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Original poster

Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

502 replies

Sasani · 27/03/2022 15:48

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

OP posts:
babywalker56 · 27/03/2022 17:03

Didn't you understand the but where the op said that her family would kill her? She actually means she will be killed by them.

@Sugarplumfairy65 the OP isn’t in Pakistan and has said that she isn’t in danger. She probably said that she’d be killed if she was back home to highlight just how much of a ‘sin’ she’s committing by 1) being a lesbian and 2) being with a black woman

NowEvenBetter · 27/03/2022 17:04

You’re incredibly cruel and entitled, kicking your girlfriend out of her own home to accommodate your racist, homophobic relatives. Like…how dare you? Keep your vile relatives out of her house.

Hopefully she’ll realise she wants more from life than being someone’s shameful little secret.

babywalker56 · 27/03/2022 17:05

@GregBrawlsInDogJail

I wish my love could just make a bit of effort to help me with this issue. We managed for nearly 10 years, she never explained why it's suddenly an issue.

This is incredibly unreasonable. A "bit of effort"? She's swallowed you keeping her as your dirty secret for ten years. She's dealt with having to move out of her own home for months at a time for ten years. She's given you acres of rope and swallowed her own feelings about it. FOR TEN FUCKING YEARS.

I don't envy your position. But she's made a metric ton of effort. Much more than you have had to. Good for her for no longer being a doormat.

This!!!
Notanotherwindow · 27/03/2022 17:08

She doesn't have to make more effort. You do.

You are gaslighting her and I really think she should just dump you and move on with someone who will treat her better.

PinaColada123456 · 27/03/2022 17:09

@IncompleteSenten

Unfair v dead

Yeah.

If I loved someone and I knew they were at genuine risk of being murdered if their family found out about us then yes. I'd be their 'flatmate'. Happily.

I don't believe you would be out of a relationship with your own partner for 5 months every year. That's absurd, no one would ever say such a thing. Ever.

If I knew I were at genuine risk of being murdered, I would stay single for my entire life, than risk putting another person through that. Then again I am not selfish, so wouldn't do this to some I claimed to love.

Thisismynamenow · 27/03/2022 17:10

@Sasani

My life is not in danger, no. I am not in the UK but France btw. I don't want my family to disown me. My mom generally comes 4 to 5 times a year. She loves the city and to be away from her duties. She wants me to get married bladibla,she is so proud of me that I managed to buy a house in France. It would break her heart if she knew the truth...

My partner's family is super nice, supported me. So it's not like she spends a month with horrible people. I badly want to get married with her. I love her. The fact that I am a lesbian in a relationship with a woman who's of African origins is the ultimate taboo.

We are both 28 , have good jobs, everything seems so forget. I wish my love could just make a bit of effort to help me with this issue. We managed for nearly 10 years, she never explained why it's suddenly an issue.

You ask her to leave her house for a month 4-5 times per year? I get you'll be disowned and that's sad, unfair and kind of disgusting your family has that prejudice towards you and an entire community of people. However you're being so unreasonable to your partner. You want them to visit, you move out for that period. I get that its a culture thing ill never understand, And you may be happy hiding your true self, but it's unfair to expect your partner to do the same.
Thewindwhispers · 27/03/2022 17:10

You tell your partner she has to move out of her home 4/5 times a year?!!

YABVU. If you really can’t be honest your family, then you need to stop having them visit you. Asking others to support your lies is borderline abusive.

If I was your partner I would leave you.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 27/03/2022 17:10

Please ignore the posters who aren't exactly being helpful. The thing is that you are in an invidious position in that you may will lose both your birth family and your spouse. If you are open about it then you will lose your family but I could not condone having a family member be a secret to other family members.
Is it possible that you haven't explained all the possible danger to your spouse? I think she needs to know that is nothing to do with being ashamed of her, more that you are worried for both your safety and the possibiliy that you will never see your biofamily again.

midlifecrash · 27/03/2022 17:10

You are really minimising what your partner has done for you. Suppose her family were ultra religious. Suppose you had to leave your home for weeks at a time. How does that feel? Also I suspect you are not facing up to the racism and part of the reason it is easier for you not to have her there is that you are afraid they would be openly racist towards her. Again, think how you would feel if that were you.

