Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

[Sasani]

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

@GregBrawlsInDogJail

I think she's right, you're wrong, and if you won't do this for her she should dump you.

This

I do feel for you OP.

I have a friend who is Hindu, she fell in love with a man who was of different ethnicity, hid it from her parents for 5 years, but she loved him so much and wanted to marry him, she told her parents, they disowned her. She chose love over family, married him and after 3 years her parents slowly came round and have now started talking to them.

It’s a horrible situation BUT be honest and real with yourself, regardless of your families religion, do you really want to associate yourself with people that would “kill” you or disown you because of your sexuality and the race of a woman you choose to be with. If you truly love this woman as you say you do then I think you should put her first. Unless you intend on moving back with your family to Pakistan in the future? If not, you can’t hide your sexuality forever, otherwise you will live a very lonely life OP

I hope you find the strength to tell them the truth.

Basically your partner is unhappy. You can’t change the thing that is making her unhappy.

Do the decent thing and leave her so she’s free to make a life she can be truly happy in, for the love of god don’t marry the poor woman.

Sorry OP you are in this situation. I dont think you can expect your partner to move out of her house for a months at a time, or any lenght of time and pretend you live alone.
Not sure what the solution is, but I am sure you got some tips on how you could handle it.

How do you see this playing out? Carrying on as you are isn't sustainable. So you are going to have to choose. Pretending to be straight, marrying a Pakistani man and lying to him and everyone in your life forever. Or coming out, marrying your girlfriend, maybe having children, but losing touch with you family.

Even if I leave her. I will never stop being a lesbian. I will have to get married and have sex with a man, the idea of it( no offense) makes me sick.

Of course you'll never stop being a lesbian. But no, you don't have to marry a man. You could do as your partner suggested and move away and cut your parents off. You're choosing not to.

Like I said before, going NC with parents is an extremely painful decision. It's still a decision you could make.

How can your mum be kind if she is racist in the extreme and homophobic?

@Sasani

Some of the comments truly are hurtful. But I understand I have asked opinions on a public forum. I will try to answer the questions.

1. Even if I leave her. I will never stop being a lesbian. I will have to get married and have sex with a man, the idea of it( no offense) makes me sick.
2. There aren't a lot of Pakistanis in France where we are , so no risks , unless my brothers/cousins/male relatives find out.
3. My partner proposed that we sell the house , go somewhere else, don't tell my family where I am and live our life.
4. If we meet somewhere else , my mum and I , she will get suspicious and ask me why. She constantly tells me that I better not be with a white or black man.
5. She speaks very little English, no french at all. So no she cannot talk to any neighbors
6. When my mother is here, my girlfriend and I still see each other after work, we go for a drink. Sometimes spend the night together. So we still see each other
7. I absolutely hate my family's racism. I do not share the same values.
8. My mother would tell EVERYONE. If I ever confessed. She is a very kind but deep into the culture. She is submissive to my dad and my brothers and their wives live with them
9. I LOVE MY PARTNER. I LOVE HER. I do not treat her like a doormat. She is the woman I always dreamt of. I want to be with her forever. However she does not understand pakistani culture. I explained it to her ( hence why she proposed that we go somewhere else)

You are not listening, OP. You are simply not listening. You are still ignoring the fact that you are making your partner leave her home for ALMOST HALF A YEAR, every single year, for 10 years. That is not fair on her. It is NOT FAIR on her at all. One weekend a year, maybe. One month, maximum, but five months? Almost half a year? Your mother does not need to visit that frequently. Do you realise you spend almost as much time living with your mother as you do with your partner??

You DO treat her like a doormat! You have forced her out of her own home for almost half a year, for ten years! She is the one making all the sacrifices, you are making NONE. And it's your family at fault! So why should she have to pay.

Regardless of what Pakistani culture is, it IS NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY! It is your culture, your family, and your family's fault. So you need to be the one to leave the house, not her, the onus is yours. Not hers.

If you won't ever tell your mother, then you have no choice but to let your partner go and find a real relationship, because you are stealing the best years of her life, forcing her to live a lie, because of your family. It seems like you need to remain single for life, if you can't be honest and open. What you are doing is cruel, narcissistic, selfish and abusive. Please, stop justifying it, because it all comes down to you wanting her to make all the compromises when the onus is on you and you are simply making excuses for your terrible and abusive treatment of her. Please, just let....her....go. You will never be able to give her the life and happiness she deserves. And you know it. So do the decent thing and let her go.

What about getting married OP?
Will you post no pictures? Prohibit your partner and her family from posting any pics/announcements in case your family finds out? Will you still expect your wife to fuck off 4/5 times a year? Spend time hiding any hints that you might be married?

What about kids? Does she want kids? How will you navigate that?

This is why it's an issue after 10 years. She gave you 10 years of her life and this is not going anywhere. It can't. She's still just your "flat mate".

You are conditioned to put up with a lot of abusive behaviour towards who you are by your family. You are trying to condition your partner to put up with and accept that abusive behaviour too. If it were your partner asking these questions my suggestion would be to her to consider getting put of this very damaging situation.

^
This. I would not want to marry someone who thinks I am a dirty secret.

At some point soon, your mum will pressure you to get married. What will you do then?

The way I see it you have two choices.

You either do the compromising and move out of your home when your parents come to visit, or you abandon your sexuality and let go of the idea of having a relationship. Because in absolute honesty it is completely unrealistic to expect anyone to stay your dirty little secret for the duration of any relationship you have.

