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Original poster

Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

502 replies

Sasani · 27/03/2022 15:48

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 27/03/2022 16:18

OP, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. A lot of people will say that you should tell your family the truth, but I understand that you really can't do that.

Not telling them is one thing. It means that you're living a lie, but it might not be safe for you to do otherwise. However, it really isn't reasonable to expect your partner to move out of her own home for a month at a time every time your parents come to visit. That just isn't fair, OP, and it isn't sustainable. I totally understand why she is saying that she won't leave, and I would support her in that.

You need to find an alternative solution. You visit your parents and don't let them come to you. Meet in a midway location. Tell them that she lives there as your lodger or whatever. Don't tell them the truth if it would put either of you at risk, but don't push your partner out either. She deserves better.

IndoorsyImogen · 27/03/2022 16:20

Yikes, I wouldn't want people who I thought would murder me if they found out about my sexuality coming to stay in my house for a whole month 5 times a year. That is terrifying. What happens if they're in your home with you on your own and they come across a photo or something? Very scary thought!

HelenWick · 27/03/2022 16:20

My DB left his Muslim male partner after 10 years of this pretence. Stand up for your relationship and your partner or you will lose her.

ReadyToMoveIt · 27/03/2022 16:21

She has to leave her own house for 4-5 months every year?
YABVU.

Dontbeme · 27/03/2022 16:21

I wish my love could just make a bit of effort to help me with this issue. We managed for nearly 10 years, she never explained why it's suddenly an issue

A bit of effort? Come on you hide her from your family, she moves out of her own home to accommodate your mother visiting 4 to 5 times per year, her family show you love and support while you treat their daughter as some dirty secret to be ashamed of. She's 28, has it crossed your mind that she's tired of this shit and she might like a relationship and marriage to someone who will be proud of her, to publicly be acknowledged as a wife?

NannyKrampus · 27/03/2022 16:24

How dare you expect your partner to move out of her own home! That is utterly disgusting. She should dump your backbone-less arse and find someone loyal instead.

Butterfly44 · 27/03/2022 16:24

She's in the right. Why should she leave her house for a month; how long do you think this can go in for? They must be looking for you to get married.
Yes change is scary but you can't have the best of both worlds. Enough is enough. You either lose your partner or lose your parents. You live your life once so choose wisely.

Natfemale · 27/03/2022 16:24

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GregBrawlsInDogJail · 27/03/2022 16:26

I wish my love could just make a bit of effort to help me with this issue. We managed for nearly 10 years, she never explained why it's suddenly an issue.

This is incredibly unreasonable. A "bit of effort"? She's swallowed you keeping her as your dirty secret for ten years. She's dealt with having to move out of her own home for months at a time for ten years. She's given you acres of rope and swallowed her own feelings about it. FOR TEN FUCKING YEARS.

I don't envy your position. But she's made a metric ton of effort. Much more than you have had to. Good for her for no longer being a doormat.

Kuachui · 27/03/2022 16:28

im with her on this. you cant kick her out of her own house and comfort. go on a holiday yourself dont put this on her.

FionnulaTheCooler · 27/03/2022 16:29

I'm with your partner on this one. If you can't be honest with your family, even though I understand how hard it would be for you to do that, your relationship doesn't have a future. I wouldn't stay with someone who treated me like something to be ashamed of.

Fluffymule · 27/03/2022 16:30

Do you think it reasonable for your partner to have to spend 4 months of the year living away from her home?

Can you answer that honestly?

CharSiu · 27/03/2022 16:32

The choice is her or your family. Though I think some posters really don’t have a clue in how you would never have any contact with your family again when you tell them, you would be dead to them.

I never ever told my Father I dated until I was engaged.

IsThePopeCatholic · 27/03/2022 16:34

Your poor partner. It’s time to challenge your family’s racist and homophobic views, otherwise they will never change. It’s not good enough to say it’s cultural / religious, or whatever. It’s wrong, if your family are so entrenched in their views, you’re better off without them anyway. They sound awful, and I feel sorry for your partner.

MintJulia · 27/03/2022 16:34

@User310

I can absolutely see why you cannot tell your family but to make her leave her own home for a month or so every time you family comes is incredibly unreasonable.

I think the only compromise would be to say you have moved back in with ‘room mate’ and could they stay somewhere else when they visit.

This, or go to visit them.

If you went to visit them, they wouldn't try to organise a husband for you, would they?