Hausa · 27/03/2022 17:13

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare

Please ignore the posters who aren't exactly being helpful. The thing is that you are in an invidious position in that you may will lose both your birth family and your spouse. If you are open about it then you will lose your family but I could not condone having a family member be a secret to other family members. Is it possible that you haven't explained all the possible danger to your spouse? I think she needs to know that is nothing to do with being ashamed of her, more that you are worried for both your safety and the possibiliy that you will never see your biofamily again.
OP said in her second comment that she’s not in any danger, so this isn’t a safety issue. But, yes, it’s a choice between her family and her partner.
Blossom64265 · 27/03/2022 17:13

Your partner has been more than understanding. She has given you plenty of time to grow and mature. She has given you plenty of time to make sure that you are certain this is the relationship you want for the rest of your life. In exchange, you ask her to leave her own home. You have to make a decision. You are either fully committed to your partner, even if that means leaving your family behind, or you let your partner go so she can find someone willing and able to move forward with her.

BurntEnds · 27/03/2022 17:13

She gets chucked out her home for a month 4 or 5 times a year?! That's awful. You should move out each time instead.

NowEvenBetter · 27/03/2022 17:13

Don’t ignore the posters that person considers to be ‘not helpful’, ffs. OP is not at risk of being executed by her relatives, she’s in France. And actively brings these dreadful people in to her girlfriends home, gaslights and treats her girlfriend terribly.

Ballcactus · 27/03/2022 17:14

Honour killings are a very real thing that shouldn’t be underestimated

BurntEnds · 27/03/2022 17:14

It's time you visited them. Your partner has done enough.

Flapjak · 27/03/2022 17:14

I guess your partner does not feel she can continue the deception for the rest of your relationship. Have you thought about the future for you both if you might want to have kids. However well its working now, it wont work if you have children. I dont have any advice for you as i realise it must be so difficult to know that you could be disowned or that your family may just feel a lot of shame/disgust/anger. Are there any LGB organisations that you could seek some support from ?

PinaColada123456 · 27/03/2022 17:15

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare

Please ignore the posters who aren't exactly being helpful. The thing is that you are in an invidious position in that you may will lose both your birth family and your spouse. If you are open about it then you will lose your family but I could not condone having a family member be a secret to other family members. Is it possible that you haven't explained all the possible danger to your spouse? I think she needs to know that is nothing to do with being ashamed of her, more that you are worried for both your safety and the possibiliy that you will never see your biofamily again.
@JohnMcCainsDeathStare You're not being particularly helpful yourself. Suggesting the OP lie forever is not helpful at all. Regardless of the reason, her partner should not be put in this position. That's what you're simply not getting. You are ignoring the fact that REGARDLESS of the reason, it is not fair on the partner. The OP needs to do the decent, unselfish and mature thing, and let the partner go. Because the OP can never give her partner the true love and true life she deserves. The OP cannot be in a relationship. She needs to choose her mother, or her partner. And she has said she will force her partner to live a lie and be a shameful dirty secret for EVER. So, she needs to let her partner go and find real true happiness.
AntoinetteCosway · 27/03/2022 17:15

I'm a lesbian in a relationship with someone from a country where it's illegal. I get it, and I think some of the more outraged commenters here have no idea what it's like to be in this situation. I'm sorry OP, it sucks, and the only thing I can suggest it keep talking about it - with her, with a therapist, with anyone who's safe. Things can change, and hope is not lost.

HermioneWeasley · 27/03/2022 17:17

You don’t seem to get what a huge ask it is to require your DP to move out of her home 4 or 5 times a year for weeks on end. That’s not OK and it’s not sustainable.