So your family would disown you, that’s very sad for you. But But it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make the compromises for that.

Is this some kind of reverse? You want to marry but she can't even live with you full time? Surely no one in the right mind could think this is a good idea?!
If you went to Pakistan and told your family you were in this relationship you would be killed? It's time to cut your family loose, if they cannot accept you for who you are then you don't need them

Your partner absolutely deserves better and I do feel sorry for her as she’s selling herself short.
I think she should leave you and find someone who is willing and can include her in all aspects of her family.

Advise her to post on here so she can be encouraged to see sense.

4) If we meet somewhere else , my mum and I , she will get suspicious and ask me why

So lie to her. You are already doing so anyway, this will just be a different lie.

And this time your lies would not disrespect and hurt your partner who is forced out of her home 4 or 5 months of the year to accommodate a racist homophobe.

You don't seem willing to make any compromises whatsoever for your partners happiness or dignity. Therefore it might be better to end it for both of your sakes.

You've been given solutions that would not out you, would not put you in any danger, would keep your mother happy in the deception she believes. But you haven't engaged with those solutions. Your partner is not the problem here.

You can't go on expecting your partner to put her life on hold. If your family will threaten you then perhaps you need to leave your family behind? If they can't support your life, if you have to lie to them then you need a future without them. It's a tough decision but one a lot of people have to make. You need to be free to live your own life.

Can you tell your Mum ONLY so that when she comes your partner can stay as your partner?

You can make your Mum promise not to tell everyone else if that's what you want.

This could be a good compromise

Your family who would literally kill you, are still invited into your house.

Please get therapy OP. You need to understand why you don’t value yourself

I think ultimately you have to make a choice here. My DHs mother told him that if he married me he would" be dead to " them. He married me and was disinherited by his parents who did not speak to him for over 10 years. He had no regrets as his mother was toxic and controlling. If you truly love your partner I suggest you tell the truth. If you can guarantee your life would not be at risk

I think your partner is right - you should both leave and disappear off your family's radar. You say you love your mum but she is racist, homophobic and would tell your male family members so they could come and KILL YOU.

You're so young and your options are to either live a lie, looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life, or leave.

I know what I'd do.

This is such an impossible situation. I really feel for your partner and it’s not something I’d of been able to handle for as long as she has. Equally I totally understand why you’re scared too. I really don’t know what would be for the best in all honesty. Just wanted to show some empathy really for you both

@Siepie

You can't expect your partner to leave her home for 4-5 months a year. You really have to make the choice between your partner (and probably cutting off your parents) or your parents (and letting your partner leave).

I know family relationships are complicated. It's not easy to cut people off.

I'm a lesbian myself. My parents are British but deeply conservative Christians. They wouldn't kill me, but they've told me they're pleased that I'll burn in hell once I am dead. I kept in contact for years because they're family, we'd had good times together when I was a kid, you only get one set of parents, etc. I finally cut off contact when my son was born, and they told me they'd been praying he would be stillborn so he wouldn't have two mothers. At that point, I knew I had to prioritise my wife and son, who loved me, over my parents, who wanted eternal damnation for me.

You're going to have to make that choice as well.

How awful for you and your wife and child. Hugs 💐

I haven’t RTFT Op and you have my sympathies. I come from a very strict south Asian family and understand the pressures you allude to. It is horrible and incomprehensible to many to live under this sort of pressure but I am going to have to be really blunt with you.

Make your mind up and make a choice. It’s that simple. In your partners shoes, I too would be issuing you with an ultimatum. Because bluntly you cannot have your cake and eat it.

You want to live the life you’re living, good for you. You say you love your partner. Then in the next breath you say you don’t want to lose your family.
So basically what you’re offering your partner is a life of what? Secrecy? Living away in shame? With you when your family aren’t with you and the rest of the time? What? Hiding away, creeping around trying to steal nights here and there?

That’s not good enough. And if you were able to pull yourself out of your situation I think (or hope) you would be able to see just how deeply unfair you are being.

You have to make a choice. Either fold and live your life in a lie and adhere to your families wishes of what a respectable life looks like. At your age the pressure is only likely to build for marriage and babies. Or you choose your partner, move away if needs be and build a life with her. If you lose your family as a result, then there is nothing you or your partner can do. A third choice is that you find someone happy to be a secret and continue to juggle your two half lives.

I don’t give the above advice lightly. I have trodden a similar unconventional path and am no contact with everyone in my wider family bar my immediate siblings. But I made a choice. I would never have expected someone I love to be a secret hidden away. That would have been cruel, disrespectful and deeply unkind. I would have let someone go before I expected them time and again to move out of our joint home.

It’s not fair. I get it. But make a choice.

@Siepie

You can't expect your partner to leave her home for 4-5 months a year. You really have to make the choice between your partner (and probably cutting off your parents) or your parents (and letting your partner leave).

I know family relationships are complicated. It's not easy to cut people off.

I'm a lesbian myself. My parents are British but deeply conservative Christians. They wouldn't kill me, but they've told me they're pleased that I'll burn in hell once I am dead. I kept in contact for years because they're family, we'd had good times together when I was a kid, you only get one set of parents, etc. I finally cut off contact when my son was born, and they told me they'd been praying he would be stillborn so he wouldn't have two mothers. At that point, I knew I had to prioritise my wife and son, who loved me, over my parents, who wanted eternal damnation for me.

You're going to have to make that choice as well.

Gosh that’s awful. Weird isn’t it how the most religious are the most hateful and intolerant.