TheAverageUser · 27/03/2022 16:35

I don't think you can expect your partner to move out of her own home. She sounds like she's been really supportive so far but that's just not fair. Can you say you have a room mate again?

Mumof3confused · 27/03/2022 16:35

What would your partner like you to do in an ideal world? And how would that affect you? Is your mother open minded? Could she keep a secret?

PinaColada123456 · 27/03/2022 16:35

If this is true OP you sound like a selfish monster! So your partner has to live away from her own home for 4 to 5 months per year, just because of your mother? You are disgusting to treat your partner so bad, you should truly be very ashamed of yourself. She has made this sacrifice for 9 long years, she's done her part. Enough already! Your partner should not have to leave for even a weekend, let alone a month. You are taking the piss, and you have a cheek asking her because you're too immature to tell your own mother the truth.
You either choose your partner, or you choose your mother.

One or the other!! You cannot have both. It's obvious you are incredibly selfish and have no thought or concern for your partner's feelings or needs. I suggest you let your partner go so she can find someone who truly loves her and is truly committed to her, and will put her above all else including your mother. It's clear you cannot and will not do any of those 3, so let her go so she can find true love and happiness. You are not capable of being in a true, open, committed and caring relationship until you can choose your partner above your mother all sacrifice your mother and entire family for that. Until you can do that, stay single. Because what you are doing to your partner is selfish, cruel and deeply unfair. You have no right to ask this of anybody. So do the right thing and let your partner go to find true happiness for herself.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 27/03/2022 16:38

I think you need to start making some concessions for your partner.

Certainly don't return to Pakistan if your life I'd likely to be in danger there, or if you think you could be coerced into a marriage.

However, you need to come up with an alternative arrangement for seeing your family because its really not fair that she has leave her home so often and for so long so many times a year.

If you had said it was 1 or 2 nights once or twice a year then you'd have a lot more support on this thread but you're being unreasonable to ask to her to leave the house for a month at a time.

Do you have a spare room? Can you move into that while your family are in France and pretend she's your lodger? It's not ideal but she might agree as a compromise. If this means your family needs to stay in an Airbnb for while visiting then so be it.

1forAll74 · 27/03/2022 16:39

Just how long are you prepared to go along with this situation, it will surely not be a good outcome if things carry on like this. If you live in a different country, and your partner is the love of your life, you ought to be only thinking of the both of you, and live like a normal couple in the true sense of the word, and not the way you have described, because of all the outside influences from your family..

Okeydoky · 27/03/2022 16:41

I understand your difficultly. But I don't think this is sustainable. You can't ask your partner to move out of her own home multiple times a year.

What are you going to do if you have kids together? Tell your mum you've adopted them as a single parent and then get the kids to pretend she doesn't exist?

GoFishandChips · 27/03/2022 16:41

I have been on the side of this twice, though it wasn't a same sex relationship. My partners were the same religious background as you OP. Both times I felt like I was a dirty secret and both times the relationship ended because they wouldn't tell their families about me and I wasn't prepared to sacrifice my future being somebody's secret or an outcast to my potential in-laws. I think you have to choose. Your partner doesn't want to be forced from her home to prioritize your relationship with your family. I'm really sorry for you, it must be absolutely horrendous to be in this position but you're expecting far to much from your partner if your expecting her to always have to give way to save your family's feelings.

Fluffymule · 27/03/2022 16:43

You say that your mother is 'so proud' of what you've achieved overseas. But that's not true is it.

Your mother is proud of the fiction you have created for her.

Your partner has spent that past 10 years accommodating your homophobic and racist family. Perhaps now is the time for you to start accommodating her feelings and comfort?

At your own expense rent an AirB&B for each of the month long visits your mother makes to enjoy the French lifestyle. You move out to be in it with her. It's the very minimum you should do.

If you need to explain to your mother, and you aren't willing to be honest, tell her you now have a lodger/roomate who won't accept visitors. You are an experienced liar, so it should be easy to pull off.

Sillyotter · 27/03/2022 16:45

I’m with her. It’s bonkers that you expect her to be out of her own home for almost half the year to accommodate your family who are in a different country.

Is your life going to be in danger in France if they find out?

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 16:46

I think you are both right

She shouldnt lose her home during the visits but you should say she is a flat mate or housemate or friend who is staying with you

I understand the pressure you must be under, its not to be taken lightly and male or female I understand why you cant tell them

I think people saying that she should leave you really dont understand the issues. Of course it is her choice, she might feel she cant live a secret life and that is understandable too.

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