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 17:17

I would imagine the minute the OP says to her family - you need to stay in a hotel- when you visit me, it will raise such a suspicion in the family that the danger starts from that

I think the posts accusing OP of emotional abuse and gaslighting are horrendous, the whole situation for the pair of them is incredibly difficult. We all have horrible family members to try to deal with, with our partners. Sometimes that means telling lies to them to shut them up about things, nothing like this of course, not denying the existence of a partner level but nevertheless

shssandhr · 27/03/2022 17:20

She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then

And in a later post you say your Mum comes 5 times a year - so you are expecting your partner to move out of HER HOME for 4-5 months of the year. Have I understood this correctly?
This simply cannot be true. You cannot possibly think this is ok, even if it was one month once a year it would be too much.
It's outrageous.

I understand your fears of coming out to your family and the issue of your partner being black too and this not being acceptable to the family. But she is not even asking you to do this, she is saying that she won't move out of HER HOME and that you need to make alternative arrangements and I agree with her 100%.

You do not have to tell your family that you are with a woman if that would put your life in danger but you do need to think about how this relationship is going to be sustainable long-term.
I think you should fly to Pakistan to visit family and your Mum should not come to France. Or you rent an Airbnb when she is there or something.
What cannot happen is your partner being forced to move out of her home several times a year because you can't/won't come up with an alternative plan.

MistyFrequencies · 27/03/2022 17:20

You're wrong. She's given you a very reasonable compromise that you visit your family and she doesn't get kicked out of her own home 5x a year.
Stop being a cunt to her. Either woman up and tell your family or take her compromise. Anything else is unfair.

Siepie · 27/03/2022 17:21

You can't expect your partner to leave her home for 4-5 months a year. You really have to make the choice between your partner (and probably cutting off your parents) or your parents (and letting your partner leave).

I know family relationships are complicated. It's not easy to cut people off.

I'm a lesbian myself. My parents are British but deeply conservative Christians. They wouldn't kill me, but they've told me they're pleased that I'll burn in hell once I am dead. I kept in contact for years because they're family, we'd had good times together when I was a kid, you only get one set of parents, etc. I finally cut off contact when my son was born, and they told me they'd been praying he would be stillborn so he wouldn't have two mothers. At that point, I knew I had to prioritise my wife and son, who loved me, over my parents, who wanted eternal damnation for me.

You're going to have to make that choice as well.

PinaColada123456 · 27/03/2022 17:21

@bellac11

I would imagine the minute the OP says to her family - you need to stay in a hotel- when you visit me, it will raise such a suspicion in the family that the danger starts from that

I think the posts accusing OP of emotional abuse and gaslighting are horrendous, the whole situation for the pair of them is incredibly difficult. We all have horrible family members to try to deal with, with our partners. Sometimes that means telling lies to them to shut them up about things, nothing like this of course, not denying the existence of a partner level but nevertheless

Forcing your partner to live basically single and apart and away from their home for almost half a year every single year IS emotional abuse, it IS gaslighting. It's the OP's family who are causing the problem, so why does the OP leave the house? It's her family that's causing the problems, so her responsibility to leave the house, not her partner. The onus is on the OP. But not only does the OP not realise how selfish she is when the onus is on her to leave the house, she actually thinks her partner is being unreasonable to say NO MORE!* after ten years of this. That's where the emotional abuse and gaslighting comes in.
Lurking9to5 · 27/03/2022 17:21

I think you should book a hotel for you and your mother to stay at, then tell your mother.

I know you say you be disowned but it seems like your partner might quite justifiably have a limit ot the number of times she's prepared to vacate her own home to collude with the appearance that you want to present.

That probably sounds like choosing, but if you choose TRUTH and then wait and see if your mother chooses to keep you in your life, you will at least know you didn't betray your partner of 9 years. She's put up with a lot of this.