Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

[Sasani]

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

YABVVU.

My partner's family is super nice, supported me. So it's not like she spends a month with horrible people.

Well that's alright then, isn't it? You don't see anything wrong with expecting her to move out of her own home so your mum can have a break from her duties.
If staying elsewhere is such a minor issue, why don't you go see your family in Pakistan instead of continuing this charade? Your gf's feelings are secondary to your mum having a bit of a break.

And you still think you can marry her? You're living in a fantasty land. I'm not suprised she's had enough after 10 years.

I'm sorry you are in this position with your family but YABVU. Your DP should not be inconvenienced for a month at a time. It's her home.

You move out for a month. Put the shoe on the other foot.

@HellToTheNope

But I have no choice

Of course you do, and you are currently making the wrong one.

The level of disrespect you are showing your partner is staggering, and I'm amazed she's put up with it for this long. Asking her to leave her home so your homophobic mother can visit is absolutely outrageous. Who do you think you are?

You need to stand up to your family like an adult and live truthfully. If your family cuts you out, so be it. They sound horrible anyway. Your partner would be mad to marry you under these circumstances.

I have experience of knowing people whose families killed siblings due to the same thing, both in France where their family members travelled to, to execute them

Its no small thing

She has to leave for an entire month several times a year?! That is crazy, no wonder she's said she won't do it any more!

You can't ask her to leave her own house so you can pretend to your family. That's so rude and selfish.

If it was an occasional weekend it'd still be wrong but might be understandable - but month-long visits are taking the piss!

You are asking her to spend between 1/3 and nearly 1/2 of each year living elsewhere.

That's not ok.

Neither is it ok that you risk being seriously maimed, or murdered, if you come out to your family and return home.

There is support out there for LGBTQIA+ folks from different cultural backgrounds who are at risk. I'm so sorry I don't know where to signpost you myself, right this moment.

You really do risk losing the love of your life over this. Some members of your family may come round to some degree, over time. Get some support for this issue, and stop asking your partner to hide elsewhere.

You should never have invited your family to HER home if you knew they wouldn’t accept her.

It’s unreasonable you ever expected that of her, and it’s no surprise she’s fed up.

This is a deal breaker and it’s your turn to accommodate her, if your family can’t accept her then shes not being unreasonable refusing to leave her home for them. You’re being unreasonable to demand that of her.

She’s right. She shouldn’t have to move out of her own home to facilitate bigots. You will have to visit them.

Sorry, I know it must be an awful position to be in for you. But don’t foist the poison on your partner.

You need to find a way that she doesn't need to leave her home.

People saying that you should stand up to them really don't understand what it's like. There is absolutely nothing to say the op would be safe in France from being murdered if the community in Pakistan found out.

It's a very real threat, it could even put her family over there at risk if it became widely known.

I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

You want to get married but you also want your partner/wife to continue leaving the family home that you own together for A MONTH at a time?!! I appreciate your difficulty with your family situation but your partner's idea of you going to visit your family rather than them coming to you, and you continuing to deny the true nature of your relationship is a more than reasonable compromise.

@bellac11

I think you are both right

She shouldnt lose her home during the visits but you should say she is a flat mate or housemate or friend who is staying with you

I understand the pressure you must be under, its not to be taken lightly and male or female I understand why you cant tell them

I think people saying that she should leave you really dont understand the issues. Of course it is her choice, she might feel she cant live a secret life and that is understandable too.

@bellac11 I think we all understand the issues. The point is, how long is this pretence and charade going to go on for? 5 months per year is way to much. It's been going on for ten years now. How much longer?

OP should not force her partner to act as a flatmate and pretend they aren't together for 5 months every year. That's ridiculous. The OP needs to have the maturity to make a choice: her mother, or her partner. One or the other. Because making her partner to not be in a relationship with OP for 5 months every year is absolutely untenable, and surely you know that.

Does she not understand that you are in genuine physical danger? Does she not believe you what they may do to you?

OP I've got personal experience of similar cultural background to yours. I know you can't change the racism or extreme homophobia of that culture. That doesn't mean I condone it, it's just that you're not going to get around it at all.

But

You cannot buy a home (home, not house) with the love of your life and expect her to disappear for a third of every year so you can pretend she doesn't exist. That's out of order.

So you're going to have to meet your mother somewhere else. Go on holiday with her. Meet her in different EU countries. Meet her in different part of France. You HAVE you find a compromise because your partner compromises her existence and family culture for you.

You need to learn to say no to your mother. She has to come over less. And I know that too can be extremely problematic. At the end of the day, however, you knew your family, you cultural heritage including homophobia and racism when you started this relationship and you chose to enter and continue it. I know people (plural) who in very similar situations simply didn't enter a relationship because they knew it would cause insurmountable problems. You need to take responsibility here.

And this isn't suddenly a problem for your partner, she's been upset, hurt and insulted for a long time, she's just compromised and been very kind to you. Time for you to repay that now. Or be single.

If your partner moves out 4-5 times a year for a month at a time then there is a major power asymmetry in your relationship.

I'm very surprised that none of your neighbours or other friends meet or speak with your mother given that she spends such a substantial amount of the year with you.

I think it's pretty clear that YABVU. You either tell the truth, or you are the one who leaves to make visits to family. You cannot expect your gf to leave her own home for a month every time you have a visitor.

Your gf is in the right here. She's put up with this for years and she's had enough now, and who could blame her? It sounds like you are being very stubborn and unfair. If you don't want your family to know the truth, you will have to start visiting them.

@HellToTheNope

But I have no choice

Of course you do, and you are currently making the wrong one.

The level of disrespect you are showing your partner is staggering, and I'm amazed she's put up with it for this long. Asking her to leave her home so your homophobic mother can visit is absolutely outrageous. Who do you think you are?

You need to stand up to your family like an adult and live truthfully. If your family cuts you out, so be it. They sound horrible anyway. Your partner would be mad to marry you under these circumstances.

Absolutely this!

The comments saying ‘I can understand why you can’t tell your family’ no, just no.

I’m black and when I was younger (around 16/17) I was with an Iraqi/Kurdish guy for 3 years. He loved me and I loved him. But realistically he should have never been with me as his family wouldn’t accept me and he’d never tell them about me. Yes he didn’t agree with their racist views but because he’d always put them first, I was left to suffer. Luckily as I got older I realised it was better to leave the relationship then to get into a situation where I’d want to have kids and get married and he wouldn’t be able to give that to me.

The fact that your partner has been in this situation with you for nearly 10 years is crazy. No, you may not have the racist views that your family have but how disgusting must she feel having to move out of her own home when your family comes over to visit. You shouldn’t even be in a relationship with her when you can’t give her what she wants. 1) you’re a lesbian and 2) your partner is black. Both deemed as unacceptable by your family. If you’re not willing to tell the truth and get cut off by your family then you should have never got with her. The selfishness is ridiculous. I hope your partner leaves you and finds someone who can love her openly. Btw she isn’t being unfair at all by deciding not to leave. It’s her house too no?

The bottom line is that your partner is sick to death of facilitating you living a lie and she wants no part of it. She wants a partner who is 100% on her side and who is willing to stand up for themselves.

*I have experience of knowing people whose families killed siblings due to the same thing, both in France where their family members travelled to, to execute them

Its no small thing*

Then the OP either goes NC with her family completely, moves and never tells them where she is.

OR, she lets her partner go free and find a stable partner that will give her the relationship she deserves and OP stays single for the rest of her life.

Bottom line is her partner should not have to suffer like this. It is not way to live. And OP's partner does not want to live like this any more, so OP needs to let her go.

The partner as I understood it is happy for the family not to be told the truth, but doesnt want to get shifted out of her home on each visit, that is the compromise. OP needs to have to lie unfortunately

The examples I gave were in fact for male partners that the family didnt approve of/werent allowed

The men in the family, brothers, uncles, cousins see it as their duty to 'remove the problem' and put right the shame to the family. Just because OP doesnt live in Pakistan she is no less at risk

@IncompleteSenten

Does she not understand that you are in genuine physical danger? Does she not believe you what they may do to you?

@IncompleteSenten Does the OP not understand that what she is doing to her partner is cruel and selfish? Does the OP not understand that what she is doing is terribly unfair to her partner and the best thing OP could do in this case is let her partner go and OP stay single?

My partner's family is super nice, supported me. So it's not like she spends a month with horrible people

You're spectacularly missing the point. It doesn't matter how great her family are why on earth should she move out her own house for almost half the year. Regardless of how well she gets on with her family what makes you think they want her living back at home for extended periods.

You're being incredibly selfish

I agree with everyone else here.

I get why you can’t tell your family, but you cannot expect her to move out for your mum to visit.

It is her home as much as it’s yours, she can say no, and should. You are putting your mums feelings above hers, and if you love her and want to marry her you shouldn’t be doing that.

Your mum stays elsewhere or you go and visit them. You cannot expect her to move out for her to visit.

Your parents are the problem in this situation, not your partner, and it’s them you need to deal with/arrange alternative things for. Not your partner. You are making out she is the problem, by not moving out, and she isn’t. She shouldn’t have to.

Pretend she’s a lodger? Would she go along with that.
Other than that YABU
It’s no way to live.

The level of disrespect you are showing your partner is staggering, and I'm amazed she's put up with it for this long. Asking her to leave her home so your homophobic mother can visit is absolutely outrageous. Who do you think you are?

You need to stand up to your family like an adult and live truthfully. If your family cuts you out, so be it. They sound horrible anyway. Your partner would be mad to marry you under these circumstances.

I agree with this.

Were your partner on here I wouldn't be telling her to run, not walk, away from this relationship.

You're bordering on emotional abuse here OP. You need to make a choice what is more important to you because you can't expect to string her along forever and expecting her to move out of her own home so your relatives can visit is disgraceful.

She can't keep living as your dirty little secret and I'm amazed she has put up with it for so long. I'd have walked long ago.

Unfair v dead

Yeah.

If I loved someone and I knew they were at genuine risk of being murdered if their family found out about us then yes. I'd be their 'flatmate'. Happily.

@bellac11

The partner as I understood it is happy for the family not to be told the truth, but doesnt want to get shifted out of her home on each visit, that is the compromise. OP needs to have to lie unfortunately

The examples I gave were in fact for male partners that the family didnt approve of/werent allowed

The men in the family, brothers, uncles, cousins see it as their duty to 'remove the problem' and put right the shame to the family. Just because OP doesnt live in Pakistan she is no less at risk

My partner says she waited more than enough.

She's clearly not ok for the family not to be told the truth...

She wants to 'move on with their relationship' and obviously they cannot live life like this forever. It's simply not tenable or possible. What the OP is doing is really cruel, heartless and selfish. She needs to let her partner go. There is no excuse whatsoever for what she is doing to her partner. None whatsoever. This is abusive.