open secret works only while your family don’t visit.
Is there someone in the community that can help you?

It’s a hard situation all round. As pp says some one gets hurt.

Silverclocks · 27/03/2022 16:08

You ask you partner to leave her home for "just a month" now and then? Shock

I understand why you don't want to tell them, but I'm afraid you do need to make a choice.

Whatever you decide you can't reasonably ask her to move out for a month at a time.

Original poster
Sasani · 27/03/2022 16:11

My life is not in danger, no. I am not in the UK but France btw. I don't want my family to disown me. My mom generally comes 4 to 5 times a year. She loves the city and to be away from her duties. She wants me to get married bladibla,she is so proud of me that I managed to buy a house in France. It would break her heart if she knew the truth...

My partner's family is super nice, supported me. So it's not like she spends a month with horrible people. I badly want to get married with her. I love her. The fact that I am a lesbian in a relationship with a woman who's of African origins is the ultimate taboo.

We are both 28 , have good jobs, everything seems so forget. I wish my love could just make a bit of effort to help me with this issue. We managed for nearly 10 years, she never explained why it's suddenly an issue.

OP posts:
layladomino · 27/03/2022 16:12

Even if you feel you can't tell your family (accepting that is putting their feelings in front of your partner's), you can't make her leave her own home for a month so you can keep up the pretence.

I think your partner has every right to say that, if you really won't tell your family, then meet them somewhere else so that at least isn't complicit in your lies, and she isn't inconvenienced by them.

MamaTutu2 · 27/03/2022 16:13

@Sasani you sound awful, you supposedly love this woman but only if she hides her existence and leaves her house for extended periods to make things easier for you.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 27/03/2022 16:15

@HellToTheNope

But I have no choice

Of course you do, and you are currently making the wrong one.

The level of disrespect you are showing your partner is staggering, and I'm amazed she's put up with it for this long. Asking her to leave her home so your homophobic mother can visit is absolutely outrageous. Who do you think you are?

You need to stand up to your family like an adult and live truthfully. If your family cuts you out, so be it. They sound horrible anyway. Your partner would be mad to marry you under these circumstances.

Didn't you understand the but where the op said that her family would kill her? She actually means she will be killed by them. They would say that she has dishonored the family and male members of the family would murder her. It happens a lot in Pakistan and has also happened in the UK if a Pakistani woman has gone against her parents wishes
Silverclocks · 27/03/2022 16:15

A month "4 to 5 times a year"?

OK, this can't be true.

Daisy4569 · 27/03/2022 16:16

I think rather than thinking it’s suddenly an issue for her which she needs to explain you should think it’s great she’s put up with the situation for nearly 10 years. She’s done her part by leaving the house previously now it’s your turn to let her stay and you go and visit your family. I’d say the vast majority of people would take issue with leaving their own house for a month to accommodate someone.

Rummikub · 27/03/2022 16:16

I guess with owning your own home and the talk of marriage she wants to be ‘official’. And 4 times a year is a lot.

There needs to be compromise and you both need to decide where your lines are.

Are you sure your mum won’t accept your situation? Maybe not initially but with time?

MajesticallyAwkward · 27/03/2022 16:17

You make your partner move out of her own home for a MONTH 4 or 5 times a year? So 4/5 months of the year she is forced out of a home she owns so your homophonic and racist family can stay?

I don't buy 'oh they're religious' as an excuse either.

If you genuinely think they would kill you then keep yourself safe, but your partner is right. Either you visit them or find somewhere else to stay if you want to maintain the relationship and lies or she is absolutely right to walk away.

Gimlisaxe · 27/03/2022 16:18

You think its resonable that your partner moves out of her house for 4-5 months year?

She needs to run away from this relationship

Original poster
Sasani · 27/03/2022 16:18

Pre-covid that's how it was. And my mom is coming to visit this summer. Hence the argument. It's not because I am Pakistani that my family cannot afford to fly.

OP posts: