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Original poster

Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

502 replies

Sasani · 27/03/2022 15:48

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 27/03/2022 17:23

OP is behaving awfully though. Her disgusting relatives don’t excuse her choice to chuck her girlfriend out of her own home for long periods, multiple times a year and make demands of her. If OP insists on having these dreadful people in her life she can do it in her own time, and pay for a hotel for herself.

babywalker56 · 27/03/2022 17:23

@Ballcactus

Honour killings are a very real thing that shouldn’t be underestimated
@Ballcactus no one is underestimating honour killings. The OP has already said she isn’t in danger…
nordica · 27/03/2022 17:24

This is not sustainable long term in an adult relationship/marriage. It may have been ok for your partner to move out when you were both younger but how long would you expect situation to continue like this?

I'm not underestimating the risk and how difficult the situation is though. Unfortunately I think it comes down to a choice between your family and your partner as it is becoming clear it isn't sustainable to carry on like this forever. What if your mother continues visiting for the next 10 years?

Crimeismymiddlename · 27/03/2022 17:25

You are being totally unfair to your partner, and totally disregarding her feelings.
It’s ‘only’ a month here and their, then you go on to say they visit five times a year. You expect your girlfriend to move out of her home, that she pays for into her family’s home, in turn disrupting their home life and think it’s ok because they are nice for five months a year.
I bet if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn’t.
Go and visit your parents, hire an Airbnb just anything so your poor girlfriend does not have to leave her home.
If you are like this about other aspects of your home life, you keeping her secret won’t be the reason she leaves you.

PinaColada123456 · 27/03/2022 17:25

@NowEvenBetter

OP is behaving awfully though. Her disgusting relatives don’t excuse her choice to chuck her girlfriend out of her own home for long periods, multiple times a year and make demands of her. If OP insists on having these dreadful people in her life she can do it in her own time, and pay for a hotel for herself.
Exactly. It's the OP's family who are the problem, so it's the OP's responsibility to move out of the home during those times.
bellac11 · 27/03/2022 17:25

And people are quite rightlly putting the OP right that the partner shouldnt be leaving the home during the visits. This is an incredibly difficult situation to navigate and OP is trying to work through that

However OP leaving the house would start to raise questions and raise risk, there are some dangerously ignorant responses on here about how much people are or are not at risk because she is living in France. OP may even herself be minimising that because some women in that culture do not want to face up to the danger

The best the OP can hope for if her family find out is that they think she is mentally ill, thats another popular believe about lesbianism in cultures like that

EmeraldShamrock1 · 27/03/2022 17:26

I think your partner needs to be more understanding, you don't need their approval nor would you ever get it.

It'll only bring you pain and suffering, you'll be outcast.

Why would your partner want you to experience that?

I wouldn't tell them either.

I'm so sorry.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 27/03/2022 17:26

5 times a year fir a month
It’s 5 months in the year, nearly half of the year when your DP can’t actually line in her own house with her partner.
The fact that he family is lovely has nothing to do with it. It’s the fact you ate kicking her out of her house fur hand the year….

I can understand why your DP is saying go and see them. But tbh if they were getting any hint of you being gay, I’d be fearing for your life too.

I’m struggling to see any way out apart from telling your family, which I know roule also mean loosing them.
It’s a hard place to be in@Sasani

TheNameOfTheRoses · 27/03/2022 17:29

Another issue about @Sasani going back home 5 times a year is that she probably can’t take 5 months off!!
So that’s a non starter really.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 27/03/2022 17:29

The visitors have to stop, keeping the relationship secret is one thing if you rarely see them.

Bellyups · 27/03/2022 17:29

Yabu. She should not have to leave her home when they visit. Go to them.

LittleSnakes · 27/03/2022 17:30

I guess it comes down to which is more important to you. Your family or your partner.

PinaColada123456 · 27/03/2022 17:30

@EmeraldShamrock1

I think your partner needs to be more understanding, you don't need their approval nor would you ever get it.

It'll only bring you pain and suffering, you'll be outcast.

Why would your partner want you to experience that?

I wouldn't tell them either.

I'm so sorry.

@EmeraldShamrock1 Are you serious? Her partner has left the house for five months per year, for ten years. Her partner has been the only one to make the compromise and sacrifice for ten years. How much more understanding does the partner need to be? At this point, the partner is a doormat.

It's time for the OP to be more understanding of her partner, and for the OP to leave the house. OP's partner has been MORE than understanding, the OP is being selfish, cruel and emotionally abusive.

Beansontoastagain · 27/03/2022 17:31

Maybe she thinks it's an issue now because 10 years is a long time to be kept hidden as a dirty secret. You need to tell your family about her or arrange to meet up with them elsewhere. You dp must be very understanding to have put up with this shit for so long. You are not being fair to her at all.

pointythings · 27/03/2022 17:32

You're in a truly horrible position, but you have to make a choice. It is utterly unfair to ask your fiancee to be your dirty little secret and it has to stop - one way or another.

Harrysmummy246 · 27/03/2022 17:32

@Sasani

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

'It's just a month now and then' Seriously???? You cannot want to be married to this person if you cannot tell your family the truth.

I think she's put up with way more than I would for a partner

Original poster
Sasani · 27/03/2022 17:33

Some of the comments truly are hurtful. But I understand I have asked opinions on a public forum. I will try to answer the questions.

  1. Even if I leave her. I will never stop being a lesbian. I will have to get married and have sex with a man, the idea of it( no offense) makes me sick.
  2. There aren't a lot of Pakistanis in France where we are , so no risks , unless my brothers/cousins/male relatives find out.
  3. My partner proposed that we sell the house , go somewhere else, don't tell my family where I am and live our life.
  4. If we meet somewhere else , my mum and I , she will get suspicious and ask me why. She constantly tells me that I better not be with a white or black man.
  5. She speaks very little English, no french at all. So no she cannot talk to any neighbors
  6. When my mother is here, my girlfriend and I still see each other after work, we go for a drink. Sometimes spend the night together. So we still see each other
  7. I absolutely hate my family's racism. I do not share the same values.
  8. My mother would tell EVERYONE. If I ever confessed. She is a very kind but deep into the culture. She is submissive to my dad and my brothers and their wives live with them
  9. I LOVE MY PARTNER. I LOVE HER. I do not treat her like a doormat. She is the woman I always dreamt of. I want to be with her forever. However she does not understand pakistani culture. I explained it to her ( hence why she proposed that we go somewhere else)
OP posts:
bellac11 · 27/03/2022 17:33

Have you tested your mum out OP as to women being gay, is it something you have talked about in a conversational way at all?

Do you think there is ever a chance that she might be told but agree to keep the secret from the rest of the family, although that puts a burden onto her and puts her at risk too.

GizmosEveningBath · 27/03/2022 17:33

It's been 10 years, she's probably looking towards the future and how it's all going to work out if you insist on chucking her out the house a few times a year.

You are being very unfair on her by saying she isn't making the effort, she has spent a decade of her life accommodating you and your family. If you can't tell your family, don't be surprised if she calls it a day and finds someone she can have a future with.

TrashyPanda · 27/03/2022 17:34

Your poor partner.

You expect far too much from her. You are literally throwing her out of her own home for a month at a time - that’s outrageous. It’s a horrible way to treat anybody, far less the person you are supposed to love.

You need to start to respect her and her feelings.

You don’t seem to

Idontevenknow · 27/03/2022 17:34

If you're life is not in danger, then I 100% agree with your partner.

Loginmystery · 27/03/2022 17:35

@Silverclocks

A month "4 to 5 times a year"?

OK, this can't be true.

Yep. It’s one of the biscuit ones
bellac11 · 27/03/2022 17:36

@Sasani

Some of the comments truly are hurtful. But I understand I have asked opinions on a public forum. I will try to answer the questions.
  1. Even if I leave her. I will never stop being a lesbian. I will have to get married and have sex with a man, the idea of it( no offense) makes me sick.
  2. There aren't a lot of Pakistanis in France where we are , so no risks , unless my brothers/cousins/male relatives find out.
  3. My partner proposed that we sell the house , go somewhere else, don't tell my family where I am and live our life.
  4. If we meet somewhere else , my mum and I , she will get suspicious and ask me why. She constantly tells me that I better not be with a white or black man.
  5. She speaks very little English, no french at all. So no she cannot talk to any neighbors
  6. When my mother is here, my girlfriend and I still see each other after work, we go for a drink. Sometimes spend the night together. So we still see each other
  7. I absolutely hate my family's racism. I do not share the same values.
  8. My mother would tell EVERYONE. If I ever confessed. She is a very kind but deep into the culture. She is submissive to my dad and my brothers and their wives live with them
  9. I LOVE MY PARTNER. I LOVE HER. I do not treat her like a doormat. She is the woman I always dreamt of. I want to be with her forever. However she does not understand pakistani culture. I explained it to her ( hence why she proposed that we go somewhere else)
I see youve answered a question I asked after this post!

Your cousins would find out, thats the problem, if your mother ever found out by the sounds of it

Perhaps the only answer then is to never have contact with them again and move and be anonymous, are there support organisations that you could link in with, lots of people will have been in the same position as you

myfanwybygaslight · 27/03/2022 17:36

You deserve to be dumped. I'm surprised she's put up with your crap for this long.

TrashyPanda · 27/03/2022 17:36

So if you love your partner so much, why don’t you move and not tell your family?